Struggling with child starting reception

[Apricotafternoon]

Firstly I'll preface this with be please be gentle - unkind comments are not helpful, i'm very emotional as it is.

My child started reception this September. He was excited to start and whilst he can take a while to warm to a new setting and people I felt he was ready and he wanted to go. However, he is struggling to go in which I know is somewhat normal this early on but I don't feel he is getting enough proactive support to help him feel calm and reassured going in. As of last week I was at breaking point at having to force him in and leave him upset.

A bit of background when I did a tour of the school I had a gut feeling it wasn't quite right. I didn't like the early years lead and reception teacher as she seemed quite harsh and blunt and felt she has an attitude of if we're not sending him to the preschool there we're making it harder for him to start reception, and she turned her nose up at us sending him to private nursery (where he's been since she was a baby).

However, everything I heard about the school from other parents was great and it is within walking distance so we applied to send him there and she got a place. I thought maybe I'm being a bit overly anxious...I had a few wobbles still about sending him there but they got a new early years lead and teacher who seemed lovely and my child really enjoy their settling in session (which was 3 hours) and the TA was amazing with him so I felt reassured. Just to add there wasn't a meet the teacher before starting or a stay and play - it was straight in.

His first day he was upset, which I know is normal for the first few days, and the staff were attentive and helpful. But as the time has gone on he is getting more upset at drop off (tiredness doesn't help) and the school isn't proactively helping. He won't let go of me and shuts down completely. Their focus seems to be on helping the pre school settle and expecting reception to walk in without a care in the world. There is only a small handful of reception children completely new to the school as most are from pre-school so I would have liked to think the school would have a little more care and compassion to the brand new unsettled starters.

Drop off is noisy, busy and chaotic - not thought out very well system (a tight area to fit into), and I'm sure the crowds and noise is unsettling my child. The TA's are kind and caring and I appreciate there's a lot of children for them to help out but knowing my child struggles I would have thought some proactive support or guidance would be offered. I feel really alone and don't know how to move forward. I'm disappointed in the lack of care from the school. It's obviously difficult to chat with the teacher at drop off/pick up - everyone's always on a tight schedule. I tried to chat with the TA about it who I felt brushed me off and said he is fine once he's in but then rolled her eyes and said but he got upset again later that morning, which didn't come across as particularly compassionate.

I don't want any comments telling me I need to grow a thicker skin or it's a 'me problem'. I am his mother and I'm struggling at leaving him upset each day and not feeling supported. I would have expected at least the school to proactively discuss with me any options we could look at to help since it's been a few weeks now.

I'm at a loss. I've of course heard now after he's started, that the school has a reputation for being hard and strict...I appreciate rules and expectations for older children but not 4 year olds!

I'm not asking for detailed breakdowns of his day or constant feedback - I know that's not possible but I would have thought the school would proactively help a child who is clearly struggling - and subsequently the rest of the family feeling this.

I know school isn't compulsory until 5 - is that the term after they turns 5 (which is in the new year) or the September after? and do they then start reception or year 1?

Would I disrupt things even further by taking him out? I am considering moving him to a new school and at least I'll have lots of questions to ask the new school around how they care for and support the emotional wellbeing of the children. I'm also confused how to do this as I can approach the school I'm interested in to look into but they might not have a place.

Thank you for any advise and supportive comments x

I have had this problem not in reception but year 1, 2 and now 3. I did luckily have the teacher helping me get my DD through the door but it was a real battle. I would contact your school office either via phone or email and request a call back from his teacher to discuss the issue. My DD now goes in via a different entrance to the other children and it has helped immensely. I'm not saying this is necessarily the step to take for your child but there are options and there is no harm highlighting your concerns to the school and hopefully they will engage with you in supporting your son to come in with less stress.

You mention trouble at home - that may be the compounding factor here

Obviously I don't know what the issues are but if there is something like domestic violence he may well not want to leave you because he's scared FOR you being there without him (or if he's hearing shouting between you both when he's not in the room but not when he's there in his head 'if he's with you Daddy doesn't shout therefore I should be with Mummy'

You don't know what other children are going through.

Ds had tears before we left home, and I had to peel him off every lamppost on the way to school. What should have been a less than 10 minute walk took 40 minutes because he so didn't want to go.
When he walked through the school gates he changed and he walked in as though he was totally happy.
He then held it in until the moment we got through the door at home. He did this well into year 1.

