Class teacher lied about discriminating me based on my health condition

[Survivormummy]

Hi,
I recently had a chat with the KS1 Lead who is also my child's class teacher. Amongst other things that were discussed regarding my son, I found her to be extremely judgemental and condescending to me whilst my son was also with me at the time during hometime. My child is currently 5 years old. I stated that I do have a mental health condition of anxiety and depression and she snapped back at me saying that "you shouldn't come to collect your son and get someone else to come as he can feed off your anxiety". My son also has faced abuse and witnessed domestic abuse from a young age and I believe he does have some form of anxiety. Thankfully we fled a couple of years ago from the perpetrator. But I found her remark highly offensive and distressing. I believe this is discrimination as the teacher has no right to tell me as a single parent with a disability that I cannot pick my son up and judge me. I stressed I have no one else to collect him. My dad sometimes offers to help but I will be the primary person coming to collect and drop my son off at school.
I had a meeting with the acting headteacher to discuss the inappropriate comment the class teacher stated and she said that she would look into it. I had a meeting with the head today and she told me that the class teacher was really upset and that she didn't say that all! This is a lie. The head teacher made me feel as though it was my fault that the class teacher felt really bad. Imagine how I must have felt when she was discriminating against me for having a mental health disability.
I told the head that the ks1 class teacher was lying. The head snapped and said that she wasn't there. So basically it's her word against mine. The school favoured the staff teacher over me which I found to be unfair and unjust. I don't know what to do. I can't even go to collect my son anymore as I am scared of seeing her. Are the school trying to cover their backs? They have an Ofsted inspection due next year. I was made to feel like I misunderstood the teacher and that due to my anxiety I was overwhelmed. This is false. I was to feel like I was the liar. I clearly heard what the teacher said. What shall I do? Shall I leave it? I have no other proof as it was just myself, the class teacher and my 5 year old son present. Leaving me in a vulnerable position. How will I believe anything the class teacher tells me in the future? How can I face her? Please can someone help? What shall I do?
Thanks in advance

Sometimes teachers do sound a bit condescending, I think they struggle to or forget to take off their teacher voice when speaking to adults.

I think there is very little you can or should do in this situation. Move on and just pick your son up from school without fuss.

All the best.

Were you late and using your condition as a reason? Why was it coming up at all? It doesn't sound like discrimination more a suggestion.

I have to agree with this

I can't see nay discrimination. If your anxiety is affecting your child at pick up/drop off the advice makes sense.

It's half term of the very first term of his long school life and you are already falling out with them.

I also agree with @redskydarknight . It's like that old joke 'doctor it hurts when I do this. Well, don't do it then'

If you are finding the school runs difficult then it's a good idea. Especially if it's impacting your five year old.

The school favoured the staff teacher over me which I found to be unfair and unjust.

I don't even think they have favoured her.

And yes, you are going to have to face her. You don't need to have any more conversations though if you don't want. You could ask for all communications to be done via text or phone via the office. I've done that before.

Obviously you won't get the 'jack was brilliant in PE today' type of information but you will be given the important stuff. Parents evenings, assemblies, nativities, summer fairs, star of the week etc aren't compulsory. Don't go.

She's spending six hours a day with your infant child. You've called her a liar to her face and to her boss. There's no coming back from it really.

Mothers are treated poorly in this society and what that teacher said to you was completely inappropriate and insensitive.

You are a single parent with mental health problems having experienced what sounds like significant trauma. Of course you are going to feel discriminated against.

I would keep her at arms length from now on.

I don't think your five year old should know that you have anxiety and depression. Perhaps the teacher felt flustered with you bringing this up in front of your son, he is very young to already be aware of this

She is not 'that' parent. She has anxiety and depression resulting from domestic abuse until a couple of years ago.

She is likely to get better with support over time.

Regarding the issue, why posters are missing that op told teacher she has no other option to pick up her child.

If teacher used the words op wrote here, she was not offering advice with kindness.

" You shouldn't come to collect your son and get someone else to come as he can feed off your anxiety."

Does not sound very nice.

I agree op should have let it go and continue collecting her child but we can't gaslight op that as she is anxious so she has got everything wrong.

Whenever you decide to complain about something, you have to decide what you want the result to be. Otherwise, it is a waste of time for you and everyone else involved.

What do you want to get out of this situation? What is the perfect end result in your eyes?

You need to be realistic about this and be aware that what you have described doesn’t sound like discrimination.

@Daisydaisydaizee right but she posted this yesterday got no responses so posted it again today. Also she posted about how her child's nursery teachers were ignoring her and that that was also discrimination. She said her child has gone to the nursery attached to the school he's now at.

So in 1.5 years she's had an issue with his key worker at nursery and now his class teacher in reception.

It's not gaslighting to suggest that the common denominator is op

I get the sense a back-story / context is being left out here.
I could understand it being applicable to touch on your own anxiety if it was a conversation about difficulties at drop-off ….
But I don’t understand why your MH has anything to do with pick-ups…unless it’s that the massive back-story that’s being omitted is that she asked why you’re always late, and you cited this as the ‘reason’.

As someone with a diagnosed SMI (severe mental illness) condition (hospital stays, 6 meds a day etc) plus a history of a lot of recent trauma, but who manages to do all school runs on time and get to work, it boils my piss when some people automatically go into defensive “it’s cos of my mental elf” mode as soon as someone gently challenges them about anything. It gives the rest of us a bad name, and dilutes what people think of as reasonable adjustments.

