Does my son’s teacher hate him?

[AnxiousTeacup]

Ok slightly dramatic title but actually at the heart of what I’m feeling. I’m not sure if this is me being over worried or whether I should say something and if so, what?

Apologies it’s long because I’m trying to paint the whole picture, honestly as I can considering both sides, and not drip feed.

My son is 4 (turns 5 in March), started reception in September. I really like the school as a whole but get the vibe that the class teacher really doesn’t like my son, and that impacts how he is treated.
We’ve fully supported everything the school has asked of us, reading journals, and observations home work etc the lot!

My son was happy confident curious and bright in nursery we had no concerns about development or behaviour prior to him starting. His start was a bit rocky he struggled with the transition. A few weeks in, there was a report that he was ‘defiant’ (teachers word) and pushy with the other children. I was mortified we never had behaviour concerns before. And we fully supported the school reinforced making good choices being a good friend, read stories to help and talked about emotions and what we can do if we are overwhelmed etc.
I asked class teacher for support was so worried about it, I think it indicates he is struggling. She was very dismissive when I said he didn’t experience it before.

As I was so worried I talked informally to the other reception teacher (head of early years) she believed me when I said it was out of character, she was the one who visited him at nursery and she outright said she was surprised at his behaviour and believed me when I said he hadn’t had these issues before. She said she would put in place support. She also said a number of the boys in the class were experiencing the same and he was trying to fit in.
Around this time he told me, ‘Mrs X doesn’t like me, and thinks I’m bad’.
I reassured him best I could.

Since then I have seen a few examples which reinforce this anxious feeling I have about it. These are small examples but I just can’t shake this anxiety and whether it’s just me or whether this is my instinct.

• On the walk to school one day DS collected a few really big leaves and was excited to show the teacher. He ran in excitedly and said ‘look look look’, teacher had a few other children around her at the time and put her hand up in my sons face and said angrily ‘X I am talking!’ I wouldn’t condone him interrupting and would encourage him to wait his turn, but it was the tone of it, it was heartbreaking to see the look on his face and how he went into the class looking so sad after that.
• There have been some parent stay and play / craft sessions. I’ve seen the teacher do the rounds and make nice conversation with all the children, apart from mine. Saying things like oh that’s nice thing you’ve made etc… at the most recent one, he touched the interactive whiteboard which was playing music (they often use it during free play time) I’d gone over to redirect him and explain why he can’t touch it right now. She came over put the music back on, called over to someone else across the room saying ‘I’ll be right there, I need to put the music back on first’ and GLARED at my son.
• At the nativity this week I was proud of my son, he sang along beautifully doing the actions etc. half way through though he started to look overwhelmed, he took the costume off, but carried on singing etc at this point he was getting fidgety and leaning on the bar of the stage. I could see her telling him off. As soon as the show was over parents were directed to leave and we’d see the children for pick up outside. He burst into tears and I could see her still telling him off and not attempting to comfort him.

I am fully aware my son is no angel, no child is. His behaviour has mostly settled down with the odd report every so weeks. Teacher says he struggles to sit still. All teachers are saying there is a lot of boisterous behaviour from all the boys and I think my son is joining in. I’ve witnessed him being on the receiving end of unkind and unprovoked behaviour too. Always encouraged him to tell someone if something happens. But generally feel he likely gets overwhelmed.
He is not always good at following instructions and listening, he has his moments like most 4 year olds! Eg messing about a bit during his swimming lesson. But at school he is making solid progress with phonics and maths etc

Tonight he said again, teacher doesn’t like him as she’s always shouting at him, so he is getting this vibe from her. He is a sensitive caring empathetic sole, and takes everything to heart. I worry that he will feel negatively labelled by the teacher right at the start of his school career and this will because a negative self fulfilling prophecy.

I don’t know if it’s just me being anxious with all this or whether it’s because my mother instinct is kicking in.

What should I do? If anything? Is it just me and I need to get over this feeling?
I do appreciate my son is just one in a class of 30 and I don’t want to be a pain or ‘that’ parent!

(name changed for this post)

What a wonderful parent you seem to be. Maybe you should you set up parenting classes for the rest of us mere mortals. I say that in jest, of course. I'm sure you tried your best to be a good parent, just like the vast majority of parents, including the OP, do their best. Good luck OP. Go with your instincts on this.

It's very unlikely she dislikes him.

