Struggling with child starting reception

[Apricotafternoon]

Firstly I'll preface this with be please be gentle - unkind comments are not helpful, i'm very emotional as it is.

My child started reception this September. He was excited to start and whilst he can take a while to warm to a new setting and people I felt he was ready and he wanted to go. However, he is struggling to go in which I know is somewhat normal this early on but I don't feel he is getting enough proactive support to help him feel calm and reassured going in. As of last week I was at breaking point at having to force him in and leave him upset.

A bit of background when I did a tour of the school I had a gut feeling it wasn't quite right. I didn't like the early years lead and reception teacher as she seemed quite harsh and blunt and felt she has an attitude of if we're not sending him to the preschool there we're making it harder for him to start reception, and she turned her nose up at us sending him to private nursery (where he's been since she was a baby).

However, everything I heard about the school from other parents was great and it is within walking distance so we applied to send him there and she got a place. I thought maybe I'm being a bit overly anxious...I had a few wobbles still about sending him there but they got a new early years lead and teacher who seemed lovely and my child really enjoy their settling in session (which was 3 hours) and the TA was amazing with him so I felt reassured. Just to add there wasn't a meet the teacher before starting or a stay and play - it was straight in.

His first day he was upset, which I know is normal for the first few days, and the staff were attentive and helpful. But as the time has gone on he is getting more upset at drop off (tiredness doesn't help) and the school isn't proactively helping. He won't let go of me and shuts down completely. Their focus seems to be on helping the pre school settle and expecting reception to walk in without a care in the world. There is only a small handful of reception children completely new to the school as most are from pre-school so I would have liked to think the school would have a little more care and compassion to the brand new unsettled starters.

Drop off is noisy, busy and chaotic - not thought out very well system (a tight area to fit into), and I'm sure the crowds and noise is unsettling my child. The TA's are kind and caring and I appreciate there's a lot of children for them to help out but knowing my child struggles I would have thought some proactive support or guidance would be offered. I feel really alone and don't know how to move forward. I'm disappointed in the lack of care from the school. It's obviously difficult to chat with the teacher at drop off/pick up - everyone's always on a tight schedule. I tried to chat with the TA about it who I felt brushed me off and said he is fine once he's in but then rolled her eyes and said but he got upset again later that morning, which didn't come across as particularly compassionate.

I don't want any comments telling me I need to grow a thicker skin or it's a 'me problem'. I am his mother and I'm struggling at leaving him upset each day and not feeling supported. I would have expected at least the school to proactively discuss with me any options we could look at to help since it's been a few weeks now.

I'm at a loss. I've of course heard now after he's started, that the school has a reputation for being hard and strict...I appreciate rules and expectations for older children but not 4 year olds!

I'm not asking for detailed breakdowns of his day or constant feedback - I know that's not possible but I would have thought the school would proactively help a child who is clearly struggling - and subsequently the rest of the family feeling this.

I know school isn't compulsory until 5 - is that the term after they turns 5 (which is in the new year) or the September after? and do they then start reception or year 1?

Would I disrupt things even further by taking him out? I am considering moving him to a new school and at least I'll have lots of questions to ask the new school around how they care for and support the emotional wellbeing of the children. I'm also confused how to do this as I can approach the school I'm interested in to look into but they might not have a place.

Thank you for any advise and supportive comments x

I didn’t say ‘get over it’.

These things take time, it takes time for children to settle. DS1 has AuDHD and struggled with KS1; I had to play the long game, seeing how things played out and riding the ‘blips’ (and there were many!). He started secondary last year and we got him some helps from CAMHS because he was experiencing worries; he is now in a much better place. It just took time.

I think you should hash out quite quickly whether you can work with the school or not. You either stick with it or you move him quickly, and firmly stick with that option.

I’d see how he goes over the next couple of weeks, ask for extra support and then make a decision.

It is easier for children who have done pre school. My daughter mostly did private nursery but I started transitioning her to school by dropping a day at private nursery for pre school and sending her for a half day on my day off with her. Our private nursery was great and they did registration and such like, but it was still different to the school environment. Decompression time is really important at this age, I’d have lots of quiet time at home instead of big days out and try to talk about how he feels and why. I wouldn’t go for toxic positivity but more radical acceptance. I understand you don’t want to go and don’t like it but you have to, what shall we have for tea/do after school, who might you see today to play with etc.

I am someone who has sent their kid to a private nursery and whose kid started reception this week too. speaking gently, he can't have been there for more than a week , maybe two - these are quite radical thoughts your having after only a few days! If most of the children know each other of course he will find it strange, but that's the way it is. What you're describing re drop off is common behaviour. Your probably noticing that most children are walking in very confident which makes it harder for you, but remember they've been going for a long time and this reception change isn't much different for them. You are also very used to the nursery environment where they will spend time supporting and guiding the parents and keeping them
Informed, and doesn't carry through to school. I don't believe it's lack of care from the school - he hasn't been there long enough for you to experience that.

and again, I think suggesting you take him out until next year based on him being unsettled for the first couple of weeks is quite radical. It's a big change and it will take a bit of time. I think if you were at a school with no preschool attached and all the kids were "new" you wouldn't feel this way. Meanwhile, you do need to be the bigger person here - you need to be cheery, be positive at drop off. give him
something of yours he can smell. Give him a pebble with a a drawing of a heart on it or something

Some feelings are OK to be played down, so that our brain can reinforce that everything is OK, has been OK, and will be OK.

