Child alone in school yard all the time and lonely, what can I do

[Mumof3onetwothree]

My 8 year old daughter is alone in the school yard all the time. It's been like this for several terms now. We have approached the school but they've said with a child who is quiet and timid there's not much you can do. We've also asked for her to sit beside like minded peers in the hope at least that she can have some contact with similar children in the classroom but they have said their policy is to alternate boys and girls and so she is always beside the more boisterous boys in the class. She used to play with lots of the girls but then began to be excluded.
I have spent years doing playdates, going to the park with the classmates etc. at this stage now it feels like I am a bit taken advantage of as in the parents happy to accept playdate for childcare purposes or for me to drop their child home but the girls don't play with her in the yard.
She does extra curricular activities, again she is quiet, we don't have any neighbours her age, cousins live abroad.
Is there anything I can do? And if not how to we cope with the sadness that this is happening. I feel I was so lucky in my childhood to always have at least one friend at school.

I've also posted this in the parenting thread

It's heart-breaking isn't it. You've spoken to the school but I'd say their response was a strange one - can they not alter their rules in the circumstances? A quiet girl is not going to make friends more easily with a boisterous boy. I'd raise it with them again with this suggestion.

Does the school have a buddy-system for the younger kids so that perhaps your daughter could be a buddy for them to help her have a focus at break-times? This might in turn help her make closer friends with her own classmates if others are doing it too?

Have you got the bottom of why your daughter is been excluded from previous friendships? What has she said? Can you speak to any of the parents?

If there is one child your daughter particularly likes, can she be sat next to her in class? Can you arrange regular after school meet ups or even share school runs with that parent to help build up the friendship naturally for your daughter?

Is there anything else going on outside school which might impact your daughters interactions with her classmates?

Your tagline on here is Mumof3onetwothree - are her siblings in the same school? Can they help make friends by including her in their play at breaktimes?

Thank you so much for replying I appreciate it so much. The class is very large with three cliques of girls each with a leader who decides who is in or out...from what she tells me. She's now out of all of the cliques. The other mums are aware.
I have tried so many times to engage with the school about seating arrangements. They just say you have to learn to live with different personalities. I think it is convenient for them to seat her next to loud children as it is a big class and it's a crowd control measure.
The school has a very hands off and old fashioned approach. No buddy systems or buddy benches etc. They said if she doesn't have problems in the home and is doing extra curricular activities then she'll be fine .
She has a little brother but he's in another part of the yard but she often goes over to the edge of her section and watches him to feel less lonely.
Honestly I have done so many playdates, lifts, meetups, car pooled to summer camps. The cliques are so tight in the yard and the cliques leaders don't want her and she is so unconfident now...

I think that is an unacceptable response from the school. No one is expecting them to wave a magic wand, but to absolve themselves from any responsibility for supporting your young daughter is absolutely awful. I don't like the sound of their rigid approach to seating plans either, especially as it seems to use female pupils as support humans to help them manage the behaviour of the boys.

Is changing schools an option?

Sounds like an awful school! I’d look at moving them and starting again somewhere with a kinder ethos.
That just wouldn’t be tolerated at our village school. It’s too long to be miserable.

This is awful, I'm so sorry OP. Your poor daughter. No real advice as my child is young but I was a school teacher and I am so disappointed to hear about the school's response which is not acceptable. It's a pastoral concern if this little girl is feeling sad / possibly experiencing depression. These sorts of things can spiral downward and lead to school refusal, poor mental health and subsequent academic struggles as they get older, so the school must do more now.

I'm not sure how / who you've spoken to but I think you should escalate it. The Head should be aware and you should speak in the strongest terms about your daughter's mental health and wellbeing.

The clique "decrees" also sound more like bullying to me, which the school should not be tolerating.

If you get no luck keep escalating to governors. Worst case scenario if all else fails is there another school she could attend with a more supportive pastoral approach?

Finally, and in the meantime can she join some new fun outside clubs and groups like youth theatres or similar, and make non-school friends to help her self-esteem?

Keep speaking to the school and if there is no adequate response try the governors or look for another school. Are there no clubs / activities at some of the breaktimes? Could she go to a younger class to help once or twice a week? (I know this won't give her friends, but she will be less lonely.)

How / why did she fall out with the other girls?

Thank you so much....it is potentially an option but it's hard to get school places round here.
I have been dismissed by the school so many times that I find it hard to know what's normal behaviour from a school, they have made me feel my expectations are too high. If she even had one person to hang out with it wouldn't be so bad but she is so alone that is why I feel they should be helping.

Honestly, I've been a teacher for years and I'd move schools.

Sitting boy girl in the classroom is a crap method for a start.

But she hasn't found any people at her school and to me it sounds like you have tried all of the things I would normally suggest. And if she was five or six it would be different but she isn't.

This might sound mad- we don't have a mixed school, but would you consider trying to find a boy friend - like friend who is a boy? Try playdates etc? If the girls groups are so closed off? Maybe ask the teacher is there a quieter boy that she could sit with? You're meeting them half way and they might look unreasonable if they can't work within their own policy to support you.

Move school

Poor thing.
I was a social outcast at that age and my parents did move me to another school.

