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Primary education

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Original poster

Advice about Year One dd being excluded/bullied by one girl

56 replies

sillytilly · 22/04/2008 21:40

I'm so worried and upset - been chatting to dd about school tonight and she has just said

"X says I am not allowed to play with her gang OR Y and her gang now that Y's gang is part of her gang"

so, dd is basically, by one girl, excluded from playing with about 2/3 of the girls in the class

I have twice complained about this girl before, and they have had a word with the class about not being in gangs etc, but I really do feel this is bullying and don't know what to do next.

can someone advise me, pelase? this can't continue, can it?

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avenanap · 22/04/2008 21:45

Kids are very fickle at this age, one minute they are the best of friends, the next they hate each other. It's part of learning and growing up. It normally doesn't last. I would encourage your daughter to find some other people to play with. It's nasty but little children don't see it this way, all they see is that they don't want to play with your daughter. Is there another girl that your daughter could be friends with? Maybe you could invite her to play and see how things go.

londoner20 · 22/04/2008 21:59

I had this when my ds started school, he was good chums with a few kids from nursery but then another boy came along and told him he wasn't allowed to play with X or Y anymore. My friends were sympathetic to me though and talked to their DSs about not excluding my DS. its all sorted itself out we still meet for lunch from time to time with kids at the end of the week which bonds them back together. TBH my DS came home tonight and told me he told another boy he didn't want to play with him even though this boy keeps pestering him to do so, because this boy keeps hitting and kicking etc. I think they are just learning how to stand up for themselves and make real friends (not like nursery where they were immature and got along with everyone) - the playground is a different scenario already and this is how they learn how to live in the real world. trust me, i was devastated when my DS was excluded but I learnt to stand back, listen, but not question too much. it will sort itself out, encourage them to make new friends.

Original poster
sillytilly · 22/04/2008 22:00

avenanap, it's about 10-12 girls we are talking about, that this child dictates to.

dd is not being allowed to play with any of them.

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Original poster
sillytilly · 22/04/2008 22:01

and five of them are children she has played with for the last year and a half

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avenanap · 22/04/2008 22:03

Ohh, what a little cow! Sorry, I assumed it was 2-3 not two thirds. They are very fickle though. If she has this much influence on sm many of the class this is a problem though. I would go to the head with this. Don't let it continue, your daughter must be becoming very miserable.

Original poster
sillytilly · 22/04/2008 22:08

yes, sorry - meant two thirds of the girls

the girl is very influential

so, head rather than teacher (who is lovely - newly-qualified though)

am so upset - will dissolve when I go to head - how pathetic

what should I say, how can I make her take action/actually do something?

thanks

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Original poster
sillytilly · 22/04/2008 22:28

any more advice? am just trying to write down the main points for seeing the teacher or head - not sure who I should see really, at this stage

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avenanap · 22/04/2008 22:29

Avoid teacher if you've already told her there's a problem and her actions have been shit not helped. I'm not surprised you're upset. This would upset me. It makes me sad to even think about how your little one is feeling.

Right, the head. I would send her a letter detailing what is happening, then arrange to meet with her to discuss. This way she knows what you want and you won't get upset explaining things to her.

Dear Mrs....
It came to my attention ...months/weeks ago that there was a fair amount of bullying/unkindness/nastyness going on towards my child.... who is in Miss.... class. As a parent, this concerns me a great deal. I am attempting to support my child in every way that I can and I have previously spoken to Miss.... regarding this matter, however , despite her efforts the behaviour of certain children towards my child has continued and has now reached the stage where my child is becoming very distressed at the thought of coming to school. It is apparant to me that...... (insert name of little cow) has been....... My child is.....(insert how upset your child is) I wish to meet with you so that we may discuss this matter and how best to resolve it.

She should take action, you have to sound really pissed off. If she does nothing send a copy to the parent governors. She will do something. Emphasise the effect that the bahaviour is having on your child. In the mean time try and find your dd a friend, preferably from another class.

MumRum · 22/04/2008 22:33

just wondered if your daughter could invite a couple of the children home for tea... playdate.....

