Should I try and move DS from private to local school

[FreesiaFairy]

Feeling very stressed out about this. DS has just started year 1, and has been at his school since reception. It's an all through private school. It takes us about 20-25 mins to get there, usually driving but sometimes public transport if I'm going into the office. He generally loves going into school, and is doing well. He is on the waiting list for an autism assessment, as he's had problems socially since preschool (lashing out etc) although so far in year 1 it's seemed better. The school are v supportive of him.

I just worry about him making local friends. And from my point of view too, I feel v isolated because as much as I've tried with the other parents it's not easy with people living in different areas and I don't feel they are really my type of people (Grandparents pay DS's fees). I'm a single parent with not much family around.

Feel awful about the idea of disrupting him to move school and what if he struggles with the bigger classes sizes etc with his potential autism/behavioural difficulties? The school I'd hope to move him to is rated outstanding and a 15 min walk away.

Also worry about what he'd do for secondary school... The ones near us aren't great, there are grammars but possibly out of catchment. The private school has an entry exam and v competitive, whereas if he stays at the primary he's almost guaranteed a place (about a sixth don't get offered a place from the junior school).

No but it can be intimidating for some people. Plus million pound houses. It’s just part and parcel of an independent school.

I don’t care remotely but if you’re new to a school and some parents have known each other for years (older siblings etc) it’s more difficult to get within the friendship circle.

Thank you for this :-)

@Desmondhasabarrow
Yes he's at the lower end of the needs spectrum. I guess would be what I think they used to called Asperger's? No delay in milestones, excellent vocabulary, doing well with reading and learning. It's always been the social issues with him (also sensitive to noise, slight monotone speaking etc). Might fast track assessment by going private as sounds like could be beneficial to get that sooner rather than later. The school have been very supportive and I think they recognise he's an asset to the school regardless of an autism diagnosis or not, so feel grateful for that.

i read that private primary makes no difference
so go with the local state primary

I've not had negative comments from friends about the school (or anyone really).

It's more a case of when I chat to people in the local area one of the first things that comes up in conversation is which school they're at, and I just feel awkward saying it - like I think we're better or that we didn't think the local schools were good enough. Worth it I guess, but on bad days it feels like an uphill struggle and quite isolating.

Any tips for navigating these kinds of conversations?

tell them his grandparents pay but it does seem to be a conversation ender
change the subject from school to activities?

No idea where you read that, but we were in a state primary and moved to a private - it is a thousand times better for my autistic 8 year old, the small class sizes and gentler/more flexible environment is really valuable for Sen kids.

on here probably

@FreesiaFairy Well you didn’t think the local school was good enough or you would have used it! Did the grandparents drive this? If you feel so awkward, why did you agree? I think your feelings take second place to dc being happy and doing well at school. Do you cannot move him because you feel you have to explain yourself. You don’t.

I liked the local school, and applied there as well as the private school. Was originally concerned about not getting into local school I liked that's when GP brought up the idea of private. Once that had been put on the table I feel like it was hard to go back - didn't want to turn down the opportunity for him. I guess I did think the private school could offer more and so ultimately went for that!

@FreesiaFairy i know it can be awkward - when we moved from state to private some of the parents at state were really offended!

In your shoes I’d just say “He’s at FancyPants School, his grandparents offered to pay” - it makes clear that it’s not that you’re posh and different to them, it’s not that you didn’t like the local school, it’s basically that his grandparents chose it. It gives you enough perceived distance from the decision that they are less likely to blame you for it if that makes sense.

Yes that makes sense. I've never been sure whether to bring up the grandparents paying but at the end of the day it's the elephant in the room so might as well be straight forward about it!

I personally would never bring up who pays the fees! I’m more likely to talk about my sex life than who pays my bills (to be clear, I wouldn’t talk about my sex life, it’s just a description of how private I think this information is). If they asked it would be incredibly rude, so I wouldn’t go there myself. It’s an elephant only to you, nobody else - an elephant you can walk through and ignore.

I’m sorry to say that friendship issues with children can transfer to the adults - if your child has difficulties with friendships some of the adults will distance themselves too (not all). Glad you are feeling calmer about it. I hope you get the assessment done - whether or not he reaches a threshold, it should be useful information.

