Disheartening parents evening

[SillyBear1]

Hi,

We’ve just had our first parents evening of Reception and I’m feeling a bit disheartened by it (although obviously keeping this to myself and not telling DS!)

DS is 4, will be 5 early next year. He’s attended nursery and their attached pre-school since around 10 months old. He’s never had any concerns raised from them or health visitors - our last parents evening from pre-school lasted all of a couple of minutes where she just told us he was great and a HV’s feedback was that she hadn’t heard a child speak as well as he can, for years.

He’s a wonderful boy and I tell him everyday how proud I am of him and that all I want is for him to try his best but I felt something wasn’t communicating from home/school.
School graded him as being in the ‘birth to 3’ category for pretty much everything and there was lots said that he couldn’t do that he can and has been able to do for a very long time (recognising his name as a basic example).

They said he can’t blend his phonics (although does recognise them) but he reads these no issue at home. They’ve put him into a very small ‘support’ group for phonics now and he’ll be getting books with no words in. I don’t want to overface him and put him off so I appreciate this but a small part of me feels disappointed.

They also said his fine motor skills are poor and he cannot grasp scissors or hold a pencil so they’ve moved him down a step but didn’t seem to say what this would entail. He’s shown no preference for a dominant hand in writing and his pictures are all just scribble still with no clear shapes. They said we should use play dough or colanders at home.
He’s never shown an interest in drawing at home even though we’ve offered it alongside crafts. We’ve printed out pictures of different characters he might like and given him these to colour which keeps his attention a bit more.

He’s formed a close friendship with another boy but he’s quiet and the pair of them would stay in one area of the classroom all day if they could. He’s coming across as quite shy and I don’t know if that’s why what he can do isn’t coming across at school.

There were 2 big learning diary books showing off what the class had been doing and it was full of answers/comments from the same children and DS barely featured.

He’s such an imaginative and funny little boy who never stops talking at home. He questions everything and has so much knowledge about the world (his memory is also incredible). He loves reading and we’ve read to him every night since before he was born.

I have noticed however that when we’re present, he refuses to speak to whoever else is around - tonight for example, he refused to speak to the teacher and just sat hiding himself on us. He would also do this at pre-school, refuse to speak to the staff at drop off/pick up when we were there.
He also doesn’t seem to enjoy group activities but will play lovely on smaller terms e.g. we took him to a football club last year but he refused to get involved at all and just jumped around in front of me making loud noises, telling the adults ‘no’ if they tried to encourage him.

I’ve fell down an overthinking hole - not because I want to be a pushy parent or pressure him (!) - just through wanting to support him and I know it’s only early and they develop at different times.
I’m questioning whether it’s very simply that he’s only 4, it’s new and he’s a bit shy, but then I have other silly thoughts wondering if pre-school have missed something or I’ve not been good enough in some way.

Is there anything else I can be doing to help him? I just want him to be happy at school but making sure if he needs any help, we’re there for him.

I had this OP, and by the next year it was all good. I remember worrying and writing a long post about it. But a year of proper schooling did the trick

They said he can’t blend his phonics

FFS - he is 4!!!!

Just ignore them and go on doing what you are doing: loving him up and bolstering his ego at every opportunity. They have boxes to tick, but your son is not a tick box - he is a wee man just setting out on life.

This bloody national curriculum is not about humans at all. Just make sure your lad has lots of fun in his life.

And incidentally, one of my DDs went to a Steiner school for the first 3 years of her education - they did not even look at letters/phonics/reading etc. She is an adult now with a good degree and a good job.

Don't let these buggers grind you down - be proud of your lovey son!

Please please just enjoy your little boy!
I remember feeling like this after a primary school parents’ evening 16 years ago. It was an average small state school. The teacher was kind but fairly negative about my daughter’s Key stage 1 SATS in maths and included the phrase ‘but we do have some very bright children in this class’ as a consolation (!)

I remember feeling very worried but we made up our minds to encourage her in what she enjoyed.

Fast forward 15 years and she graduated as Top Tripos from Cambridge (although not in Maths haha). I sometimes think how negative that teacher was and how glad I was we trusted our gut instinct that our wonderful little girl was doing absolutely fine.

