Child alone in school yard all the time and lonely, what can I do

[Mumof3onetwothree]

My 8 year old daughter is alone in the school yard all the time. It's been like this for several terms now. We have approached the school but they've said with a child who is quiet and timid there's not much you can do. We've also asked for her to sit beside like minded peers in the hope at least that she can have some contact with similar children in the classroom but they have said their policy is to alternate boys and girls and so she is always beside the more boisterous boys in the class. She used to play with lots of the girls but then began to be excluded.
I have spent years doing playdates, going to the park with the classmates etc. at this stage now it feels like I am a bit taken advantage of as in the parents happy to accept playdate for childcare purposes or for me to drop their child home but the girls don't play with her in the yard.
She does extra curricular activities, again she is quiet, we don't have any neighbours her age, cousins live abroad.
Is there anything I can do? And if not how to we cope with the sadness that this is happening. I feel I was so lucky in my childhood to always have at least one friend at school.

I've also posted this in the parenting thread

Nope sorry, this is NOT normal and totally unacceptable OP (speaking with my ex-teacher hat on).

Can I ask you a few things? The way you talk about the school (using the word headmistress for example) makes it sound very old-fashioned and unusually so. Is this a state school? Is us very religious? Are you particularly rural? (not saying all rural / religious or private schools are old-fashioned of course).

The response from the Head that there has never been bullying made me howl out loud. That is utter rubbish!!!! and makes me think her number 1 concern is in shutting you up. NO school is completely without bullying. Unfortunately it's how some children operate - always have and always will. But it's about how the school manages it that's what matters. Sticking their heads in the sand and saying it's not a problem here is no way to deal with this, and smacks of reputation-protecting rather than placing the child first.

I would be highly angry about this and would not tolerate them trying to sweep this under the carpet or moderate your choice of the word bullying.

I think you need to advocate more loudly for your daughter and they are letting her down badly OP. You clearly love her and want the best but don't allow yourself to be bullied by this school culture of silencing you.

Going back to what type of school it is - you need your use their systems to support you. Whether that's state SLT, governance, private school owners, academy trusts, etc. Start writing everything down, correspond via email and keep a log. Keep going back to the Head and don't let her leave your daughter to fend for herself. Escalate to the next step if no progress.

Is your DD engaging in any fun out of school activities with other children?

You were "told"? Does she think you are another child? I would be kicking a big fuss about this. Escalate to the governors or anyone above. It's disgusting behaviour condoned by the headmistress

I’m another vote for change schools. That’s just not an acceptable response.

My son’s school has friendship benches in the playground, anyone without someone to play with sits on the bench and all children are encouraged to go over and try to involve the child in their game/friendship group. Even if from another school year.

Oh this made me feel so sad as I was that child at primary school. I used to read at lunchtimes on the playground.

secondary school was better as I found some friends there.

Also any headteacher who says she has never had any bullying is an out and out liar! Every school has bullies - it’s how effectively schools deal with it that’s important!

I really feel for you and your DD. The school have responded terribly. The school should be doing much to your DD feel less lonely, from what you have said they haven’t tried anything.

Is it a small school? Do you have mid-day supervisors? My DD started primary late so she had never been to school before and started in Year 2. One of the mid-day supervisors took her under her wing and walked around the playground with her everyday until she made some friends. They also have buddy benches and play co-ordinators to get all the children involved in games at lunchtimes. It’s a big 4 form entry primary school. Not all schools are like your DD’s I would definitely look at other schools.

I think the school's response is ridiculous. My son's school is far from perfect but they have staff supervising the yard specifically to ensure nobody is feeling left out. These staff organise games everyone can play, and know which children like which games. For very shy children they will find a task over lunchtime and assign it to that child and a well chosen peer. And they are absolutely open to socially engineering the seating plan so a quiet child is put with potential friends.

At 8 if you move her she has a good chance of forming good friendships and enjoying the remainder of primary school - I would move her.

Also, I've just seen this ^^. This absolutely appalling and you could complain to the governors about that on the grounds that your child's confidence and wellbeing was affected by being humiliated by the head in front of her peers. Deeply unprofessional and irresponsible. Please remember, the school has a duty of care towards protecting your child's mental health and they are not fulfilling that duty.

Move her. It sounds horrible there. Even if it's to a technically worse school, this one isn't working.

I would seriously look at moving her. Sometimes a fresh start can work wonders. Children get into cliques and it's hard to get out of the box you are put in.

We moved house when my ds was 7.5 and moving school was in hindsight fantastic for him. His old school was ok but he didn't have any friends really, was always on the edge of things. He was more mature, non sporty and a bit of a maths geek. The other boys were boisterous and noisy. He moved school and because he was new he was a novelty and everyone wanted to be his friend. He became popular and gained huge amounts of confidence. Within a year he was a totally different child.

Our school have staff on the playground at break times who will initiate group games and activities. They also have “Friendship benches” that a child can sit on and and one of the school’s “Friend Ambassadors” will go and sit with them.

I’d be asking questions as to why your school can’t do similar.

I don’t normally advocate moving schools because I think it can be quite disruptive for the child, but I think in this situation as your child doesn’t have any friends there and the school are refusing to make any changes to help her I would move schools, I can’t imagine she’d be any worse off in a new school and she’ll have to opportunity to make new friends.

