Reception - struggling and crashing out.

[Orchid887]

Sorry for the long post..!

Looking for some honest advice from parents who have been through the wringer with Reception transition, particularly with neurodivergent / highly sensitive girls.

My 5yo DD started Reception three weeks ago. Prior to this, she was at a nursery and while she had high sensory needs and emotional dysregulation at home (that she calls her big feelings), she generally appeared settled, bright, and happy there.

Since starting primary, everything has completely disintegrated. I'll try and just give the highlights:

Restraint collapse - She "masks" heavily at school and is described by teachers as quiet, shy, and compliant. (My child has NEVER EVER been described as quiet...!) But the second she gets home, her nervous system completely explodes. We are talking 2 to 4 hour meltdowns involving self harm (head banging, hair pulling, biting herself) and physical aggression toward me. She tells me she's terrified of having "big feelings" at school. This can happen multiple times a day. When not in a meltdown, she's withdrawn and quiet and honestly just world's away from my little girl.

Situation mutism - She becomes completely non verbal when overwhelmed at school. She is too frightened to ask for basic needs. Recently she left her bottle somewhere and didn't drink all day because she had no access to water and couldn't ask. She's now on her second infection in three weeks likely due to dehydration.

Skills - Worksheets from early on show detailed, creative drawings, whereas now under stress she just scribbles erratically across the page. Which is further upsetting her as she's always wanted to do well.

Sleep - Her sleep has totally collapsed to just a few broken hours a night. She wakes in a state of total, frantic hyperactivity.

We are currently awaiting Autism/ADHD assessments, but as you all know, the waitlists are long.

School tried to implement some accommodations (like access to a sensory corner), but with supply teachers and busy TAs, it fell apart on day one and she seems to have lost trust. The teacher emailed me yesterday saying DD had said she was "struggling" and attached a scribbled worksheet, the classroom environment itself is driving her into total sensory overload and panic.

I am at breaking point and strongly considering deregistering for home education to let her nervous system recover from burnout, while we wait for clinical assessments and look down the line at what we can do.

My questions for the Mumsnet hivemind:

Did anyone else have a child collapse this fast in Reception? Did it ever "settle," or was taking them out the best thing you ever did?

If you deregistered early on, did it impact your NHS assessment pathway or EHCP application? Particularly looking at EOTAS. (I'm terrified Local Authority / NHS will say "she's fine at school, it's just a parenting issue")

How on earth do you handle the guilt when your child says on one hand they "wants to try to be good at school" but their body is physically breaking down from the stress? How do I know what the right call is?

On one hand I don't want to force her to keep going until she fully breaks. On the other I don't want to jump the gun.

Please be kind. I'm running on empty, coping with my own health issues, and just want my happy, creative little girl back.

Goodness me please take her out of school, sounds awful. There’s no wider issue such as another child being mean or anything triggering her at school do you think? Just take her out and defer her start if you decide against HE.

Also assessments is she not already diagnosed or any any lists? Most places it’s 2/3 years of wait time with NHS

I would see what other accomodations school could make or if there was an alternative school she could attend I think it's early days to be thinking about EOTQS or HE. I'd ask to meet senco and get a proper plan in place as if you apply for an EHCP in the future this will need to have been done first I have twins who have Autism and are now young teens they have thrived at mainstream school with accomadations but getting this right took a while

@YourNoisyKhakiCritic- Nothing with any friends that I know of. Though I know she finds new friendships tricky. Mostly because she immediately declares them best friends ever and not all kids do so well with that..!
Apparently she's speaking to other kids, but only whispering, mostly following them around. Worlds away from my life and soul of nursery girl!

She was referred on right to choose but had to wait until her 5th birthday to put the ADHD referral in. She's 8 weeks out from that one and 9 weeks out from the Autism.

Poor kid could use some sleep but no one will prescribe melatonin until her assessment apparently. She had Phergan which didn't work.

I just worry I'm jumping the gun and, perhaps, some time will settle her. Equally I don't want to break her.

Definitely not true RE melatonin, I have family member had it from 2.5 years old. Severe autism though and diagnosed. You just have to have the diagnosis and remember unfortunately it doesn’t work for every child (can also have opposite effect) so must have other plans in place RE sleep. I really feel for you, she must be exhausted with the masking. Often much worse for girls too. I think to me it sounds the school is being very lax about the situation, I’d start the EHCP process myself without the school if they refused.

