Friend told me ds2 is the most unpopular child in his class

[tigermoth]

Well, she didn't exactly say that, but that's what she meant. I asked her to be honest and tell me if I could do anything to help. She said it wasn't my fault - not to do with discipline etc. I asked her if it was to do with ds2 playing lots of soldier games at school but apparently this is not the problem.

She says the problem is ds2 seems boisterous in the playground and other parents worry about controlling him so he gets no invites. I gathered from her that there's been a recent whole class party at school to which ds was the only child not invited. I had no idea .

I drop off ds in the morning, never linger at the school and that is my only regular contact with the parents. I do not get involved with playground politics and do have friend amongst parents in other years. AFAIK the parents in his class seem friendly enough - I see them socially from time to time and chat to them at school fairs etc. I have never fallen out with any of them.

To put this into context, ds's behaviour never seems to be a big issue with teachers there - I have never been called in to see the teachers to talk about his behaviour, ds has never been involved in a fight or AFIAK deliberately hurt another child, he has never had to see the head and rarely misses playtimes for bad behaviour. (In contrast, my oldest son while in year 4, has lots of punishments for behaviour - so I know what I am talking about. Yet ds1 also had friends and had party invites).

Ds2 does complain from time to time about having no best friends in his form, but when I see him with them, he's always in a group and chidren seem to like him.

Last november at a parent/teacher meeting his form teacher told me ds was sad and lonely at school as his best friend had moved to another school. Ds2 had never told me he missed his friend so much. The teacher told me the priority in his individual education action plan was for him to build friendships in his class and asked me to organise playdates to encourage his friendships. Since then I have had four or five children from his class round. Everyone seems to get on well but no parents have reciprocated with playdates and ds1 has been invited to no parties since year 3.

I thought it was just that one of those things, until my friend spoke to me yesterday. My friend is an active member of the PTA and a govenor, so gets to hear some inside information. She also told me that the teachers are aware that ds2 does not seem to fit in with his class. The head said ds2 was a favourite of his, as he was such a polite and honest boy when you got to know him.

My dh and my friend said it was all to do with playground politics - nothing I as a parent can do about it. It is the other parents who have grouped up and I should just ignore it, keep inviting children round but expect nothing in return.

I still feel a bit gutted though

It's interesting isn't it - you worry that your son is friends with lots of children but has no one special friend - I worry that my ds has only 2 really 'best' friends but may rely too much on them!

I am sure if he says he is happy then he is fine - children are all different and play differently. It may just be that his friends parent's work - I struggle with play dates as there is only one day I can do them, and other mothers have said they cannot reciprocate because they work except at weekends which is always tricky

I would kepp plugging with lots of different children at playdates and soon he will find new best friends. When my 2 moved school the first friends they had are not their best firends now

I am sure your 'friend' means well but I would take what she says with a pinch of salt - and not all parents are scared of 'lively' boys; I have one of my own and am happy to have others for tea - they all disappear off somewhere anyway and are generally really good

just wondered if other children had been invited to playdates?
perhaps no one is having playdates at the moment, is what i am saying, ?

Wouldnt believe everything your friend said as REAl facts Canbelieve that the whole class except your ds would of gone to a party .At our school the invites would not of gone out in the school bags the teacher would^nt allow that nor would a parent do that just leave 1 kid out

If their were issues with your ds behavior you would be told by the teacher not a shit stirrer and as you have`nt thats your answer

I agree with Sobernow and Xenia. Maybe out of school activities with kids at other schools will be the way forward?

if the parents thought there was something wrong with your child they wouldn't let their children come to his house would they?

and why would the kids want to come

.. you have to do a war of attrition .. keep doing playdates at yours .. ask for one in return in a bit if you get the courage

I honestly, truly don't understand why your friend would tell you this .. nor what her being a governor nor chair of the pta has to do with it .. as a governor she should not be aware of specific children's issues unless they are up for suspension .. nor should she be discussing individuals with the head .. as chair of pta she's just part of a fundraising body .. .don't get it tbh

