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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Advice about Year One dd being excluded/bullied by one girl

56 replies

sillytilly · 22/04/2008 21:40

I'm so worried and upset - been chatting to dd about school tonight and she has just said

"X says I am not allowed to play with her gang OR Y and her gang now that Y's gang is part of her gang"

so, dd is basically, by one girl, excluded from playing with about 2/3 of the girls in the class

I have twice complained about this girl before, and they have had a word with the class about not being in gangs etc, but I really do feel this is bullying and don't know what to do next.

can someone advise me, pelase? this can't continue, can it?

OP posts:

avenanap · 22/04/2008 23:20

No. As a parent I don't think it's right. I'd be very upset. But school's don't tend to think about the parents though. She sounds mature and level headed. I think it's very sad and I would talk to the class teacher. She's a very special child to think of it this way. You should be proud.

Original poster

sillytilly · 22/04/2008 23:32

thanks, avenanap, going to try and speak to teacher tomorrow and take it from there.

thanks for listening

OP posts:

avenanap · 22/04/2008 23:34

You're welcome. I hope it all works out for her. School can be a horrible place.

Grav1 · 23/04/2008 13:51

I had a very similar problem with my dd when she was in reception class. One particular child used to "be in charge " and exclude kids from her group. It took a step up when she decided that this was not sufficient and she started to physically bully my dd. Unfortunately my dd friends were excluded from playing with my dd and obviously as a quiet child she could not cope with this. One evening I spent hours sitting cuddling her and trying to calm her down after a particularly stressful day and she told me things that had been happening that I was previously unaware of. She and I went to school the next day and sat and told the teacher what was occuring. She was also nq and did not know what to do so my dd and I had to go, with the teacher, to the head and explain again what was happening. His attitude was that my dd needed to toughen up and stand up for herself but at 5 I felt that this was not helpful advice. We were basically told that nothing was happening, because my dd wasnt reporting incidents as they occurred. (She was too scared to,as she was being warned that things would happen to people she loved if she told). We basically dealt with the situation ourselves by inviting dd friends around individually and in groups and excluding the child. We also encouraged our dd to make new friends and luckily some of her new friends were only to happy for her to play in their group if she wasnt allowed to play with her "other" friends. It was a tough period of time and on occasions I felt like the meanest mother on earth. Making my dd go to school when she didnt want to. My dd is now 11 and she has a strong sense of right and wrong which I believe she has developed due to the problems she had to face. She still has to have contact with the child who was mean to her and she will talk to her but that is as far as it goes. Luckily the other girls saw through this girl eventually and my dd has a group of friends that were both in her old and new circle of friends.
(We later found out that this child was being mean to a number of other kids as well but was so sly that she kept getting away with it. I think deep down that she is the one with the problem as obviously she is a very insecure child and I believe that she was and still is to a certain extent excluding kids who she is jealous of). Please be brave for your dc and make sure that you do what you can to help. I hope that you can work with the school to solve the problem because at the end of the day this child should not be allowed to get away with the hurt she is causing.

Original poster

sillytilly · 23/04/2008 13:59

thanks, Grav, your poor dd - sounds v similar, and dd also has VERY strong sense of right and wrong

just been to see teacher who is very concerned and says she will support me 100%. she's gone to see the head this pm and is going to get back to me after picking up

our head is a nightmare (retiring at end of year) and realy old-school - have horrid feeling she will be waiting for me at picking up time.

if she is, I am going to (calmly, without sobbing!) say that dh and I want to speak to her formally, in private, not a picking up time.

what do I do if not happy with head's response? I told teacher this was bullying and unnacceptable.

OP posts:

avenanap · 23/04/2008 14:03

I don't think she'll say anything horrid to you. It's your child and you have the right to stand up for her. Telling her to make an appointment is a good idea. If you are not happy with the head's response then write to the governors.

Grav1 · 23/04/2008 14:08

I think avenanap is right. I dont think the head will say anything horrid to you. And I agree that you should make an appt. Don't worry if you do cry(I did on a number of occasions),your dd is your world and you have every right to be upset and let your emotions show. Good Luck.

PrimulaVeris · 23/04/2008 14:09

Sillytilly - yes I do think you should speak to teacher. There have been quite a few threads about similar incidences recently and there is some advice on a thread yesterday www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=8&threadid=517628#10509432

lazybum · 23/04/2008 14:22

Put it in a letter as well with everything that has happened addressed to the head.
She will then HAVE to address it and its also goes on file

Bullying is not acceptable and this needs to be sorted out NOW

Berries · 23/04/2008 14:40

This needs to be sorted now. It happened to dd starting in reception and eventually we had to move her to a new school (in yr 4). Girl in question was extremely manipulative and used to cycle her 'victims' so it would be horrible for a few weeks and then quiet for a few weeks when we thought it had all settled down.

