School uniform tantrums

[YogiBearcub]

Hello!

I'm a bit afraid to post this in case I get the same response as my Mum gave me - "toughen up, slap him in the face & tell him to get on with it!" but we are having a terrible time getting DS to wear his school uniform. He started a new school this autumn and they're just switching to a winter uniform (5 days in) which he hates (polo shirt with 3 buttons and wool shorts with 4 buttons). Our son HATES buttons to the point I have stopped buying him clothes with them (maybe this was my fatal mistake). The buttons have now been cut out, but he still screams, cries, sobs and wails for 30mins every morning before DH & I have to literally shove him into the clothes & strap him to his car seat - with him sobbing all the way to the school. According to DS the shorts are itchy (being wool) and the polo shirt is hard (compared to the usual t-shirts and jumpers he wears without complaint). I can't get him to wear wool either anymore. When he was a baby/toddler (up to approx 2) he wore all these items without problems.

We bought the uniform the first day it was available in August (he's required to wear the exact clothes of the school with logos etc) and were showing him it regularly to get him used to the idea of wearing it but it has obviously not helped. We also have shown him how all the other children wear it as it was intended (with buttons) and have pointed out how some change to their civvies as soon as they leave the school (saying he can do the same). We've threatened to take him to the local public school which we did look at before deciding on an excellent and cheap (compared to the UK) private option nearby (DS is terrified of this as complained it's smelly - they were having a plumbing problem the day of our tour) but he still won't get dressed without a fight. I have to take my glasses and all jewelry off/tie back my hair to get him dressed as he will lash out and scratch/pull whatever he can get hold of while we attempt to dress him in this outfit. We are at our wits' end. He has never liked going to nursery or school but this is worse than ever before and causing me so much stress on a daily basis I don't know what to do apart from ask for some advice!!!

We live in Spain and although I know that in the UK if you can prove your kid has some sensory issues related to e.g. autism or ADHD you are legally allowed to ask for the kid not to wear a uniform, I am not keen to go down that route here. I believe he needs to wear the uniform as we don't want to raise him to think he can go through life wearing a pair of sweatpants and a t-shirt (his preferred outfit). Hence I'm exclusively looking for advice to get him wearing the uniform, not ways to make the school change their policy.

Please let me know if you have any ideas <3!! xx

I don't have one of these and just bought a new washing machine without a dryer option (I thought we live in Southern Spain where clothes dry outside in 2hr so why have this option - but now I see how it could be useful!!!)

VERY INTERESTING thought. They are very elitist indeed. It could absolutely be a thing! I think I have to keep going for a little while longer taking onboard these many good suggestions and then see if we can get to the bottom of if he has genuine sensory issues relating to stiff materials and wools, or if he is just rebelling toward wearing formal clothing after the summer holidays when he lived in soft shorts and washed out T-shirts (the first 1-1.5 months of school the uniform was really a continuation of that theme).

How old is he? I was going to suggest a tumble dryer too. He might grow out of it, but theres a risk he won't too and if you continue to force him and he is uncomfortable at school this could impact his learning.

T shirt underneath polo shirt
Buy boxers for underneath the wool.

a surprisingly large number of people react to wool next to the skin and many people won’t wear it.

as with others, repeatedly washing the polos and frankly, just jumping on them a bit - so rubbing them around etc and moving the fabric - will soften them up.

can you buy used uniform? Second hand polos will be much softer.

We had to speak to a psychologist after he was punched in the last school as it was making him very scared of going to school and he stopped speaking at school which lasted for the whole school year. The psychologist said it's too early to diagnose any real conditions at c.4yr old, but that he might have social anxiety which was brought to the fore after the incident in the prior school. I had been very aware of checking for ASD and ADHD before we found the psychologist, but he really does not seem to fit the description of either.

The new school has been a million times better - he has started speaking and there are reports that he plays with several friends in class (both Spanish and international) so I am loath to uproot him again after we had such a bad experience at the last school. It is just actually getting him to the school that causes us problems at the moment, once he is there he seems to be OK.

I had the same battle with my daughter this morning, tights, cardigans or trousers she just had a complete meltdown.. it was exhausting for us both! Maybe give him some choices, it's this or this? I would also talk to the school for advice... sorry you're going through this I can completely relate to how hard it is, especially when you have to be out the door by a certain time!

’he screams, cries, sobs and wails for 30 mins every morning before you and DH literally shove him into clothes and strap him to his car seat with him sobbing all the way to school’

Please read this several times over until you realise how utterly traumatising this must be for your son.

REALLY constructive post. Thank you so much. I will try all the things you suggest. I am sure he will enjoy joining in with jumping on the Polo shirt too hahahah :-) Second hand is a good idea. I had asked if there was a marketplace for these when we were starting at the school (more for cost and environmental reasons) but they said no - however now we have some parent friends we could ask about! It's a very good idea.

