Class teacher lied about discriminating me based on my health condition

[Survivormummy]

Hi,
I recently had a chat with the KS1 Lead who is also my child's class teacher. Amongst other things that were discussed regarding my son, I found her to be extremely judgemental and condescending to me whilst my son was also with me at the time during hometime. My child is currently 5 years old. I stated that I do have a mental health condition of anxiety and depression and she snapped back at me saying that "you shouldn't come to collect your son and get someone else to come as he can feed off your anxiety". My son also has faced abuse and witnessed domestic abuse from a young age and I believe he does have some form of anxiety. Thankfully we fled a couple of years ago from the perpetrator. But I found her remark highly offensive and distressing. I believe this is discrimination as the teacher has no right to tell me as a single parent with a disability that I cannot pick my son up and judge me. I stressed I have no one else to collect him. My dad sometimes offers to help but I will be the primary person coming to collect and drop my son off at school.
I had a meeting with the acting headteacher to discuss the inappropriate comment the class teacher stated and she said that she would look into it. I had a meeting with the head today and she told me that the class teacher was really upset and that she didn't say that all! This is a lie. The head teacher made me feel as though it was my fault that the class teacher felt really bad. Imagine how I must have felt when she was discriminating against me for having a mental health disability.
I told the head that the ks1 class teacher was lying. The head snapped and said that she wasn't there. So basically it's her word against mine. The school favoured the staff teacher over me which I found to be unfair and unjust. I don't know what to do. I can't even go to collect my son anymore as I am scared of seeing her. Are the school trying to cover their backs? They have an Ofsted inspection due next year. I was made to feel like I misunderstood the teacher and that due to my anxiety I was overwhelmed. This is false. I was to feel like I was the liar. I clearly heard what the teacher said. What shall I do? Shall I leave it? I have no other proof as it was just myself, the class teacher and my 5 year old son present. Leaving me in a vulnerable position. How will I believe anything the class teacher tells me in the future? How can I face her? Please can someone help? What shall I do?
Thanks in advance

You can still collect your child.

Let the head know that you will not be in a 1:1 situation with that teacher ever again and will require a 3rd party present in the event of any future meetings because you will not put yourself in a position of being accused of lying again.

They don't get to choose to only have children in their school whose lives are uncomplicated and whose parents have no problems. If that's what they want they are in the wrong job.

You can still collect your child.

Let the head know that you will not be in a 1:1 situation with that teacher ever again and will require a 3rd party present in the event of any future meetings because you will not put yourself in a position of being accused of lying again.

They don't get to choose to only have children in their school whose lives are uncomplicated and whose parents have no problems. If that's what they want they are in the wrong job.

I don't think it's trying to cover their backs.
The headteacher has asked the class teacher. Class teacher has denied it. More likely than not Headteacher also had a chat about how inappropriate it would be to say such a thing and be careful about anything similar in thr future.
The ht cannot take further action due to the lack of independent evidence.

Well, there is no evidence either way, so the HT can only go on the balance of probabilities. If the teacher has stated that you misinterpreted what she said, then I would expect the HT to accept that - it would be utterly inappropriate for her to accept serious unsubstantiated allegations against her staff simply on the say-so of a parent.

It sounds like you have had a very tough time, and you are still struggling with the aftermath of what must have been a very traumatic experience. Gently, I would suggest that this might make you overly sensitive to perceived aggression and/or criticism when it isn't actually present. It seems unlikely that both the class teacher and the HT would have "snapped" at you. If I had to bet on it, I would assume that you had misunderstood what the teacher was trying to say.

Either way, it is in your interests to work with your child's teacher and not against her. It is not in your child's interests to allow this relationship to break down. Unless you are willing to move your child to a different school (and it doesn't sound like further disruption would be in his best interests), I would be inclined to apologise to the class teacher and say that you must have misunderstood (even if you are still convinced that you didn't), and to ask that you start again with a clean slate. Going through the rest of the year in "fight" mode is not going to benefit anyone.

The most important thing here is your ds's education. Don't allow your indignation about a perceived criticism from the teacher get in the way of a positive working relationship with the school. It isn't worth it.

Sounds like a massive load of context is missing.

What do you want to achieve telling Ofsted - that they said you should find someone else to drop your son off so that he doesn't feed off of your anxiety. It sounds like sound advice, if given in a bad tone.

The teacher didn't tell you that you couldn't pick up your child. she suggested that if you were very anxious it might be better to get someone else to do this.

How exactly do you think this is discrimination?

Why did you mention your mental health condition in the first place? Was it relevant to something else in the conversation?

This by a million.
Really odd behaviour from you op and your son is only little and tiu have managed to destroy your relationship with his school where he is going be for the next 8 years!
Bonkers behaviour on your part.