DDs current headmistress (she's now in y6) said the other day that dd was such a happy little thing now - completely different from when she started so don't let it go on too long.

BTW have recenly found out that said girl has been refused a place at her chosen independant secondary because of her behaviour at primary - you reap what you sow!

Original poster

sillytilly · 23/04/2008 19:04

right, thanks for the posts

saw the teacher just before picked up dd at school, the following has happened:

class teacher met with head and year 2 teacher (their class from Sept 08)

they decided they should:

speak to the girl and tell her this behaviour is unnacceptable and will not be tolerated (teacher spoke to her this afternoon)

keep the girl in at break time and lunch time play on friday (strike tomorrow) and tell her this will happen if she excludes anyone again

send a note home informing parents of girl's behaviour

tell dd she is to come to form teacher or the lunchtime lady she knows particularly wel (who has been put in the picture) if there is any exclusion at any time

tell all the lunchtime supervisors to be aware of this problem

talk to class as a whole about playing together and gangs not being allowed

so, I think I am pretty pleased with that. what do you all think? obviously will be keepind a VERY close eye on things, as will dd's teacher. and I'm so glad the teacher in the year above is in the know...

head wasn't waiting for me, thank God!

OP posts:

hatrick · 23/04/2008 19:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

sillytilly · 23/04/2008 19:17

cheers, Hatrick

yeah, teacher basically said she was aware she was not a very nice girl and other parents had brought up gangs/exclusion at PE, but teacher hadn't realised how bad it was

she is lovely

hey, are you guys free Sat 10th May in the PM?

OP posts:

hatrick · 23/04/2008 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Grav1 · 23/04/2008 19:18

Delighted to hear that you had such a fantastic response from the school. They seem to be taking things very seriously and are addressing the problem positively and with a view to the future. Well done to them.

Original poster

sillytilly · 23/04/2008 19:19

oooh, ecool, dd's bday, doing family/friends party, be great to see you guys

Grav, thanks so much

OP posts:

hatrick · 23/04/2008 19:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

sillytilly · 23/04/2008 19:29

cool, do you know our address?

OP posts:

Original poster

sillytilly · 27/04/2008 14:46

nervous about next week at school, hope there is no fall out for dd about it all (though the teacher has ascertained it is happening to a few girls, and has not named names at all)

OP posts:

Grav1 · 02/05/2008 20:03

Hi ST. I have been thinking about you and your dd a lot this week. How is she? What sort of week has she had?

Original poster

sillytilly · 03/05/2008 10:57

thanks Grav

was actually finding this to post the latest

dd had an OK week, had a friend for tea yesterday (male), but then at bathtime she said that she (dd) and her boy friend Y had joined in with this girl (X)'s gang and X had told them they couldn't play. and then when they were lining up to go in, X shouted at dd "why did you try and join in our group?"

dd didn't tell her teacher

I ended up feeling so stressed about it I was cross with dd for not telling the teacher, but then felt awful as it must be hard to pluck up the courage as dd is pretty shy

anyway, she came out of school happy and wasn't upset mentioning it really

so, what do I do on Tuesday about it? I'm not dropping off OR picking up, which makes it difficult, do I write a not in her reading diary telling the teacher what happened?

grrr, feel like strangling the brat! the chat with the teacher/being kept in at play/note home has obviously had ZERO effect

OP posts:

Grav1 · 03/05/2008 12:51

Hi ST. I wouldnt be cross with dd at all. As you say it will be very hard for her to pluck up the courage to tell. Personally I would write a note in her diary about the incident so that it is on record if anything more major happens at a later date. The positive thing about all of this is that your dd is not getting upset when telling you about things and also still seems happy going to and coming home from school. So glad that she has other friends to turn to.

Original poster

sillytilly · 03/05/2008 13:15

yes, I was thoroughly ashamed of myself for getting cross - was just so sort of upset and twitchy it came out wrong. anyway, have reassured her she did well to tell me.

what should I put in the diary? just inform the teacher or say kind of - what are youn going to do?

OP posts:

Original poster

sillytilly · 04/05/2008 11:50

anyone advise me on what steps I take now with this? thanks

OP posts:

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/05/2008 15:32

Speak to school again. Follow up this meeting with another. Go in with your husband for moral support.

Read www.bullying.co.uk; there's advice on there too.

On a wider level I would also suggest you read "Queen Bees and Wannabees" by Rosalind Wiseman. Its American in tone and relates to slighly older females but it goes into the realms of female friendships and how they tick.

Your unfortunate DD is on the receiving end of a particularly nasty Queen Bee individual (her parents are also likely to be in complete denial as to how awful she is so telling her parents will have no effect). This also is about power and control.

This also needs to be dealt with effectively by school now because if this goes unchecked it will still cause problems later on in her school life. I've seen what such isolating cliquey behaviours can do emotionally to girls on the receiving end.

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