Does my son’s teacher hate him?

[AnxiousTeacup]

Ok slightly dramatic title but actually at the heart of what I’m feeling. I’m not sure if this is me being over worried or whether I should say something and if so, what?

Apologies it’s long because I’m trying to paint the whole picture, honestly as I can considering both sides, and not drip feed.

My son is 4 (turns 5 in March), started reception in September. I really like the school as a whole but get the vibe that the class teacher really doesn’t like my son, and that impacts how he is treated.
We’ve fully supported everything the school has asked of us, reading journals, and observations home work etc the lot!

My son was happy confident curious and bright in nursery we had no concerns about development or behaviour prior to him starting. His start was a bit rocky he struggled with the transition. A few weeks in, there was a report that he was ‘defiant’ (teachers word) and pushy with the other children. I was mortified we never had behaviour concerns before. And we fully supported the school reinforced making good choices being a good friend, read stories to help and talked about emotions and what we can do if we are overwhelmed etc.
I asked class teacher for support was so worried about it, I think it indicates he is struggling. She was very dismissive when I said he didn’t experience it before.

As I was so worried I talked informally to the other reception teacher (head of early years) she believed me when I said it was out of character, she was the one who visited him at nursery and she outright said she was surprised at his behaviour and believed me when I said he hadn’t had these issues before. She said she would put in place support. She also said a number of the boys in the class were experiencing the same and he was trying to fit in.
Around this time he told me, ‘Mrs X doesn’t like me, and thinks I’m bad’.
I reassured him best I could.

Since then I have seen a few examples which reinforce this anxious feeling I have about it. These are small examples but I just can’t shake this anxiety and whether it’s just me or whether this is my instinct.

• On the walk to school one day DS collected a few really big leaves and was excited to show the teacher. He ran in excitedly and said ‘look look look’, teacher had a few other children around her at the time and put her hand up in my sons face and said angrily ‘X I am talking!’ I wouldn’t condone him interrupting and would encourage him to wait his turn, but it was the tone of it, it was heartbreaking to see the look on his face and how he went into the class looking so sad after that.
• There have been some parent stay and play / craft sessions. I’ve seen the teacher do the rounds and make nice conversation with all the children, apart from mine. Saying things like oh that’s nice thing you’ve made etc… at the most recent one, he touched the interactive whiteboard which was playing music (they often use it during free play time) I’d gone over to redirect him and explain why he can’t touch it right now. She came over put the music back on, called over to someone else across the room saying ‘I’ll be right there, I need to put the music back on first’ and GLARED at my son.
• At the nativity this week I was proud of my son, he sang along beautifully doing the actions etc. half way through though he started to look overwhelmed, he took the costume off, but carried on singing etc at this point he was getting fidgety and leaning on the bar of the stage. I could see her telling him off. As soon as the show was over parents were directed to leave and we’d see the children for pick up outside. He burst into tears and I could see her still telling him off and not attempting to comfort him.

I am fully aware my son is no angel, no child is. His behaviour has mostly settled down with the odd report every so weeks. Teacher says he struggles to sit still. All teachers are saying there is a lot of boisterous behaviour from all the boys and I think my son is joining in. I’ve witnessed him being on the receiving end of unkind and unprovoked behaviour too. Always encouraged him to tell someone if something happens. But generally feel he likely gets overwhelmed.
He is not always good at following instructions and listening, he has his moments like most 4 year olds! Eg messing about a bit during his swimming lesson. But at school he is making solid progress with phonics and maths etc

Tonight he said again, teacher doesn’t like him as she’s always shouting at him, so he is getting this vibe from her. He is a sensitive caring empathetic sole, and takes everything to heart. I worry that he will feel negatively labelled by the teacher right at the start of his school career and this will because a negative self fulfilling prophecy.

I don’t know if it’s just me being anxious with all this or whether it’s because my mother instinct is kicking in.

What should I do? If anything? Is it just me and I need to get over this feeling?
I do appreciate my son is just one in a class of 30 and I don’t want to be a pain or ‘that’ parent!

(name changed for this post)

Yes lively is exactly how I would describe him.
He loves making people laugh but of course that’s not always appropriate in a classroom.

I definitely don’t question the reinforcement of the rules and expectations and fully support this at home too. It’s more the way it’s done or the impact it’s having.