Do tell us, OP - what was the catalyst for this little chat at home-time? Why was your “disability” (emotional struggles) relevant to the discussion, if it wasn’t around the teacher asking why you were late?

Regarding the issue, why posters are missing that op told teacher she has no other option to pick up her child

I haven't missed it.

We don't know what the conversation leading up to this was.

If the op gets PIP and the school run is something that is making her mental health worse then this is the sort of thing that PIP can be used for,

Everyone ganged up on OP, so she did not come back. This does not mean she is not innocent Detective Sherlock..

The teacher simply seems to be putting your son's needs first and giving you a little advice as to what might help. It's of course your choice if you agree with that, but she hasn't been mean or rude and she certainly hasn't discriminated against you in any way.
I think because of what you've been through you are bound to be feeling quite vulnerable and to find things like this difficult at times. Are you having and therapy or anything to help you?

A lot of the language in your thread is quite highly charged and dramatic. If that is how you presented the situation to the head teacher then you lost your cause before you even started.
if you have had bad experiences before then it can make you very ready to see the negative in situations and not listen to the subtleties behind what someone if trying to say. It could make you get your hackles up if someone says a sentence a bit wrong, even if their overall intent was not that bad.
You have a child that you need to teach how to assess situations, and how to look for compromise and positive solutions.
It might be worth reading up on Borderline Personality Disorder. It describes a set of characteristics that can make it hard to function in life. I realise that I am massively stretching what you said in your thread, but there might be some parts of it that ring a bell.

You need to let this go.

Maybe the teacher is right, your ds will feed off your anxiety. I would do everything in my power to prove her wrong.

And I should add that I hate the phrase ‘Personality Disorder’. I think it makes it sound instantly judgemental/ awful. In reality it describes some characteristics that people do not want for themselves, that screw up their relationships and which generally come from some pretty awful things in their past.
I suggest learning about it on a positive way, as it can help explain why some people respond the way they do, gives it a name, and because it can absolutely be helped with the right therapy.

It really sounds like a mis understanding. What was the context in which she made the comment?
It's an odd comment to come from nowhere.

Could you arrange different pick up arrangements, maybe you could get leeway to arrive 10 minutes later than other parents ? Other schools have allowed one child to leave 5 minutes earlier than others.

what happens that teacher doesn't like, is it something that happens when you pick up your son at end of school day?

I wondered if your son goes from being calm & content enough about going-home-time, to kicking off in a way that might be bad for many people, at going home time. Not because he's unhappy to see you but something else about the combined situation, all the people, overwhelmed by transition or general excitement, etc.

I can't comment on what teacher did or didn't say to you, but it doesn't sound like a productive way for you to help your son in short or long run to pursue a dispute with that teacher.

Firstly OP I am sorry to hear about what you have been through in the past. That is understandably going to impact how you interpret certain conversations and situations, and it really does sound like this is what has happened here. I do think some posters have been quite unkind in their replies, given your mental health issues, but I'm afraid I agree that you have not been discriminated against.

The teacher gave some advice to try and help the situation. They haven't said you can't pick your son up. You have interpreted this advice as discrimination and have made a complaint, so it's understandable the teacher is shocked and taken aback by what you are accusing them of when that was not their intention. Are you sure they are actually denying they suggested someone else picks him up, or are they denying they have discriminated against you? They haven't, so they would be right there. If I was that teacher, I would be mortified that my advice was taken in such a way and has caused such upset. I am not surprised the school are 'siding' with their staff member. Frustrating as it is for you, they have no evidence they have behaved inappropriately. What outcome were you hoping for by complaining? They can't take disciplinary action on your interpretation of events alone.

It sounds to me like you need a sit down meeting with both the headteacher and class teacher for them to explain why you were given such advice, and how you can all work together to resolve this issue and help your son, going forward. As a teacher myself, I would absolutely be up for a meeting in such circumstances as you can't simply leave things as they are, dragging on with bad feelings and misinderstandings. It's not good for you or your son and no doubt the teacher won't be keen for this situation to linger either.

I sincerely hope you are all able to draw a line under this soon and make a fresh start, for everybody's sake.

Previous posts by the OP were about a similar scenario at nursery ... she fell out with staff because she reckoned they were saying something wrong or looking at her the wrong way.

I honestly can't imagine teachers and nursery staff have time to go around looking at parents in a funny way or saying something 'off' just to create a drama - they've got far more important things to do.

Neither would they start talking about a parents' anxiety/ mental health etc unless it was having a detrimental impact on the situation.

Sounds like the OP is the one with the issue here

Because frankly the OP's whole narrative displays that she's not a reliable narrator. The chances that both the class teacher and the head "snapped" at her, the framing of advice as "discrimination". The focus on "lying" when it seems pretty clear from an outside perspective that in fact OP has massively over interpreted a fairly reasonable suggestion.

Why were you having a conversation about your mental health? You have left out all the context to this interaction. I wonder why.

She could have been saying it to be supportive. She'll be concerned about your son. Of course she's upset you complained about her and asked head to investigate. All that time spent on whether a parent was upset or not. Parents tend to stew on things and how awful schools are to parents etc