Considering weekly boarding for DD - advice please

[RockinSockBunnies]

I'm aware that boarding is a hugely controversial subject on MN but I'm somewhat stuck between a rock and a hard place and would appreciate opinions on what may be best. Apologies if this is somewhat lengthy.

DD is currently in a Yr 3 state school in London. All fine. As of September next year, when she'll be starting in Yr 5, I'll be starting full-time as a trainee lawyer at a City firm, working insane hours and having no life!

I also happen to be a single mother. When I worked in the past, before studying again, I had an au pair. Problem is, we live in a two-bedroomed rented house. I shared with DD for the year (she was 6/7 then) and slept on a pull out futon, whilst au pair had my room. The arragement worked fine, but it's not an experience I wish to repeat again, especially as DD is getting older.

I've been quite keen to send DD down the private school route for many reasons (including better opportunities in arts, music, sport etc that she just doesn't have at her current school). My mother is willing to chip in towards the fees. I'd also like her to have the chance to spend time outside London, in the countryside, with space to play, horses to ride, rural idyll sort of thing .

So, I've found a lovely school in Hertfordshire and have been debating whether it will be best for us to move there, rent a three-bedroomed place, get another au pair or, for me to remain in London in our house, DD to weekly board and come home at weekends.

Whatever option we take, there's little chance that she'll see much, if any, of me, from Monday to Friday, since I'll be working long long hours. So, would it be best for her at home with an au pair, or best at school, boarding with friends?

DD is confident, very social, very adaptable. She's stayed with friends of mine, with family and with her friends on many occasions and never batted an eyelid. She says she'd prefer to weekly board and be with frieds at school, then catch up with her London friends at weekends. I'm undecided. I boarded at 11, was homesick for two terms, then settled in fine.

Are there any people out there who have had children weekly board successfully from aged nine onwards? Or anyone with any words of wisdom?

Well, technically it would be Yr 5, but I know what you mean and it's what I'm worried about.

I boarded for a year at age 11, then my family moved house, closer to the school, so I became a day-girl. I loathed the transition and still feel that had I stayed as a boarder, I'd have been much happier in the long-run.

However, I did used to take refuge as a teenager in my bedroom in my own house. I could decorate the walls, turn the music up, smoke out the window and ignore everyone else.

I'd worry that DD would lack her own space in some way if she boarded. But, if she came home to a house with just the au pair in and rarely saw me (except weekends), what would be best in the long-run?

Also, DD is an only child, so it might be nice for her to have friends around her rather than being at home....

It's definitely difficult.

I am confused about why you are even asking here. It looks like you have already decided that weekly boarding is the best option for your situation. Go for it then, if your dd or you are unhappy with it you could move to Herts. I hope it works out well whatever you decide.

I'm not sure that au-pairs are a particularly reliable form of sole childcare but that might just be my unlucky experiences.

But you've not factored in the school holidays in this plan. All 18 weeks of them. So what gives? You live with an aupair in your home anyway to cover the school holidays?

Where does your family live? Would it be possible for her to board weekly at a school near her grandmother?

I definitely don't think you should commute - the hours are killing and you will be tired enough without the commute.

Can't you get a cosy number with the CPS and live with your DD in Hertfordshire?

Hey,

I have posted about this before as I am in the same situation. Main things to consider:

1. Holidays - 3 1/2 weeks for xmas and easter, 8 weeks for summer. You will need an au pair/nanny for that time, which is extra £ on top of the school fees.

2. Remember that you will be shattered at the weekends, so need to make sure you will be able to slip from having a child-free week where you can do what you want when you want, to having a child that will not want to leave your side for a second all weekend as she hasn't seen you all week. You also need to be ready for the possibility that she may want to stay on at school at the weekends, as that is when the trips happen, so may not want to come home and see you! My mum was always horror struck when I wouldn't come home! It is very easy to think about then continuously, but forget how to be their mum (If that makes sense!). If dd stays with her dad for two days, it takes a good 24 hours for us to settle into being together again, and then she will be off back to school.

9 is still very young emotionally-you need to make sure she can get hold of you when she needs you during the week, and you will still have times when she is rushed into A & E with concussion playing hockey/is really ill, and although they have a medical centre for that kind of thing, she will want to be with her mum.

The trouble is weekly boarding will not solve your child care problems at weekends ( when you will be asked to work at some point no doubt) nor will it resolve your problems during the 20+ weeks holidays. What will you do then?

Just wanted to add re your hours. DH trained with a large City firm and I'm afraid to say his hours were ridiculous. He was often still in the office at 9pm, sometimes until midnight. His firm had a locker/shower area and they were encouraged to leave a clean shirt/tie in case of all nighters. No way on Earth is it conducive to family life. It is also considered very bad form for trainees to even hint at the hours being too long.

I'm not trying to put you off, just confirming what you're expecting and clarifying my experience (or rather DH's)for others on the thread.

Thank you for all your messages.

