Missing first week of reception for a family wedding abroad

[RosesJ]

Hi we have just found out a sibling has booked their wedding abroad the week our child is due to start reception.

If we attend this would mean our child will miss the first week of reception and I am not sure what is best to do as obviously we are heartbroken if we have to miss the wedding too.

our little one is shy and I feel like the first week is really important for settling in etc for them especially if shy! We did mention about the starting school dates issue etc and they said they would work it so we could go without missing it but it hasn’t turned out that way.

I would hate to miss the special day but I am thinking our child’s first day of school is something we will never get back. If it was any other year I would happily miss the first couple of days but I feel like reception is a really big thing?

what would you all do?

Your child is highly unlikely to start on the first day of term and also won't be in full time to start with. Also school isn't compulsory till 5. I'd suggest when place is confirmed talk to the school as if the children start in different cohorts your child could be in a later one. Also unless the wedding is on the last day of the week presumably you can escape earlier?

I would double check the actual starting dates at the school and see if there is any wriggle room.
If not I would prioritise your DCs first day as I think you will always have a feeling of what if, if you don't.

As someone who just took Year 2 DS out for a week for a family wedding (in Australia so needed the week), I 100% would not have done this in the first week of reception. Or the first week of any year to be honest. Starting reception is hard enough for some children and alot of the settling activities happen in that first week. They start forming their friendship groups etc.

My comprise would be the person who's sibling is getting married goes and the other stays home at your child.
We did this when my DS was in reception. There was a family event abroad in the October. My DH went and I stayed home with the kids for school.

I can’t believe the response on here favouring not missing school. I have three children in school and they’re there for a very long time. Missing the first week will be of little or no consequence but your family wedding happens once. Go and enjoy the wedding. He’ll settle in just fine and make friends a week later.

Another way of looking at it is that it might be an advantage for a shy child to miss the first few days. It gets all the tears from other children and large groups of adults all turning up out of the way and everyone might be a bit calmer.

I’ve taught this year group and honestly don’t think it will make any difference in the long run. If anything, I’d say it’d make more of a difference as they go up the school.

one of my children missed the first week through illness. With our experience in mind I would absolutely miss the wedding.
My children struggled until the February. Friendships were formed that week and it wasn’t a great experience for my child trying to integrate (even though some were friends from nursery).
it was upsetting and difficult for us all and not something I would choose.
in the long run it has been fine but at the time and immediately after it was very hard.

In your case, you should go the the wedding.
DH should stay at home, and do the first day of school.

Honestly, I know youve said it's the only first day of school - but it really isn't a massive thing. And there is hext september, and thecstart if secondary. Drop them at the door and run. Hopefully it's the only wedding your sister will have too!

No way should he miss the first day of school, especially if you’re worried that they might struggle to make friends. They were aware when they booked the wedding that it would clash with his first day of school and booked it anyway. So take the same level of care and don’t attend. As others said he will be out of step from the other kids right from the get go, not a good start. Or a good impression on his teacher either.

If I were your sister I would understand that your child shouldn’t miss their first day of school and so couldn’t come.

I would really not understand that you couldn’t miss the first day of school and would put that above my wedding.

What is the problem with your child staying home with their dad ? Do you think dad won’t support child well enough on the day?

I think it's fairly widely recognised that a DCs first day at school is a parental milestone. My DPs still talk about mine and I'm 54, so <gasp> 50 years ago.

The sibling originally said they would sort the wedding date so the two things didn't clash.OP has been very gracious about the fact that this hasn't happened, so it would be unfair if the sibling then judged her for prioritising her own DD.

I think it's fairly widely recognised that a DCs first day at school is a parental milestone. My DPs still talk about mine and I'm 54, so <gasp> 50 years ago.

And I'm 52, so my own children's first days were less than 50 years ago. I don't remember one, and I didn't take the other.
Not making a big deal of the first day is much better for the children.

Why are you referring to missing the first week of school? Unless the wedding is on the other side of the world, surely you'd only miss 3 days at most? You don't have to stay for a week long holiday.

If you find out closer to the date that it definitely clashes, then I'd go to the wedding by myself.

