4 year old not being invited to parties

[dual90]

Ok, so here goes. My child is happy, confident and friendly, she’s extremely sociable, but one of the youngest in her year. For this reason I was kind of expecting a few more party invites, especially as I had noticed on the board at school most birthdays are actually in November and December. She seems happy at school, but it was only yesterday I got chatting to another parent who dropped into the conversation that they’d been having 2 parties a day at weekends and it was getting a bit much. I was slightly surprised as my DD had only had 2 parties since stating reception. One was a whole year thing right at the start so everybody was invited, the other was a smaller girl party with a closer friend. She’s starting talking about parties that others at school we’re going to have, but no idea if they were just fictitious or sometime in the future. I’ve actually been checking her book bag expecting invites to be in there, but none! I came away from
the what’s app group as it started causing me anxiety. A friend mentioned her child was loud and my child was quieter ( which I don’t necessarily agree with) she’s not particularly quiet - but I have no idea how she comes across at school. That she may be getting over looked. She kept asking about another girls party who I know she plays with occasionally at school, but I had to explain we can’t go unless invited. I intially thought I may be missing invites by not being on the what’s app group - but have been assured there is nothing going on there party wise. It’s old fashioned invite in the book bag, but to date we’ve had none! I know it’s a stupid thing to get worked up about. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to this kind of social pressure and the whole fabric of school due to my own difficult school life. But I honestly don’t remember the party thing being an issue when I was a kid, it was either around somebody house and you invited a couple of people from school and maybe a few from the neighbourhood, there simply wasn’t this type of pressure. I’ve been told I should be glad we aren’t being invited to cold community halls with crap food - but that’s easy to say when your child is being invited!

The invites dont go directly on WhatsApp but people will probably be using the list of people on the group to create the invite list as teachers aren't allowed to hand out personal info like that.

Get back on the WhatsApp group and make sure you introduce yourself as you join.

Yes get back on the WhatsApp group ASAP and introduce yourself.

I suspect your anxiety around it may contribute somewhat. Get chatting to the other parents and make yourself seem sociable too.

I have thought about this, but I’ve honestly been happier not being on it, but may have to relent.

Do you know the other parents and speak to them on the playground? I'd be getting myself out there and making connections with them too.

Yes I agree with pp - bite the bullet and go on the WhatsApp group.

Are you sure they aren’t being organised by WhatsApp? I’d say 75% of our YR and Y1 parties were invitations via WhatsApp - very few physical invites…

Have you had any playdates with any of the kids? Do the parents know you? Is your DD close with any of these kids or more of a floater from group to group?

At that age parties are either whole class or the kids who get mentioned the most/have more interactions with.

It’s so hard not to stew on these things and it hurts even more when it’s your kids being left out so I feel for you! I agree most parties are organised via WhatsApp these days and regardless you need to get back on. What’s causing you stress with it?

Do some play dates, keep bright and breezy about parties and invite kids to hers when the time comes.

They'll be creating a private group for the party goers 'Evie's party' etc and if you're not on the participants list, you're likely to be forgotten. I certainly do this: out of sight, out of mind.

Go back on and mute the conversation, have a scan each week for info and that's it.

But also: how was the WhatsApp group causing anxiety?

I hate our class WhatsApp group but I stay on it so that people have my number for exactly this reason. I just mute it and occasionally look in case I have missed something.

You sound very caring Op, and clearly just want to make sure your child is happy and being included. However it maybe your worries that is making this feel like a bigger deal that it is. My observation is that friendships are very fickle at this age. Christmas cards was enlightening, my child got them from various kids I'd never heard the names of and didn't get ones back from kids she wrote them to, there were only two children where they both sent and received them from each other. She's also been invited to a grand total of one party since starting reception. You've said your daughter is happy at school which is the most important thing, so I would say give it some time for her to make her close buddies and help her realise being invited to all the parties isn't important. I would also say it's a good idea to stay in the WhatsApp group as potentially excluding yourself from it could make you feel more out the loop/worse. It's also handy for general updates and reminders.

I thought DS wasn't getting invited and then discovered a handful of invites that hadn't made their way into his book bag on time for a number of reasons.

But I agree with others - rejoin the WhatsApp and maybe have a few play dates if she has the energy after school or at weekends.

It’s complicated. There were a couple of issues at the beginning of the year after a parents evening. A few of the parents at including myself got a bit miffed about what had been said by a certain teacher on parents evening, the what’s app chat kind of exploding with quite a few people saying the same thing. However, none of what was said was nasty or being unfair to the teacher, it was more we weren’t completely agreeing with what had been said and found it slightly unfair due to it being very soon in the term. They’d only just started!

However, to cut a long story short a few of the mums obviously work at the school ( I didn’t know this ) and got extremely defensive and starting saying the group had a bad ‘vibe’. And honestly that wasn’t the case at all, we were just voicing an opinion, but certainly not being nasty or unkind towards the school- but despite that the head obviously got wind of this and then did send an email the next day.

it caused a lot of anxiety and although I’m a fairly confident and stable person I do find this type of thing quite difficult to deal with. So I left the what’s app group really because of that.

I’ve written my reply further down

Given all the advice here, do you feel comfortable putting the start of term difficulties behind you, rejoining the class WhatsApp in order to be on the list, muting it and just dipping in occasionally?

It sounds like a pretty toxic school and social environment.

Is it the only school available for your child?

@dual90 just so you know, don't ever participate in even mildly badmouthing the school on the WhatsApp group. Even if you think what you're saying is justified. Take your concerns direct to school.

The parents who engage in doing it ALWAYS look bad.

But you're new to the school and people will forget so it's water under the bridge and just get back on it.

Given the information we have - an unexplained issue with a teacher and some tetchy discussion on a a WhatsApp - that's a very inflammatory response.

Reception parents moaning about schools often have unrealistic expectations. They often expect daily reports like nursery etc
It just doesn't happen.
But party invites - you need to be on it to get them

I will try again with the group, I think enough time has passed, new year new start and all that. The only thing is the other Mum did say nothing was going on party wise on the what’s app group…but maybe you are right it’s at a case of having contacts on there.

I’ll give it another go - despite being told the party stuff wasn’t happening in there. I guess I didn’t realise the politics of the school and how much courting the other parents would be so important! So different to nursery!

Your child went to a party where others weren't invited and you were fine with that so it might be others are having smaller ones aswell with just friendship groups - Its stressful doing parties, I wouldn't take it personally unless it's a child I know they played with

Despite the fact outside of school life people would consider me sociable and confident I’ve always struggled in this type of situation. I struggled as a pupil at school( even though not when I was very young ) I struggled when I went into teaching ( in a school setting ) and now I’m struggling with it as a parent! I don’t seem to mix very well in schools, kind of square peg round hole situation, which without going into too much on here I was seriously questioning whether to send her so young or considered alternatives. Oddly enough I am going to be on site in the school as we are starting something with the company I work for, so will be more visible. So hopefully that will help.

I’m aware of that, but the one I was referring to was a very small party with maybe 6 max. The other party was a whole reception thing where everybody was invited. To date I have no idea if there have been other bigger parties or class parties that she may have missed out on. Of course not every child will be invited, so obviously when people say their child is being invited to parties all the time you do think, well that’s not happening to us!