"I've never known a teacher show dislike of a child". Well, I have, in 1990s. Of my son. Totally unwarranted. I put her (the horrible teacher) right. She could tell after speaking to me (polite but firm) if she didn't sort her attitude out it would grow arms and legs. She sorted herself out. My son was a decent young person. Teacher was the one in the wrong

As an ex teacher, I would be very concerned if my child was saying these things, if only because I know how tempting it is to behave in this way when you're stressed and how important it is that teachers don't get away with being like this. His concerns are valid. I doubt she hates him but it doesn't sound like she is remembering that he is a vulnerable human being who deserves the chance to start each day with the same opportunities as everyone else in the class. Yes, it can become a self fulfilling prophecy because it's not easy to learn in an environment that doesn't feel secure - and that is really what he's telling you - that he doesn't feel secure at school. Teachers do not need to have a particularly warm outer regard to maintain an environment suitable for learning (although it helps) but they do need to engage without causing fear, affirm positive behaviours and follow through on pupils' expectations of what will happen if they choose not to act in line with what's expected. This shouldn't vary noticeably from student to student.

Sadly some teachers do lack empathy and are burnt out. It may still be the case that there is a commitment to good pastoral care within the school generally and I think the challenge for you is alerting whoever has oversight for this without directly criticising the teacher. You could ask for a meeting and explain that your child is perceiving these behaviours as harsh and worrying. It could well be that there is a wider context that you don't know - maybe your son is the sidekick for a loose cannon and the teacher is overwhelmed. Whatever the case, she might watch her step following a meeting involving her colleague if you are able to approach this in a solution focused way, concentrating on how her approach is being perceived and the impact on his mental health and self belief. If you find no interest in your son's mental health and no accountability, I would move school.

Also, the class is just too large.

Thank you this is very helpful and really explains what my concerns are, I will try and have a chat with teacher.

Id take two angles here. Firstly id chat to your son and say yes his teacher does like him, but he needs to give her more chances to show him to behaving better in school. Right now he's making it hard for his teacher to get chance to show him she likes him because he's not following instructions etc.
Then id chat to his teacher. Explain how he's been feeling, and explain you've talked to him about trying to improve his behavior at school. Ask her to try and look out for him trying hard to improve, to 'catch him doing the right thing' so that she starts to have some more positive interactions with him. There'll likely still be some stern words too those times when he doesnt quite manage with the behaviour, but if they are tempered with some more positive moments he'll likely feel better.

To those who think teachers never dislike a child.

They do.
I still remember that one teacher in junior school who just... Didn't like me. She struggled to find fault with me as i was very much a well behaved, high achieving kid... But i could just tell she personally disliked me and it really affected my confidence. I never got the nice smiles and warmth she showed some, despite trying SO hard. 30 years later i still remember it.

Thank you the two angled approach is very helpful!

It does remind me that actually towards the beginning of term he got ‘star of the week’ for helping to tidy without being asked. He was a lot happier for a few weeks around that time. I think you’ve possibly hit the nail on the head which is he likely needs a balance of hearing the good with the bad otherwise this is the view he takes of himself.
I get it hard though for teachers who are stretched for time etc

I understand your perspective. When my son wasn't liked by his teacher, it was NOT my son's fault, it was the teacher's problem. By a firm and polite engagement, I got teacher to accept and change her behaviour. She was approaching retirement and thought she could do as she liked. She couldn't. I wasn't going to tolerate her conduct towards my son. He was having anxiety stomach issues because of her. No it wasn't that my son needed to show teacher he "could behave better". It was that teacher needed to conduct herself better. She did - after a conversation with me.

I will hold my hand up and say I have hated a child I taught (secondary). In 25 years, just the one. He was mentally abusive to the kids and you could see it. He was very clever and hid it well from senior staff. He is inside for SA and grooming 13 years olds right now.

OP, she won't hate your child - she will be frustrated as your DS is one of a group of unruly boys. Just have a chat with her - we are human!

Had a similar issue with my child and a pre school key worker. Wish I had removed child from that pre school (didn’t because it was only a few months until they started school and I thought it would be disruptive). I made an error and we are still correcting the emotional fall out from it.

In our case, my highly sensitive child was adversely affected by totally normal disciplinary and behaviour management practices in the pre school classroom. The other children weren’t affected, because they weren’t as highly sensitive in this area. At no point was the behaviour by the key worker too harsh or disproportionate, and I thought my child would get accustomed to it, and needed to for school behaviour management, but I was wrong. My child needs a softer approach and more work to build up emotional resilience and confidence before they will be able to cope with that kind of thing.

