Should I try and move DS from private to local school

[FreesiaFairy]

Feeling very stressed out about this. DS has just started year 1, and has been at his school since reception. It's an all through private school. It takes us about 20-25 mins to get there, usually driving but sometimes public transport if I'm going into the office. He generally loves going into school, and is doing well. He is on the waiting list for an autism assessment, as he's had problems socially since preschool (lashing out etc) although so far in year 1 it's seemed better. The school are v supportive of him.

I just worry about him making local friends. And from my point of view too, I feel v isolated because as much as I've tried with the other parents it's not easy with people living in different areas and I don't feel they are really my type of people (Grandparents pay DS's fees). I'm a single parent with not much family around.

Feel awful about the idea of disrupting him to move school and what if he struggles with the bigger classes sizes etc with his potential autism/behavioural difficulties? The school I'd hope to move him to is rated outstanding and a 15 min walk away.

Also worry about what he'd do for secondary school... The ones near us aren't great, there are grammars but possibly out of catchment. The private school has an entry exam and v competitive, whereas if he stays at the primary he's almost guaranteed a place (about a sixth don't get offered a place from the junior school).

You’ve said that he’s generally doing well and loves school. Why would you move him? What is best for him? Why is he on he waiting list for an ASD so young?

I worry about him not making friends easily because of the distance / not having local friends. Especially being an only child.

Also from a selfish point of view (although effects him indirectly I guess) I wish the school run was easier, that I liked the other parents more, and that I didn't feel so isolated being in a minority of people in the area who's children don't attend a local school..

He was referred to community paediatrics by preschool aged 4 due to concerns about behaviour. The person he saw said she thought it was normal 4 year old behaviour and discharged him, which we were happy with. But problems came up again in reception, many phone calls from teachers, him hitting etc. Speech and Language therapist assessed him - she strongly advised an autism assessment.

I wouldn’t think as far as secondary yet.

If the grandparents are paying and they will continue and he’s happy I wouldn’t move a happy child (hopefully you have them locked into some contract and won’t terminate at a weeks notice)

Mainstream independents have their own rules. So if your child isn’t up to speed not fitting the jelly mould of their school they can terminate the contract.

Hence if hitting gets worse / not keeping up with work load in the later years etc. Fine in the lower years but it defo rams up workload later on.

I wouldn’t think of secondary now. Don’t stress that’s years away. You never know what happens from yr1 to yr7 (especially if difficult behaviour that is to help you feel a bit calmer)

Having spent years driving my kids around independent mainstreams yes local friends would have been nicer / walk to school etc. However hopefully there is a school bus that he will be able to catch when older.

Generally bigger intake yr3 and class move around. You only need a couple of parents to feel context.

You won’t get anywhere with the nhs / long waits for referrals you would be better to pay private if you want anything.

Single child - needs some weekend clubs that he enjoys to find friends. Hopefully weekend parties too to find some nice mums - they will be there you haven’t found them yet!

Yes I was worried about them kicking him out! Like you say they have their own rules. But have been happy with how they've handled it - very supportive and kind. I'm sure if the hitting continues into older years it would be a different kind of conversation though. Things seem to be improving on that front though fingers crossed.

I think at the moment it's more for me that I wish he was local. Easier school run, feeling part of local community, local friends. But I do worry as he gets older he might feel lonely. I also find it awkward when people ask which school he goes to. And hate pick up, the other mums are just not like me and I find it quite intimidating. I have tried being friendly etc initiating coffees. Even if we do makes friends (me or my son) they then live a drive away! I just find it all quite depressing.

Both DC had a commute to school but they made friends and we accepted that we had to be taxi drivers. GD is in the same position. You really shouldn’t expect to make friends of mums in the playground. The only thing you would have in common with them is- at any school - is that you both have DC there. You need to think more about your DS and what is best for him and less about yourself.

Agree you're not going to be friends with everyone at school. But at local school we would have more in common, live in same area for one! Also general vibe / age / circumstances / income / poshness. I definitely have more in common with mums I've met locally Vs any I've met through his school.

I worry about him not feeling part of the local community, and not having close friends nearby, so it is concerns for him as well as me (so hopefully not being too selfish!)

