Does my son’s teacher hate him?

[AnxiousTeacup]

Ok slightly dramatic title but actually at the heart of what I’m feeling. I’m not sure if this is me being over worried or whether I should say something and if so, what?

Apologies it’s long because I’m trying to paint the whole picture, honestly as I can considering both sides, and not drip feed.

My son is 4 (turns 5 in March), started reception in September. I really like the school as a whole but get the vibe that the class teacher really doesn’t like my son, and that impacts how he is treated.
We’ve fully supported everything the school has asked of us, reading journals, and observations home work etc the lot!

My son was happy confident curious and bright in nursery we had no concerns about development or behaviour prior to him starting. His start was a bit rocky he struggled with the transition. A few weeks in, there was a report that he was ‘defiant’ (teachers word) and pushy with the other children. I was mortified we never had behaviour concerns before. And we fully supported the school reinforced making good choices being a good friend, read stories to help and talked about emotions and what we can do if we are overwhelmed etc.
I asked class teacher for support was so worried about it, I think it indicates he is struggling. She was very dismissive when I said he didn’t experience it before.

As I was so worried I talked informally to the other reception teacher (head of early years) she believed me when I said it was out of character, she was the one who visited him at nursery and she outright said she was surprised at his behaviour and believed me when I said he hadn’t had these issues before. She said she would put in place support. She also said a number of the boys in the class were experiencing the same and he was trying to fit in.
Around this time he told me, ‘Mrs X doesn’t like me, and thinks I’m bad’.
I reassured him best I could.

Since then I have seen a few examples which reinforce this anxious feeling I have about it. These are small examples but I just can’t shake this anxiety and whether it’s just me or whether this is my instinct.

• On the walk to school one day DS collected a few really big leaves and was excited to show the teacher. He ran in excitedly and said ‘look look look’, teacher had a few other children around her at the time and put her hand up in my sons face and said angrily ‘X I am talking!’ I wouldn’t condone him interrupting and would encourage him to wait his turn, but it was the tone of it, it was heartbreaking to see the look on his face and how he went into the class looking so sad after that.
• There have been some parent stay and play / craft sessions. I’ve seen the teacher do the rounds and make nice conversation with all the children, apart from mine. Saying things like oh that’s nice thing you’ve made etc… at the most recent one, he touched the interactive whiteboard which was playing music (they often use it during free play time) I’d gone over to redirect him and explain why he can’t touch it right now. She came over put the music back on, called over to someone else across the room saying ‘I’ll be right there, I need to put the music back on first’ and GLARED at my son.
• At the nativity this week I was proud of my son, he sang along beautifully doing the actions etc. half way through though he started to look overwhelmed, he took the costume off, but carried on singing etc at this point he was getting fidgety and leaning on the bar of the stage. I could see her telling him off. As soon as the show was over parents were directed to leave and we’d see the children for pick up outside. He burst into tears and I could see her still telling him off and not attempting to comfort him.

I am fully aware my son is no angel, no child is. His behaviour has mostly settled down with the odd report every so weeks. Teacher says he struggles to sit still. All teachers are saying there is a lot of boisterous behaviour from all the boys and I think my son is joining in. I’ve witnessed him being on the receiving end of unkind and unprovoked behaviour too. Always encouraged him to tell someone if something happens. But generally feel he likely gets overwhelmed.
He is not always good at following instructions and listening, he has his moments like most 4 year olds! Eg messing about a bit during his swimming lesson. But at school he is making solid progress with phonics and maths etc

Tonight he said again, teacher doesn’t like him as she’s always shouting at him, so he is getting this vibe from her. He is a sensitive caring empathetic sole, and takes everything to heart. I worry that he will feel negatively labelled by the teacher right at the start of his school career and this will because a negative self fulfilling prophecy.

I don’t know if it’s just me being anxious with all this or whether it’s because my mother instinct is kicking in.

What should I do? If anything? Is it just me and I need to get over this feeling?
I do appreciate my son is just one in a class of 30 and I don’t want to be a pain or ‘that’ parent!

(name changed for this post)

Our school will make class moves within the first half term if it’s not a good fit, could you ask for that? Because it’s not ok for your son to feel the teacher doesn’t like him or for her to be shouting at him. It happens, teachers aren’t infallible (although it’s obviously unacceptable). Back your son on this.