Weekends - could be a problem. But would also be a problem even with an au pair, as generally they have the weekends off anyway. I suppose that if I have a great deal of work on, then I might have an idea that I'll have to be in the office at the weekend, therefore hopefully my mother will be able to fill the breach and look after DD.

Holidays, not too worried about, since DD spends a lot of time with my mother who loves having her. Also, we have a lot of extended family, so with some juggling, we ought to be able to manage. The firm that I'm joining also allows you to 'trade' holiday days, thus increasing your basic allowance. If I do this and take holiday to coincide with DD's, then hopefully it'll be manageable.

CPS not an option as I'm not going to be doing criminal law, but City stuff (corporate, banking etc).

Myredcardigan - some firms have special 'sleeping pods' too, so that you can work all night, crash in the pod for a few hours then repeat the whole proces again !

My DD1 is a weekly boarder, she started in September (beginning of Year 5 so she was 9 nearly 10) and she loves it. Obviously I miss her like mad - but she is having a ball!

Her school day is longer at her new school, they finish at 1630 and then have prep club and tea, or after school clubs (she does 2 a week). After dinner at 1800 they have 1.5 hours of free time or activities, they can choose to either read, go on the computers, play outside with friends (the school has beautiful grounds being rural) or there are organised activities such as painting, pottery, treasure hunts, pond dipping, swimming, football etc. Twice a term they have an outing and they also have pyjama parties and a weekly DVD and popcorn/tuck night.

The longer holidays make up for the time she is away in the week (even though I have to work the odd week of her holidays as I work term time only to the state school terms) and she is positively thriving at her school, socially and academically.

I have no experience of using an au pair, but wanted to share a positive story of boarding with you!

Sidge - thank you. My DD would theoretically start at the same age as your DD1, so it's good to hear positive stories.

Did you have any problems in the early days with homesickness or such like?

She had her odd moments I'm sure - it would be a strange 9 year old that didn't get homesick at all. The school we chose has a very caring and supportive pastoral team, and seemed to ease her transition into boarding. The school allow unlimited (free) phone calls home after 1800 and they set her up with an email account so she can email us in her evening computer time.

She does have odd moments when she says she'd rather be at home, so I have to try and remind her of the positives. She's never been so upset she doesn't want to go back to school - if she was continually homesick I would have pulled her out and she knows that. She knows she is there through choice - even though we want her to be there and have told her why we want her to be there, she knows at the end of the day it's up to her.

Funnily enough since she has been weekly boarding we seem to make the most of our time with her - it's quality time now and we make a determined effort to use it wisely so we actually see more of her!

Feel free to CAT me if you want to chat more.

My DDs board. My eldest started weekly boarding at 8 and opted herself to full board at age 9. Saying that even full boarding means we can see her 2 weekends in every 3 (if she chooses to come home).

We had our reasons for going down this route. It was never planned this way and if someone had told me 4 or 5 years ago my girls would be boarding I would never have believed them.

Both our girls were given the option. They were fully involved in visiting the schools we looked at and had a trial 2 days and overnighter at the school before coming to the decision.

Neither have been horribly homesick.The only time my daughter asked to come home was when she was in the sick bay with a 48hour vomiting bug, but she later admitted that it was more down to boredom in the sickbay! She did infact come home the next day as previously planned for the weekend.

Without any doubt I can tell you my girls adore their school and it is not just a school to them, as I am sitting here typing they are packing to go back, I have not asked them to, they dont go back until Sunday but they are excited and looking forward to going back. They have been chatting about it all weekend and today have started getting themseleves ready to go back. They are looking at the calendar and choosing which weekends they want to come home, stay in school or go and stay with friends from school etc.

I miss them like mad. Next Monday I will be terribly down in my silent house, but i KNOW we have made the best choice for them because they needed the stability our mobile lifestyle is unable to give them at the current time. I also know they are happy.

Both my girls have had it drummed into them that they can leave boarding at ANY time they choose. We have sat down and openly discussed all the pros and cons of boarding and our lifestyle. I know they understand what their options are. If they became unhappy, they would be back home and in a local days school like a shot and they know that.

As a parent only you can make this choice and there will be zillions of people out there telling you teh damage you are doing to your child by sending them "away" etc. I believe its how the whole thing is approached by you, ensuring the kids know their choices and options. It is also paramount you choose the right school. We chose a school quite a bit further away than where we were living when we first went down this route (we would always be moving every 2 years anyway - but wanted to be on the doorstep at first)because it was the right one!

I also would like to add that me nor the girls have any problems adjusting to the weekends. Infact our weekends are really lovely now! A real joy to look foarward to!

Good luck in your choice/ decision. It a very very hard one. We had many many sleepless nights agonising over this decision. At the end of the day, it does not have to permanent one if it does not work out.

I would also like to add we also chose a school that is mainly a boarding school with a few day pupils! It does make a BIG difference imo to how the school is run and the choice of activities available on the evening! I can think of nothing worse than a child feeling like one of a handful that stayover at the end of the day.