But I do think when I read she was self harming behaviour honestly as a parent I’d probably just have to pull her out or find another school

Rather than withdrawing her, could you ask for a part-time timetable to see if that helps? She isn't of compulsory school age so should be fairly straightforward.

Though she has to be in full time ‘from 31st December’ so that may be even more confusing. Really is a difficult one to know what’s best without confusing her / knowing whether she’ll ‘settle’

I think you should lean very heavily on the school to get her on a one plan with regular meeting with the SEN lead. Bother them and bother them to get this in place. She does not need a diagnosis for this.

Ask what emotional intervention groups run in the school for kids who are pinpointing as being in need. Ask if there is any external help accessed through school (Mind do 1:1s in our school for any parent who wants help).

Yes it sounds awful, but even NT kids fall apart at reception. The learning curve can be really steep, but kids do settle every day, even if the process is painful. Since she was doing well at nursery, I would give her the best shot at incorporating into mainstream school.

What is really positive about this situation is how well she can articulate her feelings and worries to you.

My daughter has just gone into Year 1 and we had a very difficult time with her settling into reception, although not as severe as you describe. She had meltdowns/after school restraint collapse every day for at least the first term and would often result in pulling her own hair, kicking/screaming etc as she was clearly overwhelmed with the whole thing. I would request an immediate meeting with the Senco and put across the level of distress she is experiencing to them. There may be some simple accommodations that could improve things - a reduced timetable, ear defenders, a comfort toy to bring in etc. I’m not saying these would solve things but they may ease things a bit so worth discussing before pulling her out of school entirely. I hope things improve for you as I really do empathise with how difficult it can be.

I agree about part time.

I wouldn’t want to keep her in. I wouldn’t want to take her out. It’s the only middle ground.

Look at the local amenities and find clubs for her to do; then go and ask for part time based around those activities.

We did this with my son (not R) but nursery year of the school. I wanted him in early as I knew he would struggle with transition. He was selectively mute. Signed up for full time and first week I was like nope too much! So we had Monday and Friday afternoon off. Monday morning we did forest school, afternoon drama. Friday afternoon gymnastics.

His confidence flourished. He moved into R like a dream and no issues. Really chuffed with that choice.

Appreciate it’s a bit more difficult when ‘in school’. But if the alternative is to withdraw then it’s worth an ask.

I would also look at the timetable and be conscious of when they are learning. So for example we are doing phonics in the morning for 30 mins then maths. Then pretty much nothing until afternoon another activity. You don’t want her to miss the phonics letters as she will get stuck.

So maybe half days will be better. Pick up after lunch. Go to swimming. Maybe full day Friday off is better than Monday. You would have to talk to the teachers.

@clareykb- Unfortunately no alternative school and honestly? They're trying. But the environment itself just isn't working for her.

I've met the senco twice now and they're definitely trying. It's just a concern when it's getting worse each day, and I'm having a harder time getting there each day. I've said to the school that I will not physically fight her into the car. They agree that is unsafe for the both of us.

@YourNoisyKhakiCritic- I know that some areas prescribe on clinical need, but in my area the GP has said peads won't and it'll be the RTC provider that does. But they said they only do it for ADHD. It's been an ongoing and difficult battle as she's had a few night's of being awake 25+ hours. Sadly, I don't believe another school would be the answer. This one was the only one that had a good SEN resource and had space and even this is 40 minutes away! The three local village schools weren't suitable at all.

@Bloau- She'll be CSA as of Jan, we are reduced but building up feels impossible.

@Didimum- I absolutely am and they've been really receptive. They're doing all they can which I do appreciate and thankfully no such mention of needing any sort of diagnosis for her. It's a fairly small school which helps I think. But regardless of all of this, it's getting worse. While I knew it would be hard, I never saw it being this awful. I suppose it's about how painful it should be allowed to get before we say enough is enough.
She loves learning and seeks it out in every opportunity, but she's focusing so hard on staying still and keeping in her "big feelings" and "body wiggles" that she's distracted.

