I want my kids to move primary school but one of them is refusing to go...

[ParentingPalavers]

My hubby and I want to move our kids to a new primary school, which is a feeder into to a great High School. This does mean we will need to relocate about 20 mins drive away for this to happen. All doable.

My daughter does not want to go as she wants to stay with her friends, she wants to go to High School with her friends. The local High School has a bad reputation for bullying amongst a host of other issues.

The other High School has a brilliant rep and is in a great location, perfect move.

I still want her to go regardless of her opinion, I will listen and help her to manage the transition, but in my mind we should go. My hubby however thinks we need to make her mental health a priority, and if she doesn't want to go as her friendships are more important, then we need to stay and pick the local school.

I feel it is me against them two now. And yes, bullying happens everywhere but how the school responds, reacts and deals with it, is what is important. I feel if she went to the local school within a year we would be looking to move her (yes that is just a hunch from others experiences) if this was the case we would have less control on what other school she would go to, as the best ones will already be oversubscribed.

Feels like a minefield. Any advice welcome.

She's ten. It's not her decision to make.

This is an argument solely between you and your husband to resolve.

I have done the research on the Secondary school criteria and we need to be in a feeder school AND live close to the school. Some feeder school kids didn't get in last year and then it went on location to the school. Also spoke to feeder school headteacher who confirmed this too.

Gosh how the world has changed.
My mum went to the open evenings for three local schools and she chose which one I was going to. End of.

Didn’t know a soul in my class, made a friend within a week (who was temporary as we both started to hang out with other people). Made more friends and one of them became my best mate. Never saw each other except in school as we lived miles away from each other. We were each other’s bridesmaids and still friends now in our late 50s even though we live 200 miles apart. All the rest of the people I was in school with I have no contact with as I moved away. It’s of no consequence.

There is no encouragement of resilience in many families these days.

I was always a very good student and followed all the rules. However, because my best friend (who was older) attended a very troubled high school, I fought tooth and nail to convince my parents to send me there. They in contrast wanted to send me to a very good and reputable high school.

My parents overruled me and I was SO upset. But now I am so thankful they did!!! I was one of the top students at my high school and made likeminded academic friends who really motivated me. I’ve since completed 3 degrees (including doctorate level). I wouldn’t change a thing and it’s humbling to look back and accept I was wrong!

Then I would work on 3 whilst making plans to go

I know right! We make things hard for ourselves.

It is so stressful as well. The issue is my hubby and I not agreeing and I don't know if I am coming or going with his decisions.

I would move her. He thinks why move a happy child.

Who is this information coming from?

I ask because if you asked a certain group of parents in our school, they would say the school is terrible and don't send your kids there. They have even sent siblings to other schools.

But I've had two kids at the school, yes the last head was a wet letice but she left over a year ago now and it's much improved. There are some really good teachers there and it probably suffers from being a smaller school so has less subject choices then some of the bigger schools. But it's only been open 5 years and everyone is a critical. There are things about the other schools that aren't great also. One that everyone raves about, that I worked at for while has a bullying problem but isn't talked about much. So people think it's wonderful unless their child has a problem. At lest at DD'S school they actually dealt with the problem.

Also I've found parents with children who are ND have a difficult time at a lot of schools. So if your children don't need that sort of support those issue aren't relevant to you when looking at schools. Crap I know but a lot of students will never need that sort of support.

Wow! Thank you for your story, makes me feel better for sticking to my guns on this. Nice to hear when it ends up for the better :)

Because in a year she is going to be moved anyway!

we had this to a lessor extent with DS - we have 3 choices of school one all boy we all hated and two mixed. The first the majority of his friends were going to the second much stronger on mental health and anxiety, even up to the day before going he wanted to go with his friends. Two weeks in he knows it was the right decision

I think it's a terrible idea to move a child going into year 6 next year. She is happy and content at her current school, which is all she's ever known, why change it in her last year?

Can't you keep her in primary school and apply for the preferred secondary if you are adamant you don't want her to go the local one.