Can you request a class change?

It is very very unlikely that she hates him.

(Ex teacher here)

You say he had a rocky start and mention a group of boisterous boys. It's likely that she is having to reinforce boundaries regularly- don't touch the whiteboard, we stay in our place during carpet time etc.

It's very easy for small children to see that as "my teacher hates me". She doesn't.

The transition to school is easy for some children, for others it is not. It's her job to teach phonics and maths but also get the children socialised so they can take direction and begin to extend their concentration and learn skills like getting changed for PE and walking sensibly down the school corridors.

If in the middle of the nativity your child chose to take his costume off and got fidgety then the teacher was probably extremely worried about what he might do next. This is pretty unusual behaviour.

It does sound a bit like he struggles to pick up on social cues as to what is acceptable and what is not.

Doesn’t sound good. Can you get a meeting with her. Explain directly your child feels she dislikes him. You are concerned - not blaming her but explaining.

Thank you for this, I was thinking it’s all in my head.

I can ask but I get the feeling it’s not really possible to switch. Both classes are full.
Son was worried initially as most of his friends from nursery are in the other class. When I mentioned this when he was struggling at the beginning, the teacher said the classes mix lots and he will make friends in his class too.
which he has, and he mostly says he likes school.

I’ve not seen her actually shout at him, but I have seen the harsh/angry tone. So I don’t know if this is my son’s impression of it.

You’ll probably need to request a meeting and have a chat about it with the teacher. I’d focus on how he feels. If she’s dismissive again, or defensive, I’d escalate and request a meeting with the head.

Thank you this is a good perspective too and exactly why I have not expressed anything like this until now I’ve dismissed it for all the reasons you say.

In the nativity, he did still have clothes on to clarify wasn’t naked. Lol there were several children who cried and refused to participate, I saw some hide, so aside from taking him costume off, which had come undone at the back so was hanging off and he later said he was hot, he did carry on and ‘perform’ doing the right thing at the right time. But he looked emotional, and then was upset at the end.

I just don’t know what to do about it, if anything? Maybe nothing except doing what we are doing, reassuring him and also reiterating school rules etc.

it is strange he struggles with school rules in particular when he doesn’t elsewhere and has no issues with socialising otherwise.
yesterday he called across to our neighbour to tell him he loved their Christmas lights and merry Christmas! I feel like it was an example of him of his own volition expressing social norms and niceties. But then struggles maybe with the structure of school?

I taught for 30 years in early primary and never hated a child, though some were very challenging! It's really very unlikely that she dislikes him. If there are a lot of boisterous boys she will be doing her best to ensure that behaviour doesn't get out of control and she may have to be quite firm with them to achieve that. I would ask for a meeting so that you can speak to her about how he is feeling so she can reassure him. Have to say though that I never had a child taking off their whole costume during a performance!

Thank you, perhaps I will do this in the new term.
Probably best not to do this next week in last week of term!

Thank you,
it is reassuring, I did think she probably didn’t ‘hate’ him, but that’s how he is expressing it and she does seem short/sharp with him.

I do get it if he has been labelled as a challenging one.

re the costume, he was a star he had a star costume over clothes, the Velcro at the back was coming undone and it was hanging off, he pulled it off and carried on performing he also later said he was hot.
some children refused to perform or refused to wear a costume, so I didn’t read too much into it 🙈

Well. My son is now in his 30s. When he was around 6 or 7, he started having bad feelings about going to school. I found out through gentle questioning it was because of his teacher. She was near retirement. My son was having sore stomachs due to anxiety because of her. Once I realised, a friend kept son in playground and I sort of ambushed teacher saying I needed a wee word. I said, my son is anxious coming to school. She said, why. I said, because of you. And I continued ... How do you want to resolve this, and I looked at her right in the eye. She said, oh I didn't know. I said, well you do now and how are you going to sort it. My son never "liked" her but they came to an accommodation. He never felt anxious going to school again. He has a brilliant job and life now. Moral of the story - call the teacher out but do it firmly and politely

Terrible advice and terrible attitude

Not sure what you mean but fine. My other child is a teacher and I am mainly for teachers but not my son's who was not a good teacher to him in 1990s

Regardless of what happens with the teacher, please never tell your son she didn't like him (whether or not you can ever be sure). I knew someone who told her son about how his reception teacher had taken a dislike to him, and even though her tone was 'wasn't that teacher mean', it became a part of that boy's identity, that his teacher hadn't liked him aged 4, and I think really knocked his confidence.