If your son’s teacher has mentally grouped him with the “boisterous” boys and is treating him as one of them, when actually he is slightly more emotionally sensitive than the others, this could be all that it is. But it’s more than enough to affect a sensitive child. Get a 1-2-1 with her and explain that your son is taking normal behaviour management approaches far too much to heart and how that is impacting on how he feels about school and learning and potentially himself. Ask her about what can be done to help build up his emotional resilience and what techniques can be used to manage his behaviour whilst also supporting him emotionally. It could be a very tough line for her to walk if he is exhibiting boisterous behaviour.

I’d also ask her about some of the other children in the class whose behaviour is less boisterous, and encourage your child in friendships with them. Arrange a couple of play dates over Christmas with any friends or classmates of his who are a bit calmer themselves, it might help.

Never ever hated a child while I was teaching ages 4 to 7. She may well be just being firm. At nursery there would be an adult for every six children which is quite different in school. This difference can make adjustment more difficult for some children. I would ask to talk to her.

but carried on singing etc at this point he was getting fidgety and leaning on the bar of the stage.

I'm trying to visualise this. Does this mean that he was at the edge of the stage? Possibly she had health and safety concerns?

Yes he was at the edge of the stage leaning on the barrier occasionally or holding on to it.
Yes likely was a H&S thing!

Thank you. In that case, I'd say that she was terrified that he was going to have an accident. (I'm a retired secondary teacher.)

I think there's a couple of things going on here. Firstly, I think you need to acknowledge that your son is probably not behaving great at school, and that the teacher's frustrations are valid. You say the other boys are boisterous and as a result he is... but that strikes me as a little bit of blame on others rather than accepting his behaviour yourself.

That said, from what you've said, I think you're right to be concerned about your son's feelings with regard to his teacher's attitude towards him. I think having a discussion with her would be a good thing, but if I were you I'd ve very careful to not blame anyone else for the things your son is doing. Focus instead on how the two of you can work together to support him. Any 'calling out' as someone suggested up-thread is likely to make things worse. You sound sensible and open-minded so I'm sure you will approach it in the right manner, with your child's best interests at heart.

I ask them to change his class, she is knocking his confidence, I'd tell them if he doesn't get moved I feel I need to change his school altogether. X

The classes are full, it would only be possible to swap if a child in another class wanted/needed to as well.

Of course she doesn't hate him. She's simply trying to teach him impulse control. Bringing in leaves to show is lovely, however learning to wait his turn and not interrupt is a really important life skill.
Not touching the white board when it's not the right time, is again learning impulse control. Not taking off his nativity costume, ditto impulse control; an essential life skill if you don't want people thinking you're a PITA when you're older.
I don't know which is worse; the victorians with 'children should be seen and not heard' or modern day parenting of 'kids should always be able to interrupt, because they must be at the centre of everything' both forms of parenting are damaging the first because it damages confidence and screws social communication; the latter because it breeds unbearable self important monstrosities who think the world revolves around them and screws social communication!

Your son sounds very sweet, but he needs to learn about turn taking, turning down impulsive behaviours, and learning when it's okay to explore his environment and when to wait for permission and not disrupt or interrupt. 4,5 and 6 these social skills can be quite hard to learn and take a bit of fine tuning; his teacher sounds like that's what she is doing.
I'm sure she'd love a homemade Christmas card with a few leaves 🍁 🍃 🍂
Stuck on and his best writing wishing her a happy Christmas, just remind him not to interrupt anyone when he gives it to her!

Why have you jumped straight to “it’s very very unlikely?” Just because you wouldn’t treat a child like that, doesn’t mean another so called ‘teacher’ wouldn’t. There’s some vile people working as teachers, alongside some wonderful, caring teachers.

Interesting that you’ve jumped straight to dismissing OP’s valid concerns, ignoring the hand in the poor boy’s face(!) and declared OP’s DS as a naughty kid based on 3 examples of frankly mild behaviour for a reception child still adjusting. So much so that you’ve even gone as far as to use the term PITA

Awful behaviour from a grown adult

She probably just dislikes him rather than hates him, plus it is the end of the year and term so is probably just exhausted.

