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Original poster

Disagreement with teacher, what should I do next?

101 replies

Mama81 · 27/01/2025 22:23

Hi mumsnet,
My youngest is age 7, in year 3. He is academically bright. We have never had behaviour issues, either at home, clubs or previous school years. In his current class we are constantly being phoned/called in because my son doesnt listen/ignores teacher/will not co operate. This went on from September until Christmas.
As parents we work full time but we took him out of breakfast club and after school club to see if this helped (it did not)
Over the last 2 weeks things have got worse- he has hit another child (my son said this child pushed him) 'laughs' at the teacher when asked to do something, has spent 2 whole afternoons in the head teachers office and has not been allowed to play football.
I suspect he is copying other children's behaviours, but I'm obviously not in the class room, so I'm never going to know for certain.
We have both had many discussions with the teacher but are not getting anywhere, in fact it's getting worse. The teacher is insisting there are no triggers, patterns or copying other children.
What should I do next?

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Nevertoocoldforicecream · 28/01/2025 06:17

It's often to do with wanting attention, whether positive or negative. He is testing the boundaries at the moment. He needs to understand that you support the clear boundaries and rules at school. You need to stop making excuses for him and, possibly, start making more time to actually just spend with him and talk with him. Positive attention usually helps reduce the behaviour that leads to negative attention.

modernshmodern · 28/01/2025 06:58

I find what sort of year my son has is very dependent upon the teacher. (Ds has asd) He has so far in his school career had three years where he has struggled, one year where he maintained and three years where he has absolutely thrived. (All same school)

It is very much dependent upon the teacher and their ability/style.

I'd be digging deeper into what's happening before the behaviours and trying to find solutions for managing him better rather than focusing on punishment.

Botanybaby · 31/01/2025 13:53

I honestly wouldn't jump to my perfect child is copying poor behaviour from others and be looking closer to home and seeing if there's something going on

Is he witnessing arguments or things that he should not see
You say he's youngest so how old are siblings
Are there any adults in the house that could be abusing him and he's acting out due to this

Is he not as bright as you think and struggling
Is he brighter than you think and bored

Lickityspit · 31/01/2025 14:04

Sorry im going against the grain here but when my normally quiet and placid son started playing up at the same age I was tearing my hair out. The classroom assistant then approached me to say the teacher had taken a real dislike to my son and was picking on him. She was prepared to speak out. Turns out she was correct and she went on extended leave for personal reasons. Just another opinion.

Swiftie1878 · 31/01/2025 14:12

Mama81 · 27/01/2025 22:23

Hi mumsnet,
My youngest is age 7, in year 3. He is academically bright. We have never had behaviour issues, either at home, clubs or previous school years. In his current class we are constantly being phoned/called in because my son doesnt listen/ignores teacher/will not co operate. This went on from September until Christmas.
As parents we work full time but we took him out of breakfast club and after school club to see if this helped (it did not)
Over the last 2 weeks things have got worse- he has hit another child (my son said this child pushed him) 'laughs' at the teacher when asked to do something, has spent 2 whole afternoons in the head teachers office and has not been allowed to play football.
I suspect he is copying other children's behaviours, but I'm obviously not in the class room, so I'm never going to know for certain.
We have both had many discussions with the teacher but are not getting anywhere, in fact it's getting worse. The teacher is insisting there are no triggers, patterns or copying other children.
What should I do next?

Before the ‘what do we do next?’, what have you done so far other than remove him from wraparound care?!
What is your disagreement with the teacher? Do you think they are lying?

Mummasals · 31/01/2025 14:13

I’ve just read your comment about him being a summer baby so not wanting to seem pushy when suggesting he might be under challenged. My daughter is a mid-August baby and is in the higher groups for most subjects and is just very academic. It might even be that he is under challenged in certain areas (perhaps sports or physical activity) which means he expresses himself as he does.

we have a child in my daughters class who sounds very similar to your son and his parents take him a fairly long route to school so he burns off a bit of energy - is this possible?

RudbekiasAreSun · 31/01/2025 14:17

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3luckystars · 31/01/2025 14:21

What is the disagreement about?

He is trying to communicate something and it’s up to you and the school to find out what the problem is. Is he being bullied? Is he sleeping ok?
Something is up and it’s good that the school are communicating with you but you all need to find out what’s wrong together. Good luck.

