Disheartening parents evening

[SillyBear1]

Hi,

We’ve just had our first parents evening of Reception and I’m feeling a bit disheartened by it (although obviously keeping this to myself and not telling DS!)

DS is 4, will be 5 early next year. He’s attended nursery and their attached pre-school since around 10 months old. He’s never had any concerns raised from them or health visitors - our last parents evening from pre-school lasted all of a couple of minutes where she just told us he was great and a HV’s feedback was that she hadn’t heard a child speak as well as he can, for years.

He’s a wonderful boy and I tell him everyday how proud I am of him and that all I want is for him to try his best but I felt something wasn’t communicating from home/school.
School graded him as being in the ‘birth to 3’ category for pretty much everything and there was lots said that he couldn’t do that he can and has been able to do for a very long time (recognising his name as a basic example).

They said he can’t blend his phonics (although does recognise them) but he reads these no issue at home. They’ve put him into a very small ‘support’ group for phonics now and he’ll be getting books with no words in. I don’t want to overface him and put him off so I appreciate this but a small part of me feels disappointed.

They also said his fine motor skills are poor and he cannot grasp scissors or hold a pencil so they’ve moved him down a step but didn’t seem to say what this would entail. He’s shown no preference for a dominant hand in writing and his pictures are all just scribble still with no clear shapes. They said we should use play dough or colanders at home.
He’s never shown an interest in drawing at home even though we’ve offered it alongside crafts. We’ve printed out pictures of different characters he might like and given him these to colour which keeps his attention a bit more.

He’s formed a close friendship with another boy but he’s quiet and the pair of them would stay in one area of the classroom all day if they could. He’s coming across as quite shy and I don’t know if that’s why what he can do isn’t coming across at school.

There were 2 big learning diary books showing off what the class had been doing and it was full of answers/comments from the same children and DS barely featured.

He’s such an imaginative and funny little boy who never stops talking at home. He questions everything and has so much knowledge about the world (his memory is also incredible). He loves reading and we’ve read to him every night since before he was born.

I have noticed however that when we’re present, he refuses to speak to whoever else is around - tonight for example, he refused to speak to the teacher and just sat hiding himself on us. He would also do this at pre-school, refuse to speak to the staff at drop off/pick up when we were there.
He also doesn’t seem to enjoy group activities but will play lovely on smaller terms e.g. we took him to a football club last year but he refused to get involved at all and just jumped around in front of me making loud noises, telling the adults ‘no’ if they tried to encourage him.

I’ve fell down an overthinking hole - not because I want to be a pushy parent or pressure him (!) - just through wanting to support him and I know it’s only early and they develop at different times.
I’m questioning whether it’s very simply that he’s only 4, it’s new and he’s a bit shy, but then I have other silly thoughts wondering if pre-school have missed something or I’ve not been good enough in some way.

Is there anything else I can be doing to help him? I just want him to be happy at school but making sure if he needs any help, we’re there for him.

This sounds so familiar to me. Our DS was one child at home and then another child in a large classroom.

It turned out, in our case, that DS was overwhelmed in large groups and noisy environments. We moved him to a smaller school and - like magic - the whole situation changed. They came to see him as we saw him at home, and he blossomed.

He sounds like a blend of my 2 kids!

Oldest would never have chosen to pick up a crayon and scribble/colour/write. He is about to sit his GCSE's. He has dysgraphia, which makes the whole writing thing hard - writing, spelling, copying.... He is also Mr Sociable, and it was crystal clear verbally he could do stuff, just not transfer it to paper. He still makes a hatchet job look neat if you let him loose with scissors and wrapping paper!

His younger brother won't say anything unless he is comfortable in the situation. He doesn't speak up in class, just puts his head down, and gets everything on paper. He's probably slightly brighter than his brother, but I'm not sure how much of it gets overlooked because he doest put himself out there.

