Reception class behaviour

[MrsRobinsonAlphaCentauri]

Hi everyone would value some advice for a situation with my son in reception class. He bit another child last week. But please keep reading to the end of the post before your comment. I know biting is wrong, and we've written an apology card to the child in question.

But what I'd like advice on is that, my son has come very sad for the last two weeks and when I ask him about it, he always repeats the line 'Mummy, I'm not a baby' now he's an August baby and is really tiny, he's barely 100cm. He's told and I've observed at drop off and pick that the other children, do treat him like a baby some of them pick him and carry (and he really doesn't like) when I see these situations I always say to the other children. "I know you think he's cute, and he is little but please don't pick him up and I encourage him to do the same'

On the day of the biting (Friday) class teacher had to leave for an appointment but his TP told me that it occured at lunchtime (their playground has 180 kids in it), and the other child had picked my son up around the arms and carried him across the playground. My son says he told the other boy to put him down (not sure if this is true, he's still not the best communicator), and he said the boy wouldn't and 'I really not like it!') Sons words. I don't think the other child was being mean at all, and rather a bad mix of things on a loud and noisy playground, I also don't think its a supervision thing, 180 kids and it must be really hard to tell what's a game and what's an incident

So my question is when I speak to his teacher on Monday, do you think it's ok for me, to ask the teacher to have a wider conversation with the class, about not picking my son up and not hugging him without asking, and not calling him baby?

Sorry for the essay, but I thought all that context might help with the final question.

Ask the teacher to speak to the class they should not be carrying him. We had the same issue with my dd and school managed it.

How do you propose we teach children to stand up for themselves appropriately, if not to state their wishes/feelings? I've never once witnessed a child being mocked for doing so and I've worked in education for a long time. If it did happen, it would pass into the bullying category to be honest and would need to be treated very seriously. Kids are kids and will often do things that hurt, annoy or upset another child. The minute they choose to carry on, despite being made aware that their actions are not ok or appreciated, that crosses a boundary.

Teachers are there to teach, not to step in to dissolve every minor dispute. The sooner children are given the tools to solve problems themselves, the better for everyone (but most importantly the child). Nine times out of ten, a simple "stop, I don't like that" works to stop a potential issue from becoming a big problem, in my experience

I’m a reception teacher and I’d definitely want to know about this! It could be that it doesn’t happen in the classroom and only out in the playground so they’ve not noticed or it could look like a game they’re playing so a teacher doesn’t realise she needs to intervene. I do ask my class not to pick each other up but they often play babies with one of them being the baby! It’s definitely good to know context though as it does sound like a genuine reaction to feeling helpless.

Realistically if he's being carried with his arms restrained in so he can't push, and being told to let go isn't working then biting is probably the better option than kicking which would result in them both falling over.
It needs a very firm conversation with the children picking him up, that's completely inappropriate if he's not enjoying it, and probably making him quite anxious waiting for it to happen as its not a one off.

Another reason I mentioned the playground is precisely that I don't expect teachers/lunchtime supervisors to stop and deal with every incident.

That why I wonder if a conversation with the class, might be a step towards preventative measures.

I'm not trying to excuse my son's behaviour he can be an absolute bandit at times, and when it's needed I'm very firm and strict with him, but my parental intuition tells me that on this occasion there is more going on.

And I'd like to say that sometimes in situations like this is can feel as thought the message from some is.

Your child has bitten and therefore there is no room to question why, or if anything else was going on，and I don't believe that's fair. I also don't believe for moment that there is any malice on the part of the children picking him up. I get it he's small he looks like a doll

In reality, after the first term children are mocked for using these teacher-taught phrase.
Grown-ups need to spot and intervene at this age.
Not sure you are really putting yourself in this boy's shoes.

@u3ername no they're not! Our entire school are told to put their hand up and say STOP to anything that a child is doing to them against their wishes. They are then encouraged to tell an adult if the negative behaviour doesn't stop. Nobody mocks them!!!

TA here. We have this from time to time. Smaller children being treated like dolls - picked up and generally passed around like toys. It needs sorting out by staff and monitored at breaks and lunch. No one should be picking anyone up.

Biting Isn’t great but I can understand how your DS was provoked. He must have been so frustrated in that moment. Best of luck speaking to school tomorrow.

Of course staff should be able to spot ongoing issues. The picking up and carrying was not a one off incident.

What is naive is teachers thinking parroting 'stop it, I don't like it' works every time or that a four year old can communicate it effectively at the right time.

Children at that age need to be adequately supervised, and they need to be taught to accept differences, and to not pick on somebody/ 'baby' them because of their size.

Op is already doing everything she can from her side.

Poor teachers already preoccupied with tying shoe laces... That doesn't sound like an excuse at all.

School has a duty of care to watch out and make sure no one carries him. It’s not hard to see on the playground (even if he’s ok with it, it should not be allowed!). All children should be told ‘no carrying’. Tbh I’d probably bite someone if I was being carried against my will and couldn’t get away. (I’m a teacher fyi).

A short, loud 'Stop' and hand up sounds better, but 'Stop it, I don't like it!' often comes out In a helpless ('whingey') voice, (because the child feels helpless), and if they are already being picked on they are often mocked for that on top too.

Op's child had tried to tell them to stop and that he really doesn't like it. He couldn't face them with a hand up as he was being restrained.

They are small children - they need supervision and guidance as and when incidents happen.

I'm an eyfs teacher and totally with you, biting when someone is holding you is very different to approaching a child and biting them.

Yes I'd speak to her and say what you've said here.

*A short, loud 'Stop' and hand up sounds better, but 'Stop it, I don't like it!' often comes out In a helpless ('whingey') voice, (because the child feels helpless), and if they are already being picked on they are often mocked for that on top too.