It's also unlikely they will change class; if they have 30 in each class then they can't unless they're swapping another, and if they don't they'll probably still be unwilling because it will open the floodgates to lots of requests.

The examples you give seem reasonable behaviour control. The leaf one, for example. Just imagine it the other way round. Your child is excitingly telling the teacher about what they had for breakfast (or whatever) and another child comes running and shouts "look, look" and she turns to them. You'd be upset at that, wouldn't you?
It's often helpful to turn things round in your head and consider if your child was the other one, how would you feel.

You have to allow for the situation being not as you or he sees. For example on the costume, she might have said to them it didn't matter if they didn't wear the costume or not, but if they chose to, it had to stay on through the performance. That then changes the situation.

I suspect if she has a group of boisterous children then she may be needing to be stricter than otherwise, to try and nip it in the bud before it gets worse, or accepted by the children as a way to behave. If you think he's picking it up from others, isn't it good that he's not seeing the others getting away with it?
I know my dd1's class was gentle, quiet and didn't have any children who went into the "boisterous" label. Dd2's class was the opposite, and had probably nearly half the class could have been given that label. They were treated differently by teachers - if dd1#s class was being a bit silly the teachers could let them go a little because they knew that if they said "that's enough, settle down" they did. Dd2's class not only wouldn't settle down, but would continue the rest of the day to be silly.
And I think there were a couple of children in dd1's class who would have caused issues in dd2's class, but because they didn't have the "backup" they didn't do it, I hope that makes sense. And some of dd2's class who were pains in year R, then they mixed the classes up and were much better in a calmer classroom. (and a couple of the less-well behaved ones also left)

It might be worth getting his hearing checked, as in a busy year R classroom it may be that he's not hearing as well as he should, which could effect behaviour.

I'd speak to the teacher and say that he's struggling and not happy. Don't lay down any blame, and don't imply that she doesn't like him. Ask if there's anything you can do at home to help. By showing the teacher that you are working together, she can trust you and that is best for your child.

Really?

Decades of working in education and I can assure you teachers do actively show dislike towards certain pupils. It's heartbreaking. I mean - we all have people we wouldn't choose to spend time with (kids and adults) but we need to not let that show at least!

Also my own ds was autistic. 99% of teachers adored him as he's an absolute rule follower. But I can count on one hand teachers who if asked would and did describe a completely different child to the one anyone else saw and would describe. And I mean completely different. Including the teacher who said my ds would fail science because he has poor social skills and poor handwriting (he has a neuromuscular degenerative condition and autism) and an ehcp that was meant to support removing that barrier. He also was moved class after she did something that showed the school he was right and she hated him. This was the end of year 10. He got a double 9 in science mocks a few months later and for his final GCSEs.

I would approach it with the teacher as "DS is struggling with anxiety around coming to school because he's convinced you hate him. Have you any insight into this and how we can work together to support his mindset"

Her response will tell you all you need to know

@AnxiousTeacup I’d guess your son is your only or oldest child?

The teacher has to wrangle an entire class, She has to keep order-
My son had a teacher that used to get exasperated with him and his friend ( Infants)
She was renowned for being nasty ( Shouty S….. was her name )
My son had her for three years!

It did dent his confidence a bit, but he’s an adult now.
Ironically I met the Head in the street who asked after DS
He said “I always thought (name) would do well, it’s a shame he got in with ( naughty boy’s name)

But even the “naughty boy “ is doing well as an adult!

He is my only, yes.

I’ve spent the whole term dismissing how I feel as my own worry about it. Then constantly reassuring my son. Because exactly that I guess, I appreciate he is one of 30 and that his behaviour isn’t appropriate for school.

My concern though is making sure he gets off to a good start with school and I can see it’s been a tough term and my son still isn’t happy deep down as he confessed to me yesterday he feels teacher doesn’t like him. I am so worried for his wellbeing and confidence at school. I want him to behave and do well, but I most importantly want him to be happy and have good self esteem and fall into a negative cycle of behaviour.

I have appreciated everyone who has taken the time to reply and I do think I feel validated enough to have a polite careful chat with the teacher. So we can both support him.

He could always try behaving properly and then the teacher might warm to him a little. It doesn't sound like he is behaving in a likeable way; have you not taught him before now that people won't like him if he is disruptive and irritating?

Wow yeah ok. 😳

I never thought to try and tackle his behaviour before! I haven’t talked extensively about this throughout this thread at all…

You’re completely right! My FOUR year old should be written off at this point!

