Reception - will I regret state?

[Cutie18327]

I'm currently looking at schools for my 3 year old daughter, she turns 4 in August 2025 so is due to start reception in September 25.

My local schools are School 1 (RI juniors, but G infants), School 2 (me and hubby hated), School 3 (CoE, hard to get into). We are relatively comfortable financially but to afford private I would probably need to return to work full time. Now both myself and my husband are teachers so have a solid grasp of helping our children through their education, we can do extra curricular activities out of school, but I do worry about larger class sizes, behaviour and higher teacher turnover in the state schools. My daughter has already started on the basics in terms of phonics and numeracy and I want to nuture that instead of feeling like she will be pulled behind in a state class and a large class of 30....

My husband is against spending 40k (between 2 kids) on private education as we are aiming for grammar ultimately and would rather invest the money so we can live comfortably and provide our children with more opportunities further down the line.

Opinions? Does private really matter at primary age?

In my area, the state school kids are farrrrrrrr better behaved than the private school kids, and one of the private schools is considered one of the most prestigious in the UK! 🤣

I'm sorry but I don't believe Oxbridge to be the be all and end all so that argument is really not going to convince me that private is worth the money.

I was in the same boat 2 years ago and as we are/were both secondary teachers, all we'd seen was Y7s and wondered how some had arrived in such a bad state. We viewed the local private and it was incredible but we decided the numbers would only just work unless I went back FT, so we made a state application and put the outstanding primary as our first choice even though there was a snowball's chance of getting it. We got in.

If we had got a poor primary school via the state allocation, we would have found the money for the private school. DS really thrived in his primary school and so we left things as they are. His was an infants with an RI junior school so we planned to put him into private at the transition, but in the end we moved to a totally different school area and here, I've got one eye on putting him into the local public school but we're sticking with state until there's any sign that he's not thriving.

Also DS was August and we didn't defer him, he wasn't ahead with a lot of things but he really blossomed in reception and I'm glad he'll be on sports teams, in drama groups etc with children in his year group not outside it as he gets older.

I'm not suggesting this doesn't happen, I work with adults who didn't succeed in the school system, but also a lot of people do go to state school and do well. Not all schools are going to be a good fit for every child, but that applies to state and private. OP presumably isn't looking at every school in the UK. The focus needs to be which of the schools that OPs child could potentially go to would be best fit for her child, not on ruling out a whole chunk of potential schools just because they are "private" or "state".

What you believe , or if you think private school fees are 'worth it' isn't the point. I'm stating the fact private school gives 'ON AVERAGE' an advantage, the biggest advantage is the huge difference in pupil spend.

Oxford or Cambridge entry is a good metric of academic success. The graduates of the two Uni's are heavily overrepresented in the most competitive careers, be that acting or law or politics, a solid hard fact

• and private schools are heavily overrespresented in Oxbridge entry, another solid hard fact.

If you don't believe Oxbridge is the 'be all or end all' that's fine, but facts are facts- its a huge advantage in the job market for what are commonly called the 'top jobs'.

Is moving an option, do you live in a rough area?
Where I live the state secondaries are fantastic. Private would be a total waste of money, much better spent helping your child buy a house etc

If I lived in a tough area I can see why someone may go private.

You're both teachers? Well then why doesn't one of you just get a job in a nice local private school and therefore get a great fee discount?

I would be amazed if as 2 teachers you can properly fund private education x2 unless one of you works in private & gets a discount.

Well DH and I are both teachers, me primary and him secondary, I also have a masters. We have both worked in state and private.
Sent DD to state as..we are both teachers and can make up for any 'short fall'. DD can read at year 3 level already having just started reception.
We are lucky in that DH works in an outstanding secondary that people are desperate to get into and she will be guaranteed a place.
And to be honest... the parents in the private schools were absolutely entitled fucking arse holes and I'd never want DD to mix with any of their offspring.

@PrincessAnne4Eva ah this is good to hear, actually our local infants is lovely but with an RI juniors so moving in y3 could possibly be an option for us. Thank you for that.

@fashionqueen0123 not a rough area, it's a lovely area but we have 6 grammar schools in a 15 minute radius so the state schools end up with the lower ability. In my own school, the top end of applicants dissappear when they get their 11+ results.

@surreygirl1987 because neither of us want to work in a primary school.

@Thewholeplaceglitters we have other incomes.

Why is the C of E hard to get into? Because it's church or because of catchment? I hear this bandied around all the time where I live and people saying you need to go to church. You don't.

Would your child doing the grammar school tests be an option?

Whether I believe it is worth it or not is entirely the point, when OP is literally asking whether we think they will regret it or not. That is a subjective question in which people will vary in their views. You're entitled to disagree on whether you personally think they will regret it with your Oxbridge facts, that doesn't make my opinion invalid.

Clearly we're coming at this from different angles. You're saying private school will give OP child an advantage. Excuse my language, but no sh*t Sherlock.

OP is asking will they regret not sending their child to private school at this age, my response is no because there's absolutely no reason to suggest their child won't get on absolutely fine in a state school given that they have 2 teachers for parents who are clearly going to support their education. I'd prioritise the money on other things, personally (investing in the children's long term futures eg support to get on the property ladder).

Nobody can deny that a private school education will give children a leg up, for those who can afford it. For many though, that kind of investment won't actually be necessary as their child will get on absolutely fine in life through going to a state school. You're talking about Oxbridge, but there will only be a very small percentage of students in each year group across the whole country who have Oxbridge aspirations. Believe it or not, it's not what everyone wants out of life.