His friend cried until Mum had turned round the corner, then switched them off (in Mum's words, after she'd watched from a distance a few times) like a tap - as long as she was left alone and bounced out of school at the end of the day talking about what fun she'd had. If a teacher tried to comfort her, the tears lasted for far longer. She stopped crying on the way in by October.

If you'd seen the teacher trying to support him, you'd have thought how he was fine, and they should be looking after the other dc instead. But that wasn't the reality of the situation.

You've had a lot of replies already and I've only had time to read the first page so sorry if I'm repeating things but, as a Reception teacher, I didn't want read and run.

Definitely don't pull him out. Legally, he has to attend school from the term after his 5th birthday (unless you home school) so if he's 5 soon he may as well get use to it now, rather than prolonging the inevitable.

It's very early days still, and it's very normal for some children to be distressed at drop off for some time while they get use to their new routine. It's also very normal for parents to struggle to adjust to a new system. You have been use to years of private nursery, where you were a paying customer and were given personal handovers at drop off and pick up. School isn't like that. You won't get daily updates, as the staff simply don't have time to speak to everyone individually about their child's day. Everyone is arriving and leaving at once, unlike nursery where it was staggered drop offs and pick ups. If you need to speak to them about something specific at drop off or pick up they should be available to listen, although you may need to wait until they have seen everyone in or out safely. If they need to talk to you about something they will. If not, take no news as good news. It means your child has had a good day.

If drop offs are busy and congested I would hold off arriving until just before the doors close. Most schools have at least a 10 minutes window in which you can arrive. Wait until most people are in. If the doors close at 8:55am (for example), you don't arrive until 8:52am. It might help him if most people are already in and the drop off area isn't so loud and busy. You also might find the teacher has more time to help him in/chat to you, if they've already seen the majority of the class in and most of the parents have left.

The old EYFS lead was wrong to suggest you weren't helping him by not sending him to pre-school. Many working parents need to use private nurseries until their child starts school, as the hours work better for them. You say it's a new teacher now. Do they definitely know that your child didn't attend the pre-school and the school and his peers are all new to him?

I wouldn't advise taking in a transitional toy from home before checking with the teacher first. Some schools don't allow toys from home, as children get very upset if they get lost or broken (and before long, the other children will all want to bring something in from home too. It can be hard to manage). Ask the teacher in the morning if this would be possible (just because it will be more upsetting for him if you bring a toy and he's not allowed it).

Some parents do things such as drawing a lovely heart on both their child's wrist and their wrist to act as a 'hug button'. They know they can 'press' it any time they want in the day, and the 'hug' will be sent to mum.

This is a nice book to read together:- https://amzn.eu/d/c0nP395

Speak to the teacher in the morning, or ask for an appointment if they don't have time on the door. Explain that you and your son are both finding the transition hard, especially because you're new to the school, and ask if they have any suggestions to help. Don't expect a phone call, as most teachers are too busy with the children to do this (and office staff too) but ask if you can just have a thumbs up at the end of the day if he's been ok, just for a while while he's going in upset, to reassure you. I know it probably feels like they don't care if they're not doing this already, but chances are they have no idea how much you're struggling and could do with this reassurance. They won't know, unless you tell them and ask for reassurance. Once you've bought it to their attention, I'm sure they'll be only too happy to oblige until he's settled.

Rules and expectations are incredibly important from the off in Reception (just like they are at home). Yes they're only 4, but the earlier they understand what is expected of them the quicker they will settle. If there are no firm boundaries, it takes longer for children to settle as knowing the boundaries helps children to feel safe. I am probably seen as a 'strict' teacher in that children are told no (gently) from the very first day if they're doing something against our rules. We do a lot of work on rules and expectations in the first few weeks, with lots of positive reinforcement. Most children want to follow the rules as they like praise. Those who don't, we are firm and consistent with. There are many who do think Reception are too young for this approach but I disagree.

Has your little one made any friends yet? Does he have a favourite toy or activity at school? Talk about all the things and people he likes as you walk towards the door, even what he'll have for lunch etc. Reassure him he'll have a lovely day and you'll be back at home time. Then it's a very quick kiss and cuddle before it's goodbye and you're walking away, even if he is crying. This is where you do need the staff to help. Explain you'd like to hand him over to them if he's crying, so you know he has someone to comfort him until he's calm. Then you walk away. I know it's really hard to do so, but he will settle soon. You both just need time to get use to your new normal. Change is bloody hard at times, no matter how old you are.

Good luck.