I think if, like it sounds with your son, you combined a reluctance to write (and aged 4, this really isn't unusual for boys) with a shy nature, it could quite easily lead to an incorrect conclusion they were struggling.

You know he can do this stuff. Keep working on it, keep working on the confidence. See how school goes. It is very early in the year. Maybe make an appointment to speak to the teacher nearer Xmas, and see how things are - with proof from home about what he can achieve in an environment he is comfortable in if you can.

My son was similar at the start of reception - teacher described this quiet, shy boy who barely said anything, didn't get involved, never spoke up, couldn't hold a pencil etc. It was so unlike what he was like at home, and I felt frustrated they couldn't see him do all the things he did at home and how fabulous he was. Around February in reception (just before he turned 5) it just clicked. He cracked holding the pencil. He made a more outgoing friend who spurred him on. He grew in confidence and spoke up more. He ended reception winning the outstanding achievement award for his complete transformation throughout the year. And ended year 2 greater depth pretty much across the board. So I'd say don't despair, work with the school with the extra things they put in place, continue to support with reading, play dough, experiences etc. And just let him get a bit older and get used to his new school. Good luck!

Awwww poor you and your ds. It sounds really harsh to me. They should be getting their hearing tests soon so that may be something.
I would just keep doing what you are doing. Try the teachers suggestions.
CPG books do some daily workbooks which are really good to work through for different year groups. Maybe the reception autumn term daily handwriting would be worth a try or any of the others they're available on the CpG website or Amazon Waterstones etc.
Not that I personally think though aren't doing everything you can but they are good targeted workbooks.

The best thing you can do with a for him is to have fun at home with him. School is a big change and a big step for him - he will find his feet and be fine. My DS was similar but has just graduated with a great degree despite all the shortcomings he apparently had when he started school!

This parents evening should have just been about settling in. They have only been at school for 6 weeks.
He has his whole school life to hold a pencil.

Absoutley ridiculous for a 4 year old.
At this stage they should be looking at emotional wellbeing and getting every child settled in.
You sound like a wonderful parent and I am sorry you have had to listen to all of that negativity which will no doubt cause you to worry about your son. He sounds like a great little boy.
We need to cherish every child's uniqueness rather than trying to get them all to fit a perfect mould.

Please don’t worry about phonics. One of mine had Learning Support at school because they were so slow at grasping phonics. They are now at Cambridge University.

School can't win. If they said nothing now, and the issues got worse and OP knew nothing until February, she'd (rightly) be more upset.

I think the school, and you, sound very supportive. You sound like you all want the best for your DS and that's what really matters. Now you have a few action points to try at home too. Painting an exterior wall with water and a paintbrush was a favourite activity of my child's.

I second getting his hearing checked too.

Poor little soul , he's been in this world for just 4 years and sadly at this young age has experienced 'the one size fits 'all education.
I am a mother of 3 i have been through many parents evenings etc and like yourself i have sometimes wondered whose child they are talking about.
You know your own child and his capabilities, please don't let these silly targets cause you to worry ,he will find his feet and his confidence in his own time.
Maybe he will never be a loud boisterous boy ,he may always be one of the quieter more thoughtful ones ,what does it matter as long as he is happy and thriving ,it is clear that what you are doing at home is a great support for him.

My August-born 4 year-old totally fell apart when he started Reception. He was just nowhere near ready and I spent weeks with him screaming and clinging to me as I tried to leave. It got so bad I decided to reduce his Reception hours to part-time, gradually building it back up. I felt like I'd done something wrong as his mummy. I also felt a lot of judgement, especially as a primary teacher myself.
I then went on to leave his dad when he was just 6 (and his brother 3) after years of coercive control. I had to share care which was incredibly challenging.
He's now 17, achieved mostly 9's in his GCSEs, is predicted 4 A*s at A-Level and has being strongly encouraged and supported by his (state) secondary school to apply for Cambridge.
You're doing great 💐

Does he go into school happy most or every day?
Is he forming good relationships with peers in his class?
Is he coming home excited to go back?
Is he able to find his peg for his possessions and find things he needs/wants in the classroom?
Is he confident taking himself to the toilet when he needs to? Eating his lunch with his friends in the hall?
Does he engage with activities that interest him and explore new ones?

