Reception class behaviour

[MrsRobinsonAlphaCentauri]

Hi everyone would value some advice for a situation with my son in reception class. He bit another child last week. But please keep reading to the end of the post before your comment. I know biting is wrong, and we've written an apology card to the child in question.

But what I'd like advice on is that, my son has come very sad for the last two weeks and when I ask him about it, he always repeats the line 'Mummy, I'm not a baby' now he's an August baby and is really tiny, he's barely 100cm. He's told and I've observed at drop off and pick that the other children, do treat him like a baby some of them pick him and carry (and he really doesn't like) when I see these situations I always say to the other children. "I know you think he's cute, and he is little but please don't pick him up and I encourage him to do the same'

On the day of the biting (Friday) class teacher had to leave for an appointment but his TP told me that it occured at lunchtime (their playground has 180 kids in it), and the other child had picked my son up around the arms and carried him across the playground. My son says he told the other boy to put him down (not sure if this is true, he's still not the best communicator), and he said the boy wouldn't and 'I really not like it!') Sons words. I don't think the other child was being mean at all, and rather a bad mix of things on a loud and noisy playground, I also don't think its a supervision thing, 180 kids and it must be really hard to tell what's a game and what's an incident

So my question is when I speak to his teacher on Monday, do you think it's ok for me, to ask the teacher to have a wider conversation with the class, about not picking my son up and not hugging him without asking, and not calling him baby?

Sorry for the essay, but I thought all that context might help with the final question.

I think you need to speak to the teacher about children picking him up but you also need to speak to her about the biting. Does your child have any identified SEND? You seem you be quick to excuse his behaviour.

Yes of course talk to the teacher as this can hopefully be sorted quickly. Also I'd want to know exactly what triggered the biting so you could both make sure it didn't happen again.

The teacher should definitely stop the other children carrying him around and make sure other staff including mid day supervisors in the playground know about this. They probably assume it's a game and your son is OK with it. I would assume the biting was a response to being carried around against his will and nothing more unless there are further incidents. (Retired Reception Teacher)

Hi Sheryl thanks.

No, no please don't think I'm excusing his behaviour, absolutely not! Biting is wrong and he and I have a strong conversation about that. And school dealt with the biting on Friday, it happened at morning break and so son missed lunch and afternoon playtime, which I am completely behind!

But I do think there is a wider issue in that he hasn't gone up to the child and simply bitten him, it's not in response to taking a toy, or saying a mean thing. It's in response to feeling restrained and only having his head free to use when verbal (admittedly he may have bitten straight away, without asking to be put down) I wasn't there I don't know).

I want to be fair and reasonable, but I also think it's a good wider lesson that he shouldn't be in a situation where children carry him around the playground without his permission.

It sounds like he was very frustrated. I'd definitely talk to them about the carrying around game.

By all means speak to the teacher, and they can keep a closer eye on him at play times and even have a chat with the whole class. The chat will be very generic though, about how it's not safe to pick other people up and how many people don't like that anyway. The last thing you want to do is draw attention to your son. The teacher certainly won't do that by mentioning him by name to the whole class as that's not fair on him.

If you see any 'babying' behaviour towards your son again, refrain from using the word cute as that just reinforced his daintiness. I wouldn't even speak for him to be honest, as again it makes him appear helpless. He doesn't need mum to intervene. Address him with, "what could you say to your friends?". Allow him to put into practice the "stop, I don't like that" routine.

Unfortunately I have seen this sort of behaviour often towards tiny children in Reception. The other children really mean no malice, but it's a learning curve for all of them at this age. They need to learn to respect boundaries/wishes of other people. Your child needs to learn to stand up for himself in an appropriate manner (which it sounds like he was potentially trying to do, before the incident the other day). There will be bumps along the road before both sides understand what is acceptable and what is not. Hopefully by asking the teacher to have a focus on conflict resolution in class, all parties will be able to get there sooner. 🤞🏼

Yes I’d talk to them, the biting was wrong, but if this picking up is repeated behaviour, and if he had verbally protested he did it out of desperation to stop the carrying which he didn’t like. It’s also dangerous- my daughter was picked up by another child, dropped and almost fractured her foot, she screamed like I’ve never heard and her foot was a black and blue balloon for days. The teacher should tell the class not to carry him, he is their peer not a younger sibling (I assume some of them may have younger siblings they carry along and him being on the littler side makes them think they can do the same)

I would work with your child on their communication. Help them practise saying firmly 'stop it I don't like it.'

I have had children in my class who were small due to physical issues and the other children wanted to treat them like babies. There was no malice on their part, they thought they were being nice and the children concerned were happy with it at first. I was very firm in telling them the smaller child was not a baby and they shouldn't treat them that way. They soon got the idea.

A one off biting incident at age 4 is not an automatic indicator of SEN. It's an unacceptable, but age appropriate, reaction to anger/provocation etc. OP clearly states that they know it's not ok and appears to have addresses it appropriately (conversation with their son, apology letter etc). Odd biting incidents will occur among children at that age. That's not an excuse for the behaviour, it's just their immaturity. It's how it's dealt with that matters.

I don't see any evidence of 'excusing his behaviour' in that opening post. Just a frustrated parent who wants to help their son deal with an ongoing issue.

In reality, after the first term children are mocked for using these teacher-taught phrase.
Grown-ups need to spot and intervene at this age.
Not sure you are really putting yourself in this boy's shoes.