I have several kids, several schools the one that seems to annoy her teachers the most is my daughter who is just a fabulous kid and so easy. I do understand she may annoy the teacher because she is so great lol! The next one up is a boy who is just a handful and bright with it but he has rarely attracted as much distaste as my daughter. Some gems include going through the whole of reception without once being given any kind of star of the week award, the same teacher tried to have her held back for a year to keep her friend company! she even managed to go through the whole of year 6 and 7 without a single certificate even when the award was for a hard endpoint like raising the most money at the school fair. This school year her teachers organised to take the class photo when she was at a medical appointment (she has been seriously unwell so has missed a couple of hours on Tuesday morning most of the year.) So it was clearly intentional!
Anyway what can you do about it? Nothing!
The teacher might be a bit better early next school year after a break but will likely revert once tiredness sets in. Complaining will just get your child picked on more. Can you get into another class quickly? Can you move school? Once she has successfully labelled him it will just follow him around.

With the school play, the teacher was probably scared he would have an accident and may have been talking to him about safe behaviour.

Reading between the lines I'd say that your son is not behaving as he should do at school and that you are quite lax with behaviour and discipline at home, which means he is ill-equipped to behave properly in a large class at school.
Do you tell him off for interrupting your conversations at home or do you immediately turn your attention on him? If I was talking I would always tell my children( and grandchildren) to wait till I'd finished speaking then I'd put my full attention on them afterwards. If he hasn't had that he would likely be surprised when the teacher told him to wait.
He should not be touching things like whiteboards at school without permission, no wonder she glared at him. Presumably you glare at your child occasionally if he has done something wrong? Everybody I know has/had " the look" when they look at their child in a disapproving way.
It's unusual for a child to start taking the costume off in a concert, she was probably worried about what he would do next.
It seems to me that this teacher is trying to ensure your child toes the line and behaves appropriately at school. It may be that at home he's had free rein to more or less do what he likes, and now he's at school where there are necessarily more expectations of behaviour he's finding it hard because he's not used to it, and is misinterpreting it as the teacher hates him because he does need telling off from time to time.
Don't blame his behaviour on other boys. It's important that you keep telling him that even if lots of children are doing X naughty thing, he must not join in with them.
My son ( now early 30s) was in a class of 21 boys and 9 girls all through primary school, very unusual, so there were more than the average number of "boisterous" children. I set high standards of behaviour and encouraged him to set a high standard for himself and kept on with the message of not joining in with bad behaviour. There were a group of lovely well-behaved hard working boys and he was friends with them all the way from reception, still friends with the core group now. As a side note it's interesting to see that that group of boys who were all clever, well behaved children from the age of 4, continued to be so throughout school and university and are now very successful in their careers as doctors, lawyers, senior managers etc, all married and having great lives.

Ah, OP, I really feel for you. I can just imagine in your shoes feeling so sad on his behalf. He's still so little. I think others have hit the nail on the head - it would definitely be worth, at least I think, having a calm, open discussion in which you explain what he's said, and how he seems to feel, whilst also acknowledging how much the teacher is probably juggling. I think mentioning how much of a difference her picking up on his positive behavior early on meant to him might be useful in highlighting how important her balancing out the telling off is for him. For what it's worth, you sound like a really lovely Mum who's trying to make sure her boy is seen for who he is, not just for his trickier moments. I don't think you're making something out of nothing. He's lucky to have you in his corner

😳 This is an interesting take on it!
I find it curious that you and another poster have assumed it’s all my fault for ‘lax parenting!’

In my original post I mentioned we have fully supported the school… if there has been an issue we have talked to my son about it reinforced the rules at home. Talked about the actions and what is appropriate when.
We have got books and read stories, talked about how to express emotions in a healthy way. I’ve backed the teacher up every step of the way.
He certainly doesn’t have ‘free rein’ at home but he is not having to mix and share attention with 30 other kids at home so the circumstances are different.

I didn’t mention the ‘boisterous boys’ to blame other children, I mentioned it as an explanation and to acknowledge that his behaviour is not the only child in the class who is doing such things. it’s happening both ways. I recognised he is no angel and feel I have been realistic in my portrayal of him.
We have done exactly that which is remind him of the rules and not to join in and when something happens like he gets pushed to not join in but to tell an adult.
He has been on the receiving end of being pushed, scratched, hit, etc too and it was to explain there is a lot going on in the class and my feeling is he is overwhelmed from it.

Yes he struggles with impulse control, he is 4.5 years old this is something he is learning and doing but takes time to fully develop.

I don’t excuse or condone his behaviour, I said this from the outset but I do try to understand it so that I can tackle it effectively.

I’m a professional myself, my DH is too and he had very similar behaviour according to MIL. I love the leap between how a group of well behaved boys are now all professional careers. By that logic and the fact that it’s ALL down to my parenting, I’ve doomed my son to failure already, perhaps I should give up as clearly he is destined for a life of destitution and failure. 😵‍💫