so- have written to head tonight- ds1 broke down at bedtime [sad]

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

policywonk · 26/10/2008 20:38

Oh, how sad. You must feel awful.

Do you have confidence in the school to deal with something like this? An awful lot is down to the school culture, I think.

luckylady74 · 26/10/2008 20:40

So sorry to hear this. Do you think your ds needs some extra support at school - for his academic needs and to help him socialise?
My ds1 has aspergers syndrome and the school are supposed to be starting a peer social skills group with him to help.Sorry if this is out of place - not everyone needs or wants to be social at school and for all I know he's in their gifted and talented programme already.
Horrible to find out he's being picked on - it's my worst fear.

BoysAreLikeZombies · 26/10/2008 20:40

[holds hand]

You are absolutely doing the right thing by preparing to talk to school.

Would you be prepared to take it to teacher in the first instance? The teacher will escalate to the Head if not resolved.

Good idea to write, as I can attest, it's v easy to turn into blubbering incoherent wreck.

Poor Ds, I hope you can get this sorted quickly.

MorocconOil · 26/10/2008 20:41

So sorry to hear what is happening to your DS.

I would go in and see his class teacher first. Tell her what's going on and ask her what she is going to do about it. If the school has a behaviour policy she will have some clear procedures about what action to take.

It is so horrible when your DC tells you something like this.

Yurtgirl · 26/10/2008 20:42

He sounds a lot like my ds who is also eccentric, clever, easy to wind up and volatile - all classic identifiers of Aspergers syndrome - just a thought but have you ever wondered that your ds might have AS?

Flum · 26/10/2008 20:44

Oh poor thing, you feel all their pain don't you. It WILL strengthen him though in the long run.

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oops · 26/10/2008 20:49

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MorocconOil · 26/10/2008 20:50

Interested to hear that you think it strengthens them Flum. My DS1 seems to experience this kind of episode every couple of years. It breaks my heart each time it happens, but I do think it's preparing him for real life. I think we get wind of it when it happens and are able to support him through it.
DS2 seems to glide along without facing problems like this. I sometimes wonder why he doesn't get affected by it, and think he was born more resilient.

Aero · 26/10/2008 20:52

Oh, I agree. This definitely needs sorting. Similar with dd last year (she was 7) and she was at the point of refusing to go and ran off at the school gate. HT was able to get to the bottom of it and it was dealt with very quickly. Turned out she was feeling bullied with another girl in her class. Other girl didn't realise the effect she was having on dd and they get along fine now after HT talking to each of them.

Poor wee chap. We had so many tears at bedtime too and dd struggles so much with friendships at the best of times.

There is always a reason if a child doesn't want to go to school if they've previously been happy enough there, and gladly he's been able to tell you what the problem is.
Do you think it would be a good thing to speak to the HT personally before writing? Our HT dealt with dd's problem as soon as she knew there was trouble and bullying (or perceived bullying as in dd's case) is generally sorted out pretty quickly.

VeniVidiVickiQV · 26/10/2008 20:55

oh ooops
It's good to alert the head. Do you think this has been the issue the whole time with him not wanting to go in? This has been going on for a while hasnt it?

acoady · 26/10/2008 20:56

I have no other advice, but that you need to speak to his teacher and then make sure the lines of communication are kept open. I hope you sort it out.

sameagain · 26/10/2008 20:57

The one piece of advice I always remember my Dad giving me was "ignore them and they'll get bored and stop" He refused to get involved with problems at school unless there was blood spilt!!!

I remember thinking that's not good I want you to sort it out, but as he wasn't going to, I followed his advice and was amazed that it worked instantly. The first time next day, I pretended I didn't hear and walked away and they never ever bothered me again. I have been using the same tactic ever since, even at work and it never fails.

policywonk · 26/10/2008 20:58

Good luck with the teacher - are you back at school tomorrow or do you have to wait until after half-term?

Just as a comparison for you, DS1 is 5 and is in Year 1. He seems reasonably happy on a social level, but he definitely doesn't have any firm friends at school - just very fluid relationships with people in his year group. He quite often tells me that so-and-so didn't want to play with him.