Bullying will happen at every high school, so there is no guarantees that she wouldn't be bullied at the preferred school.

This is not technically always true. Schools that have feeder schools high on their admissions criteria are more rare but do still exist.
I presume the OP has checked the admissions criteria for the schools??
I am also a believer in the parent making these long term choices. A 10 year has no ability to understand what the longer term consequences of these decisions could be.
As parents we have to pick what we think is the right long term choice for our children.
Children who get too many choices and responsibility are anxious.

What if she doesn’t make any friends at the new primary school? By y5&6 friendships will be well-established and she might not fit in. Then she has the difficulty of a whole year or two of school with no friends and then starting high school with no friends. This is what she will be worried about and it might not happen, but how terrible would you feel if it did?

Children with no friends are targets for bullies. She needs friends with her.

Being happy with lots of friends counts for a lot. I'd be reluctant to change that.

I know there’s a bigger picture but my opinion is you’ve left it too late- year 6 in a new school will be rubbish and grossly
unfair on her

Are you buying or renting? If buying, there’s no guarantee a house move will happen within your time scale.

yea im probably on dd side maybe bias

my father move us more than once an it fuked us up-one sister ha to retake a year

i never finised gcses-we wante to stay with friends but (bakstory too long) he dint really care- as a result i have major anxiety

im not saying you dont btw but just beause a school looks good on paper doesnt mean it is an starting over wth friends who all know each is hard

Does the other primary school have places available? If so, is the plan to move her now then move house eventually before secondary school applications are due? If you’re waiting until a house move, that could take quite a while. If you’re moving her now, she’d have both Y5 and Y6 at the new school and would give her some settling in time before committing to relocating.

If you and your husband want to move then, then do it.
You both do what is in your children's best interest regardless of whether they want to stay put.
They can stay friends with kids from the old school and have them round at weekends you aren't moving to the moon.

She's 10 so though you take her views into consideration, obviously you move them if that's the best thing to do. You're the parent so what you decide is what happens surely

That's not true for Catholic schools.

If she's 10, you've only got 3 months to move house and submit your application. Don't you have to live in the area for a certain amount of time before

you qualify?

Your daughter is 10 and she does not understand the difference in schools. I know a lady who did not like her local secondary school. The school had a poor principal, behaviour problems with the pupils and not great results. Her oldest child then was bullied in their primary school and the bully was going to this secondary school. She decided to send her child to a better school a few miles away. Once her husband saw the other school, it's ethos, facilities ect he was on board with this. Her child is doing far better in this school and has nice friends as well.

I would move house and put your daughter in the feeder school for the better secondary school. Tell her she can still see her friends and being honest tell her that her friends might not go to the x secondary school ( the school with the bullying).
If you let her go to a bad secondary school it will have a major impact on her life long term. I know school with bullying and it like they pick on the kids who work in school and pass exams ect. You want her to achieve the best results possible for her so she has more options and opportunities as she gets older. Then if she end up a good school she can make new friends.
If her friends want to do well in school and go to university she want the same.

I know a girl ( A) who recently graduated with a good degree and is currently doing her master's. Her parents sent her to a good secondary school and she wanted to go to university. One of her new friends was not as academic as her. Her new friend stated to work harder in school and developed a better career ambition to do x course rather than a poor thing with no job prospects. This girl got into x course and is doing well in it. Her parents said that meeting and becoming friends with A made her work harder and achieve more.

Why the fuck would you move a child who's happy?

I'll admit that I'm biased. I was moved half way across the country for my Dad's work at age 10. I'd had a really good group of friends at my original school, and that just didn't translate at my new school. I was bullied, I became quiet and withdrawn. It took until sixth form college for me to really find proper friends again.

So personally, I think your idea is bloody stupid @ParentingPalavers , and think you should listen to your husband and daughter.

Never be fooled by 'good schools' the one near me that everyone buys houses to get into, has shocking bullying that the school ignore. It might get good results but it has a lot of victimised kids.