Great! That's what I'd hope to hear at a parent consultation at this point in the year. And that's what I'd be sharing with parents too.

The rest will come. Phonics - he might be able to recall the sounds at home, but can he squish them together into words, confidently and speedily? That's blending: what word can you hear when I tell you these sounds 'm - o - p'. Scissor skills - at home where he's familiar and feels comfortable and can concentrate, when he isn't distracted by Joe Duplo who has just made the coolest robot "see this bit here!" and is waving it in his face.

There are SO many distractions in an EYFS environment, it really is hard to focus for anyone at this point! And the noise, the excitement, the playing happening everywhere. Some children, lots of children, might be absolutely capable of achieving certain things at home in a calm environment but in an EYFS it's a totally different outcome. I wouldn't be worried as long as they're happy and settling well, making friends.

EYFS teacher

Thanks again all. It’s lovely to read your own experiences and how well all of your children are doing. Some of the comments have been really kind which was so needed! Also appreciate the insight from teachers.

I don’t think the class is at capacity but there are some big characters in there (seemingly the ones with older siblings). The school is very high performing so I do wonder if some of the expectations come from there. One of DH’s best friends’ partner is a deputy head elsewhere and she told us before he even started, not to worry about writing or reading as they will teach them that; this has just knocked me a little.

We have quite a few workbooks and wipe clean books targeted at his age so going to do them a bit more too. We have loads of play dough in the craft box, child scissors, everything really, he’s just never been that interested and I’ve always wanted to show him everything and just follow what he shows interest in rather than force anything.

He’s got such a cheeky sense of humour and I often call him an old man as the things he comes out with! We read so much at home and he loves talking about the story and going back through it to talk about the pictures too. He really likes imaginative play with figures/role play or being outside where he can run and climb.

They did say he seems to be settling in well, like all the children are and when she chose to just go and sit by him and one of his friends as they played, without any specific purpose to it, she could hear them chattering away lovely.
Definitely not angry at school or the teacher - just working through my own feelings of being disappointed and worried that he’s okay.

Will speak to the GP about a hearing test just to make sure there’s nothing we’re missing.

Try not to fret too much, you sound like you're doing so much good stuff with him. He's only been at school for about 6 weeks, and it's all very new for him, a completely different environment. I'm betting that with time, he will come out of his shell.

With both my kids, teachers (at nursery and Yr R) asked if they needed hearing and speech checked as they weren't sure their spoken English was up to scratch (my DC were bought up in a multi-lingual household). Turned out that both DC would sometimes swap in (relevant) words in other languages with their spoken English. I explained that to the teachers and both DC soon got better with speaking English properly!

Eldest sailed through Yr R without an issue. Youngest needed a good year or so to get to grips with reading/writing/phonics at school, and then it clicked. Both had the same input from me (lots of reading/phonics etc) - but shows how different they are!!

Did you tell them that he can do lots of that stuff at home? Do you have an app where you can put some videos of him doing this stuff?

My concern would be that they've done whatever baseline assessments and now have low expectations. These could follow him through school. We had this with my DD, as she'd do the bare minimum in maths at school, but "luckily" we had home schooled her during covid, so were able to point out that she could do all of the work set.

I had exactly the same experience at my DS’s first parents’ evening. He was the sweetest boy and they didn’t say a single nice thing. It was all about him not being able to thread his bloody buttons or write. He was quiet too, because he didn’t have much confidence.
he is dyspraxic, which we didn’t know then.
He graduated last year with a high 2.1 and has won an award at an internatioanl film festival.