Of course there is definitely an issue here with your DS, but I just wanted to reassure you that boys of this age don't necessarily form friendships in the way that a lot of girls do.

gscrym · 26/10/2008 20:58

I know how you feel. Make sure you make an appointment to speak to someone in the management team at his school. DS was getting left out and had a boy doing similar things to him all through P1, he's now in P2. We spoke to his teachers and sent in letters. It escalated to DS getting punched. He had stopped telling people about what this boy was doing because it didn't stop. He had also tried to get on the boys good side.

We made an appointment with the head who dealt with it wonderfully. She was unaware of the issues, even though we had sent letters to his teacher. The boy was moved away from DS, she checks on DS once a week and she's told him that if anyone upsets him, he's to come straight to her and tell her. Since then, he's been much happier at school and the boy has kept away from him. The support staff are also keeping a closer eye on the boy to make sure he isn't bullying anyone else.

I hope you have a positive outcome from this and good on your little one for telling you how things are.

Yurtgirl · 26/10/2008 20:59

Ooops I am sorry to be so negative but sensory issues too - You could be talking about my ds

You really could! If your ds does in fact have AS dont fret! I found receiving his diagnoses letter very encouraging as it proved that his problems werent just me being an overprotective fusspot

Also you can apply for DLA - the thought of which certainly cheers my day when ds is having yet another meltdown

HTH

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oops · 26/10/2008 21:06

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CatMandu · 26/10/2008 21:10

I have a ds is year 1 who is confident and told me just today that he and his mate are the coolest in the class - I have a feeling they are 'top dogs'. I also have a dd, who isn't one of the popular ones so I have every sympathy. If a mother of one of the boys in ds's class talked to me about her son being a little left out I would go out of my way to encourage ds to be friends with the boy. I would invite him to tea/play so I'm wondering if you could try talking to some of the other childrens mothers? I would do this even if I didn't particularly know the mother or child partly because I know how upsetting it is when your child feels that they don't fit in and partly because I want ds to be kind to everyone. Could you talk to the parents?

Aero · 26/10/2008 21:14

Oh, we're awaiting dx for dd too - ASD/ADD, hence social struggles. We had no opportunity to speak to the teacher as HT is on the gate daily so was there when she took off (I was mortified !). She'd been reluctant to go for days before it all came out re her friend 'bullying' her, yet she said no-one was upsetting her when I asked at home why she was so sad. It all came tumbling out when HT gently probed her. She was blaming herself for having no friends. Truly heartbreaking.

It's easy to think there's nothing wrong when they seem to be coping and happy, and you can begin to doubt your instincts as you 'normalise' your child's behaviour iyswim. To us dd is just herself and the way she acts is normal for her if I'm making sense. But, then something happens (regularly), that brings us back to earth about why she acts how she does. Seeking diagnosis has been a positive experience for us (backed up by school), as it is so much easier now to see where she's coming from and our understanding of her is so much clearer.

Do you think you will go back down the medical route at all?

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oops · 26/10/2008 21:16

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CatMandu · 26/10/2008 21:22

Ah yes, the girls are often a good bet and at this age there's no teasing about it. Could you try inviting boys over again and perhaps be more involved yourself, set up an activity or something.

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oops · 26/10/2008 21:23

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oops · 26/10/2008 21:25

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Bride1 · 26/10/2008 21:33

My nephew has Asperger's. He has been happier since starting secondary school but life has been tough for him at primary school. Fortunately he is extremely good with computers and will probably end up being very happily employed and successful.

And I FANTASISE about him driving past the children who've been cruel to him in his big, smart car and waving gently to them, on the way to his swish office, from where he develops the most amazing computer programs.

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oops · 26/10/2008 21:39

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Bride1 · 26/10/2008 21:42

Yup--lawyering would be good for some Aspies!

I have come across some high-performing Aspies who are actuaries and they do very well.

Programming good, too!