Had dc friends round for a playdate and they havent gone to their houses and vica a versa It doesnt mean anything just means I have`nt got round to sorting it everybody seems so busy

My sister in the same position isn't told by most mothers but some have had a quiet word and her son has hit their children too sometimes and the school has complained about his behaviour often. I think it's partly the way she deals with her children but I can hardly say that to her and none of us is perfect anyway with our own children. I am sure I am not. Your child is in a better position than hers because at least the school aren't complaining about his behaviour and he isn't being bad, he's just not got the friends etc. She told me yesterday they just found out about another all class party he wasn't invited to.

I would never do that - leave out one child. I've had my children say leave out X and everyone else in the class can come and I refused and said that was awful behaviour. X then came and we watched him, I've got his behviouar on video tape and it's clearly different and worse, ADD or something but we can work around that and keep a close eye on him.

thanks for all these messages - I am out there reading them! But no time to post more this morning as I am rushing off to work. I am digesting what you are all saying and will come back to the thread this evening.

Can your son join any after school clubs? He may get the opportunity to play with the same children but with less competition iyswim. Or an club outside of school.

Tigermoth--my son is the one who's not usually invited back, despite our inviting many children over to play, all of whom seem to have a perfectly good time while they're here. When I see the mothers of boys we've asked over I want to yell at them: WHY DON'T YOU ASK XXX OVER!!!!! Or they say they will and we never get the telephone call.

We have finally managed to build up a reciprocal arrangement with one other friend, but that was partly the result of us getting on very well with his parents. Sometimes it can be a complete puzzle: my son isn't rough, loves sport, is thoughtful and kind but highly sensitive. I think it's the last bit that creates the problems.

Interesting about the happy introverts, Xenia!

Oh, poor you and ds, tigermoth. I do think that people wouldn't let their children come over to yours if they were worried about his behaviour. I don't with mine, actually - if there's a child who is a bit difficult then he comes to ours or we meet up out. In extreme cases, we don't meet up at all. It's never been the case that I'll let my son go over to someone's house and then be too worried about the child's behaviour to have him back.

My suggestion is to do what Twiglett suggested and keep having playdates at yours. Maybe try and suck the mother into coming and having a cup of tea or somesuch toward the end rather than just picking up the child. I say this because I find it much easier to arrange playdates with people I know well.

It's hard though - a lot of it could be that they've got such a schedule with other children that it's hard to add one more to the mix. And I do think individual children fall through the playdate and party cracks for no other reason than bad luck with scheduling - it's just something that happens.

I think that if you make a concerted effort with invitations and then start off the new school year with a flurry of activity, you'll be fine. You're lovely and interesting and so are your boys!

Speak to the teacher and ask her to help to raise his kudos in class. And as has been said keep plugging away with the playdates. Often people don't invite back for other reasons - work, house extensions, other siblings.

Just read your OP and no intervening messages.

I feel for you and your ds2.

You mention that you have invited classmates for playdates but had no reciprocal invites. My strategy would be to invite them around for a 2nd play date - that tends to 'shame' some parents into saying "OOh I think it's our turn, why doesn't he come over to us"

Think you just need to keep plugging away at issuing invites and when a child does come for a play date see if you can subtly 'observe' what is going on

Good advice about the second play date invitation! I might try that.

Tigermoth

Sorry to read your OP. I have to say your DS's situation mirrors that of a child in my ds1's class.

Pretty much from Reception, he kind of got labelled as the 'difficult' child by a lot of the parents - and was excluded from loads of parties. He is actually a very nice kid - coping as best he can with a chaotic home life.

Is your ds's school have single-intake classes? Or will he get the chance to move into a different class next year and 'reinvent' himself perhaps?