Trust yourself and enjoy your son.

I empathize OP!

It's so early to suddenly be triggered into a life of worry. All I can say is-
I was over sensitive about my ds at this age.
I wish now that I had become more robust more quickly.

School is looking at averages and can't be precious about individuals, they have to be unsentimental don't they?

What I think is most important is your face, worry free, expressing your love for him and separating love for him and your anxiety about finger dexterity issues etc.

Time spent building skills is just that. And your joy in time with him is just that. If a child feels that love has to be earned then surely the pressure might be too great?

Just be practical and pro active and let him know you love him for him regardless. But do praise effort.

I don't think Einstein spoke til he was 5.

My ds is now an amazing professional with qualifications and I agonized over his low key performance in primary school.

Honestly it's about love and being practical. We shouldn't need to be stressed that they need to acquire skills do we? But I totally get how you feel.

There is not much wrong with the EY curriculum but parents don’t have to be told the blunt details of assessment quite so quickly because it can only be a snapshot. He’s been screened and that’s about it

Many schools give presentations on teaching reading and give parents a curriculum overview. Seems this school takes introduction to school lightly. Odd that dc visit in the evening.

Also if nursery is in the school (private school if they take babies?) why on earth didn’t the YR teacher know these dc before they arrived? Surely the EY team would work together? Or are these comments based on info from nursery? I knew what the nursery EY curriculum was for my DDs so I had some idea of how they were getting on. I’m surprised YR info being a surprise!

Is this a high achieving private school?

He's 4 and probably overwhelmed with school, probably uniform, new children, new adults.

I've just had a flashback to when I firs started school and we spent a lot of time tracing pictures, now I think that must have been for fine muscle control.

I think I'd be filming him putting his shoes on and reading, not to go in all 'that parent' but just to say look he can do this.

Following the Einstein comment Leonardo de Vinci wrote in mirror writing.
Nothing to do with DS but had there been parents evenings when they were 4 they may have been quite awry
Hope you are not worrying too much even though I would have felt upset too.💐

All sounds a bit odd. He has just started school. My priority would be to talk about how well he has settled in and has he any friends. Is he a happy little boy.Can he sit still and enjoy a story? Can he recognise colours or some initial sounds. Can he share a book and talk about what is happening? Can he undress and dress himself for PE type activities? Don’t worry! When he is running the country you will be laughing at this meeting.

DS was a quiet (in school), somewhat overlooked little boy who preferred being in small groups Vs big ones and got little teacher attention at that age! He wasn't good with pens or scissors and hated to draw - that did turn out to be hypermobility in his hands. He kept enjoying reading and learning and got straight As at GCSE and A level and is now v happy at Uni.
Keep doing what you are doing and it's likely he will continue to blossom.

Not helpful at all, but I'm shocked at how much they expect of a reception child nowadays!!
My two are 19&23 so way past that point.
But really?
All of the DC in reception when mine started were on picture books and I'd bet that only a few of them could count backwards!!

What are we expecting from our children?

At least the first term should surely just focus on settling in , finding their feet and finding the toilet!!

I find it so sad that the system is becoming so rigid so young.

One of mine is a very late August baby and could barely recognise shapes and colours when she started, part time.
She's now just starting her second year at uni so all is not lost

Are you or he hypermobile very bendy? Seek referral to OT for assessment this one is very friendly and identifies if gross or fine motor issues needing support www.otforkids.co.uk/services/assessments/movement-abc.php

@TizerorFizz Thank you. I appreciate how difficult a job teaching is - it seems to have become less about teaching and more about paperwork and documenting everything nowadays IMO. I know they have boxes to tick and if he hadn’t shown it, they can’t say it happened, it just made me feel so sad for him that it’s all there on paper that he can’t, when I know he can. I’m definitely not someone whose child is always right and school are wrong though!

