Moving schools - when they're happy and doing well?

[CrazyPanda99]

I am going round in circles as to what to do. My sons (reception and Year 4) are very happy at their current (Ofsted outstanding) school and doing very well academically. I would have no reason to move them, other than we have just moved house (5 miles away) and we are no longer round the corner but a 20-25 minute drive in traffic, which I find quite stressful. We have an outstanding school 3 minutes walk from our new house. And they have just both been offered places to start in Sept (very lucky to have two places come up at the same time!)

Neither want to move - they have lots of friends, are happy and doing well. My thoughts are my Year 4 (going into Year 5) son would make friends for secondary (we moved to the area for the outstanding secondary where all of the locals go). Also, it would mean we would have local friends and feel part of the local community. At the moment I don't feel part of the school community as we're no longer local for playdates (driving backwards and forwards) and not part of the community where we live as not part of the school.

We either move them this summer or leave it until my older one leaves primary for secondary school. My older son is very anxious. He's sociable and popular when he's comfortable, but does not try new things and worries like an adult about things beyond his years.

What would you do?

That’s tough OP, I really sympathise. I think moving probably is the right thing to do, but I know it’ll be hard for the first few days at least (I also have a worrier). But I’m sure he’ll very quickly make friends and enjoy the new school. Having an awful commute for two more years and also not fully integrating into your new community seems like a big tradeoff for current friendships that are unlikely to last past Y6 since they will be going to different secondary schools anyway.

If you can make it work logistically I'd leave them where they are. I've experienced my child being very unhappy at school and it impacted on her confidence a lot.

To have both your children happy and doing well at a good school is brilliant.

Yes, they'll miss out a bit on being able to walk home with friends etc. but so many kids are collected by parents in cars anyway and you can always hang around after school so your DC can go to the park near school etc.

Move them. It will make life so much easier for you and you will enable another family who are living closer to your current school to secure places for their children. It will do your older child a favour to have to step slightly out of his comfort zone. After all if you had moved a greater distance it would have been a no brainer. Also there is no guarantee that the closer school will still have a place available in 2 years time. I think the places being available in both year groups at new school is a clear sign it is meant to be.

I agree that taking him out of his comfort zone and giving him the experience of starting a new school and making new friends will serve him well in the long run. Other new things he has to do might seem less scary.

I also think it’s absolutely better for your son in reception to move now. Otherwise he will have two more years of living far away from his classmates (as you say, fewer playdates etc so may affect friendships), only to have to move schools in Y3 - if there is even a place then!

I'd move them. Long term it will absolutely be the best option especially of the new house is where you plan to live long term.

Thanks all for your replies - really valid points, really appreciate it.

I would move them. We moved at the same ages (but 1.5 hours away, so no option to stay at old school). It was a really smooth transition. My eldest (Y4) literally had a whole new group of best friends by week 2. Having local friends has been really important. They’re all going to secondary school next year and it’s been really reassuring for her to do it with people she knows well. It would have been a lot more daunting to go to secondary and not know anyone. It’s a big change, whereas changing primary is definitely much easier. It also means you are fully immersed in your new community.

Move them in September. This will allow for settling in your new area with fellow pupils (especially for the eldest) as I’d think moving to a new high school would be worse knowing no one than having time to settle/know the area/make new friends before starting.

I had a few months in a new primary school/area before the move to academy…I’m grateful!
I will also say, if those in your/his life are meant to be in it from your previous school/area they will be. I’m still in touch with a lot from my old friends and that was 30yrs ago ☺️

Move them now

I have to say I think this is quite straightforward. Move schools. They will settle in and make new friends in no time. It’s much easier being the one new kid to settle in, with both staff and kids focused on just you, than being amongst hundreds of new people making the secondary transition together. You will set your older son up with the support through new friendships to manage that harder transition better in a couple of years. You can keep making the effort with weekend play dates, messaging, video calls, games etc to keep in touch with friends at his current school who are important to him.

I moved schools almost every year during primary phase due to parents job and relocation. Managed to get a degree and job. Yes it’s sucks for a while and no kid will say they want to move as it’s change but better to do it now while they are young and you have time to prepare for change to secondary

making friends locally will be useful. You can finish out the year and then move for fresh start in September

Without question move the reception age child. They’ll settle in no time. Probably wise to move the older child too for all the reasons above. They may have a hard first term but should be fine long term and should make transition to secondary easier

I’d move them. But be prepared it may take a while for your older one to settle. I moved ours at finishing nursery age and finishing year 2 age and it took the older one a good nine months. He really missed his old friends and we’d moved hundreds of miles away so couldn’t pop back easily. We’re now two years on and he has a good group of mates, pretty solid. We got him into local sports and cubs etc which helped.

