I want my kids to move primary school but one of them is refusing to go...

[ParentingPalavers]

My hubby and I want to move our kids to a new primary school, which is a feeder into to a great High School. This does mean we will need to relocate about 20 mins drive away for this to happen. All doable.

My daughter does not want to go as she wants to stay with her friends, she wants to go to High School with her friends. The local High School has a bad reputation for bullying amongst a host of other issues.

The other High School has a brilliant rep and is in a great location, perfect move.

I still want her to go regardless of her opinion, I will listen and help her to manage the transition, but in my mind we should go. My hubby however thinks we need to make her mental health a priority, and if she doesn't want to go as her friendships are more important, then we need to stay and pick the local school.

I feel it is me against them two now. And yes, bullying happens everywhere but how the school responds, reacts and deals with it, is what is important. I feel if she went to the local school within a year we would be looking to move her (yes that is just a hunch from others experiences) if this was the case we would have less control on what other school she would go to, as the best ones will already be oversubscribed.

Feels like a minefield. Any advice welcome.

I also find the English system has led to good/bad schools with parents being allowed to apply. In Scotland you go to your catchment school u less you can satisfy a placing request.

Personally I would do the house move but leave her at the current primary school for Year 6, even if it means driving back for a year (it doesn't sound that far).

Although some kids move school in Year 6 I think it is quite difficult for them. The leavers stuff at end of Year 6 is all about the years they've all been together so a new kid would feel very left out. Also making friends at that stage is likely to be quite tricky.

When primary ends, her friends are likely to scatter to different schools by the sound of it, so it will be a less big deal than pulling her out now. Then in Year 7 they have a great chance to make new friends with everybody mixing at new schools.

This is incorrect.

Schools have their admission policies publicly available and it's wise to be familiar with your area.

I know of several parents who live very close to a high school but were caught out by the policy. They had taken their children out of the feeder primary to go private.

The high school prioritised feeder primaries over distance. And they were full before it got to the distance criteria.

Feeder primaries are still very much alive in some areas.

This was our original thinking but it is on feeder school as a priority for this secondary school, so waiting til end of year 6 is too risky.

Bit triggering for me as this is what happened to me at 10. We moved to a better area and school but it was a disaster for me. No friends for ages. It set me back about two years in terms of mental well-being. I wouldn’t do it to mine. One key reason is that at that age they are expecting to have their end of school experiences that they’ve seen happen so will feel they miss out.

No we have 12 months, she’s in Y5 not Y6. To qualify we would need to move schools. I have spoken to the headteacher we have time it is all doable.

Do what's best for her future, friends is not a great reason to choose a school especially not a secondary in the next few years she will have met new friends and may not even be friends with anyone she knows now. My daughter went to the same school as her friends (not by choice as she got into her second choice) and she isn't in the same class as any of them.
you said its only 20 mins away from where you live now so they can still see each other on weekends and facetime whenever they like.
Yes her opinion counts and you want her to be happy however I'm sure you want he to have the best start you can possibly give her if you're willing to move house to make it happen.
The only thing id be a bit hesitant about is her not being able to finish year 6 at her current school, its a lot to start a new school for 1 year and then secondary school is another big adjustment straight after.

Friends are important but build all your security and self-confidence around them is not good practice.
Even if she moved with all her besties, the new school will probably split them up into various classes and by the time 6 months have gone by most of them will have started up new friendship groups. A group of 5 best mates is quickly swallowed by an intake of 150 kids. School choice should NOT be based on what any other persons child may or may not be doing.

How can you be so sure there will be a place available at the new primary school? You say in one of your posts that you have spoken to the school and they say it is doable time wise, but no state school can hold a place open for up to a year until you move. If the school has a lot of spaces in the appropriate year group, I'm wondering how good the school really is if it's a feeder to such a good high school. I think you may regret the move. I'm agreeing with your dh.

We sent our daughter to exactly the school you're describing. The outstanding primary that led to the fancier secondary

We suffered awful bullying from the very first year, which wasn't dealt with because the head didn't want to upset the cliquey parents who frequented the school

We ended up moving to a different school, actually nearer and 3 years on she couldn't be happier.