Nursery was a private one not attached to the school. It’s out of our local area as I worked close by to it at the time. Our DD is there currently. The baby room there is wonderful; experienced staff who are parents and they seem to do a lot with them but we did have some concerns coming towards the end of pre-school which were never a problem before (high staff turnover, not seeming to be able to understand what it was they actually did there all day and DS getting hurt which no one seemed to see).

DS’ teacher went to visit him at pre-school once to meet him. I worried for ages about him coming from an out of area nursery and not knowing anyone whereas there are a few children who knew each other from football (the club he refused to partake in I mentioned earlier) or from the pre-school nearby. Pre-school isn’t attached to them or affiliated with them but a few children went there.
The little boy he’s friends with is lovely and very much like my DS. She told us they love playing in the construction area and would be there together all day if it was allowed.

School itself is just a state school but is Ofsted outstanding so they have high expectations I think (I know Ofsted isn’t everything!)

He’s used to much longer days as nursery/pre-school were 7:45am to 5:45pm but I do worry about his confidence as I can see that he would go into himself when he’s not comfortable. Any suggestions as to how I can build his confidence? As I said, we’ve tried football but he wouldn’t leave me, sat on the side and just jumped about being really silly. I do wonder if this ‘silly’ behaviour was his way of expressing discomfort.

DD does a weekly dance class and he’s expressed an interest in that but I suggested DH take him along to the last week and he refused saying he wouldn’t join in and he can’t watch the pair of them! That makes it a bit of a bigger battle as DH is often reluctant to try as he’s already of the opinion he won’t, whereas I always encourage him to at least try.

We had a bit of a chat this morning (after he put his own shoes on with the Velcro and did his coat zip up which they said he couldn’t!) and he told me he liked learning more with me as it’s more fun and he wished I could keep him at home with me. I validated how he was feeling but also explained I would always be coming back for him and the grown ups at school would keep him safe and help him too.

Ever since he was born, he’s always been with me and very attached to me which I wonder may play into things? Obviously he was born just before the lockdowns started so he only had me as DH started a new job the week he was born so didn’t get any paternity leave. It’s taken until about the last few months before he’s been more accepting of DH doing anything with or for him as before he’d scream for me and insist it had to be me.

That and he will readily say he can’t do something before even trying whereas I gently encourage him and he then starts laughing once he knows he can and I rumbled him!

At his pre-school there was a little boy who had SEN but was a year older as his parents deferred him from school. He could lash out a lot and hurt DS a few times which did make him more nervous. There’s a little boy at his school who is similar and apparently hurts children/doesn’t share and he’s also mentioned before he doesn’t want to go to school because of him. He did get put onto half days for a while but is full time now.

Just thinking out loud - there could be all kinds of factors. Thank you all for sharing more of your own experiences with me, your children all sound wonderful and have so much to be proud of!

He’s so young and he sounds absolutely lovely. Don’t worry about it. The teachers do what they have to do. They can’t assess him as able to do something if they haven’t got the evidence for it.

He will get more comfortable and confident with time. Enjoy him! They don’t stay little for long.

Is he your first child?
I’m only asking because I have 3 children, 2 are summer born (may-July).
I remember when our oldest started school I really panicked, he seemed to struggle with so much, his speech wasn’t great but not bad enough for a therapist etc
i wasn’t very kind to myself, I was supportive to him but really thought I must be a terrible mum and should have somehow done more.
My next one went to school (Autumn born) and he sailed through and my smallest has now just started reception.
i had parents evening this week, and have been told there are some phonic sounds they can’t do, they don’t like to sit still and would rather be outside playing then doing group work.
i promise it all comes out in the wash, my oldest who I worried about so much at the start is flourishing in highschool and is where he should be, he is funny and smart and just an awesome person.
I said to the the teacher about my 4 year old that as long as he’s kind, has friends, can take turns, goes to the toilet unaided and can put his coat etc on then I’m not too worried about the school side. Lots of countries don’t do formal schooling until older, and honestly at 4 years old I’m not surprised mine prefers to be outside.
My advise is to take whatever support that is offered but also don’t stress too much about it, they are still small at this age. Give yourself a pat on the back for all that he does well and he really will catch up at some point, I would say year 3 was the year I didn’t see so much of a difference between my summer born eldest and his peers.

