I want my kids to move primary school but one of them is refusing to go...

[ParentingPalavers]

My hubby and I want to move our kids to a new primary school, which is a feeder into to a great High School. This does mean we will need to relocate about 20 mins drive away for this to happen. All doable.

My daughter does not want to go as she wants to stay with her friends, she wants to go to High School with her friends. The local High School has a bad reputation for bullying amongst a host of other issues.

The other High School has a brilliant rep and is in a great location, perfect move.

I still want her to go regardless of her opinion, I will listen and help her to manage the transition, but in my mind we should go. My hubby however thinks we need to make her mental health a priority, and if she doesn't want to go as her friendships are more important, then we need to stay and pick the local school.

I feel it is me against them two now. And yes, bullying happens everywhere but how the school responds, reacts and deals with it, is what is important. I feel if she went to the local school within a year we would be looking to move her (yes that is just a hunch from others experiences) if this was the case we would have less control on what other school she would go to, as the best ones will already be oversubscribed.

Feels like a minefield. Any advice welcome.

How old is DC?

You need to get husband on side first. Has he read or heard the same info as you have regarding bullying etc? He needs to be convinced that the move is worthwhile.

If you both agree that the move is the right thing overall then I think it’s ok to tell DC it is happening and explain while it may be tricky short term you really believe it’s for the best long term. You can show them the same info that convinced you, if they are old enough.

But you both need to be on the same page first.

She is 10yo - I try and give her as much info as possible and yes she know the downsides to the other school, but I believe her friends are like a security blanket. Also there is no guarantee their parents wont send them to another high school, as some are still not sure.

Why on earth would you move children that are happy? They are the ones having to go every day not you

How old is DD?

Its open evenings at the moment, so why not go and look at both schools, with an open mind.
Reputation can be greatly misleading. We had a school locally that every parent raved about... until a bad Ofsted combined with terrible gcse results. Neither of those are definitive, but it was like veil lifted and people started to see the flaws.

It’s literally the first sentence - to get into a better secondary school.

When you say “relocate”, do you mean relocate schools or literally move house? That changes things slightly, I think, because her refusal to move may be linked to uncertainty at a much bigger change.

For what it’s worth, assuming DH is on side, I would move her. Sometimes being a parent is about making difficult decisions in your child’s best interests, and it sounds like you are doing just that.

Yes I know the reason from the reason from the op viewpoint but poor kids

Sure if they wanted to move and were being bullied it is understandable

My personal opinion is that going with friends is of a huge benefit at this age. I sent DD to a less local but better reputation secondary without her friends. Massive mistake. I ended up moving her back to the local school where her friends were at the end of year 7. I really regret it but thought I was doing the right thing at the time.

They make new friends in senior school and quite often friends from junior school are dropped.

What will she do then?

We moved ours at 10 and 13 across the country and they settled in easily.

She is 10. She doesn’t get to refuse anything.

I get what you are saying, but I am looking ahead and wanting to prepare. I've not had one positive piece of feedback from the High school locally and bullying is rife. Yes she is happy now but what is she walking into? Feels like one step back two steps forward. It's my job to protect her and she is too young to fully grasp this situation, but yes I also need to take her feelings into account.

If we moved school we would need to move house too. It isn't far, we have family live in the new location and she has a friends in the new location just not in the same year group at school. Our neighbours have just done the same transition, but their kids were not happy at current primary school, so easier move for them.

I agree that you need to get husband on side first.

Going to the new school means meeting people who are going up to secondary with dd and her being able to play out, travel to school independently etc Changing schools is tough but it’s going to happens in y6 (now ) or y7.

Who would have to do the extra travelling for the school runs ? Can you afford the cost of breakfast club and would it be dd1 or dd2 who has to go early ? (I assume that you can’t get both girls to school on time if you currently do the trip)

Is your h really agreeing to the driving to and fro the old area to enable dd1’s social life? Is he going to be going to school events in the old area so he can remain supportive of her education ?

I am biased because I moved my child to a new school at the start of year 6 for the same reasons and would do it again.

Yes we are looking at schools at the Open Days, this conversation has been going on over a year at home :) as we looked at both the 'good and bad' schools last year which only heightened the desire to relocate.

“Feeder” primary schools mean absolutely nothing to secondary applications. I’d move for secondary catchment but keep dc in the primary they’re in until secondary.

children from military families get funding under pupil premium due to the impact of school changes. Don’t underestimate this. That said, when a dc is unhappy there’s a reason. I wouldn’t move happy dc though.

A few good mates in school is a brilliant deterrent against bullies. And moving house at the same time as losing all your mates seems like an unnecessary double whammy because you have a feeling that it's for the best.

She would move to the new school at the start of Y6 which would give her a year (she just started Y5) to get used to the idea of the move and a year to make friends when transitioning to high school. Our friends recently made the same move and said it was the best thing they had ever done. But the children weren't consulted and they moved them within a month of deciding.

I moved dc school at 7, 9 and 10. Would she be able to communicate with current friends post move? Phone? Tablet? Gaming? My dc had a tablet and it bridged the gap between leaving old school and making new mates. Been 9 years now and they suffered no ill effects. Actually as they got their phones they have reconnected with a few old ones!!
At 10 they really don't get to decide...

“Feeder” primary schools mean absolutely nothing to secondary applications.

Not always true, some secondaries do have named feeder schools in their admissions criteria. There’s one near us that does.

OP - your DD is assuming that her friends will all be going to the local high school. But if its reputation is so bad that you’re considering moving then it’s pretty likely some of the friends’ families are too. Be daft to stick with a poor secondary option for friends only to find that half of them don’t go anyway.

Is she year 6? If so you have surely left it too late, assuming you are in England. As you have to apply the end of next month.

If you are moving house are there other ways of selling it - bigger room, better garden?

Could she still go to the local school if you moved?

The problem is you have consulted presumably because you thought she would be on board and she isn’t which has left you stuck

there are I think 3 options

1. just go
2. don’t go
3. start building up the new place, show the area and the school, look at the school she would be going too would she be with friends etc

Yes they would have digital contact with their current friends, and happy to continue regular sleepovers. It wont be a complete cut, chances are her friends will be going to a different local high school as well. So they could get split up anyway. We wont know others choices until application time. I in contact with her friends parents, but none of them seem to say 'oh we will put them in the same school as her friends'. They are making their decision on which school is best for their child, not which school most of their friends are going to.

Sorry cross posted, she is year 5

Yes! I am in the Number 3 cate
gory at the moment.

I think you need to keep reiterating that noone knows which school they are going to, so she cant choose based on where friends are going.