I think your approach is really sensible and balanced. My dd was similarly small. A general whole class chat about respecting each other and not using our hands on each other, not picking each other up etc is absolutely the first step here. The teacher probably won't make it a about your son personally as that could make him feel uncomfortable.

I think you have dealt with it in the right way. He has apologised so move on. Definitely ask the school to keep an eye to ensure no one else is picking him up. On the plus side, that particular child is unlikely to try again!

My ds1 was pinched and bitten in pre-school and reception. It's never nice, but does happen at that age.

I agree.

Sounds like your son bit because of frustration, so yes you should speak to them and get them to stop the other kids from picking him up

Forget the biting. As you say - school dealt with it. Over and done with.

Do raise an issue with the teacher saying your son is unhappy about being picked up all the time and could you ask them to monitor this over the next week or so and help him voice his dislike for this.
Email teacher direct or email office asking them to pass it on with your phone number.
Do not mention the biting etc

@BoleynMemories13

I didn't say it was an automatic indicator of SEND. However it might be. Why not have the conversation now. The earlier the better in my experience.

Also, you don't think mentioning the amount of children in the playground is an example of excusing the behaviour? That's your opinion.

@u3ername

Children are not mocked for asking other to children to stop. It's what I teach my KS1 children every year and it's very effective when it's a policy understood by every child and every staff member.

Expecting teachers to stop every incident is very naive. How can I stop an incident when I'm tying shoes or doing up coats?

I’d talk to the teacher and ask them to have a generic chat. You don’t want to draw attention to your son specifically but a general chat about personal space and no picking up would be good. Also work with your son and make sure he knows that he should say ‘stop it I don’t like that’ and that he can use a loud voice to try to get the attention of a teacher. The bite was clearly a frustration thing as he either wasn’t being listened to, or was struggling to communicate that he didn’t like it. It’s not uncommon behaviour for early years kids. He’s apologised so no need to dwell on it further.

I think it’s quite common behaviour - my DD was small and like a little doll in reception and used to get carried around all the time, but she liked it! Now she’s in y6 and head and shoulders taller than a lot of her friends and she still gets wistful about how they used to be able to pick her up! But of course it’s fine to ask the teacher to try and stop this if they see it.

The school will find it much easier to deal with biting if they know why than seemingly random. Definitely explain your son's point of view - they were doing something I didn't like, they wouldn't stop when asked. Whilst the biting is serious and needs to be addressed, the teacher can also speak to other children about how they treat each other i.e. listening to each other, not picking each other up. They might also be able to give him a small responsibility e.g. handing out whiteboards that day to help him and the others see him as 'big'.

No I don't see that as an excuse at all, it's simply painting a picture. If anything, OP is showing understanding of how it happened (as so many on here are so quick to jump on the "the children should be better supervised at playtimes, then these things wouldn't happen" bandwagon). I simply saw that as OP having an understanding of what playtimes at primary school can be like. It's not that they're not supervised, but you may have one member of staff wiping a cut knee, another solving a dispute between 2 children, another consoling a child who is sobbing that they miss their mum and another leading a skipping game (for example). These things can escalate so quickly, through nobody's fault.

No need to even consider SEN over one bite, unless OP has other concerns. Personally, I think that's a massive over reaction as it suggests that a one off bite isn't an age appropriate reaction. It most definitely is. It's not ideal, but the behaviour has been addressed. Many children of that age will try it at some point. It's a huge leap to question whether he may have SEN based on that alone.

Thanks everyone, really helpful.

I mentioned the number of children in the playground, not to excuse my son.

But rather to say that I understand I a playground of 180 children, adults have an almost impossible job of keeping an eye on everything. And that as I've seen in many posts of mums net, a response is often where is the lunchtime supervision.

So I only wanted to say that I understand that playground supervision is a difficult thankless task!

I dealt with a similar situation recently in that my youngest is quite small and when he started school the older kids wouldn't leave him alone and we're carrying him against his will. He was telling them to put him down and they wouldn't plus carrying him away from his friends so he was missing out of making friendships with kids his own age. He didn't bite but did get quite frustrated as this went on for months. I actually spoke to staff 3 times about it and eventually escalated it to the assistant head teacher to put a stop on it.

My son didn't like it and the other children need to learn that they cannot pick up another child against their will and carry them around like a baby. It's basic consent that needs taught to kids. Although I don't condone your son biting it's a totally understandable reaction to being picked up against his will and his instinct is to get away. Personally I think you need to go into the school and speak to them and explain you understand that yours sons biting isn't acceptable behaviour and have spoken to him about it but that these children need to be stopped from picking up your son because he doesn't like it and it's upsetting him.

I thought the number of kids in the playground is relevant because a busy playground is why a teacher didn’t see the kid picking him up and him protesting, i.e. there wasn’t the opportunity for them to intervene before OP’s DS got so frustrated he bit. Paints a picture of how the incident occurred and stops any responses along the lines of ‘why wasn’t the teacher supervising’ that wouldn’t be helpful. OP isn’t minimising at all. She clearly knows it’s wrong. Her DC knows it’s wrong. He’s written an apology card. The other kids shouldn’t be picking him up when he doesn’t like it so a chat with the teacher about that is definitely warranted.

Unless there are other concerns, and I’d assume not since OP doesn’t mention any, it’s ridiculous to jump to SEN after a single incident. Yes it’s not nice behaviour but it isn’t abnormal for a 4YO and it’s not like he wasn’t provoked.