SJM1988 · 31/01/2025 14:22

I'm also in a similar position - DS7 in year 2.
Behaviour at home and all other settings is fine. No issues
School however is another story. He is disrespectful to the teacher and we had a period of hitting out between Nov and now which appears to have stopped (since the start of Jan)
The hitting out we eventually got worked out to retaliation. Others would push or stay something mean to my DS and he would push back. After firstly walking away from the situation and telling a teacher. After we spoke to the school, there appeared to be more response from teachers when my DS told them the other children were following after he walked away. And they were more aware that if my DS felt the teacher did nothing, he would end it himself. Not right I know but that is what he was being shown through no action from the teacher.
We still have a bit of disrespect to the teacher (one instance yesterday) All I can do is reiterate that we are not rude and listen in class.
They have a hormone surge between 7-8 years old. They need to learn to control their emotions and sometimes it comes out in different ways. I think this is contributing to lashing out at least.
I also suspect the rudeness is to get a rise out of the teacher and a laugh from the class (as it goes hand in hand with messing around or making silly noises). He likes to be liked.

IncaDove · 31/01/2025 14:25

Unfortunately, in my experience of working in schools, it is often the children of parents who think they can do no wrong who are the worse behaved. Especially the children of parents who insist their child cannot be poorly behaved because they are so "bright"

By not being willing to take onboard the teachers comments, you are doing exactly the same thing as your son and are therefore reinforcing this behaviour. The only way forward is to work with the school.

CosyLemur · 31/01/2025 14:26

Honestly I feel like you're the problem because you're automatically blaming others - not your Son.
He didn't want to be in before or after school club - he misbehaved and got his own way, now you've taught him to get what he wants ie attention he has to misbehave and disrupt everyone else's learning!

Ponderingwindow · 31/01/2025 14:30

I wouldn’t assume he is copying other children.

i would start talking to your son about his school day and try to figure out why he isn’t happy at school anymore. Something is wrong. I’m not blaming the school or him, just saying that there is a mismatch in some way. If you figure out the why you will be able to address the real issue.

for our bright child, this was the age she stopped being able to mask and we ended up with an ASD diagnosis. Nothing here indicates that for your child. It’s just that this is an age where behaviors can change and you have to get to the bottom of things.

Rhinohides · 31/01/2025 14:46

To me it sounds as though the more your child is being away from his family, the worse his behaviour.
Nort sure I would be coming down hard on him at this point. Check he feels safe in school, both with all the adults and the other children.
check his understanding of acceptable behaviour and why he is not behaving in an acceptable manner
Reassure him you are asking these questions to help him use his gifts in the best way possible
As a former teacher, admittedly a notoriously soft one who mercifully did not encounter challenging behaviour I could not manage, I am not convinced he has any issues with his teacher as he clearly feels safe to challenge her.

Bunnycat101 · 31/01/2025 14:46

Thing is though- that behaviour is pretty terrible so you need to get to the bottom of things and really think honestly about whether there have been signs previously as it’s quite dramatic to go from great behaviour to what you’ve described

  • My son doesnt listen/ignores teacher/will not co operate.

Is there any chance of additional needs? This behaviour could range from adhd, to being bored to just being a pain in the arse.

  • He has hit another child

This could be a one-off and could be true that the child was winding him up but you need to understand more about the incident.

  • he 'laughs' at the teacher when asked to do something.

Seems very rude. Even if he hates the teacher or is struggling, he needs to not be so blatantly disrespectful.

Oodlesandoodlesofnoodles · 31/01/2025 14:50

It could be a personality clash and that this child just really isn’t clicking with the teacher. But the way you jump to thinking he is copying other children suggests you are not really seeing the reality of the situation or taking it seriously.

I’ve heard parents sit in a meeting and say, “He’s all right at home, he’s lovely at scouts,” when the child ends up at a behaviour unit.

Voneska · 31/01/2025 14:56

I really feel sorry for kids today..' Breakfast club' ..After school club' ...I had a dream childhood. Mother worked from home as a Bespoke Seamstress by appointment to The Royal Family and Dad worked in Transport /Management. We roamed the streets between school terms and went on plenty family holidays. Kids nowadays never see their parents it looks like.