The school are allowing your child to be bullying and are also bullying you and her themselves into accepting this!

Your update about the headmistress’ comments are disgusting - I would report her to the governors!!

Oh OP - sending you a huge hug, it's so hard to see your child hurting and feel powerless.

I was that lonely child in primary school due to undiagnosed autism and I usually suggest autism/ ADHD to posters who's children don't fit in. However, I'd agree with others that the school sounds rubbish - how bloody well dare the head tell you not to use the word bullying!

It's unacceptable to turf a little girl out into a playground every day knowing she has no chance of playing with the other children.

I think you need to make a complaint in writing to the governors using the word bullying.

Our Primary school had a bench where anyone who didn't have someone to play with could go and sit. All the children understood that this person wanted to join in but needed some kind other children to give them a hand.
I'm sure the teachers found better words than this.

I understood that it worked well.

Well spotted! We are in Ireland. It's a Gaelscoil ie total immersion in Irish language. It's a new school and at the open night it was promoted as having an educate together type ethos. Child led etc. and it's close to our house so that's why we chose it.
Unfortunately it has turned out to be very old fashioned. Strict old school punishments. And the policing of speaking English in the yard takes priority ie caught speaking English 3 times and sent to the headmistress. Sounds like in some schools the older children are 'buddies' for the younger ones....in this school the older children sometimes have to police the yard for anyone speaking english..i think the enforcement of speaking Irish creates the fear based culture and speaking Irish is the most important thing not student well-being.
Very frustrating as at the opening night....and interestingly at my second childs welcome evening we were specifically told the children are not punished for speaking Irish.

Your school sounded awful.

We had this problem last year. DD fell out with a popular girl who was her friend the year before. The girl led other girls to exclude DD. She spent a lot of time on her own during play time and told us she has no friends. We went to see the teachers and they were very supportive. It's a 2-form entry school and this year she was moved to a class without that girl. She's found a friend which she'll now happily tell us about. She's also been invited to the school orchestra and band which help her with the problem of 'no group to join' during lunch and break I'm sure.

The school can do so much more. It warms my heart to hear about the kindness embassadar a PP mentioned. My DD would love to do that. She's very black and white about rules and she's very kind.

This is absolutely heartbreaking.

I'd be telling the head what's what if it were me. Getting rid of the ridiculous boy-girl seating plan would be a good start. But I'm unsure of what much else can be done beyond moving schools as the head is completely ill equipped.

I’d move her it sounds a miserable place! My daughter has always been quite, she still is as an adult and prefers one or two friends, at Uni she isn’t with the popular set and even friends she grew up with she is the quiet one. It’s just how she is and hopefully your daughter will find that one friend who will understand.

I was a teacher in primary schools for decades prior to retirement. The school are using your quiet and well behaved child as a tool to manage behaviour and this is wrong. If your daughter was in my class I would have her seated with a girl with a similar personality.

Alternate boy/girl seating arrangements are something I did on occasion but not all the time, it was usually for a particular lesson or activity. In my own experience children in primary school are seated according to ability for core subjects as this makes it easier to pitch the learning at the appropriate level for groups e.g. I would set the top maths group a reasoning task involving fractions while the lower ability children might still be using manipulatives to explore fractions such as two thirds are the same as four sixths.

For other lessons I would often let children sit with who they like on the condition they all focused on the learning going on and if they didn’t they would be moved. I found this always worked well for the vast majority of children.

Your daughter needs to be supported to develop friendships. I would do this by asking her and a like minded child to do jobs for me, chat to her and draw like minded children into the conversation. There is a great deal a school can do to develop friendships and support social skills.

It’s probably not much consolation but I was like this at primary school, but found my gang at secondary school and have never had any problem making friends since. Hopefully she’ll be the same - being on my own a lot in primary school let me develop my own interests and a certain amount of resilience in being able to do things on my own. So please try not to worry too much (though obviously I don’t mean you shouldn’t try to help).

That sounds more like prison than school!

Move her immediately. Sounds really awful. You don't need to keep her there

My kids are also in a language immersion school but there is no such policy of policing language used in the playground! This is a very old fashioned view of languages and I feel sorry for those kids.

Our school had a buddy system and my very shy child is looking forward to when she can be a buddy as she wants to help a little one. She definitely struggles socially but is doing better and when I have approached her teacher I have felt supported and they have actively encouraged me to come back again if I'm worried. They also have a newsletter with the contacts for support for each year. So I mean they is very different to the structure in your child's school. I would reconsider although it must be said that having fluent Irish will be a massive advantage to your daughter later on.

Her school sounds awful, move her to a more nurturing one. There are lots of things that can easily be put in place. Dd's primary school had a quiet seated area(later outdoor bean bags after parental donations) and a selection of books to read and an area for simple board games Connect 4 etc to be played for the quieter children and to help them with somewhere to go to be social.

I am not arm chair diagnosing, however struggling with socialising and being afraid of change can often be a sign of autism. It's worth looking at the Girls Autistic Network and seeing if any of the other traits sound familiar, autism in girls presents very differently than autism in boys. However, being afraid of change is not a reason not to do it autism or not if it would benefit her, it'll just take her a little while to get settled. You may find on moving her that she sparks with someone and develops a good friendship and she'll gain confidence