If not, I think you're going to have to work hard - with the class teacher, if possible - to help the other parents see your ds for the lovely boy he obviously is. It may take a while - you'll have to go gently; no confrontation etc - but I'm sure it's possible.

You sound like a really lovely mum, by the way.

I have this issue with ds to an extent. I know that there are several parties he has not been invited to when all of the other boys in his class have. I have talked to the teacher and she does not really think that there is an issue so there is no help forthcomming there. I know how unhappy it can make you feel!

I have (contrary to all the advice below) actually expressed my concerns to other parents - not by demanding an explanation as to why they have not invited ds to parties etc, but by asking their dcs around and being open that I am worried that ds is finding it hard to make friends and if their dcs do not want to come that is fine. Most of the children I have invited have come and slowly we are now getting return invites - all of the parents are of course keen to deny that there is any issue. I find that once they have invited him once, they are happy to invite him again as he is really well behaved at other peoples' houses.

I agree with all those posters who question the "friend's" motives.
I would talk to the teacher and not the other parents.
My ds is my second and the novelty of playdates has worn a bit thin and I don't tend to bother much. He has plenty to do and isn't bored. He's also very specific about his friends and wouldn't want someone just for the sake of it. He has also changed socially beyond recognition in the time that he has been at school, going from an awakward, difficult unpredictable little boy, to a much more secure, sociable child. I think boys need time to get to grips with the social side of things. Don't assume that this is a pattern set for life. Good luck.

Have not read whole thread but tigermoth, I am right with your head. Your ds2 IS a lovely boy, kind and honest. He really is.
We have a lad who really is a pickle to play sometimes, he could learn a thing or too from your ds2. We are the only family in our class who'll invite him, I gather. I am so sorry that your ds2 has been excluded from a whole class party, that's incredibly petty.
This is one of the few downsides of the small, good school IMO - people can get mighty picky
My ds ALWAYS enjoys spending time with yours, its pants that our schedules don't permit more frequent playdates. I'll mail you. Am LOLing slightly at the thought of your lovely ds1 indulging in playwrestling these days, have to admit .

Even if it is true that he is a bit of a loner at school, so what? Perhaps he will be a brilliant musician, an outstanding athlete, a mathematical hero, a radical rock climber, a tender nurse, an ingenious writer.

What a fucking tyranny being popular is at school! If he's not lonely and not being picked on (although it sounds like some stupid parents are pretty much ganging up and bullying him psychologically, since excluding people is a form of bullying) then he doesn't need to be popular. He can be interesting, unusual and not a fucking brainless but popular sheep.

That's what I'd want for my kid anyway.

Hear, hear, WilfSell

God some parents can be such wankers, it makes me so sad and angry.

Sounds to me as if your ?friend? is using her position as governor/PTA member to make herself look more important/knowledgeable than she really is. We have parent helpers who go into our school who act a bit like this, and the reality is that they are generally just busy bodies who like to be at the centre of the gossip at the school gates.

I am a governor and I am also on the PTA and I can tell you that A, the governors have more important things to talk about than the fact one child will have been excluded from a whole class party (if this is the case then she has heard it somewhere else), and B, the PTA deal with fundraising and have nothing to do with the popularity of individual children.

Ultimately, if your ds is happy, then what others think really isn?t relevant. Some children are happy to be part of a big group rather than having a best friend. Some parents just don?t do playdates, or are so wrapped up in their own lives that they just don?t seem to find the time to reciprocate invites, and children aren?t known for their sense of tact, if they didn?t like your ds then they wouldn?t be keen to come and play at his house.

If you?re concerned then I would have a word with the teacher and with the head. I would even go so far as to say that ?xxx told me that there has been concern about ds and I was wondering why this hasn?t been discussed with me?, because although I?m 100% positive that none of this has come from her position as governor, she shouldn?t be using that position to claim to be party to things she has probably only either made up or has heard as part of the idle chitchat at the school gates, and the head needs to be aware just what kind of governors he has on the board.