Missing first week of reception for a family wedding abroad

[RosesJ]

Hi we have just found out a sibling has booked their wedding abroad the week our child is due to start reception.

If we attend this would mean our child will miss the first week of reception and I am not sure what is best to do as obviously we are heartbroken if we have to miss the wedding too.

our little one is shy and I feel like the first week is really important for settling in etc for them especially if shy! We did mention about the starting school dates issue etc and they said they would work it so we could go without missing it but it hasn’t turned out that way.

I would hate to miss the special day but I am thinking our child’s first day of school is something we will never get back. If it was any other year I would happily miss the first couple of days but I feel like reception is a really big thing?

what would you all do?

If someone wants to book their wedding abroad that's fine for them. But they must accept that some invited guests will have different priorities.
Starting a child's schooling has to be more important than someone else's wedding.

It is my family so option of one staying home isn’t really there as it would be me missing out. I understand to some it may not seem important but our little one took many years to conceive via IVF and we have had failed attempts since for another child so this may be my only ever option of a FIRST day of school. Regardless if we start a week later I will always know deep down I made him miss that and like others have mentioned how that must it feel for a 4 year old to feel left out when he is already shy.

hopefully they understand my reasons and if not when they have their own I’m sure they will :)

Kids at this age are developmentally very very different. No kid will be 'behind' after one week. There will be a few kids who won't know where the lego or their coat peg is after half a term (these are increasing). There may even be some kids who can't use the toilet yet. They will be getting used to routines, co operating and school rules. Some kids who have never been in that kind of environment, and have a lack of boundaries at home, could take a term to get used to it. There is no set 'standard' of understanding that all, or even most, children will have.

Far worse to miss a family memory that everyone else is part of! Photos in grandparents' house etc etc. I think it would be far more beneficial to go.

(And why is the story they read on the first day relevant? ! I can bet 90% of the class will have forgotten it by the next day!)

Your child might seem shy now but it doesn't mean they'll be the same in a years time or shy forever.

Missing the first ever week of school to go on holiday would not be a great start 😬
Start as you mean to go on, etc.

I'd miss the wedding. For a shy child it's better to start with everyone else if possible.

Stay home - if they had wanted you and your family there, they should have picked a date that didn't clash with the first week of school (and which you specifically told them about). Also, they’re getting married on a weekday? Surely that’s inconvenient for other guests as well?

Thank you everyone please keep opinions coming as it is really nice to see both sides of things and ultimately help us make our decision!
I am going to speak to some friends who already have little ones in school etc too as it is hard to know what I will feel like nearer the time but right now my priority is being there for the first day / couple of days of school :(

Have you told your brother you won't be able to go to his wedding?

I think you need to stay because your intuition is telling you she needs the stable base of you and a secure start. This stuff is important. But it will probably upset your family. You did mention it beforehand, so I don't think you are being unreasonable. That's overseas weddings. I would communicate it compassionately and clearly.
We won't be able to join you overseas, because the dates clash with the start of school. I would really value the opportunity to celebrate with you and would like to spend the money we would have spent on travel to have a special dinner with you (and the rest of the family) before you go.

Not sure why you're quoting 'behind' like that's what I said. You're free to have your own opinion but mine is that the kid that starts at a different time to the other Reception kids has missed out on important foundational and bonding time with the group. Will it lead to lifelong trauma? No. Will it make them feel a bit different to the other kids for a while - probably yeah. It's not something I'd want for my kid. It's a big transition and missing it for a wedding isn't going to be meaningful for them. I have literally no idea what photos my grandparents had in their house, or my own parents right now for that matter!

OP, you only get one 'first day at school' with your little one. It's a big deal.

My elder DD missed the first month of reception, joining a class that was 95% from the school nursery.
2nd day she had a party invitation.
By half term no one remembered she wasn't there first month.
By Christmas no one could remember who hadn't been in the nursery class.

But this is about you missing the first day not your child.

IMO the first day is important for kids but not a big deal for parents, ok it can be a bit emotional seeing them in but after 9am it’s just a day without them!!

I think it’s been built up by social media into some big moment for the parent but really the big deal is about them reaching that more grown up stage and that’s still true whether you are there for the day or not.

If your child stays him with their dad while you go to the wedding, your child won’t miss their first day.

I think this is by far the most sensible solution.

Totally agree with this

@Talipesmum i agree. One parent does the wedding, the other does the first day of school.

I wouldn't miss the first day. It's very important.

Your relatives didn't care enough to take it into account so it's their own fault you have to miss it.

If you told your DB the start date of school and he's disregarded it and booked his wedding for that exact day, he's a twat!

As to your dilemma, yeah difficult one. My kids are older and honestly, looking back I can barely remember their first day of school and I doubt they can. It seems like a big deal at the time, but in the span of life it really isn't and the first few days of school nothing much happens. However, I get that this is your first DC and their first day of school and so right now it IS a big deal for all of you. And given that, I would choose my DC and their needs above those a DB who has disregarded you and your DC in his planning.

I actually missed a good friends wedding because it was no children, in a remote area and it clashed with my pfbs first birthday. I tried to think of ways to make it work, but I wasn't ready to be away from my baby let alone miss that 1st birthday milestone. I do often regret not going, but I think I would also have regretted going. These situations are dilemmas because there are no good options. Maybe we over inflate these milestones in our minds, sure, but then also surely we ask too much of family if we expect them to travel overseas on dates they have no control over - fine to invite and hope of course, but not to expect.

Based on your update, being there for the first day of school is important for you, as well as for your DC. I'd prioritise your family's needs, in the same way your sibling has prioritised theirs. They took a calculated risk (or didnt care at all) and it hasn't paid off. This is on them, so don't be made to feel guilty.

I’d miss the wedding. I have three children and I’ve moved homes and schools with them quite a lot. Yes they are resilient but for a child that is (currently) shy I would make sure they were attending their very first day 1.

It may not make a difference for many but for some it’s a very big day indeed, one that will stick in their memories OR will set them up potentially with small doubts or confidences that stay with them. You have no way of telling if it will or won’t have an impact until it’s done. As a pp said it’s the one day where the majority are all in the same boat.

I would double check with the school directly to make sure they aren’t changing their policy of no staggered starts (you never know - maybe they’ll have a policy change next year!). Also you never know, you may well be allocated to a different school with different dates. I would possibly consider leaving your child with your partner and going to the wedding yourself, although I can appreciate why you may not want to.

thanks everyone - sister is aware and this isn’t a huge family fall out about to happen or anything I have made it quite clear that my little one is starting school but also acknowledged it is their wedding and they have to do what is right for them also. I simply just come to this page for some advice to make my decision not to slate anybody for their choice as much as I would rather it not be that date so I am not in this predicament, I fully appreciate it is their wedding and don’t want to bring any shade to them on this :) parents have already said they don’t think I should miss the first day of school but also agree that their wedding should happen when they like it too.

I would definitely choose a first day at school for your child over a sibling's wedding who knew the situation but still went ahead and booked it for term time and then said they hoped you could all make it, knowing full well you couldn't really. I'd take a pretty dim view of them and they're clearly not that fussed about you all being there unfortunately.

Your child will not remember their first day or week at school in a few years to come, and it will not impact them long term.

Your sibling however will forever remember you being absent at such an important occasion in their life.

To me, it's unfortunate but a no brainer.

@Helpisonitswaydear I remember my first day, as does my brother. My three teens all remember their first day! I don’t think it’s uncommon, it’s quite a big experience for most children

Aside from what everyone else is saying, what do you want or think is right to do OP? That's the most important thing as you will be the one having to deal with the consequences.

You know your child best :)