Then join things in the local area at the weekends. Moving him when he’s happy because he might not make friends in the local seems silly to me.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t feel the same as the other parents, it’s not you that is making friends, it’s him. You are going to have to get over that feeling. Surely you considered that the other children would like across a wider area when you sent him there. You just have to drive him to places. Honestly, a lot of time is spent taking children to places for a lot of years.

Leave him where he is happy and look for local clubs to enrol him into. Scouts, football, swimming, drama clubs in your area would give him the opportunity to make local friends and maybe friends for you too.

@FreesiaFairy You must have known the transport/friend issue when you chose a school miles away? My DD attended a school 30 minutes plus drive in traffic but still had friends there! I was a taxi service but it’s part of going to a private school.

His schooling isn’t really about you. You are working and you won’t be around much at a local school either. I’d go local if he’s asked to leave but I’d hang on in there at the moment as he’s happy. He’s probably around well behaved dc with small class sizes which is an advantage.

I would start looking at local schools just in case. Which have spaces? However behaviour support will be minimal in the state system.

If he is hitting out etc then there’s no guarantee he will make lots of friends in a local school. The classes will be bigger and he may become overwhelmed and struggle. Personally I wouldn’t move him in those circumstances.

I’d keep him where he is as long as grandparents are happy to pay right through until he finishes secondary school.
You can meet people elsewhere, and as he gets older he will make his own friendship group and will be invited to friends houses and parties etc.
Are there any more local after school activities he could join? Like a sports club or beavers/cubs

Thanks for your replies. Yes the commute and wider catchment were concerns when choosing school. Ultimately I thought it would be worth it for the opportunities that private could offer him. And I guess I still feel the same way, especially now it seems he needs extra support. We do have some local friends but it just seems so much easier when kids are at the same school. Last minute play dates walking distance, rather than everything having to be prearranged and driven to etc. Local clubs is a good idea. We did try football last year but he refused to go after a while. I also only have him one day at the weekend (goes to dad the other one) so that limits when we can do things too! Will look out for anything that might work, maybe after school.

I have an autistic 8 year old and would do anything possible to avoid disrupting him by moving schools, any transition is likely to be extremely hard for him and lead to worsening behaviour.

You haven’t said much about his needs, but if it could ever have seemed like “normal 4 year old behaviour” then presumably he’s at the lower end of need rather than special school level of need? Those kind of kids often do very well in the smaller/more protected environment of a probate school.

Our kids are in private school and in our experience so long as the school is supportive it can be much much better than state - the smaller class sizes are a huge advantage for ND kids.

As he gets older the other children will choose their own friends and play dates much more - in year 1 play dates are still largely being led by who the parents want to hang out with! But that will change over time and so long as he has friends he will get invites.

Obviously you have to do what’s right for you as well, but I work in our local autism support charity and have met literally hundreds of parents who would move heaven and earth to get their kids paid places at supportive private schools, you’re potentially giving up something that most people who are a few years further along in the autism world would be desperate to get.

In your shoes I would keep him at the school and look to make your own friends and support system elsewhere.

I’m a massive fan of being local with schools but I wouldn’t move him right now. Look for local groups like Woodcraft Folk or Cubs or swimming classes or drama or music stuff (particularly drama or music tbh) and start making friends that way. I think the fact that the school is managing behavioural issues well is enormous and worth some sacrifice on your part.

Kindly, you have GOT to get over feeling embarrassment at his school. I know what you mean. I considered sending ds private and literally the second thought into my head was ‘how would I tell Mary’, Mary being an anti-private school friend of mine. But if your child does have some additional need, whether it’s autism or just a stage of development, right now this is a good school for him, which is what all of us want. The small classes are gold dust.

I’m in the camp of not caring a fig what others think. Best friends have been anti private school - so what? They don’t have dc. You just ignore anyone who makes political points. Other friends - where grandad was a miner - sent their dc private. They were dead against privilege before they had dc. You just do your best.

I have an autistic 12 year old and he has a very small friendship circle. He also much prefers time on his own. I wouldn’t move school with a view to make local friends as he may not be interested or capable in making those friendships.

If GPs are paying all fees, can you fast track a private autism assessment? In our area it is 3+ years on NHS vs a few weeks for a private provider! This would be the most valuable thing you can do to understand your son’s needs and get him support if required.

