Well, she didn't exactly say that, but that's what she meant. I asked her to be honest and tell me if I could do anything to help. She said it wasn't my fault - not to do with discipline etc. I asked her if it was to do with ds2 playing lots of soldier games at school but apparently this is not the problem.
She says the problem is ds2 seems boisterous in the playground and other parents worry about controlling him so he gets no invites. I gathered from her that there's been a recent whole class party at school to which ds was the only child not invited. I had no idea .
I drop off ds in the morning, never linger at the school and that is my only regular contact with the parents. I do not get involved with playground politics and do have friend amongst parents in other years. AFAIK the parents in his class seem friendly enough - I see them socially from time to time and chat to them at school fairs etc. I have never fallen out with any of them.
To put this into context, ds's behaviour never seems to be a big issue with teachers there - I have never been called in to see the teachers to talk about his behaviour, ds has never been involved in a fight or AFIAK deliberately hurt another child, he has never had to see the head and rarely misses playtimes for bad behaviour. (In contrast, my oldest son while in year 4, has lots of punishments for behaviour - so I know what I am talking about. Yet ds1 also had friends and had party invites).
Ds2 does complain from time to time about having no best friends in his form, but when I see him with them, he's always in a group and chidren seem to like him.
Last november at a parent/teacher meeting his form teacher told me ds was sad and lonely at school as his best friend had moved to another school. Ds2 had never told me he missed his friend so much. The teacher told me the priority in his individual education action plan was for him to build friendships in his class and asked me to organise playdates to encourage his friendships. Since then I have had four or five children from his class round. Everyone seems to get on well but no parents have reciprocated with playdates and ds1 has been invited to no parties since year 3.
I thought it was just that one of those things, until my friend spoke to me yesterday. My friend is an active member of the PTA and a govenor, so gets to hear some inside information. She also told me that the teachers are aware that ds2 does not seem to fit in with his class. The head said ds2 was a favourite of his, as he was such a polite and honest boy when you got to know him.
My dh and my friend said it was all to do with playground politics - nothing I as a parent can do about it. It is the other parents who have grouped up and I should just ignore it, keep inviting children round but expect nothing in return.
I still feel a bit gutted though