In case you cannot detect this is sarcasm… I try my best as a parent to develop his behaviour appropriately! I have consistently and constantly supported the school and reinforced the behaviour expectations. I do not at all condone his behaviour and teach him what is appropriate or not.

But guess what - he is a small human with many good qualities but has some areas he is still learning and developing. Which I will continue to do my duty to support. He is hurting, and I want to support him to be the best he can be including conform to behaviour expectations.

But feel free to jump in with any other practical solution, rather than just make a sweeping statement about it.

Perhaps YOUR parents have not taught you about being kind when someone is distressed?

Everything you’ve described sounds developmentally normal for a four year old. The transition to Reception is such a big change, and contrary to what people always say about it being mostly play based, in my experience there’s far more to it than that. There’s far more structure, more formality, more rules, far greater expectations in terms of behaviour etc.

Being a Reception teacher isn’t for the weak and sometimes I wonder if some of them wouldn’t be better suited with a different age group.

Thank you I really appreciate this ❤️

The structure and formality has indeed been a challenge I believe. It’s been a challenging term.

It’s heartbreaking as you just want your child to fit in and do well, and feel good about themselves.

It might be worth getting his hearing checked, as in a busy year R classroom it may be that he's not hearing as well as he should, which could effect behaviour.

I did wonder this too actually, we did get a letter the other day about hearing screening so that’s happening soon, so we will see!

Some people on MN are so bloody nasty.

He sounds like a perfectly normal 4 year old child. Nothing the OP has written makes him sound particularly naughty or annoying, just displaying perfecting normal behaviours for his age.

And yes, teachers can certainly be biased towards/against children. We can all be biased, it is part of being human and most of the time we don't even realise we are doing it! If she is a good teacher and a nice person then she will probably feel awful that she's given him the impression that she doesn't like him.

"and feel good about themselves". Absolutely yes. You've nailed the priority, OP

He is not particularly naughty or disruptive. But he is at the more boisterous end of a normal 4 year old. At home, or in nursery, adults can use distraction, story telling and long explanations. But a teacher with 30 children, especially with a boisterous groups of boys, can not.
The first term can be a difficult transition for a child of they have only had gentle parenting methods applied such as the above. Things like glaring at him touching the whiteboard is appropriate and some children will be used to being glared at if they do something wrong. Some children will also be used to not interrupting an adult talking to someone else and being told firmly to wait if they do try and interrupt.
For a child not used to these methods, then the first term can be a big shock to the system. Rather than just saying his teacher does not hate him, I would explain why she is doing what he is doing i.e. you touched the whiteboard, but teacher was busy, so instead of saying something she glared at you to tell you what you did was wrong and you should not do it again. He needs to understand why the teacher is behaving the way she is.
I think it is sensible to talk to the teacher as well, tell her what he is saying, but also ask what else you can do to help.
Also I understand why you mentioned the other boisterous boys, They will wind each other up. But be careful not to blame them, he is also one of the boisterous boys.

And yes, teachers can certainly be biased towards/against children. We can all be biased, it is part of being human and most of the time we don't even realise we are doing it!

Totally agree @FlamingoYellow

I’m surprised to see so many people saying they’ve never encountered a teacher showing dislike of a child. Of course they do. Like you say, it’s a bias and not always conscious. I have so much respect for teachers but they are not all saints and I’m sure many of us have seen children treated unfairly because they have got themselves a reputation for being a bit troublesome (although I stand by what I said above - OP’s son is only four and it’s developmentally normal to be fidgety, struggle with rule following, to interrupt, and to get handsy with other children). If you can’t cope with that in Reception then you shouldn’t be teaching 4-5 year olds.

Some very nasty responses in this thread, quelle surprise.

@AnxiousTeacup

Yes lively is exactly how I would describe him.

I think if there is a group of them who are lively she is probably just finding it harder to keep them all behaving how she wants them to. My DS had a very close group at primary & they weren't horrible or naughty but I think used to exhaust whichever teacher had them. They would refuse to tell on each other & so it was hard for any teacher to get to the bottom of anything. Primary school reports were always fairly average but secondary school has been better for him. I think it's harder work in primary when you have the same class all day. She is probably just tired.

The more this teacher continues to undermine, condemn and belittle your DS, the more if his self worth, confidence and self esteem will suffer.......This teacher is metaphorically chiseling away at your little boy and labeling him as a naughty kid without giving him praise when he does good, hence the incident with the leaves.

