Struggling with child starting reception

[Apricotafternoon]

Firstly I'll preface this with be please be gentle - unkind comments are not helpful, i'm very emotional as it is.

My child started reception this September. He was excited to start and whilst he can take a while to warm to a new setting and people I felt he was ready and he wanted to go. However, he is struggling to go in which I know is somewhat normal this early on but I don't feel he is getting enough proactive support to help him feel calm and reassured going in. As of last week I was at breaking point at having to force him in and leave him upset.

A bit of background when I did a tour of the school I had a gut feeling it wasn't quite right. I didn't like the early years lead and reception teacher as she seemed quite harsh and blunt and felt she has an attitude of if we're not sending him to the preschool there we're making it harder for him to start reception, and she turned her nose up at us sending him to private nursery (where he's been since she was a baby).

However, everything I heard about the school from other parents was great and it is within walking distance so we applied to send him there and she got a place. I thought maybe I'm being a bit overly anxious...I had a few wobbles still about sending him there but they got a new early years lead and teacher who seemed lovely and my child really enjoy their settling in session (which was 3 hours) and the TA was amazing with him so I felt reassured. Just to add there wasn't a meet the teacher before starting or a stay and play - it was straight in.

His first day he was upset, which I know is normal for the first few days, and the staff were attentive and helpful. But as the time has gone on he is getting more upset at drop off (tiredness doesn't help) and the school isn't proactively helping. He won't let go of me and shuts down completely. Their focus seems to be on helping the pre school settle and expecting reception to walk in without a care in the world. There is only a small handful of reception children completely new to the school as most are from pre-school so I would have liked to think the school would have a little more care and compassion to the brand new unsettled starters.

Drop off is noisy, busy and chaotic - not thought out very well system (a tight area to fit into), and I'm sure the crowds and noise is unsettling my child. The TA's are kind and caring and I appreciate there's a lot of children for them to help out but knowing my child struggles I would have thought some proactive support or guidance would be offered. I feel really alone and don't know how to move forward. I'm disappointed in the lack of care from the school. It's obviously difficult to chat with the teacher at drop off/pick up - everyone's always on a tight schedule. I tried to chat with the TA about it who I felt brushed me off and said he is fine once he's in but then rolled her eyes and said but he got upset again later that morning, which didn't come across as particularly compassionate.

I don't want any comments telling me I need to grow a thicker skin or it's a 'me problem'. I am his mother and I'm struggling at leaving him upset each day and not feeling supported. I would have expected at least the school to proactively discuss with me any options we could look at to help since it's been a few weeks now.

I'm at a loss. I've of course heard now after he's started, that the school has a reputation for being hard and strict...I appreciate rules and expectations for older children but not 4 year olds!

I'm not asking for detailed breakdowns of his day or constant feedback - I know that's not possible but I would have thought the school would proactively help a child who is clearly struggling - and subsequently the rest of the family feeling this.

I know school isn't compulsory until 5 - is that the term after they turns 5 (which is in the new year) or the September after? and do they then start reception or year 1?

Would I disrupt things even further by taking him out? I am considering moving him to a new school and at least I'll have lots of questions to ask the new school around how they care for and support the emotional wellbeing of the children. I'm also confused how to do this as I can approach the school I'm interested in to look into but they might not have a place.

Thank you for any advise and supportive comments x

His behaviour is very normal, most reception starters go through this phase, they usually settle in and calm down once inside, it’s just that leaving parents and actually going in that they struggle with. My DD was exactly the same last week.

Pulling him out will cause disruption and confusion. Just stick with it and it’ll get easier.

DDs teacher takes no nonsense, she fireman carries the children in if they are refusing to go in. I’ve handed both my children to her like handing over a watermelon, they’ve both calmed down within 2 minutes of getting into the classroom.

Relentless cheer with him.
it’s really common and we had it throughout nursery for pockets of time; he’d get upset for a week or two and then be fine again.

focus on getting good conversation out of him or ask the teacher some things they’re doing so you can talk about how good it is and asking about new friends.
if you’re anxious he’ll be more anxious.
As it’s so early that’s what I’d go with - it’s a massive transition and transitions can be very hard. It’s ok to take time to get used to it all; I’m amazed that many kids sail through it tbh

Give him something of yours he can keep in his pocket that he can hold. Obviously nothing precious that can’t be replaced.