I would move him to the state primary if the issue was money, if he is happy and the problem is more woolly, like you connecting with parents and local friends, definitely not. I say this as someone who drives across town to keep my asd dd at the primary she is used to. if they have good Send provision this is also invaluable.

ETA just saw your later post that grandparents are paying, in that case I would not move him if he is settled.

make friends another way op

If grandparents are currently paying if you pulled him out would they put the funds into a trust so that he could get assistance later on in life? Such as tutoring if needed or if you then wanted to send him to private school later on it life?
Of course grandparents have no obligation to pay the fees they are doing an amazing thing so should they stop for any reason would you be able to cover the fees?

Personally with the references you make regarding friendships the same will apply to state school. Children make friends and friendships change over the time in school. As they get older they will go to schools further. Kids are resilient.

Hope you come to the best decision for your child.

@Desmondhasabarrow Well that’s a convenient deflection and makes the op look like a beholden wuss. Honestly what a ridiculous situation. Keep the child where he’s happy and just say it suits DS. Too bad if others don’t agree. He’s not their child!

Yes I'm better this year with it, than last year, I was really embarrassed. Now if someone says 'oooh fancy' or something like that I say 'yeh he enjoys it' because at the end of the day it's true!

Just feels kind of awkward and it stifles conversations a bit as I'm aware of not seeming like I'm showing off about school trips, activities, etc

@FreesiaFairy Oh dear! Just stay factual and say it suits DS! That’s all you need to say. I’ve had a few people query what we did with DDs. Including mil. She had zero ambition and liked labeling people. She thought “getting above yourself” was a sin. I said I wasn’t - my DF and his siblings were privately educated. So stand your ground and don’t have a conversation. If they think it’s fancy, they probably want you in your place. Be yourself and be confident.

I agree it’s a deflection, it cuts out awkwardness and judgement when the op is just trying to get to know local people and finding this an uncomfortable topic. Obviously hopefully OP makes friends and then can discuss and “own” her choice more when it’s natural, but the issue seems to be OP feeling uncomfortable in the “getting to know you” phase. Sometimes deflections are useful!

Sounds like you’d be moving him for your sake not his

@FreesiaFairy I recently moved my DS to a private primary, and for ages I felt like I had to explain to people why I did it. I was almost over-explaining and over-sharing just so people didn't think I was a snob or bragging! It was all in my head, and one day I just decided to stop over-explaining, trust that I made the decision for the right reasons and be proud of my choices. It felt so liberating. When someone asked "oh what school does he go to?" I just started saying "he goes to xyz school, he really loves it there." That's it, nothing more! When I stopped trying to explain it, and got out of my head about it, I started really embracing it.

Give it time and you'll settle in with the other parents. It really can take a while, but you're so early in the journey. It sounds like the best place for your son, and I think you just need to trust in that and think nothing more about it - the rest will come!

I wonder about my son and ASD. Whilst I don't have a diagnosis and am not currently seeking one out, I strongly believe he's in the right place with the right support should he need it. The small class sizes make such a difference and he's so engaged with his education. He thrives in a structured learning environment and it's lovely to see.

Good luck with everything

I would not move him. Definitely not.

My dc are in Y1 too and I feel like I don’t fit in with the school mums. I find birthday parties excruciating.

I think the benefits of the smaller classes, more personal attention and presumably better facilities would win over your isolation for me.

I've had two children go through local schools and didn't make mum friends there either. I just realised that it just wasn't going to happen and school wasn't going to be the place to meet people. I would advise against moving him for the parent vibe as it's likely that it will be the same but for a different reason! Parents are just as clicky as the children - there will always be a group who know each other but that doesn't mean everyone is welcome in their group. I agree with previous comments- go for local clubs - perhaps offer to volunteer at something such as cubs where you will meet people too? Or look at adult activities for the day he is with dad so you can build relationships as you rather than as a mum?

Thanks @Bussythevampireslayer @Travellingatthespeedoflight and @happydays312 these are really thoughtful replies.

I've just done the school run awful traffic but with DS in the back saying how happy he is at school and how he has loads of friends and is doing well with his golden work. And I realise how grateful I am and that it's definitely worth it!! Especially with the rocky start we had at reception and preschool.

I do feel sad for him not having super local school friends, but all in all I think he's in the best place, and we'll just have to make local friends other ways. And yes in my head joining local school would automatically mean a tight knit group of local people but of course it doesn't always work out like that!!