I think this is a shy mum but blimey, what more can I do?

[DrNortherner]

Her ds started in ds's class about 8 months ago. Her ds and mine became good pals.

We have done playdates at each others houses, phoned each other to arrange etc etc.

She is very nice. When I realised she was new I went out of my way to chat to her cause she always stands on her own. If I approach her she chats away. So every morning if I am in playground after she has arrived and I spot her alone I go and make conversation.

If I arrive first, she turns up and stands on the edge of the playground alone and will never come and say hello.

I know some folk are shy, but jeez sometimes I get so fed up with being the cheery HELLO mum, cause if I stopped, no one would say it to me.

She sounds like me when we first moved here. I'd been ill for a very long time, had absolutely no confidence from being constantly faulted and undermined by MIL (who was round all the time) with the result that at dd's previous school I seemed to attract some rather less pleasant of the mums - and they always blamed me or dd for anything that happened (normal childhood falling outs, dd being 'difficult' by which I mean behaving like a normal 4/5 year old) etc. I was terrified of imposing my unworthy presence on anyone.

We've been here a few years; I have learnt from the nice people I know now that dd is completely normal and that misbehaving is normal rather than something I should take her and myself to the shrink for, and that kids have arguments lots of the time and it's not that I am bringing her up so badly that she should be removed from me.

It has taken a few years, but I can now chat on the phone to people I know well; chat face to face to people I know less well; and have just about reached the point where I can approach people I know - especially difficult at school - and say hi.

I realise I am quite an extreme case, but she may have had horrible problems which she is currently battling. I would recommend just keep being the one to make the move. Eventually she will either hint at something, or start taking the initiative herself.

I've had that for years, Northnr from mum of DD's best mate... Her DD Been to play at ours loads, but no playdates back, no RSVP to party invite, no invite to her DD's party(?ies), blanks me if I try to chat... ur DS's mate's mum sounds much friendlier.

I know you feel you have to but you don't need to go up to her every time. Maybe somwetimes she doesn't want to interact.
I always feel i 'need' to go up to people if u=i see them looking alone, but someitmes i have to tell myslef to hang back.

I'm exactly like that woman DrNortherner. The idea of just walking up to a group of mums or one mum paralyses me. Scared of imposing.

I've no helpful suggestions though.

I agree with piratecat, she may like her own space. For instance, I work several days a week, rush from work to school pick-up + sometimes stand on my own enjoying a few minutes peace + quiet, before my dc's come out + chaos starts!

DrNortherner, your post reminded me of a situation at my workplace some years ago now. Basically a new lady, (fairly sociable) had joined our department + the majority of us used to go to the staff canteen every lunchtime. I invited this lady along every day, not wanting her to feel left out but she always declined. Eventually she told me that she actually likes her own space at lunchtimes so she could switch off from the office. She'd rather go for a walk or meet a friend for coffee in town + if she wanted to join us she was capable of asking!

I felt a bit embarrassed after that, didn't want her to feel I was harrassing her, but I'm glad she was straight with me!!

I'm like that.

I am always scared that people are just talking to me because they feel they should so I don't want to go and impose on them

i do that. some days i have nothing to say that i haven;t already said to them and other days i just like standing alone and not having to pretend that ds2 isn't being hyper or that DS3 is sleeping thru the night

but mostly i think "oh bloody hell, i have got yesterdays clothes on, mushed up weetabix in my hair, which, actually, i haven;t yet brushed" I am wondering if i cleaned my teeth and trying to hide my unfashionableness from the uber stylish beautifully skinned young mums

Drnortherner
I would love for someone like you to come up and talk to me.
My ds has started at a new school and I don,t know a soul, would love it if somebody would feel sorry for me and come and chat to me, and I know that I would then make the effort to chat to them after.
We need more people like you at the school gates to bring us shy ones out of our shells.

lostittoday My suggestion to you would be to either to look out for someone who is also on their own, perhaps meeting a child from the same class as your ds and start smiling and saying "Hi" or else to ask your ds who he has played with that day, what the child's name is and say "Hi" to the parent of that child. Does that make sense? I hope it soon starts to feel more natural and that you make some friends.

DrNortherner I used to be like you during my school gate days. Maybe you can include an extra person or two in your conversation with this particular mum so it broadens out a bit?

Sometimes I am like this. I have days where I just feel very self-conscious and don't like approaching people. It also takes me a long time to feel very familiar with people. I'm not great at superficial chat. I seem very confident to a lot of people, so they probably think I'm being very rude