That’s normal. I’m not really sure what you’re expecting the school to do? Making too much a of a fuss can make it worse. One of my DC took months to settle so I empathise, it’s awful for you. They do settle once you’re gone though, and it passes. A heart drawn on my palm and their palm, that we used to ‘power up’ with love before drop off seemed to help a bit.

Have a chat with the teacher- we are still having children teary on leaving parents which is normal- many settle within a few minutes once they are inside and have a good day. One is still upset for a good while and needs adult reassurance throughout a good proportion of the day.
For this child we have said for them to bring a transitional toy into school with them, that could be an idea.

Have the teachers mentioned how he is when they come into class? If they are like my 2nd example- Could he come into the class 5 minutes early so less chaotic and he can put his stuff into the classroom and be settled before the others come in or 10 minutes later again once the morning rush has calmed.

Sometimes also a quick plaster rip of a good bye, love you, I’ll see you at home time, go have fun is better than a prolonged goodbye, it’s ok, 5 minute build up to going.

Also have they made friends in the class, as that can help them in the transition? I wouldn’t move schools yet, as it is probably the transition of schooling not the school.

I am not sure what you expect from the staff in terms of being more proactive? In my experience, actually making more of a “thing” about acknowledging their upset actually makes things worse. It is far better to be a bit more getting down to business, quick goodbye, hanging coats up, quickly into classroom and into activities - it helps take their mind off it. The staff also don’t have time to talk to parents at drop off and in trying to do so you are actually making things harder for them to get everyone settled. A quick goodbye and then leave from you will actually help the situation.

They are very young and this is a massive change for them. It will take time. The chaos you describe is pretty normal in any reception class because there’s 30 of them. It’s like herding cats when they first start. They will get used to it and fall into a routine. It can be incredibly hard when you have to leave an upset child though, particularly when it’s happening every day.

I think if you are used to a private nursery then the school drop off procedure will seem harsh and uncaring. At a nursery like that there aren’t 30 children all arriving at the same time and you have far more staff there to help “meet and greet” and it feels far more personal. Again, reception will need a period of adjustment for both of you. They are very different environments. I do think your comment about the teacher disapproving of you sending him to a private nursery is projecting a bit though. They won’t care one bit and acknowledge parents need to work!

Please don’t take him out. It will make things worse for all of you.

I had phoned 9 parents by 9.30 on Friday morning to let them know their child had stopped crying and was fine. It's very common at this point (and for the next week or so). If it continues past that, I would expect the school to start working with you to see what could help.

What does proactive help look like?

Ime the best thing you can do is be cheery and breezy about it all. Hand him over and walk off quickly saying "have a lovely day". Odds are he really is fine once you're gone, and any sort of prolonging at the door is making it worse for you and everyone around you.

Everything you’re describing is normal - some children will always trot in happily and others will find the transition harder. Parents tend to project their anxiety/overthinking onto their children. I know you don’t mean to do this, but you have to just let things settle. If it’s still happening in a few weeks, then you can bring it up with his teacher.

Email the teacher, copy in the headteacher.

While it is normal for children to remain upset at drop off for quite a while, teachers rolling their eyes when you mention it is a bit rubbish.

My child had also gone to a private nursery (because I worked and the local pre-school hours did not fit/were only term time) and I was surprised to find that a lot of the parents and kids already knew each other from that pre-school. So I understand that that is hard.

But one time I had had a situation in reception where another child had been a bit unpleasant, so my child started to not want to go in. I asked to see the teacher, saw him, told him. The next morning, sure enough, we got to the gate and my child was crying and wouldn't let go of me. The teacher saw from his window and literally shot out and cheerily led my child in. I really did feel supported, and that is what your teachers should be doing.

So - email and copy in the headteacher. If there is just a general admin inbox, make sure in the email subject you say FAO Headteacher and Teacher. Just explain how difficult the mornings are becoming and ask for their support. Don't change schools just yet - I think that could be even more unsettling.