Thank you, I really appreciate taking your time to reply and for your suggestions. I will try them out this week Xx

Have a quick chat with the teacher, if you feel he’d be better being greater then ask for that - I also wonder if he’d be better going in a little later once the initial rush has calmed down?

Shocked by the comments, tbh! A child's distress isn't something to be completely ignored. They are so young at 4 - and we are one of a few countries who start them this small. I would 100% go for a reduced timetable until the term after he turns 5 (so for you those would be Jan) as legally he doesn't actually need to do full time until then. It's about what's best for HIM, not everyone else. What suits him. Dragging a child into school kicking and screaming isn't what's best for them. You're their safe person, and allowing that to happen to them betrays that. I've been in reception the last couple or weeks (my son has a medical condition the school aren't yet trained in handling 😑); and I have to say so many of them burst into tears through the day and are ignored, or told it's not that bad, gaslit into thinking their feelings aren't valid.. and then of course the school don't tell the parents that their child was sobbing through the day! what actual learning can happen when a child is in a completely disregulated state anyway?!

I would do whatever is best for your son. That means mornings only, do that. Or looking at other schools? Your gut feeling isn't often wrong.

I am seeking advice regarding my daughter, who is 4 years and 6 months old and entered reception this September. I am concerned about her readiness for Year 1 next year, particularly with reading and writing. While she is a willing and eager learner, I am unsure if she will be adequately prepared. Is this a common concern, and what steps should I consider taking?

Fully agree with this.
Good advice.

Yes this. My child is still struggling with being dropped off into year one and my experience is there is plenty the school can do to support with it. They have quite a few children at her school that struggle with drop off and different strategies work for different kids.
breakfast club or going in slightly earlier to settle when the room is quiet
going in slightly later when the others have already arrived and are settled
bypassing the classroom altogether at the start of the day and spending time with a named ta or even in the HT office until ready to go to class
arranging to go in with a friend
having a year 6 buddy and going in with them
meeting class teacher/TA to be their helper in the morning
using visual timetable so child is more confident with The Plan (they probably already have one at school, for some children it’s helpful to use it at home as well)
office staff email parent to say child has settled
dealing with and accommodating any specific worries the child has when in class (obviously working in conjunction with parents)- can they see the board? Is the uniform comfortable? Do they like school dinner or would they be better on packed lunch? Do they need to be with or separate from another kid for now? Do they have the necessary skills to ask for help and get to the toilet for example?

as others have said avoid having a prolonged goodbye routine, because that is hard. Tell the child you’ll see them at home time and you’re excited to hear about their day. When you say you are going you have to go so that you are truthful and reliable.

it’s so hard though good luck. My child has additional needs so I’m finding some of the comments here quite brutal! School should be working with you to meet your child’s needs as an individual though sen or not - it’s in everyone’s interest, especially your child’s for school to be a safe happy place, so they should want to help you get this right. Tell your child that you and school are trying to do that.

You will get better advise if you start your own thread.

However I'm don't think you need to worry about starting year 1 in 10 months time. Your DC has nearly the whole of Reception to go still. Personally I would focus on reading first e.g. reading to them lots and them doing regular reading to you, plus any sort of drawing and bits of writing if they can e.g. writing their name.

You understand that this has taken her out of the classroom, away from the children? I don’t disagree that it’s a nice thing to do but that’s half an hour of the day not spent actually doing her job with your child.
All these extra things take time. Your child is not the only one they have to worry about. You might think ‘oh it only takes 5 minutes to do that’ but multiply the 5 minutes by 6 kids and you've lost half an hour.
Maybe school could be doing more but be aware they’re having to do it for multiple children all at once.

What heartless replies from this thread OP. I think most must have children that are a tad upset and then quickly settle once they leave. My son has just started reception, summer born too and he really struggles with drop offs. Sobbing, chasing me out of the gate, trying to open the gate etc. so it really isn’t as simple as just drop and go. That’s where the teachers step in and help. I help put his bag and coat away, I read him 1 small book and then give him a kiss and cuddle goodbye. I then let him choose a teacher to stand with and physically take him over to them and say I’m going now, they then actively stop him from chasing me and provide reassurance in the moment. They also have a class marble jar for good behaviour and they suggested he gets a marble if he lets mummy and daddy go which has helped massively. If the teachers are just leaving you to it and not offering hands on help I totally understand the struggle. I would request a meeting with the early years lead and explain your concerns and hopefully they can put things in place. Once he settles I’m sure it will get easier but in the meantime it’s heartbreaking.