If your child is happy then you're moving them for your own vanity, not their own best interests. If you move them now against their wishes they will never forgive you.

Think very carefully

Sorry if this has already been asked but: what is your daughter like socially?

Is she someone with good social skills, who makes friends easily? Does she have out of school friends from clubs etc?

Or does she struggle with friendships and the friends at her current school have been hard won?

Also: what info are you going on re the two high schools? Have you been round? Know current parents at both? Know anyone who left?

Same here - 40-plus years on and I still resent it. I made friends but the upheaval that a move plus 2 new schools had on me really affected me and I went from a very happy child to a nervous, withdrawn one. The new high school was very academic and sought after, still is one of the top in the country, but there were bullies there too as I found out. You only need a change of HT or a few bad eggs in the year and things can change overnight.

As @Annnnnb has already noted, it's odd that a feeder school for a highly desirable secondary school, which has 'attending a feeder school' high up on its list of oversubscription criteria should itself apparently be chronically undersubscribed.

To be sure of a place which is available to you now, for the asking (that is, a place is available and there is no waiting list), you need to make a formal application now and accept the place now. Each passing day increases the risk that an application will be made by someone else, who will get the place if you haven't actually applied for it.

But is this the only way you qualify though?

I ask this because primary schools are generally a lot smaller than high schools. Where I live, the biggest primary schools are 3 form entry. The smallest secondary school is 6 form entry. There are some 8 form entry schools and a couple of ten form entry.

Do the primary and the high school match in size or is there more than one feeder school? Are we talking independent or state? I’ve assumed state by how it’s being discussed.

I fully support taking the reigns in deciding which secondary school is best. I wanted to go with a big group of my friends to the all girls school most of the girls in my class were heading too. My parents, very anti single sex education, sent me to a co-Ed secondary school a few miles away and I am bloody grateful for that now, and many children start high school not knowing anyone. Or if they do, a lot of school split friends up anyway and don’t keep children from one primary in the same class for example.

But the bit about changing schools just for year 6 I do think is harsh. There’s so much build up to being a year 6 at primary school - I work in one and I hear children lower down the school talking excitedly about when they get their hoodie, the residential, the monitor jobs they want to do……plus all the leavers activities, the final play, power points of photos stretching back to reception that they all laugh at. I do think this maybe should have been a move already done rather than leaving it this late.

Is the feeder the only option to get into this high school or just a guarantee without risk? Because if it’s the latter, I would dig for all stats (and enquire where you have to) on entry figures in terms of distance, siblings, children in care / adopted children etc, then leave your child in their current school, find a home in catchment and move ready for the application.

Are you sure you need to be at this primary? Is it not based on catchment and house distance?
I wouldn’t move your child in year 5/6. Year 6 is the culmination of their years of friendship, residential trip etc it’s perfectly normal to then go off to different schools and I wouldn’t base that on friendships. But I wouldn’t move her now and then have to move again for year 7!

I wouldn't move the whole life of a happy child for the sake of a 'better school' not at her age. This is a decision you should have made before she started school. School reputation can change quickly.

I would be very slow to move a happy child

Yes some kids make new friends at secondary and mine on both mine did but there’s a group from dds primary who are still all best friends and they are year 11

I ask this because primary schools are generally a lot smaller than high schools. Where I live, the biggest primary schools are 3 form entry. The smallest secondary school is 6 form entry. There are some 8 form entry schools and a couple of ten form entry.

The secondary school may have several named feeder schools, however. I can think of at least one secondary school with multiple feeder primaries where in a recent year, PAN was reached before all the applicants ranked under that category were offered. The ranking was 'attending feeder primary, on distance of home address from secondary school' and a number of pupils living furthest away were offered schools which were a lower preference on their CAF.

True, so what OP needs to clarify is if this is the only feeder or not, and if and how many places are on average offered annually to children in the remaining categories.

If the primary feeds into such a highly regarded secondary are you sure the primary has spaces? Have you spoken to admissions?

If full, living where you are, are you able to put your DD on the waiting list and reopen the dialogue with her if/when a space becomes available?