Make an appointment with head or someone senior to discuss your concerns and get a plan in place.

If you both have a plan that you can agree to, things might be better.

How wonderful you phoned those parents and reassured them. This shows the parents you care and they will feel reassured their children are in good hands. I have not received any comms..

Agree with this question. Respectfully, you say proactive a lot in your op but with no examples of what proactive looks like for your DS. It would probably look different from one child to the next, so you’ll probably need some ideas to bring to the table being the person who knows your DS best.

I sympathise as expect the same worries with my DD next year. You could take him out until the term after he is 5, but I expect it would be more of a difficult transition for him to make, joining an established class who started together in September!

Speak to the teacher first, don’t go to the head or senior first! They’ve only done one first week. Give the teacher a chance!!!

Someone knowing he is unsettled, coming and helping peel him off me, taking his hand and enthusiastically reassuring and leading him into class.

I am trying so hard to be cheering and not show my anxiety.

It’s great, and I salute this dedicated teacher, but it depends on staff being available to do this. The teacher and TA are looking after your children, not putting in nine phone calls to worried parents. It also feeds the parents’ anxiety, because they’re constantly looking for reassurance.

Not all teachers will have the time to do this though, some have no phones in their classroom, do lunch clubs or duties. May spend their lunch helping the children at dinner, changing them etc etc.

if at the end of the day they are speaking to you and saying he’s had a good day that is ok.

just ask the teacher for some strategies to help with the into school transition and they will offer some!

By proactive I mean the teachers seeing he is struggling so starting a discussion with me (not a brief few words at the gate) about ways we can work together to help. A few suggestions on here have been useful such as a transition toy/arriving a few minutes early or late. And as someone else mentioned, a call which can be passed on to the office letting me know he is ok

I’ve taught reception and whilst it is normal for some children to be upset in September, these are one or two children and I was always closely speaking to their parents and discussing ways that might help. It shouldn’t be ignored. I’m also a big believer that we as parents know our children best. I’ve moved my children to new schools and it definitely, definitely the correct decision. So I would 1) ask to have a meeting with the teacher and voice your concerns and 2) if they either try to avoid meeting you or are abrasive just move him.

You keep mentioning expecting them to be proactively offering support and guidance - what do you think that looks like? You will need to tell them. "Jimmy is struggling in the mornings, i think X Y or Z might help, is that something we can try?"

He is likely picking up on your emotions too. Is there someone else who can drop him off for a bit to see if that helps? Dad or a grandparent?

I wouldn't be taking him out at this stage, it's just delaying the problem. At the moment most of the kids will be unsettled and they can manage that as a whole

The phone call idea is lovely but not an ongoing solution, it's also more about you than him.

Does no one meet you at the door?

We live in a country of high anxiety and mental health issues. But yet have expectations for emotions and feelings to be so readily squashed in a get over it attitude. The school office could pass on the message. Some schools have apps, a quick message could be put on.

And not just for the parents. Tiny children are being told to just get over it, move on and not be nurtured and offered compassion and to squash their own emotions. A thing from right when they're toddlers where we try to teach them how to understand and express their emotions and not to internalise them.

The problem with being relentlessly cheerful is that it can make the child feel like you don’t understand how they are feeling/don’t believe them. It is better to acknowledge their worries and then tell them how to manage them, “I know you’re feeling a bit wobbly about going into school today, it’s hard isn’t it? But you’re going to be fine. Mrs Smith will look after you and I will be here to collect you at 3 o’clock. I’ve put a special snack in your lunchbox for lunch time. What are you going to play with today?’
If it’s only been a week I would give it one more week then email them and say that DS is still struggling with the transition and you would like a quick chat about the best way to support him with this. Then ask them what they suggest and tell them what you think will work.
At the same time make sure he’s getting loads of sleep and lots to eat, and lots of down time at home.

The phone call is for you though, not your DC. Is this what you mean here? Are you talking about your own emotions and anxiety? Schools will ring if there’s a problem; they can’t be ringing parents and messaging parents long-term to reassure them that there’s no problem.