If he is autistic, you can see how the independent school react to this and may be a better reason to consider a move if they are not supportive. Be aware resources in state schools have been decimated, so he may be better in private solely for having smaller classes and better funded resources.

He is happy where he is. You don't need to worry about fees.

Some children find it hard to make friends wherever they are and you can be lonely in a crowd.

I wouldn't disturb him at this point.

Unless you live in an area where the kids all go to the same secondary, this will work itself out socially.

The primary years seem endless but then suddenly they're all 11 and scattered to lots of different schools and they don't necessarily retain primary friendships.

Is it your parents paying for the school? Won't they be offended if you remove him? And have you checked notice periods. You potentially wouldn't be able to remove him till Easter now?

Does his dad have no opinion on education?

Have you actually visited alternative schools?

He might need an EHCP if his needs increase as he ages. Having a school that will support you getting one would be helpful.

Bur if he's happy at school, is this really about you yourself needing to feel more local connection? I do know what you mean as I've generally commuted out of area and you can end up feeling disconnected.

All valid points, and I feel a bit calmer about it this morning.

Fast track autism assessment, this could be an option, I didn't do it straight away after SALT recommended it because I'd just paid out for her, plus OT assessment which was nearly 1k. I think autism assessment is another 1k or something. It's doable though. School seemed happy for him to go on LA waiting list as they said how they treat him in school at the mo won't change either way - but they said it will be good eventually to get diagnosis especially for the older years.

He is happy and doing well. And yes there's no guarantee he'd make good friends at local school especially as his behaviour might be disrupted due to move and less support.

It is mainly me feeling disconnected / isolated, and as a single parent with not much support having a local community would be nice.

He does a drama class nearish by. Will carry on trying to make local connections, it just feels like hard work - Vs the idea in my head we'd have all these easy friendships if he was at local school!

My autistic 14yo is in an independent secondary school now. She was OK in state mainstream primary but I do think independent might have been better. My recently diagnosed autistic 16yo was in state school throughout but would definitely have benefited from smaller class sizes and a less busy environment in both primary and secondary. My 14yo has lots of friends. It does mean extra driving for me at weekends and in holidays but I know she wouldn't have coped at our local secondary so it's totally worth it for me.

Yes I feel like a twat every time someone asks which school he goes to! And also feel like I can't really talk about it (ie school trips, events, things happening at school) for fear of it seeming like I'm showing off.

@FreesiaFairy why didn’t you know you had an inferiority complex before you sent him to this school?! Honestly! Why are you unable to stand up for yourself and your decision? Now you want your insecurity to affect DS. Can you not say exactly why you wanted the school? It comes across as very weak and are you bullied? If friends cannot accept this, are they friends? You won’t make friends at the private school if you aren’t prepared to make any effort and are ashamed of your choice. Bizarre.

There is the Bentley / Porsche / discos / lambos / G class mums
There are the really exceptionally well dressed mums
there are the Botox / plastic surgery mums
there are the nanny gangs
there are the bitchy mums
there are the lovely mums
there are the crazy fly in and out mums
few random dads haha (which are quite funny so always worth talking to the dads haha)

However, try and find some. There will defo be some nice mums. You only need a couple. I’ve always found the nurses, large family, non uk mums to be more friendly.

Has the school got a Xmas fair, evening drinks? So much stuff going on at my kids schools.

Maybe you should be class rep next year and organise the events you will find out the nice mums and you can do all the organising in the places that are convenient to yourself.

Equally if ASD then friendship circles can be low. One day off at a weekend your world is your oyster - enjoy it 🥳

Equally I get what you mean as when I took my kids to state school swimming lessons you always got oh your from that school 👀

Independent schools take over your life.

Good luck not easy took me a couple of years but I’ve got some solid friends now. It takes time and effort! You will get there if your kid is happy - you have to find happiness yourself.

@Needsomethingexciting Why do you think Porsche owning mums are a breed apart and not nice? A Discovery owning mum is somehow unpleasant and not worth knowing? How ludicrously judgemental. Anyone with these values is clearly not capable of looking at the actual woman who might be lovely. I’ve never met a nurse mum at our private schools but I never remotely cared about jobs or cars. I’m a bit more in tune with people and not their cars or jobs.