School uniform tantrums

[YogiBearcub]

Hello!

I'm a bit afraid to post this in case I get the same response as my Mum gave me - "toughen up, slap him in the face & tell him to get on with it!" but we are having a terrible time getting DS to wear his school uniform. He started a new school this autumn and they're just switching to a winter uniform (5 days in) which he hates (polo shirt with 3 buttons and wool shorts with 4 buttons). Our son HATES buttons to the point I have stopped buying him clothes with them (maybe this was my fatal mistake). The buttons have now been cut out, but he still screams, cries, sobs and wails for 30mins every morning before DH & I have to literally shove him into the clothes & strap him to his car seat - with him sobbing all the way to the school. According to DS the shorts are itchy (being wool) and the polo shirt is hard (compared to the usual t-shirts and jumpers he wears without complaint). I can't get him to wear wool either anymore. When he was a baby/toddler (up to approx 2) he wore all these items without problems.

We bought the uniform the first day it was available in August (he's required to wear the exact clothes of the school with logos etc) and were showing him it regularly to get him used to the idea of wearing it but it has obviously not helped. We also have shown him how all the other children wear it as it was intended (with buttons) and have pointed out how some change to their civvies as soon as they leave the school (saying he can do the same). We've threatened to take him to the local public school which we did look at before deciding on an excellent and cheap (compared to the UK) private option nearby (DS is terrified of this as complained it's smelly - they were having a plumbing problem the day of our tour) but he still won't get dressed without a fight. I have to take my glasses and all jewelry off/tie back my hair to get him dressed as he will lash out and scratch/pull whatever he can get hold of while we attempt to dress him in this outfit. We are at our wits' end. He has never liked going to nursery or school but this is worse than ever before and causing me so much stress on a daily basis I don't know what to do apart from ask for some advice!!!

We live in Spain and although I know that in the UK if you can prove your kid has some sensory issues related to e.g. autism or ADHD you are legally allowed to ask for the kid not to wear a uniform, I am not keen to go down that route here. I believe he needs to wear the uniform as we don't want to raise him to think he can go through life wearing a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt (his preferred outfit). Hence I'm exclusively looking for advice to get him wearing the uniform, not ways to make the school change their policy.

Please let me know if you have any ideas <3!! xx

Poor kid. I can only imagine how uncomfortable wool shorts would be. I can wear some wool, but not next to my skin and only certain wools. My children both have sensory issues related to autism and this would have been unbearable for them.

I think it sounds like it is the wrong school for him. I moved my son from a very unflexible private school to a state school and it was the best thing I ever did.

Are there alternatives to the wool shorts?

You've made adjustments as far as the buttons are concerned, but if that isn’t helping, materials that he can tolerate would seem to be the only option. I think that making him wear a uniform he struggles with so much, will just make the situation worse. If there are no alternative fabrics and you don’t want the school to change their policy, I don’t think it’s the place for him.

It’s not entirely true to say that you can ask for your child not to wear uniform in the UK. What you can do is ask for adjustments that the child can tolerate. Some may be minor and others may be quite significant.

Thinking back the private school ds attended for a while had wool blend trousers & blazer BUT they were fully lined with a material ds could tolerate.

I am sensitive to wool and it brings me out in a rash. Not coincidentally I’m sure, I now have autistic dc. There is no way a school should be forcing a child to to wear wool.

You ‘threatened’ to send him to the school that the vast majority go to?

I’ve just had a sudden tangent horrible thought - do the private schools who do this, do so deliberately?

Can you get him a vest and some cycle shorts to go under his uniform so the clothes aren't touching his skin? Wool shorts seem like a mad choice for school uniform tbh.

We've threatened to take him to the local public school which we did look at before deciding on an excellent and cheap (compared to the UK) private option nearby (DS is terrified of this as complained it's smelly - they were having a plumbing problem the day of our tour)

I'd also consider some parenting classes. Threatening your child with something they're terrified of because they have sensory needs is disgraceful.

It's also quite short-sighted because it seems likely you might need to move him to this school at some point. You're not making life easier for anyone by using it as a threat and feeding his fear. You're now in a situation where he can't cope with the uniform of one school and is terrified of the other.

Is this school the right one for him?

Hmmm. My daughter goes to a semi private school in Spain (concertado) and I do know one of the kids in her group had a problem with one of the uniform materials and they were approved to changing what it was made of, but it had to be something of the same style and colour. I have never heard of a kid attending a school with uniform not wearing any uniform at all. I went to state school, no uniform there. Have you actually asked them for an adjustment? If it doesn´t work, perhaps a uniformless school would be better? But ask first.

Can he wear boxers instead of briefs so that little of the wool shorts actually touches his skin? Do they make kids boxers?

The buttons thing, tbh I'd just tell him to get a grip but would have more sympathy for him actually being uncomfortable.