I would start at state and review before year 3. Most children go to state school and many are very successful - the parents make a huge difference

My daughter could read pretty fluently and write full sentences before she started reception. She went state. She was not dragged down, they adjusted and through her early years in the school joined a higher class for some of their reading and writing.

All 3 of my dc are in secondary school now. All did well in their SATs and all in top 1-2 sets for streamed subjects. Their secondary is also state and it is currently RI. However, it consistently gets very good academic results, it's 6th form have very, very good university outcomes including high numbers going to Oxbridge. Ofsted isn't the be all and end all.

Exact opposite in my area so I guess we shouldn't generalise

Always private if it’s an option. I went to both and my mediocre local private school was miles ahead of my grammar which was consistently in the top 10 state schools in the country.

I live in an area with mostly good state primary schools. But a couple are so good, that people rent near the school, then move out and send all their subsequent kids under the siblings rule, meaning the catchment area was tiny.

So DH and I decided to apply to 2 (luckily very good) private schools nearest us as back up. She got offered places at both, we chose one but still applied for our local state schools. She was allocated our fourth choice of state primary, despite being in walking distance from the other 3, much better schools.

But at that stage we could really judge between the two specific schools which made it much easier. I think private v state is not the real question. There are good and bad private schools and good and bad state schools and different schools suit different children. The real question is therefore specific school A v specific school B. So what I would do is apply for
both private and state, and then make your decision based on the specific schools she is offered.

A huge waste of money for primary in my humble opinion.

But importantly one has to apply to private schools BEFORE applying for state schools. OP- you cannot just hope that you will get the school you like and think it’s as straightforward as calling the private school the following day for a place. My DD had two rounds of assessment for both private schools and the offers were made a couple of months before the state school application time. Both private schools we applied to had waiting lists even after offering places, which are based on the previous assessments, and places would be allocated to those children over and above any new child calling up after getting into a state primary they didn’t want.

Oh yes, good point, I forgot to say that we were offered a place after a stay and play/nursery report in November for the private school before the state application cycle opened up in Feb, but we decided not to pursue a full application or pay a holding deposit. I got the impression they were holding the place for us because they weren't filling the pre-prep very quickly for last year's intake (they outright said they would leave the offer on the table and wait for us to decide). There isn't the same level of demand for private schools everywhere, so I imagine it depends on the school.

There are other factors at play here too. Over and above the school debate. You have to give weighting to the other factors such as you working FT to find the fees, and look at the difference in travel and wrap around options. If the private option is further away this also have a big knock on impact to your weekends and evenings as playdates and parties are all further away too.

In my experience of primary schools, being able to walk to school is the absolute winner. Having close local friends and neighbours who attend the same school is so beneficial, not only for lots of social opportunities but also for when you are ill or have problems getting back for pick up, and for when you have plays or fairs etc, just being able to nip back and forth is so much better than driving and all the drama of school parking.

Primary school is much more about things like harvest festivals and nativities, and as much about learning life skills like sharing and team work as it is about straightforward academics (which your DC will not be struggling with anyway).

If you need to up your hours at work to find the fees then you are probably putting yourself under quite a lot of pressure financially anyway (the people I know who pay for private are hugely subsidised by grandparents and investments). Add to that the fact that you will be less available and have to miss all plays, all trips, all fairs etc and for me the answer would be there regardless of the school.

Are you teachers in state or private?

What does this mean though? Miles ahead in what way? That cannot be stated as a consistent or evenly applied guarantee.

We have lots of friends and family with DC at private school and they all seem to have a much greater experience of poor mental health, eating disorders etc than we do at state. None of them have got results that are wildly out of kilter with what my state educated DC get/will get. They all have a lot less family time due to longer days and expectations of weekend sports fixtures etc, but their DC break up weeks before mine and therefore have a lot of unsupervised, unstructured time in the holidays.

They're miles ahead in terms of going on long haul sports tours (which you pay additionally for) and miles ahead in having to attend at weekends but they're definitely not necessarily miles ahead in terms of having happy, polite, well rounded children.

Daughter of a state secondary teacher and a uni lecturer here.

My priority for our DD’s school was pastoral care. School is a tiny element of learning and DD was (is) exceptionally bright. Wasn’t at all worried about her opportunities to learn and stretch through her own interests, but the culture and support in school, for me, would have the most impact on her.

She’s a voracious learner. But school taught her that everyone is different. They start at 3 here and she became fluent in a second language by 5 or 6 (Welsh medium school). She was supported to learn and was doing lower GCSE level maths by year 6 (despite Covid impacting year 5 and 6).

In year 7, it all fell apart. Secondary couldn’t sustain her trajectory, the demands highlighted the ADHD that was previously not a challenge because she was more naturally supported by her class teacher at primary.

The secondary threw everything at supporting her. The pastoral care was exceptional. She’s been back as a keen learner since year 8. I’ve been told there isn’t another school within 30 miles (state or private) that would have supported her like this.

My priority is that she always loves learning and knows how to do it for herself. She’s planning on taking additional GCSEs at home. She doesn’t know what she might want to do for work in future and is just absorbing everything she can about the world. It’s amazing to see.

We don’t pressure her. My mother was determined I’d never get less than 100% in anything and the pressure was extremely damaging to me (and my then undiagnosed ADHD) and our relationship.

Your little girl is 3. Your rigid expectations of school and her may well not come to fruition. Parent the child you have, not the one you think you should have. It will pay dividends in the end.