In time, he will start to believe what he hears from this teacher and your DS's confidence will steep to an all time low.

This has already started because he is seeking their approval and acceptance but being reprimanded and pushed away instead. This is a sign of prejudice, from the teacher towards your DS for no good reason.

He's only 4.
Massive power balance and the teacher is a flippin adult on a power trip.

Get your DS moved to a different class asap, so that he can settle. Seek out the schools safeguarding policy if they drag their feet over moving him to another class.

• He's only 4. Massive power inbalance and the teacher is a flippin adult on a power trip.

@AnxiousTeacup

From your posts I can't see anything too out of line in your child's behaviour. Seems
quite average in terms of age.

I've worked with many many teachers over the years. To be honest I have never met a teacher who I feel purposefully showed a dislike of certain pupils, but I have met quite a few who seemed overwhelmed with the situation at hand and run down with the job and therefore their attitude towards some children was really less than ideal.

Actually I used to feel quite sad after these sessions, not because the teachers did anything majorly wrong, obviously I would have felt obliged to say something, but witnessing dismissive remarks and general unkind and negative attitudes was not great to see.

The trouble is that there wasn't really anything anyone could change about the situation because it was an overall feeling, rather than any specific incident. From some of the things they said I think a lot of the problem was down to them feeling under pressure, and that quite normal behaviour by some children was seen as an added complication, instead of part of their role.

Massive power inbalance and the teacher is a flippin adult on a power trip.
I'm sorry but that's a ridiculous attitude. The vast majority of infant teachers are doing their very best, often with little support and limited resources, to make their classrooms safe, welcoming places for the children in their care. And if anyone's seeking a power trip, teaching would be last career on earth they'd choose. The criticism from all sides is constant and draining. This teacher isn't condemning or belittling the child. She's trying to create a suitable learning environment for a class of small children, many of whom clearly need frequent reminders of school rules.

Good idea to chat with the teacher.

The teacher son had was unwell { physically} so she was probably tired-
She had a reputation for disliking boys- and could she SHOUT!

Once {I used to volunteer at the school} a Fire engine was parked outside for the children to look at, and I was outside with the deputy head and the children- all of a sudden a massive bellow came bursting through the windows-

The Deputy winced and said ''We can hear {name} out here- it's embarrassing''
{hence her nickname 'Shouty {surname}.

I think she should have retired early, it wasn't fair on her or the children to be so overwrought. {The school is 'Outstanding' in Ofsted review}.

@bytheseine
''I've worked with many many teachers over the years. To be honest I have never met a teacher who I feel purposefully showed a dislike of certain pupils, but I have met quite a few who seemed overwhelmed with the situation at hand and run down with the job and therefore their attitude towards some children was really less than ideal.''

I would definitely agree.

The shouty teacher I referred to was ill, fatigued, and probably should have taken long term sick leave {she was genuinely unwell with a physical illness that won't get better} She was like an ''old retainer'' who had been there decades.

The young Head was lovely.

The bit of your OP that strikes me is “he touched the interactive whiteboard which was playing music (they often use it during free play time) I’d gone over to redirect him and explain why he can’t touch it right now.”

At school, redirection and explanation get replaced by “No! You have already been told that you are not allowed to touch the whiteboard. That was not acceptable behaviour.” If this is not what he is used to at home, I can see that he would interpret it as being disliked.

Hmm I can understand why practically it is difficult to do explaining, but sometimes it’s necessary.

Surely it’s confusing for a 4 year old to be allowed to play with the whiteboard at some times but not others? When they have free play they are allowed to play with it and play games on it. I’ve seen observations of him doing things on it.

At the parent craft thing, it was being used for music but it wasn’t as though he had already been told that, as far as I am aware before we got there? Music was not on when we arrived. The children who did not have parents there were doing something on it when we started then they got taken out to do stuff outside the room instead and that’s when music was put on.

I feel that explaining why you can’t do something is generally better at least the first time!

I had a similar issue with my son, and I actually went to speak to the head teacher. She went and did a class observation and the report came back agreeing they did not have a good relationship. Since then it has improved massively.

I was getting constant messages about low level silly behaviour, wouldn't acknowledge him at the start and end of the day.

My advice would be to go to speak to the head.

Thank you,

Hopefully it won’t come to speaking to the Head, will try teacher first.