Should I try and move DS from private to local school

[FreesiaFairy]

Feeling very stressed out about this. DS has just started year 1, and has been at his school since reception. It's an all through private school. It takes us about 20-25 mins to get there, usually driving but sometimes public transport if I'm going into the office. He generally loves going into school, and is doing well. He is on the waiting list for an autism assessment, as he's had problems socially since preschool (lashing out etc) although so far in year 1 it's seemed better. The school are v supportive of him.

I just worry about him making local friends. And from my point of view too, I feel v isolated because as much as I've tried with the other parents it's not easy with people living in different areas and I don't feel they are really my type of people (Grandparents pay DS's fees). I'm a single parent with not much family around.

Feel awful about the idea of disrupting him to move school and what if he struggles with the bigger classes sizes etc with his potential autism/behavioural difficulties? The school I'd hope to move him to is rated outstanding and a 15 min walk away.

Also worry about what he'd do for secondary school... The ones near us aren't great, there are grammars but possibly out of catchment. The private school has an entry exam and v competitive, whereas if he stays at the primary he's almost guaranteed a place (about a sixth don't get offered a place from the junior school).

@FreesiaFairy that's great! Honestly I was at the local school and whilst it was a lovely school and I made some nice mum friends, that was only because I happened to be in a nice class, it had absolutely nothing to do with being local. Even some of the families there were still 20mins away.

We had a few play dates but honestly not many. DS (and then other kids) were generally too tired after school. I also had to use the after school club a lot, so after school playdates weren't really feasible whichever school he went to! It was more about parties. Friends at the new school are spread out a bit in location, but as we settle in we'll start arranging playdates at places out and about.

I think it's often in the school holidays that I get that feeling, I remember the same last autumn half term and Christmas. We had also just been to a party where there were lots of parents from the local outstanding school he would have gone too, and it made me realise how much more I enjoyed talking to them than most of the parents I've met so far at DS's school. But I do think he's in the right place for him and if he's happy I'm happy! (Mainly lol)

I do worry about him feeling isolated as he gets older but hopefully he'll make some friends nearby anyway. I always had close friends that weren't at the same school so know it's possible.

@FreesiaFairy Why would he be isolated? Do you not have a car? Did I miss that? You will isolate him if you don’t drive. Why doesn’t he see friends now? My DD attended a prep 10 miles away and other DDs were 10 miles plus in the other direction - I sorted out play dates! You just have to. Doesn’t he want to have friends round? Or see them out of school? Does he have friends?

OP wrote "I've just done the school run awful traffic but with DS in the back saying how happy he is at school"

@Panola ok. I missed the driving reference. So why would dc be isolated? She has to ferry him around to friends. That’s how it works. If he’s isolated, he has not got friends. Or OP does not engage with other parents regarding play dates.

Yes we did a couple of playdates over half term. It's just a bit more effort isn't it, and feels less likely to happen as often when it's a car trip away. I can ferry him around that's fine but as a single parent it just adds another layer of stress onto my life! Someone I know up the road takes in turns to walk the kids to school with someone a couple of house down - was helpful when she had a new baby. (Both at local school). I had a loss in the family recently and found school run hard, would have given anything to have a local mum offer to walk him to school with her kids.

And for DS I wonder if having friends nearby would be better. When I say isolated I don't mean he never sees anyone / has 0 friends

My DD did see friends in our village despite being at a prep no one else went to. We made sure we went to local activities. I know what you mean about help locally but you cannot have everything - can grandparents not stay?

Thanks @OhDear111 feeling a lot more positive about it now. Yes you're right can't have everything and impossible to know what the best decision is all the time! Grandparents can help to a degree.

If your son is happy in the school he’s in I wouldn’t move him at the moment.

you say you feel like you don’t have community locally so I think the first thing to do is build that. Are you in local parent Facebook groups? Can your son join Beevers or other local clubs after school so you get to know local parents?

do you follow similar patterns of behaviour? My local pharmacist now knows me by name, (repeat prescriptions)the barista knows my order, the librarians at the local library know me and I them by sight. Try to build local connections by building habits and join local make friend groups. If you don’t work full time volunteer locally 1 day a week.

moving school should be the last not the first option

I sympathise, OP. We have a similar journey to school, although in our case it's a state primary and because there were no places in closer schools when we moved house. I spent a lot of time annoyed because of the time taken with commuting, especially when they were younger, and the trek to arrange playdates, and how much nicer it would be if DC's friends were on our doorstep, the way they would be if there'd been a space at the local school. Mine go to a big primary (four-form entry) so their friends travel from quite a wide radius.
But honestly, if you have a ND child who is happy, well-supported, has friends at school, and can stay there until 18, that's huge, and I really wouldn't throw it away.
I agree with the PP who said you have a child-free weekend day every week. Concentrate on using that time to build your own friendships, join a walking group or an art or yoga class, go on Meetup.com. Be proactive about building friendships with local parents. Join the PTA or volunteer with a local Beaver pack - they are usually desperate for volunteers and that would be a good way for DS to find some local friends too. Building friendships is hard as an adult, but it is doable if you work at it. (Speaking as an adult who moved to a new city 5 years ago, and now has some lovely friends here.)
Your other option would be to move closer to the school. I know if might not get DS local friends, as people tend to travel to private, but it would ease the commuting stress. Might be worth thinking about if DS is going to be there for another 12 years.

Just to say my DS has been at the state primary at the end of our road for 7 years now. Not one of his friends lives near us - they are all driven in from around the town! He walks to school alone now in year 6. He has a friend from scouts across the road who is 2 years older so they walk to scouts together. I haven't made any close mum friends from school. It has been more like an adult playground with cliques! He is moving to an independent school for year 7 while the rest of his year go to the local secondary. I am pleased that I don't ever have to see some of the parents again!