Thanks yes, I should have said they are wool blend (45% wool I think but not 100% sure as he's currently wearing them), and lined where the 3 pockets are so maybe only 1/2 of the shorts touching him are actually in contact with the skin. I've just had an idea from this post (so thank you very much) which is that we could put him in boxer shorts for the 3 days a week he's expected to wear this outfit (the 2 other days are PE so he can wear the shorts/t-shirt summer uniform) so this way there would be even less skin contact.

Ah yes amazing suggestion - I just thought of the same seeing another post! I think this could really help!

I think the buttons possibly fall into the stop whining category but wool shorts sound awful! I know it would ruin the look but what about slugging them in the wash with a load of fabric softener to try to reduce the itchy? Or cycling shorts underneath? Otherwise I would have a word with the school to see if they would accept him wearing an alternative material in a similar style and colour e.g. standard navy tailored shorts. Failing that maybe see if any other parents wants to join a campaign to the school to change them. If I was at your school I’d join because wool is a nightmare to launder!! And at my DC’s old school (private, UK) the parents successfully petitioned for boys to have a trouser option so it can work.

Polo shirts can be quite stiff when new. For my DS with sensory issues I’d wash them repeatedly and iron them to loosen up the fabric. Some brands are gentler than others M&S ones were softer than others if you can get them in the right colour.

I feel sorry for your son’s needs being ignored and belittled by you tbh. Does he have ASD? Is he hypermobile? Are you even acknowledging and investigating why he has these difficulties? He’s clearly very upset and distressed by it all.

I should add that the other problem sending him to the public school is that it's 100% Spanish while the one he's at now is bilingual (our British neighbour's son recently started at the village school and is really miserable despite being 5yr older). Certainly in the short term it seems good he can get his Spanish level up to an acceptable standard before potentially being thrown in at the deep end at a school where he currently would not be able to understand everything that is going on. He went to a British nursery/school last year which we discovered after he started is tailored to SEND kids (and as such the "uniform" was non existent). This was a bad move as he was punched several times by a bigger autistic kid who'd been held back several years in his first week, and this triggered the dislike he has toward going to school in general. We are seeing huge progress at the school he's currently at, it's among the top 50 in Spain, they have an in-house psychologist who is aware of his sensitivities etc so I do think he will be on balance a lot better off there than any other option nearby. I think it is a good idea if the boxer shorts don't help to ask for a cotton alternative for the wool blend shorts but I fear he will freeze then once the weather really turns.

I also want to add the shorts are not the main problem for him at the moment, he is first and foremost concerned about the polo shirt it seems. This one he says feels hard. Maybe if we keep washing it it will help. I'm bothered by fragrance allergies myself so don't tend to use fabric softener but maybe it could help him.

Did your mother really tell you to slap him in the face?

My ND daughter is 24 now and still finds polo shirts difficult to the extent that when she worked at a coffee shop chain with a polo shirt uniform she was allowed to wear a black t shirt instead.

Thanks. This is a good idea. We will wash it several time, try fabric softening it, and indeed ironing is a good idea. He has so far refused it to be ironed because he says he likes it crumpled. It seems just to be any excuse to avoid looking "smart".

Yes, she said this is what she'd have done to me if I had behaved like this! I have for the record no recollection of ever being smacked in the face apart from once I was smacked with a hairbrush on my leg for being a total brat. I then showed all my friends at school that I had hairbrush marks on my leg!!! She never did it again...

I’d iron it and then crumple it again - anything to get him over the block of wearing the thing.

My autistic dc also can’t wear polos. It is the stiffness and for him also the collar’s feeling on the neck.

Button phobia is a thing, for some kids they can't wear them.no matter what. Steve Jobs had a severe button phobia.

Try tumble drying the clothes with fryer balls for added softness.

Thanks very much! It is really less about the wool shorts (he puts them on much more easily than the polo shirt and the complaint today was not about how they feel but rather that they are colourful) than his general refusal to wear anything other than a t-shirt and sweatpants. He is also going through a phase at the moment where he only likes red, navy blue and light green, and he goes crazy if I make him wear anything yellow or white (his polo shirt is white). I am however definitely going to try what you suggest about fabric softener for the wool shorts and also the polo shirt - maybe it can help at the margin.

I do think as parents we pander to a lot of his needs and desires, and we are not the best at setting strict limits. I think there is a bigger issue at play here where we need to get better at laying down the line with him and the uniform to me seems a good place to start as it's an "external rule". Like, when he's at home on the weekend (or indeed all summer), I very quickly give in when he refuses to wear his yellow t-shirt and let him instead wear navy ones just to avoid a drama getting dressed.

Clearly to be part of society there are certain rules that need to be followed, while others we can bend. He is unlikely to come into contact with shop lifting or speeding for some time yet so I thought a uniform is a good way to introduce the idea of rules that are there to be followed.