Op's child had tried to tell them to stop and that he really doesn't like it. He couldn't face them with a hand up as he was being restrained.

They are small children - they need supervision and guidance as and when incidents happen.*

I wasn't saying the OP's son should have put is hand up, I was saying what is taught at my school. He possibly could have put his hand up at the beginning of the negative behaviour. Who knows? We weren't there.

Oh and I know children need supervision and guidance - I've worked with children for over 30 years!!!! 😁

Rest assured, if it's noticed that a child is being picked up they will be told to put him down in any school setting.

Going to be honest here. I can't see that the OP's child has done anything that much wrong by biting a bigger child who was physically restraining them against their will. It's totally different from going up and biting another child unprovoked. The OP's DS has a right to have his physical boundaries respected and to take reasonable action to defend himself when they are not. Of course, kids are not the best judge of what is "reasonable" or not, and of course to us as adults it might seem that biting is never reasonable, but we're not looking at from the perspective of a potentially frightened, overwhelmed and annoyed young child having to put up with physically intrusive behaviour and quite frankly dangerous behaviour from bigger children. The school need to be intervening much more quickly.

But it may need to be wider conversation than in his class if the playground is mixed ages. Dd was similar and got adopted by girls a year or two older. They usually played nicely but she was a live doll to them. Once they moved up the school it calmed down but her peers then started on her and I had to intervene.

I not surprised he ended up resorting to biting if children continually pick him up and carry him around against his will and don't listen to him saying he doesn't want it. No child should be carrying another child at school, it's never been allowed in any primary school I've worked in.

The lunch supervisors should be telling the kids to put him down and having lots of kids to watch isn't an excuse - if they can't watch the kids because therer are too many then they need more supervisors. Is it his own class picking him up or is it older kids?

Definitely speak to the teacher about the issue of him being picked up and carried around against his will, it's really not acceptable at all. The biting has only happened because staff are not doing their job IMO, this should never have been allowed to become a thing.

@rainbowstardrops
I'm not disagreeing with anything you said. I'm just clarifying the point I made earlier, (which you quoted and said is wrong.)

Yes, talk to them about the picking up. I had this done to me for years at primary school and it was infuriating, especially as I couldn't do anything about it. If you can get it stopped, it would really help your son. Older children also used to pretend I was a doll 😣

My daughter is the same size as your son and is one of the smallest but she doesn't seem to attract this behaviour and there are at least 3 boys in her class who are the same size if not smaller. This definitely doesn't go on at our school so don't let them normalise it as 'just playing'.

Op it seems obvious why he bit - he was being picked up and carried against his will and he isn't big enough to fight back any other way. So he did what anyone would do and got himself free. Now ok they think it's funny so biting seems extreme but he's reacting because it feels unsafe / scary / against his will.

So he's been punished by school, I wouldn't be giving the other kid a sorry letter.

Tell him to SCREAM every time sometime picks him up or does something he doesn't like. He can't bite because we don't bite but he's allowed to scream so it's clear he wants to be let go of and if that doesn't work, kick his legs.

Thanks everyone.

I agree that this behaviour is very much a response to circumstances than a behavioural choice.

But I think a card is still a good idea, as he did hurt the other kid even through it wasn't intentional. I haven't punished further at home as I think punishment at school， means a conversation at home and the process of writing the card is enough.

I think I will talk to his class teacher about the carrying/picking up/unwanted hugging. They are the children in his class, and again I know there is no malice and the younger siblings point is a helpful one!

Thank you all, you helped me feel better about fighting my son's corner in this.

This happened to me when I was at school. I was even smaller than your son. I remember screaming my head off when other children picked me up. It hurt and I hated it. The dinner ladies would occasionally ask the the child to put me down but were just ignored. You are definitely doing the right thing by speaking to school about it. Surely there should just be a blanket ban on picking up another child.

Yes, you definitely need to talk to the teacher about this. Biting is wrong but under the circumstances I can see why he bit the other child. He was frustrated at being picked up, couldn't get away from the other child, felt trapped, possibly did ask them to stop first and was ignored and then in order to escape the situation he bit the child.
I remember biting another child at school when I was about 7 or 8. I was teased and bullied a lot as a kid and one day a girl was holding my arms above my head and another girl holding me around my waist. They were shouting at me and calling me names. I was scared and just wanted to get away so I bit the girl on the arm. And then all hell broke loose and I got completely and utterly bollocked by the teacher (yeah, I shouldn't have bitten the girl so fair enough) but what hurt at the time and still hurts is that no one asked why I had bitten her. I was made out to be a bad child. No one cared that girls were bullying me like that. No one called them out on that behaviour either.
I have never bitten anyone since.

It's not ok for children to be picking up your child and treating him like a baby when he doesn't want that, so this needs to be addressed as well as the biting.

Hi everyone,

Just wanted to let you know the ending of the issue. Spoke to class teacher today and she was exemplary.

She said that she has noticed this behaviour on and off for a few weeks and has already had a few general chats about it with the whole class.

But this afternoon, she sent them out to forest school in two smaller groups (sent my son with both groups) and had a really direct chat with the rest of the class about not picking up/carrying son at all. And to always ask his permission before they hug him.

She also suggested that he go to their nuture room for the rest of this week to help him be less anxious about the playground. And then to reflect at the start of next weekend what to do.

I'm actually really impressed, especially that this was already on the radar and has been addressed without me have to say something!

Thank you all again for your advice!

I'm glad. I'm pastoral lead in a school and was going to suggest wording it as "my ds behaviour absolutely wasn't acceptable but if we are wanting him to change it then we need the others to stop the trigger".

Agree, it sounds like perhaps your child isn’t able to vocalise he’s needs adequately and is putting his frustration and anger into biting. Think about the children at the receiving end of that. You are only looking at with one lens.