If you start expecting a daily phone call, you will anxious when you don't get one. Reinforcing that you need the phone call, when really you don't.

Who is lacking in compassion? The teachers have seen it all before, they know making the handover a big deal makes it worse. So will go for a quick exchange at the door, and reassure once inside.

Just to clarify, I am mentioning to the teacher regularly at drop off that he is upset again today or having a hard time. Which she can visibly see.
I appreciate teachers and TA's have a lot to do and can't dedicate their time to one child solely. But looking for short term solutions, which I thought the teacher would be more open to having a discussion about. I really don't think I'm expecting too much when it comes to my child's emotional well-being. Even a simple thumbs up from the teacher at the end of the day would be helpful.

What upsets me the most is they seem more focused on the new preschool starters than reception. I'm not offered much help but yet I see the teacher really reassuring a preschooler and chatting about their upcoming day. The teacher barely engages with us while my child is hanging on to me. There was an email saying now the preschoolers have settled they expect preschool and reception to be dropped and go. There was no indication of reception feeling settled. It's not about the drop and go, I know that's a normal expectation but the email confirmed to me that they don't seem to think reception children need support. Maybe it was just a poorly worded email...

Suggestions on here such as a comfort toy from home is good as well as suggesting a slightly different start time. I think these will massively help. I really hope the school will allow some flexibility here. I will send an email.

Everything I'm talking about is short term solutions, likely only a week or two at most.

And yes my anxieties are sky high, I'm struggling with that aspect.

It does sound like you are spending a long time in the drop off. How long are you at the door?

The best thing for his emotional wellbeing is for you to go. They will be giving emotional support in the classroom.

The teachers aren't there to emotionally support you.

I appreciate this, drop offs are drawn out because it's a struggle to get him in and that's why I'm needing support to get him in. I feel very alone.

If someone could help it would speed the transaction up and he probably wouldn't get as anxious. I probably wouldn't get as worked up. It's so hard. I can't balance it without help. Do you see what I'm saying? I know drop needs to be quick and for me to go so he gets in and gets settled but no one is enabling that I'm literally trapped, trying to get him to let go and go on while other parents squeeze past us.

What evidence do you have that the ‘best thing for his emotional wellbeing is for you to go’? Because it is a much touted idea but not backed up with anything.
It is most convenient for the school if the parents leave quickly, but not necessarily for the child.

@Apricotafternooni would remind the school that not all reception children have been there since preschool and some might need settling, however suggesting a discussion and short term solutions for a child who has been upset at drop offs only a couple of weeks is probably something they're not going to give much weight to. It's not uncommon. FWIW, and or reassure you that your school isn't too different or harsh, Monday is the start of week 2 for my child and all children are now dropped from
the main school gate on the pavement (teachers are there) and we don't go to the classroom. Schools in the local area are the same so your school isn't doing anything too differently. Ours don't have a preschool attached.

My DS2 was like this, it did take a while before he went in not crying, nursery was at the same school, and he also cried going there. It really surprised me because he was such an outgoing, confident, happy boy with lots of friends, he just missed me and wanted to stay with me. Changing school wouldn’t have helped, having friends round after school helped and some bribing with a new toy at the end of the week also helped. The school were good and tried everything, getting his older DB to come in to see him, that made him cry more, there was no point me staying for a while as he would only have cried when I left anyway. It’s heartbreaking for parents, I used to get home and cry myself.

I'm confused by the drop off situation, is it not meet the teacher/TA at the door? Or are parents allowed in.

At my school, you drop at the door to the TA and teacher is inside to pick up the criers.

As for evidence, AFAIK there's no scientific studies, but years of anecdotes is that a quick drop is better. Children usually calm quickly with distraction and have a wonderful day. Long droppers prolong the crying and still have the transition once parents are gone anyway.

The transition from nursery to school can be a very tricky one.

at (private) nursery you are a paying customer. They’ll go to a lot of effort to keep in touch with you and let you know how your child is doing. They’ll also take guidance from you (up to a point) on how you want things done - at a minimum they’ll meet with you to discuss things.

at school, you are not a paying customer, in fact you are not seen as the customer at all, your child is.

most schools don’t prioritise parent communication they prioritise spending time with the children and working with the children (and the vast, vast amounts of paperwork that need doing).

if your child is settling fairly quickly after drop off they won’t consider this anything out of the normal and it would be a very rare school that phoned parents to let them know their child was ok.

at this stage they’ve only been in a couple of weeks. There are things you can do to support your child - transitional object like a rock with a heart painted on it, or a blanket. At school unless your child is really, really outside of the norm struggling the teacher won’t initiate a meeting to give you ideas how to help your child. You are expected to do that your self, either by talking to other mums or by getting advice online.