Would move them, and support them, you made the decision when you moved house, it’s now just consequential changes.

Your eldest sounds like mine.

I had to take my two kids out of their original school (it had severely gone downhill) when they were at the end of Yr 4 and Reception. They had loads of friends and I too had made some great friends with the other mums.

I’d done a a visit before the summer holidays but didn’t want the kids to, in case my eldest stressed all 6 weeks. In the end I took them round on the inset day just before the new term and told them it was a trial run for a few weeks (a HUGE gamble, but my eldest would not have coped with the absoluteness of you’re never going back to the old school). Long story short, they loved it and now my kids are out the other side (eldest now in full time work!), we often talk about it and they are grateful that they got to meet two sets of friends, some of which they met up again with in senior school.

It is the best course of action for your new circumstances and you need to sell it to your kids (and yourself) with absolute certainty that it’s the best thing to do. You’re doing it for all the right reasons, they’re 20 minutes away from their “old” friends so can still have social times/ play dates / sleepovers etc, they can STILL have their friends plus they will meet new ones, how good is that!!

Finally, once the decision is made, leave them time and space to contemplate and let it sink in without overwhelming them. Offer the opportunity to chat, hug, reassure but try to avoid any continuous “are you ok”. I was so shocked at how resilient it made my very shy and anxious eldest and how after the few weeks of his new school “trial”, he totally settled in.

I went through this exact thing in November with my year 3 he was stressed, anxious, didn’t want to move but he’s adjusted incredibly well and we’ve kept up play dates with his old friends.

Same with my year 6 he said once he’d moved he wished he’d done it before and he’s glad he will know people going up to his new secondary school.

Do it they will settle kids are resilient x

I would move them, that's a lot of years of driving. When you move you often have to move school

I'd move them.
We were in a similar situation when my eldest was in Reception, and we moved from a village to the main town and had to drive a similar distance back and forth to the school - which soon became very annoying.

We had a lovely school a short walk from the new house, and after calling them on a Wednesday and finding out they had a place as had an extra reception class that year, my son started the following Monday.

It was the best decision we made. He started walking to school with all his new classmates, and had a blast from day one - so it was nice to feel part of the community.

I think the sooner you make the move the better. My son also moved after year 5 as we moved abroad and he really enjoyed meeting more new kids and making more friends.

I would move them. You can make it easier for your DS now by getting him into the local Cubs so he recognises a few faces etc.

I think waiting would make the move even harder. A new secondary school where he knows nobody is much more intimidating than a move now, and another 2 years would put your younger son deeper into his current friendships just to have to leave them anyway.

100% move.

I would move them as well. Two years of a stressful commute is not worth it. More importantly your older son will have a couple of years to get to know children he will be going to secondary school with which is better than if he stays where he is and then moves to secondary school and doesn't know anyone.
If you wait until the older one leaves the school you might find that there isn't a place for the younger one then and it might be more difficult to move him at that point compared to now, at the end of reception.

I would move them. My son moved mid-year 4 and made lots of new friends. When it came to go to secondary, he actually went with people from both schools so it helped him out.

He can still stay in touch with friends from the old school with weekend playdates etc.

Much better to move now than in year 7 when it will feel even more overwhelming.

I wouldn’t move them, I was moved primary schools and it was horrible, all the other kids already had established friendship groups and ‘best friends’ and as a really shy introverted child I found it really hard to fit in, I was always on the periphery of friendship groups.

I think you need to do more to get involved in your local community, whatever you decide to do. Could you find some local clubs or childcare stuff over the summer break so your children can make local friends? or how about joining other local clubs (eg sports clubs, beavers/ cubs, lego clubs at the local library etc).

Alternatively, if you do move them, make an effort to keep in touch with old friends, particularly for your oldest - schedule playdates in the holidays or on weekends, join a club they're in (sports, cubs etc), and commit to doing the five miles often enough that he can maintain those friendships. Then he can see that it's possible to have more groups of friends than just from school.

For the sake of five miles, it's really up to you! But there's no guarantee that the primary school will have an opening for your younger son at the start of year 3. I think he'd also question why his brother got to finish his time off at the same primary he wanted to stay at and you were willing to do the commute then, but aren't if he wants to stay til year 6 too.