Thank you all. I'm actually crying because you are all being so kind. I have felt so alone in this and keep thinking I'm being unreasonable because the school have dismissed me so much.
I spoke to the headmistress, she refused to admit exclusion is bullying I was told not to use that word, she said there has never been bullying in the school. She did do some weak chats with the class about not leaving people out and gave my daughter some one on one 'pep talks' which lifted her slightly but nothing has been done to address the situation in the yard.
I appreciate your responses because it gives me a feel for what should actually go on....other than my own childhood experience I don't have other experience of primary schools. It is just so sad because we had made so much effort with the other parents and children over the years and my daughter is afraid of change.
I'm concerned if a school move doesn't go well for her things could get even worse for her confidence wise.

How much of a nuisance are you making yourself to the school? Because if you are acquiescent, mild or easily silenced they will do what is easiest for them which is to silence and ignore you. I hate to say it, but you need to be so annoying that they would rather make a change than to listen to you complain again.
Being nice gets trampled.

Oh god this was me as a kid. I would walk around the perimeter of the playground on my own every day when the other kids were playing.

I hope you can help your daughter.

That sounds heartbreaking for you OP, especially the bit about her watching her brother in the playground to feel less lonely. The school’s attitude sounds very dismissive and lacking on the pastoral care side of things. If a pupil is unhappy and lonely at school that’s not something for them to just shrug their shoulders about, especially as it doesn’t sound like they’ve tried much. I really would be tempted to move her elsewhere, to a school that puts a lot of emphasis on the child’s well-being and not just academic results.

Whilst the head can't make eight year olds play together at breaks, there are loads of other things she could do. Such as get rid of her preposterous girl/boy seating plan.

She could stage some ELSA interventions or start clubs up at breaks to encourage relationships between her pupils. You know, as they aren't permitted to do that in lessons. 🙄

She's a liar if she says there has never been any bullying in her school! Unless it was built in the last month.

It sounds like she, the head, is crap and isn't going to do anything about this at all. I'd start her off in a new school. You have to act as the school isn't going to. It sounds like you have done all you can do out of school.

I’m so sorry to hear this OP. I think the schools response is not good enough. And as PP said, sitting the kids ‘boy girl boy girl’ in a class with lots of boisterous / disruptive boys is definitely just using quiet female children to manage the behaviour of difficult boys and I find this really problematic and disappointing, I think you should point this out to your school in strong terms.
I would definitely be escalating to the head teacher and if no joy I’d consider switching her school.
To give you and example of how these things can be dealt with, when I have had similar issues with my DD age six, the teachers were really responsive. They sat her on a different table, they gave her a role as a well-being ambassador (along with some other quite sensitive types who were struggling to make friends) - these kids all got lanyards and special jobs to do at playtimes looking after the younger kids, and this gave her a bit of ‘status’ in the class and put her in a context where it was a bit easier to make friends. The teachers also tackled the topic of exclusion/ inclusion in PHSE with the whole class (so not singling her out but making it clear to the cliquey girls that excluding people was not OK). They also kept an eye on her at break times and gave her classroom jobs to do if she was having a really tricky time. Their response has made a big difference. Good luck and I hope things improve for your DD - these situations are heartbreaking.

I made myself quite a big nuisance last term but it almost feels like revenge that the headmistress named my daughter and one of the mean girls in front of the class in the context that she was frustrated at getting phone calls from me about the situation. I am afraid now of anything I do making things worse for her. She has begged me not to say anything else because she doesn't like that kind of public humiliation.

Sorry I posted before I saw your update about the head. Unbelievable she is denying that bullying has ever taken place in her school. She sounds deluded. I would definitely take the risk of a school move. I don’t think it can get much worse for your DD at the moment and a fresh start could be really positive.

Huge hugs op, have been there. My son was moved to beside two boys who he clicked with and it changed everything. It’s a pity the school aren’t doing more for you. I’d say these things change, sometimes the cliques just break up naturally sometimes not but I would look at the possibility of moving school (I know you said it’s difficult). Try not to be sad for her either, I was on my own a lot as a child and I learned to be happy on my own(now an author), but made good friends later in primary and then some in secondary x Keep up with all you’re doing, you’re brilliant x

Newbie1011
Wow that was an amazing response by the school. Great to know what happens in other schools. Gives me some perspective .Glad it helped your child!

Oh OP that’s shocking. This is really not usual. I would try and move her. And then document what’s happened and send it to the governors.

Any head who says there has never been bullying at their school is a liar, there will have been bullying but they chose not to label it as bullying.

In my children's old primary there is a buddy bench, there is also a group of lovely year 6 boys and girls who are responsible for noticing someone is on the bench and going to talk to them. They will walk round with them and try to insert them into games being played. Even if they are not successful into encouraging playing with their year group they at least have someone to talk to at break and lunch resulting in a far less lonely child. Thinking of others is a key ethos for the school.

I would move schools, honestly yours sounds awful. Ring round today and see if anyone has any spaces. The school are failing your child. Again at my children's old school they have a group who fall into emotional barriers to learning ie no friends, upset their Grandparent has died etc so they identify these children and they have some time with a counsellor who helps them through this time but also sometimes buddies them up with other children or others in the group.

Yes! @Newbie1011 that is exactly what my children's school would do. I had forgotten about giving them a role to do, promoted above your peers sort of thing, even if that was collecting the milk from the fridge. Ds2 is almost 18 and I have never forgotten what a great school they went to.

@Mumof3onetwothree I wouldn't bother approaching the head, just try a new school. Talk to them about your reasons for the move and hopefully they will be much more clued in as to how they can help her.

Is there just one class? We have had people moved to the other class because of friendship issues.
When you say it’s a large class, 30 odd is usual, that’s no excuse for them to not manage normal issues like class control and friendships.