@Namechangedforthisone285- Thank you, and I'm glad to hear things eventually improved. I have met with the senco twice and things are in place but sadly it's just getting worse. And much harder to get her in!

But you say the school ‘tried’ accommodations like ‘a sensory corner’, and then it ‘fell apart’. It doesn’t sound like they are doing all they can. What did they do when it ‘fell apart’? Why isn’t she on a one plan? I would request a meeting asap with the headteacher and Senco together.

She sounds not ready and that’s totally ok. My DC are grown now but I always remember a really kind lady who came to my DC school to do a talk. And she said that ND children are on average around 18 months younger developmentally than their biological age. So really your lovely DS is likely about 3.5. No wonder school is too much.
Trust your mum instincts and take her out if you can. It’s doesn’t have to be forever.

My dc has an EOTAS package. It’s really difficult to get and in my experience even harder to secure if you were EHE. The LA would likely use that against you and want to ‘try’ a school before agreeing to EOTAS. Which isn’t lawful, but is the way they often go. So, I wouldn’t withdraw from school, especially if they are working with you.

are school onside with what you say. Do they see the difficulties your dd is having? I would advise applying for an EHCP as soon as possible. If school say they can’t do it yet, or that your dd doesn’t qualify or they dont have enough evidence or any other excuse, just apply yourself. If they say they will do it, but not until next term, do it yourself as next term, they may put it off again. The process can be really long and the LAs often dont meet the legal timescales. You may also find yourself in tribunal, which will add months and months on to the time, so best get it started ASAP, so you can get proper support in place, in a setting or environment that works for your child.

The first hurdle to get an EHCP is for the LA to agree to a needs assessment. The law states that the LA must carry out a needs assessment if 1. The child has or may have SEN and 2. The child may need special educational provision to be made for them through an EHCP. That’s a really low threshold and from your post, your dd meets them. To apply for a needs assessment, look on your Local Authority page. You can either write a letter to ask for one, or some LAs have a hub or form you can complete to request one, but applying for a EHCP should be a priority for this weekend.

@Didimum - Apologies, should have been clearer. I had a meeting with the head and the senco and her class teacher. They made a list of actions with me. Including the sensory room. We spoke to DD and let her know the new plan. The following days, it was a planned supply teacher. When I convinced her to go in and try these changes, she built up the courage to ask when she was going to use the room, knowing they told her she could. Supply teacher said she couldn't, the TA was busy. Obviously just a miscommunication but a hard hit for DD who's lost all trust in the plan.

@Ritaskitchen- Thank you, it's so hard! Hopefully one way another she'll find her happy.

@Sunshine5791- While EOTAS has been mentioned to me, it wouldn't necessarily be the only way I considered EHE. While school are working with me, it's just getting worse for DD. At some point there needs to be a stop for her. I'll definitely get started on the EHCP. Thank you.

And what have they done since that happened?

@Didimum- To be fair they haven't had much chance. She's been off since with another water infection, likely from not drinking anything.

I’ve just picked up that you said you are having to convince your dd to go in each day. It’s really important that if you aren’t able to convince her to go in, that it is marked as illness and goes down as an authorised absence. Mental health is considered the same as physical health in law and her difficulties which are related to the conditions she is waiting for assessments for are protected. But getting the absences authorised is really important to protect yourself from fines.

just to clarify, with EHE, You are responsible for all aspects of your child’s education. You will be expected to prove to the La that you are meeting all of your child’s educational needs and that dc are making acceptable progress. Some LAs are really strict with this. With EOTAS, the La are responsible for providing a full and balanced full time (to whatever degree the child can manage) education. So, they will be paying for your child’s education provision in what ever way your child can manage (which will be written in the EHCP), through tutors, alternative provisions, therapies etc.

EHE and EOTAS are completely different. Do not agree to EHE unless you are completely sure that is what you want long term as it can be difficult to switch back to the LA at a later date.

I agree that if school isn’t working for your dd, there will need to be a stop to it at some point, but that’s why I mention the importance of authorised absence due to illness/mental health difficulties. Your child is self harming because of mental health difficulties related to school attendance so if she needs to stay at home to recover, a conversation with school around this to make sure they understand is important. Get everything in writing from school. Follow up verbal meetings with an email to confirm what was said.