What has been happening at collection time which has led her to comment "you shouldn't come to collect your son and get someone else to come as he can feed off your anxiety"?

Are you the person who was on here a couple of weeks ago saying you have to wait in the car due to your disability and the school is no longer letting your older child collect the younger one and walk him to the car?

Just to add, several years ago, I had to deal with a parent who was causing a lot of difficulties dropping off a year 1 child at school. The mother was crying loudly about having to leave her child at school, the child was picking up on this and often started screaming, mother clinging on to the child etc.
The headteacher and I had to suggest that someone else drop the child off at school because the mother was struggling with leaving her child due to the mother's anxiety. The grandmother started to drop the child off and the mornings ran smoothly from then on in.

I would suspect that if a school has had to make a comment like this, that there are difficulties at collection time causing disruption/disturbance.

Could you actually have misinterpreted what she said - you say I have anxiety and depression - she says perhaps it would be better to get someone else to collect him ( meaning it may be better for both of you ) . Frankly it’s a weird thing to say to a teacher at home time and you’ve already taken it way too far . Nobody has been discriminated against .

Op what were you hoping the outcome would be from the first conversation with the teacher?
It sounds like you are struggling with pick up (and maybe so is your son) - you didn't like their suggestion that arrangements be made for someone else to do pick ups, what solution were you hoping they would offer??

You must have had some sense of an outcome you were looking for, what was it?

Why does no one believe the op that the teacher lied. She did say it (whether it's a comment or discrimination is another matter) and then claimed she didn't. So she's a liar? And that's ok?

Agree not discrimination. The teacher may have overstepped if she suggested it might be better for you not to collect your ds but it may have been well intended if it stresses you and him out. Why were you speaking to the teacher in the first place? Maybe take a deep breath and go back to that issue itself. Agree with pp you have at least another 12 years of his schooling to negotiate and this level of reaction to casual remarks is not sustainable. Maybe take someone with you to future conversations and not have your ds present.

The teacher give you unhelpful and ignorant advice and the head is gaslighting you, all very damaging for someone with depression and anxiety, and also in charge of a 5 year old.

You said the school is due an ofsted inspection, I’d make a formal complaint so it’s all on file for ofsted to see the damaging way these so called professionals go about dealing with parents, with enough already on their plate. A comment like that could really cause a lot of damage to an already vulnerable person.

Sounds like there is an issue at drop off or pick up time that us distressing your child, is that right? Is it that he doesn't want to be parted from you or something like that?

I agree that it's strange that you should volunteer your own medical history to your son's teacher. However, alongside her observations - perhaps a change in your sons behaviour at pick up and drop off that it would indeed benefit your son if someone else could do pick up and drop off. You've stated that no-one else can do this, so that's the end of it. Life isn't perfect and you're doing the best you can. Surely no-one holds that against you. What I fail to see is how you've been discriminated against. The teacher has offered you good advice wich because of circumstances you are unable to follow. She's likely trying to help and is understandably upset that this has resulted in a huge fuss, a formal complaint and words like 'discrimination' being banded about. Not everyone is your enemy OP.

OP complained that the teacher told her she couldn't pick her son up and judged her.

However even in OP's own rendering of what was said, there is no evidence of this.

Probably because the OP has not mentioned what preceeded that particular comment or why the teacher would be angry enough to snap. When that happens it's usually done to hide something which wouldn't put the OP in a good/innocent light.

Also you’ve come on mumsnet for advice, do you know how many teachers and former teachers are on here ? A lot.. Most won’t give you a un- biased opinion.

Teachers really only care about covering their own backs and the reputation of the school that employs them.

What terribly aggressive advice. There is no upside for OP to being confrontational about it - she and her child have many years at that school. If a formal meeting is needed in the future then that would be the time to think about having someone else there if necessary. Your approach is just pointlessly inflammatory.

Move on.

Dealing with things like this take staff away from educating.

What were you speaking to the teacher about? Do you think you might have taken things more harshly than they were intended? Do you have a diagnosis of BPD/EUPD at all?
I think you are best off putting it behind you, give yourself a couple of weeks and then start collecting him again.

From your posting history you had issues at the nursery because a staff member looked at you the wrong way or blanked you and that was apparently also discrimination. Now it’s happened again with another school and another teacher. The common denominator is you I’m afraid. And she probably did have a point if you were displaying signs of anxiety and it was rubbing off on your DS, it probably would be better to get someone else to do pick up if you can.

Yes because calling someone with depression and anxiety “bonkers” is really helpful, and not discriminatory at all.

Is it possible she was perhaps a tiny bit short with you because on pickup you were holding up 29 other parents while you regaled the teacher with your MH struggles? And maybe she wanted you to take the hint so everyone else could get their child in a timely manner?