I would also suggest you look at several schools, as they do differ vastly.

Goodluck!

rsb I think weekly boarding would be a good idea. Make a list of the pro's and cons, and be brutally honest. If you are starting a new job with long hours, from a selfish point of view it probably be best to have your dd where she is happy, safe and having a wonderful time that you can concentrate on you as i'm guessing the last few years have been tough with being a single mum and doing your training. You sound like you have done a great job.

Oh yes, the pastoral care is the main thing-not the academic results/activities. Remember (most of this post will sound horrid but isn't meant to) that this is going to basically be her home-the place where she spends the majority of her time, and these people will be bringing up your child for you 5/7ths of the time. She has to be 100% happy, as do you. I went to a mainly day with a bit of boarding, and it was dreadful. However, friends that went to exclusively boarding schools on the whole loved it.

Also take in hand she may feel a bit shoved out, especially if it has been just the two of you. She may feel that you have chosen your job over her-just be ready for it if she does.

my dd1 boards 2-3 nights a week ( yr4 ) started in yr 2 . she will be starting weekly boarding in yr 5 ( sept) this is because with my work and long school hrs it is actually easier for both of us, agree with slummymummy that my dd has had been told over and over again that she doesn't have to board and that mummy would make it owrk if she wanted to be a day girl, this gives her confidence that i count her view as important and makes her feel that her happiness would be more important than my job, and so she has nearly always loved it ! dd2 aged 4 cannot wait to start boarding ( and how i wish they would take her ....but that is a different story )

And just remember-it is a good childcare choice or they wouldn't have been around and stood the test of time! So don't beat yourself up about "sending her away". if you were leaving her alone in the house while you were at work that would be bad, not placing her in a loving, caring environment.

should add that also agree about finding a school which is predominantly boarders , it makes a huge difference, in the holidays we usually employ a student or gap year from school to come and "nanny " for us .

My ds2 started weekly boarding at the beginning of year 6 ,he is at a specialist dyslexia prepe school but will probably board at his next school as well.Our biggest difficulty is that neither of his siblings board,not sure we could afford it, and also the fact he does know that it would be difficult to find the same things locally.

Like someone else said we have the occaisional hiccough but generally he is very happy,the pastoral care is fantastic and he has made very good friends and has the chance to participate in lots of activities that would be difficult at home,it has also been fantastic for his confidence.

I think it helps that I boarded and I would definately second the advice about going for a "boarding school" rather than a day school with boarders ,nothing worse than being the only one going back to a boardining house also the schools set up for boarding tend to have better activities and evening staffing etc

I think it's right to be prepared for long hours but I would be surprised if they will be as bad as you say. I trained at one of the big firms and I never left the office later than 8.40pm (I spent 6 months in Frankfurt when I did work longer hours) and at least half the time I left at 5.30, sometimes more like 6.30. I wonder if you could ask for more family-friendly departments like employment or tax for the first year and then consider boarding when she's a year older? Maybe see how things go - in a recession the workload may be quite low - it's difficult to predict how things will be by September 2010. Has your firm asked anyone to defer their training contracts?

Also remember that most firms are very well set up for home working now, so you might be able to do some work from home. The days of trainees doing photocopying and not proper work should be over - so you should be able to do work from home as easily as in the office.

What will you do in the holiday? Private school holidays are much longer than state hols.

Not something I have done but I think weekly boarding sounds like a good idea for your daughter.

If you move then you are just going to be making your day even longer and are unlikely to see your daughter during the week anyway.

Dunno about that Helly - when I trained I did a six month seat on an arbitration where none of us ever got home before ten. The firm pre-ordered taxis for the whole period.
DH has just flown to Saudi for two weeks and his trainee had to go with him.
That said, the banking depts should be nice and quiet now .

And property! Maybe that's the thing to do - get 12 months in property and then move to corporate and other areas in year two ;-)

Would agree with Litchick: hours can be truly horrible, even during so-called slumps. I trained during one such slump that was supposed to be very quiet and at one stage did eight 100-hour weeks (15 hours*7) in a row . There were weeks where I did not see my husband awake from one Sunday to the next: I arrived home after midnight, when he was asleep, and left around 6, before he woke up. Even in quieter periods, working at least one day over the weekend was common.

If you do go for weekly boarding (which sounds by far the best option both for your DD and for you) also have some contingency plans for when you find out at 5pm on Friday that you will not be leaving the office before Tuesday morning (this happened to a good friend of mine). And do not underestimate how shattered you will be if you are at home.

Having said that, it will also be very interesting and stimulating; think about doing a seat in an advisory (as opposed to transactional) department, such as Tax or Competition: the work will be interesting and the hours relatively more civilised.

If I could have weekly boarded I would have loved school! I boarded FT and with Ps abroad had to go to my lovely GPs at half terms.

My only advice is to check on the "rural idyll" My school was on the coast and we saw the beach once a week v briefly on cross country runs But yes it was in a small village so there were no big city lights to distract us.