@SausageinaBun DH commented that we know he can do these things as he counts to 30 with us for example. She just made it lighthearted in that maybe he hadn’t wanted to that day but then it’s down on paper, a ‘focus child’ assessment where it’s all things he can’t do and being rated as birth to 3 years.

He is our first so I’m not ‘au fait’ with how things work too much, but this was one of my worries; it staying with him for longer than Reception. I teach him about being kind and respecting everyone but I already have this silly, long term worry that he’ll be labelled and other kids treating him unkindly for that. He likes to be engaged in something all of the time and could quite easily get bored if he’s not challenged as he loves learning.
He’ll say he ‘can’t’ do something as an easy option but I don’t let him just say that without trying and every time, when he actually does it, he proves he can.

I’ve spent so much time with him trying to teach him but in fun ways. He can hold a pencil if I remind him and demonstrate how to do it properly and before he started school, he was able to write his first name initial as I spent ages on that. Otherwise he will just grasp it with more of a fist hold.

I’m wondering why he won’t hold the pencil the way he should. He can do it, but why not all the time? I think the real issue is that you are 1:1 and school isn’t. He’s not too keen in a bigger group. Plus the nursery should have told you all of this. They would be giving detailed observations to school because they did the first year of the EY curriculum. I’m amazed they didn’t say anything.

Also what did you discuss with EY teacher before he started? Usually you have a meeting. I think he’s actually doing a lot at home. Why not just concentrate on one thing? Eg pencil grip? If is possible he might not like phonics. My DDs had mixed schemes back in the day and that worked for them. Books with no words encourage discussion I think but everything can change. He won’t stay on these forever.

Teachers can only assess on what they can evidence. Does he not want to try colouring and drawing at school? Can you find out why not? Most dc want to please their teacher. He will have to try things in the end. I’m sure he will. Id also only praise him when he does something well at school. Praise for lots of things ends up being meaningless. Make it mean something. Eg for trying.

Some of this sounds entirely normal for a 4 year old. Our school didn’t start with books with words until around this time of year anyway.
The drawing thing.. maybe keep practising. It also sounds like he can do a lot which they just haven’t seen!

As a Reception teacher, I feel so cross when I hear about first Reception parents evenings which seem to focus purely on the accademic side, with early suggestions that the child is worryingly behind (unless there is a clearly obvious SEN concern the parents seem unaware of at this stage). From what you've said about your child, I've not picked up on anything majorly concerning (even the not being able to draw or cut with scissors yet) - he definitely sounds within the realms of 'normal' for a child who has just started Reception.

They've been at school for a matter of weeks! The teachers are still getting to know them and their true personalities. Any experienced teacher will know that there are still several children in their class who haven't shown the real them yet (one or two in the class may never show their true personality in school, some may show it pretty much straight away but most will take at least the first half term or so to 'warm up'). This kind of feedback at this very early stage in their schooling is so disheartening and concerning for parents, as you have sadly found.

I prefer to focus on how they have settled in class, friendships they have made, behaviour etc at the first parents evening. I give a brief explanation of what we're working on currently/imminently in phonics and maths and how they can support with this at home. I might focus more of this for those I know need greater support, so parents explicitly know what I'd like them to do to support at home, but I don't use terms such as behind or ahead as it's such early days. Yes we're already running interventions but these are so fluid and currently changing weekly as needs develop/are identified so I don't see the point in bogging parents down with the fact their child took part in a few extra phonics activities that week. So did half of the class. It's all within the norms of what we'd expect.