I think I could maybe have a polite conversation with the teacher, without ‘calling her out’

I’m not about blaming her, but maybe discussing the impact and my worries for my son??

Thank you, this is a really good point.
I'm pleased you said this because my response has been so far ‘I’m sure she doesn’t etc’ and I’m sure she didn’t shout but needed to remind you what to do etc

But I did then wonder if this was invalidating his feelings, so felt a bit torn as to what I was doing for the best.

Yes, polite conversation but worries. That's what I did. It worked

I could see her telling him off. As soon as the show was over parents were directed to leave and we’d see the children for pick up outside. He burst into tears and I could see her still telling him off

How do you know she was 'telling him off'? Unless you were lipreading, you don't know what she was saying.

Fair point, I don’t know for sure I couldn’t lip read or hear. And perhaps this is my own sensitivity and anxiety it was already feeding into.
I’ve wrestled with this all term, ie is it just me?!

She was next to him and it was the gestures which made me assume it was a telling off.
I don’t know for sure though.

I’ve never known a teacher show their dislike of a child - and some kids are really really challenging. Your son is probably somewhat annoying as reading between the lines of what you’ve written he doesn’t follow instruction well and isn’t very biddable. I would tell her what you’ve said here, that he feels she doesn’t like him. It’s probably that she has been firm and put firm boundaries in place and he doesn’t like it. Be really honest with yourself about how many boundaries he has at home and what expectations have been put on him before. It’s a game though as he would be more receptive to her if they had a better bond. Be honest with the teacher, don’t get personal, it’s professional, just say he isn’t comfortable and isn’t happy. They will work with you to help I am sure.

Those star costumes aren't the most comfortable and he isn't at fault if the velcro detached! I would second the point about reassuring your son that his teacher definitely does not dislike him -she just might not always approve of a particular behaviour -fidgeting on stage, being boisterous in class etc- and is trying to ensure that he sticks to school rules so that everyone feels happy and safe at school.

Go with your gut. Your child is anxious. You thought you saw someone calling out your child.

School can be significantly different from reception.

If your son is getting anxious about going into school and/or having unexplained pains on school days it's definitely worth talking to the teacher.

You might be able to put in place a sticker chart or similar so the (for example) if he stays in his place all carpet time he gets a sticker at home and extra TV time or something.

At nursery and pre school the focus tends to be on supporting the individual child to make progress. There are generally high staffing ratios and usually a focus on positive reinforcement.

Schools don't have the ratios to do that. Part of the point of reception is training the kids to behave so that they are capable of learning in large groups and that largely means following adult instructions.

Children who resist following adult instructions or are disruptive (hitting, defiant etc) will be made aware this is not considered ok and there will be negative feedback given on this behaviour which a nursery or pre school would deal with much more by distraction and positive reinforcement of other behaviour.

For some children this does result in a lot of negative feedback and they do get the sense that "I am naughty". Some children are able to modify their behaviour as a result of this and some aren't.

The ones who can't usually end up with a SEN diagnosis of some kind plus TA support.

It may be worth talking to the teacher and finding out what specifically are the issues and working on them. So for example you say that he interrupts his teacher because he has something exciting. At school that's not ok and he needs to learn to wait his turn.

You can practice that at home by introducing a "no interrupting" rule. If you wanted to make it fun it could apply to adults as well!

Thank you this is a productive approach I feel.

Partly why my post ended up so long was I did really want to be honest about how he has been and to ensure I wasn’t be one sided.

He is an only child, so at home doesn’t have to share attention, we have boundaries and reinforce them. We have non negotiables things like routines around bath and bedtime. and things related to safety, being kind and sharing. But we are not super strict meaning we do pick our battles at times.
School is likely more strict than what he has experienced at home or nursery but necessity of it being 30 children!

It’s highly unlikely she hates him. It does sound like he's quite lively. Things like interrupting others, messing around with the equipment in the classroom do need to be challenged. If all 30 were switching things off or calling out it would be mayhem.