Thanks for the sympathy and I'm very sorry (but also perversely a bit relieved) you have the same issue. It's a good idea about choices. He has several options for socks. And his shoes are quite mangled so maybe we could buy a different pair (I tend just to have one pair of shoes as again he kicks up a fuss about wearing anything other than his favourite trainers) so he has choices there too and then let him choose these parts. A really good suggestion - thank you!

OMG.

Please listen to what your son is telling you.

He's very uncomfortable.

Don't fight a war over something as unimportant as clothes.

Really valid question - sorry I didn't include in my OP. He's 4.5 years old.

Try the Sensory Smart website for suitable clothes.

Yes, but then you don't know that he has the same reaction to being left with a baby sitter (to the point we don't do date nights anymore), he goes crazy when we make him walk a medium/long distance and demands to be carried - DH always obliges to avoid the scene, if he doesn't get to sit in the shopping cart in the supermarket... It's his secret weapon to make us do whatever he wants. I have to find a way to draw the line.

Yeah, I would be very concerned if it will impact his learning. I will try to speak to the school psychologist today and see if she thinks he is distracted by the uniform when he's in class, or if he is just complaining about it when it's time to get dressed. The teachers usually have very little time at dropoff and pickup as it's a chaotic time, and in any case the psychologist will know much more about these considerations.

Hehe. I like the way you are thinking - you've got into his head I think! :-)

I think this is one of those situations that can be difficult to work out what might be developmental and what might be behavioural. If he’s learned that tantrums will get him off the hook, or get his own way he’s going to keep on doing it. If he’s really struggling with sensory or environmental issues all the discipline in the world won’t change things but equally he needs to be able to function in daily life.

He needs to know where your hard lines are and be supported to cope with those - lots of emotional literacy and ways of expressing feelings without aggression or violence (which is what you’re describing). Give space where you can and save the hard “no” for times when it matters.

I would be looking at public school I think, given that his distress seems so extreme - is the uniform related tantrum worse or more intense than the other tantrums you've mentioned?

On a practical note, soaking clothes in a white vinegar solution before wearing can also help soften them. Sometimes they're chemically treated to keep them crease-free until purchase and this can help remove the stiffening stuff and make them softer. I'd try this with the polo shirts at least.

It sounds as though your daily life as a family is difficult. Lots of ordinary things - going to the supermarket, getting ready for school, having a babysitter, going for a walk - are problematic. What seems to be missing are agreement on approach between you and your DH, what boundaries and expectations you want to set, and what techniques you use to encourage your son to cooperate (including reward, which you don't mention). Your son is only four, so there is time to change the way you do things so you can all have more enjoyable time together.

I never knew this! Thank you for the advice re white wine vinegar, I think it could really help the polo shirts. The public school is all in Spanish which he doesn't fully understand yet and given the suspected social anxiety & fact that he is making friends in his current school I think we will definitely stick it out at this school for the coming year at the very least. We are happy with the school but we just needed some ideas what to try next re the uniform!

You are right - a lot of everyday things can be a huge struggle, and my husband is more averse to creating a scene in public than I am. So hence will carry, put in the supermarket trolley etc while I may say "sorry, you have to walk - do you see other kids your age being carried?" So you are right we need to have some consistent rules for when he can be carried (late at night when sleepy or if running to catch a bus or plane) not on an everyday basis.

The other good point you raise is rewards. I will dust off the reward chart we tried to use to no effect about a year ago as I think he'd be more amenable to it now. Coincidentally he accidentally found it this morning before the uniform struggle began so it's great timing. Now we do ad hoc rewards but they are not really well planned out, so a reward chart is a good idea where he can collect stars over the course of the whole week and then get a special treat at the weekend or so.

The boxer shorts are a great idea, I was going to suggest silk long johns (albeit cropped to less than the shorts in length) or shortened leggings- would make him warmer but would stop direct contact with his skin, I wouldn’t like to be wearing wool against my skin either!

Thank you so much to everyone who took time to post on this thread. I have been blown away by the plethora of thoughtful and considerate suggestions (and that no one suggested to smack him into shape!). All have been taken to heart and I think several of your comments have opened my eyes to that there are wider issues we need to tackle. I am going to log off here now to look for his longest boxer shorts and vest top, look out the fabric softener/vinegar, dust off the reward chart, chat to my husband re parenting styles and go jump on the polo shirt he's due to wear tomorrow (loved that one!), and look out sock and trainer options to see if any of these things will help whether alone or in combination! Have a great afternoon xx

It’s not a secret weapon. Your child is deeply distressed and will be suffering trauma. Please consider how he feels deep down, even if it was a ‘weapon’ he isn’t doing it for fun or to ‘win’ he is doing it because what you are asking him to do is causing him suffering and anguish. I’m not saying this to have a go but you were so dismissive there of the idea that your son is going through trauma every morning when you force him into clothes and his car seat. He is very little and very unhappy. You need to drop the battle ‘just because’ and start to work with him. Put him first.

Smack him into shape? What is it, the 1970s?!

Change schools it’s not the right one for them.