My ds is 4 and in reception in the highest achieving primary in our city. My older children also went there and most children leave exceeding expectations. They have only this week started sending home books - the ones with no words. I am not panicking at all and don't think you should either!

Your school sounds quite academic focused. My DS is in year 1 but at this point last year they had only just started phonics and only just started getting reading books, so not being able to blend would not be an issue. My DS in year 1 has just been doing 1 more and 1 less as a whole class activity.

It can be hard when they don't advocate for themselves or show what they are capable of, but those skills are still there even if they aren't letting the teacher know! My DS was sad tonight because he got his maths wrong because he wrote in the wrong boxes (he can easily do the sums) but wouldn't tell the TA this. Hopefully your DS will gradually grow in confidence and show what he can do.

I was upset after the first Reception parents evening where I was told about everything that my DS could be doing better. This was a well behaved 4-year old who could read before starting school but had trouble concentrating on the carpet and tired easily when writing. Looking back I can see this was ridiculous over expectation for a summer-born 4-year old but at the time it was a brutal reality check. I am now significantly more battle hardened. Another difficulty is the contrast with Nursery where they want to tell you good things about your child, as ultimately they want your money, whereas schools (especially Ofsted Outstanding) want your kid to do better as they want results. Maybe I am over cynical but I think this is an important distinction. OP if your gut feeling is that your child is capable you are probably right so try not to worry (and steel yourself for next time).

This thread is a few days old, but isn’t it a good thing that they’re offering support in specific areas?

I have an autistic 3 year old, and hope that he can defer a year, but I’d be overjoyed if that’s all I had to worry about.

Was your son very articulate at an unusually young age? Does he struggle socially? I would have high functioning autism and dyspraxia at the back of my mind of that were my child, but maybe I would just be hyper-vigilant, given that I have a steeper hill to climb with my DC.

He sounds like a great kid though so I wouldn’t worry too much.

Oh wow @ByTealShaker you are one of them baring the burden parents. You have a 'steeper hill to climb' do you? Well you didn't need to break off your journey to be rude.

He sounds very similar to my youngest. The Orchard Toy games were recommended to me to help his development at that age. I found they were a great way of us playing together for a short period of time every day, where he was also learning via the game. I’m sure your child will progress at his own pace with your support.

www.orchardtoys.com/?gad_source=1&gclid=Cj0KCQjwyL24BhCtARIsALo0fSCCW7LH_DBHLMYRrTQtAObPhYRmdEfFEjB24xOsxozLyb9C-KPuQJAaAmdfEALw_wcB

They’ve put him into a very small ‘support’ group for phonics now and he’ll be getting books with no words in. that's not a bad thing though?

Don't worry. I've listened to many comments from school on my children. Quite often I wondered who they were talking about. (Actually once it was another child). Always wanted to meet the teacher whose opinion of one child was 'too smiley to ever be taken seriously'. She's now a hospital consultant.
Those children have experienced same re their children ( my grandchildren).
You know your child best, not someone who's only experienced them as part of a large group for a short time
I think there's too much trying to fit square pegs into round holes.

I am just following with interest because everything you’ve said is exactly like my 2 year old.

@SillyBear1 I think confidence comes with doing well, feeling secure and having friends. It’s early days for all of this.

My DD1 actually started school with several dc who could read. She was a mid August birthday and got reading books after 3 weeks. Several in the class went on to get top marks in our 11 plus. Many highly educated parents had high achieving DC here! I thought mine was behind.

What schools must do is educate all dc. The very bright and those that need a bit of help to get started. Dc don’t all learn as one big group together and need different strategies. At least the school is doing this.

I think DS has a very strong attachment to you. Did nursery not do a EY curriculum that was discussed with you? Do you have an outline curriculum from YR?

Also assessment is not tick box. Having been a school governor I know teachers agonize about this. They really do. I think you need to persuade DS that school is non negotiable and that doing what’s he’s asked is non negotiable too. You don’t want to hear he’s not done something.Try and get him to take part at school because he wants to please you. There are loving ways to say this but you might have to.