Spring term is when it becomes more obvious whether a child is genuinely struggling, once they're fully settled and you've had longer to observe/assess them. By then, those who were a bit too shy to show true abilities early on are starting to flourish, and those who have no specific learning delay but just took a little while longer to get it are starting to click. Interventions should be short term by nature. If they work (which they will for most), fabulous! The child is no longer struggling in that area. If they don't, that's the time to flag to parents imo. I understand some will disagree, and say parents should be informed straight away if their child is receiving an intervention but, the way I see it, it just means they haven't currently got a newly introduced concept and you're giving them (and several peers with similar needs) a little boost. Most children will need this in some area of learning at some point throughout the year and it's nothing to worry about (which parents naturally do if they know about it, even though it's normal). Interventions are a nothing alarming or exceptional. If they're still struggling after a few weeks of interventions, that's the time to flag to parents that it's something they are struggling with.

A child not blending yet by week 6 in Reception is most certainly not a concern. They may be the only one in certain schools, particularly private schools or ones in affluent areas, but that's still the majority of the class in other schools where children come in with very low baselines in literacy and communication and language. It's all relative. Good for them for ensuring he's taking part in interventions to support his blending skills. Shame on them for making out it is a concern at this very early stage.

For now, I'd try not to take it to heart (hard as it is) and just continue to support at home as you have been. Hopefully you get a much more positive update in the spring term, once he's had time to settle in and show his true personality. If not, I'd seriously be questioning what they as a school are planning to do to support him, if they genuinely believe he's that behind (which it really doesn't sound like he is in most areas, at this stage. There's still plenty of time for his fine motor skills to develop).

I think reluctance to write is normal for 4yo boys. My DS is bright - could read fluently before starting school - but couldn’t write his own name because he had no interest in it whatsoever.

His reception teacher wasn’t worried at all and about halfway through reception something just changed - he started to really enjoy drawing and as he did more of it his writing improved massively. I can see now he just wasn’t developmentally ready before then. His birthday is in May so if he’d been born in September that readiness would have been there before he’d started school.

Kids are all different and age makes a huge difference at this age as well. You are supporting him at home so there is no doubt he is going to thrive. Just keep working on his confidence and he will be fine.

Thanks again for the insightful comments.

He’s got a close friendship with two other boys, she mentioned one particularly by name who’s also a quiet boy. He has started to tell me more about another boy which is good but said he doesn’t like girls so doesn’t want to play with them!

Before he started we had an all parents meeting which was a half an hour presentation really about what they’d be doing and how things would work. He then had an evening where we went with him just for him to explore and play there and then following that, an AM where he went by himself.

Nursery never gave any mentions of anything school have. The last parents evening chat felt very dismissive as it was us stood in the corner of the room at pick up time with his key worker just saying how great he was. The only thing they ever mentioned was how he was like a different child when his core group of close friends weren’t there.

The other day he sat and coloured something for a good few minutes and kept within the lines of the picture rather than just scribbling all over it so I am seeing some positives, helped by school. It was just so disheartening to feel almost, he isn’t doing anything he should be. Will keep trying at home!
It’s really hard to engage DH which is half the battle too. I mentioned a hearing test last night and he was quite dismissive and couldn’t seem to understand the value in getting it checked. It all seems to fall to me to help him with anything.

A lot of the first term in reception is learning the daily routines, settling in, making friends etc.

It does seem a bit early to be making assessments about his actual learning but if the teacher has identified "issues" and the school are supporting these (extra small group work etc) that's a good thing - they are being proactive. It's hard to hear criticism of our children.

My ds was premature so his gross and fine motor skill were behind. Definitely read up on what you can do to support that - playdoh etc is great, picking up beads etc

You mentioned in nursery he was different when his core friends weren't there ... could that be part of it? Having to make new friends etc can be bit daunting.

Try not to worry - I'd maybe keep in contact with the teacher and perhaps ask how you can support him at home x

Ps. In reception I'm pretty sure they'll get a hearing test at some point anyway

Ahh OP sending you support. Having a "not on board" H doesn't help either.
I bet you wouldn't feel half so bad if you knew your H was supportive. This isn't the thread for that, but you may want to start one.

I would wait for the school nurse to come in and do the hearing screening it will be soon and will be followed up quicker than through your GP.
Just saying from recent experience