Original poster
sillytilly · 22/04/2008 22:34

thanks, avenanap

dd is actually quite resilient about it - she says she knows it's because X is horrible and a bossy person

I don't THINK it is harming her self-esteem that much (God, hope not)

have texted dh (who is out) and he just texted back saying "book app with head asap"

I have spoken to teacher but actually did it to the teacher in a non-naming way, come to think about it - I said words to the effect of "I'm sure it's obvious who is in charge of all these gangs blah blah"

so maybe teacher is best port of call (she is really lovely, and infinitely more approachable than scary head!)

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Original poster
sillytilly · 22/04/2008 22:35

she goes swimming and tea with one of them every week

and regularly has tea dates with another two in the class

it's actually her birthday in a couple of weeks, so is having a little do then anyhow....it's just this girl is so domineering they all just do what they tell her

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Original poster
sillytilly · 22/04/2008 22:36

I suppose it's the classic thing of that they all go along with her else they'll be on the receiving end of it

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avenanap · 22/04/2008 22:43

So you invite all of the other girls but not her. Have you tried talking to the girls mum? Maybe she could help .

I have a good book for my ds, he's a bit behind socially, it's called the unwritten rules of friendship and it has a chapter on the bully and how to handle them (it's a adult book with ideas on how to help children). The normal school hierarchy is teacher first, if teacher can't help go to the head. A scary head is good, it means she's not a push over and the children will listen to her.

Original poster
sillytilly · 22/04/2008 22:45

oooh, God, that's tempting

I'm would feel too awful though, couldn't do it - what a drip!

spoke to the girl's mum a while back, actually, she made the daughter apologise to dd and there was a respite for a month or two...

she did say, though, she felt the school should have dealt with it and is really scary herself! God, typing that I am starting to think I need to toughen up!

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hatrick · 22/04/2008 22:48

This reply has been deleted

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Original poster
sillytilly · 22/04/2008 22:50

yes, as far as I can gather it is dd that is excluded (and sometimes another girl, who ahs been crying a lot going into school, thinking about it)

can't really approach the mum to ask, though, as she is really close to X's mum...

teacher tomorrow, you reckon?

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avenanap · 22/04/2008 22:52

It's so hard. I had to go into ds's school last week because there were 2 teachers telling him off for the most pathetic things. I'd judt had enough and said I wan not taking him back until things were sorted out. The head was very helpful. He had no choice really though.

I wouldn't invite her, it would be useful for you to see how she's doing it though. That way you can teach your daughter how to deal with her. All the little kids like children who have loads of confidence. I've noticed this, it's always the confident kids that tell all the others what to do. Have you thought about some activities with your daughter that will build her confidence? An acting club maybe?

hatrick · 22/04/2008 22:56

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Message withdrawn

Original poster
sillytilly · 22/04/2008 22:56

Avenanap - yeah, our head is not exactly approachable!

this girl is very bright, VERY confident and, if she doesn't like you, glares at you. quite unsettling, actually. I have seen her give dd the real evils before.

I KNOW I am biased, but dd is a real little beauty, often commented on that she is a young Liz Taylor/Audrey Hepburn.. wonder if that has an effect, God knows.

she already goes to Stagecoach - she started at beginning of Year 1, when I started getting concerned about all this

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Original poster
sillytilly · 22/04/2008 22:56

ah, thanks, hatrick - should I take dh?

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hatrick · 22/04/2008 23:02

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Message withdrawn

avenanap · 22/04/2008 23:05

Is your daughter upset about?

Original poster
sillytilly · 22/04/2008 23:14

she doesn't seem that upset at all, Avenanap, actually - surprisingly. she's a very strong person really

Hatrick - dh now thinks I should speak to the teacher tomorrow and outline what's gone on and take it from there with regards to seeing the head

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avenanap · 22/04/2008 23:15

If it's not bothering her do you need to report it or is it for your peace of mind?

Original poster
sillytilly · 22/04/2008 23:16

it does bother her, but she just sort of accepts she can't play with her friends!

surely that isn't right...?

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