I’m sorry your child is having difficulty settling. As an ex teacher I can say that many children have difficulty settling in reception and so you are not alone.

And yes my anxieties are sky high, I'm struggling with that aspect.

Gently, I think this is your biggest issue. The school years are looong with many many ups and downs for them and us as parents, you do have to try and get some resilience to it. Whether it be this or them having friendship issues, bullying, struggling with learning etc there is usually something going on. What your son needs is for you to be strong and reassure him. Taking him out at this stage seems crazy, surely you are just transferring the issue elsewhere? It is so common for reception aged kids to be like this - your Son will not be the only one and in a little while you will wonder what all the fuss was about.

Does it have to be you to drop him off?

The two of you together may be winding each other up - you are upset because he is upset, then he gets more upset because you are upset

It may be worth as a one off getting his dad (or grandparent) to take him to school - so you can see if it is different.

If dad feeds back he went in quite happily for him (which mine did) it may make you more confident in the future

The school gate at drop off/pick up is not the time to be trying to have a conversation about strategies. That needs to be a separate conversation at prearranged time.

I asked before but it may have been missed - can someone else drop him off? Dad or a grandparent, to see if taking you/your emotions out of the mix makes any difference. I don't mean that harshly btw.

Also, can you identify exactly why your anxiety is so high with all this? Especially since he's been a long term nursery kid, it's not like this is the first time hes regularly been left in someone else's care. No matter how hard we try to conceal it, they do pick up on our emotions and it's hard to teach them resilience when we're struggling with that ourselves

I appreciate everyone's feedback and I do see I need to work on my anxieties. Home life is hard too so there's more to it but it obviously isn't helping.

After a good cry I do actually feel a bit more enabled to change things up next week, set expectations of a quick drop off, send in a transactional toy and see if that helps. I might get there early so he's one of the first in to avoid the crowds. I just wish if the teacher sees him struggling to call him over, encourage him.

Thanks all x

This is all perfectly normal.If you hang around and act emotional your child is going to pick up on that.
Children that get dropped off/walk in and their parents leave quickly settle alot quicker than a parent falling to pieces at the school gate.
i can assure you that once your child is in class they are perfectly happy and calm with their friends.
I don’t mean to sound harsh but you being emotional and crying really isn’t helping your child as they are picking up on your emotions.

Don’t cc the Head. The team are probably trying the best they can in a very stressful time for everyone. All the children settle. Pulling him away now will only create a problem for later. Trust the staff and if there continues to be a problem by the end of the next week, consider Making a plan, maybe half days

Im sorry to hear things are hard at home. Is that something you're able/want to expand on? It could change the advice significantly

I was quite an anxious mum with one of my children. Actually he had needs that meant my instincts were right and he is now in a much better school. Whereas I was never anxious about my other child and lo and behold he was absolutely fine, thriving even.
I think anxiety can be a way to gaslight mums into accepting situations which we know instinctively aren’t right.
If you feel something isn’t right with this school, don’t be afraid to move him. You can be anxious and also right.

The thing with settling is you can stay as long as you want, they will hang on to you. They won’t magically let go after five minutes and say I’m fine now (for most unsettled children). That’s why the advice is to drop and go. At my DC’s first (indie) prep school, parents were not allowed over the threshold in nursery and reception for this reason

Ok, well if you want to there are some things you can do.

you can email the teacher and ask for a meeting.

at the meeting (NOT at drop off pick up time) you could suggest some things that will help - could the TA help peel him off you?
could he be given a responsibility in class as soon as school starts (eg go get the register/count the water bottles/whatever).

you could also make them aware of difficult home circumstances whatever they are if you are happy to do that.

Please don’t overthink it, all normal. It’s going to seem very different to you as no handover but they will be in contact if there is a problem. Let him settle in for a while longer and be positive and cheery to him about it to him eg rather than “did you have a nice day” say “what fun things did you do today?” Positive energy!

I think you are expecting the sort of relationship you get at a nursery and that isn’t realistic for a school setting.
Just hand your child over to a teacher or TA and leave. You could always ring the school yourself later to see how he is but you are unrealistic to expect a teacher or TA to just leave class and ring round parents/post on an app about how the children have settled.

Sorry you are struggling.
Some good advice here which you are taking.
The other thing I'd really recommend is being very proactive about friendship opportunities and playdates. Is there a class whatsapp or can you set one up? Do you know any of the other mums or kids? Are there after school clubs he could join (they usually don't start til later in reception or Year 1).

It will be much easier when he looks forward to seeing his friends. It can be hard if most of the children & parents already know each other and so you need to learn in a bit and make sure he is getting the chance to build friendships.