Emmz1510 · 31/01/2025 15:05

Brightredtulips · 27/01/2025 22:43

He wants to be at home. I would stop after school club and allow him to relax

Easy enough to say, but the parents are working!

Cocothecoconut · 31/01/2025 15:07

@Slait
i would disagree that behaviour is not ‘copied’
i see children in ks1 watching classmates
buggering about, disrespect adults, get time out of class for sensory time or forest school to just give the teachers a break and then they also bugger about etc because they also want sensory aka no work time
copied behaviour also gets ‘rewards’

IncaDove · 31/01/2025 15:11

Voneska · 31/01/2025 14:56

I really feel sorry for kids today..' Breakfast club' ..After school club' ...I had a dream childhood. Mother worked from home as a Bespoke Seamstress by appointment to The Royal Family and Dad worked in Transport /Management. We roamed the streets between school terms and went on plenty family holidays. Kids nowadays never see their parents it looks like.

Meanwhile in the 21st century…

Emmz1510 · 31/01/2025 15:12

Voneska · 31/01/2025 14:56

I really feel sorry for kids today..' Breakfast club' ..After school club' ...I had a dream childhood. Mother worked from home as a Bespoke Seamstress by appointment to The Royal Family and Dad worked in Transport /Management. We roamed the streets between school terms and went on plenty family holidays. Kids nowadays never see their parents it looks like.

Good for you. Not everyone has the luxury of being able to work from home. And those who do are actually ‘working’ , or they should be. That’s a very cosy fantasy land you are living in.

PocketSand · 31/01/2025 15:12

Your son has just moved up to KS2. This is a transition point and causes problems with social behaviour as opposed to academic achievement as the expectations are greater.

All the feedback from the school relates to social behaviour appropriately relating to peers and adults in positions of authority.

It is too easy to blame others (copying) or to assume learning is too easy or too hard and boredom explains behaviour when you are not in the classroom.

Sending a child of his age to the headteachers office for 2 whole afternoons is about as serious as it gets before exclusion. You need to be asking if this was meant to change behaviour and why it was repeated if it didn't work the first time.

This has been going on for months and getting worse. Is SENCO involved? I would want a meeting with the school where you don't put forward your own (defensive) theories but try to understand their thinking - what do they think is going on - and plan next steps. Teachers can be allies, especially where DC are disruptive.

There may well be triggers that are being missed and your DC may need support right now to regulate his behaviour and appropriately engage with learning in a classroom. Best for all concerned.

Barleysugar86 · 31/01/2025 15:13

I agree with the hormone surges. My son has always been very behaved but we have definitely seen another side at at times the last year. He seems to let it out at home rather than school but every kid is different.

MrsSunshine2b · 31/01/2025 15:15

So your son has hit another child and repeatedly disrespected his teacher and you have decided the fault lies with other children and the teacher. Your son is misbehaving because he knows you won't hold him accountable for his actions.

6yomum · 31/01/2025 15:18

I’m sorry you’re getting so many negative responses here. If it helps, we were in a similar situation. Behaviour at home, after school club, football, etc all fine, but not in the classroom. It turned out our DS (also a summer born) was being bullied and was feeling frustrated so striking out in response. An older child who was bigger was being aggressive with him during outdoor play, no one bothered to ask him until we noticed he came home with holes in his trousers. He was afraid of the older child and didn’t feel safe notifying the teacher.

so it may be that he is copying the behaviour of other children, or at least acting out because of disproportionate treatment and not being listened to by adults.

schoolstruggle · 31/01/2025 15:18

Having spent quite a few years now immersed in SEN here are a few suggestions to explore:

As mentioned above hearing and sight check

The change of KS can be a trigger for previously undetected struggles coming to the surface. Even my well behaved son struggled Y3 and then it all settled again. And Y3 was where my daughter stopped being able to attend school.

Boys have a testosterone surge around this age. it’s a hormonal stage called adrenarche. There is a study somewhere on it I think.

This is also a common point that dyslexia becomes an issue. It’s worth looking at a checklist for this.

If you have the funds you could get an educational psychologist to do an assessment. They should be able to pick up anything that your son is struggling with and will also assess intelligence in case he’s not being challenged enough.

good luck!