Sorry I am aware it is not a full week, as far as I am aware most schools do not start for a full week in September but either way it is part of the first week he is missing. The 2 other days would be inset days so technically still the first week no? If they start on the Wednesday, he would be missing the starting week of school. I have simply come on here asking for helpful advice to make a decision on this sorry if my wording has come across wrong to you!

Thanks so much everyone such helpful advice and we really are thinking of options now :) I have spoken to the school and they have confirmed reception start full days with the rest of the school so that will likely still be the case.

we have not come to our final decision and we have a while yet to see how he is as like I did mention originally we will be heartbroken to miss the wedding so now after reading some comments we will definitely be considering this but like I say a while to decide yet and always great to see other perspectives to how I was originally thinking!

"hopefully it starts the week later so you can all make it" sounds to me like the sibling is not too fussed if you miss it. They took the risk knowing that there's a high chance it won't work for you; presumably there was some other reason those dates worked best for them, and they prioritised that reason.

So if the dates don't work for you, don't go.

Not sure why you're quoting 'behind' like that's what I said.

You literally said: "a step behind the other kids in things".

Is it not still a first day at school even if it's a week later than other people ? I just don't get it and can only assume it's a social media 'thing'.

I work in reception and would echo this! Also I can guarantee you won’t be the only one missing the first week if you do decide to go. We had 3 or 4 across both classes I think.

Our school doesn’t even do full days for the first week, we build up the time so they start the following week doing full days.

Lastly, if your child is shy and takes time to settle then that’s fine, EYFS staff will know this and will have dealt with it plenty of times. Your child will be highly unlikely to know they’ve “missed” their first day if you don’t tell them.

I would say that the parent whose sibling is getting married goes to the wedding. The other parent stays at home so your child can start school.

I'd do this.

Although, it is incredibly unusual for all of Reception to start on the first day of term, it seems you have checked and that the school your dc is likely to go to have set it up this way.

OP you sound like you are being v sensible, calm and considered. But just wanted to say, you’ve got a total right to be inwardly furious at your sibling, and the lackadaisical attitude. Obviously it’s put you in a really hard position of having to make choices between lovely and important events in your family. It’s so thoughtless of them to put you in this position. Presumably a cost thing - things are always far cheaper outside of school holidays - and fair enough nobody has unlimited cash and it will make it a lot more affordable for them. But it passes on hard choices for you. Your calm approach is def correct - no point falling out over it - but aargh!

LOL there's a big difference between 'a step behind' and 'being behind' - they have quite different implications. But it's ok - we're here to give the OP a range of opinions. Mine is very much that the OP should prioritise her only child's first day of school. And honestly yes I get that the wedding people get to choose the day they want, but what they've chosen is not to have OP there so that's kinda sad.

I don't know if this has been mentioned already @RosesJ but for a shy child the "big first day" can be overwhelming. Especially nowadays when a lot of people seem to make it more about them than their child - think overly emotional people with their phones out, crowding around the children, hanging about the classroom etc. and then there's a repeat at pick up time!

Joining a week later will take the heat out of the situation and might be better for your little one, plus the teacher can ask them questions about the wedding or they can take in a photo etc. I think it would work well and in both my children's years there were late starters and it wasn't an issue at all.

DD2s first day was the biggest anti climax. You just dropped them off at the gate and the teacher collected them (no parents in the playground before school!)

I would miss the wedding. Like you say, it’s an important week and one that you must have looked forward to for years. I can’t imagine the school being overjoyed that he’s missing the first week either.

The first week will be important for your child settling. If you're a 2 parent family, one adult should stay with the kid starting school and the other go to the wedding alone.

I have just retired after 15 years teaching reception in 3 different schools.
If I was you I'd go to the wedding. I don't think I had a single year where everyone started in the first week - either due to holidays or visiting family abroad. Last year I had several children who didn't start for several weeks. It makes absolutely no difference. Some children will settle instantly, some take a little longer but they will all settle; and the rest of the class don't seem to notice late starters.
And I echo what several posters have said about it being a calmer start for a shy child as the others will already be settled by the 2nd week.