4 year old not being invited to parties

[dual90]

Ok, so here goes. My child is happy, confident and friendly, she’s extremely sociable, but one of the youngest in her year. For this reason I was kind of expecting a few more party invites, especially as I had noticed on the board at school most birthdays are actually in November and December. She seems happy at school, but it was only yesterday I got chatting to another parent who dropped into the conversation that they’d been having 2 parties a day at weekends and it was getting a bit much. I was slightly surprised as my DD had only had 2 parties since stating reception. One was a whole year thing right at the start so everybody was invited, the other was a smaller girl party with a closer friend. She’s starting talking about parties that others at school we’re going to have, but no idea if they were just fictitious or sometime in the future. I’ve actually been checking her book bag expecting invites to be in there, but none! I came away from
the what’s app group as it started causing me anxiety. A friend mentioned her child was loud and my child was quieter ( which I don’t necessarily agree with) she’s not particularly quiet - but I have no idea how she comes across at school. That she may be getting over looked. She kept asking about another girls party who I know she plays with occasionally at school, but I had to explain we can’t go unless invited. I intially thought I may be missing invites by not being on the what’s app group - but have been assured there is nothing going on there party wise. It’s old fashioned invite in the book bag, but to date we’ve had none! I know it’s a stupid thing to get worked up about. I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to this kind of social pressure and the whole fabric of school due to my own difficult school life. But I honestly don’t remember the party thing being an issue when I was a kid, it was either around somebody house and you invited a couple of people from school and maybe a few from the neighbourhood, there simply wasn’t this type of pressure. I’ve been told I should be glad we aren’t being invited to cold community halls with crap food - but that’s easy to say when your child is being invited!

I do work, but not full time and quite flexible. My partner is too so we’ve taken it in turns to do drop off and pick up and occasionally grandparents have picked up. Not a regular regular. I’ll be honest, I did retreat for a bit and found the whole standing in the playground trying to make small talk unbearable, and especially after the what’s app incident. I kind of have huge social anxiety when it comes to this kind of thing, just not in other situations I’m pretty confident. I’m sure it’s s school thing, I struggled as a pupil, and as a teacher and now as a parent. It all
just feels so competitive and judging.

OP we missed parties DD was definitely invited to because neither of us were on the WhatsApp group.

The thing was kids were definitely saying she was invited but as they didn't do paper invites we didn't know.

@dual90 are you planning to hold a party for your DC?

Yes, but her birthday is later in the summer. If we do, we’d invite the whole class.

Just how I treat group WhatsApp groups . They aren’t all your friends , some will have been delighted to report to school .

it’s not a group for complaining .

mute is a good idea . Especially when gossiping .

I would also say your child may be very different at home to at school .

I've just done invites for my sons bday. I haven't invited the whole class so didn't put it on the WhatsApp group but used the WhatsApp group to get the parents numbers. I think you just need to be on there and then ignore it. Though that might be harder for you as our group is mostly 'is it pe tomorrow'.

Could it be that the party invites are actually being done on WA but the other mum didn't want to upset you?

I agree with the PPs that it's probably a combination of you not being visible on WA and not being visible at playground pick ups. Mums sending out invites won't know about every single child in the class, so if you're not visible enough other parents may not know who your child is.

Maybe she does come across as quiet/shy in the context of her class? There's no point getting defensive about it, if you want her to be invited you'll just need to engage a bit with the other parents unfortunately.

Yes, I’m aware of that. I don’t know how she comes across at school, but everybody who meets her comments on how confident and sociable she is. So it’s concerning if this is being dulled a little by school.

I realised the incident with the group was really blown out of proportion and a big mistake. It caused a lot of anxiety. But hopefully it’s been forgotten. And like school it really feels like you say some would have been delighted to report this back, I guess this is what I find very uncomfortable about the whole thing.

Well I guess I don’t know how she comes across there - it’s not about being defensive the mum who said that doesn’t really know my child very well to really say that, probably just saying it to make me feel better. But I have no idea - I guess that’s the sad thing about school, we don’t know how our children are coming across in class.

I doubt it's anything to do with your dd's personality whether she is quiet or not. It's simply that you aren't visible in places where parents can get your info to pass on party invites. I have a 4 year old and believe me I have no idea who is who in a class of 29 kids despite doing all the drop offs and pick ups and being visible on WhatsApp.

It's nothing to do with your child... Parents nowadays invite the kids of the parents they know and are friendly with

My DD is in reception, her teacher said at parents evening she is popular and plays with everyone but she has no party invites at all the first term and I was a bit worried.

She’s just had her birthday so I did the first whole class party and I also made a big effort to introduce myself to mums at the nativity and another Christmas event - totally out of my comfort zone.

I come to realise a lot of mums in DD’s class are already mates from preschool or through their older kids and they’ve been inviting each other and their mates in other reception classes (we have five in total) to parties which is fair enough.

Our whole class party plus me making the effort with the mums seems to have done the trick anyway, DD is suddenly getting loads of invites and mums drinks has also been suggested.

Also play dates are often arranged on WhatsApp. We often have questions like is little pumpkins mum on here. You just need to be in the group. Don’t write anything bad about the school on it. Many mums are TAs at school. Just be polite.

DS is in year 1. Most parties just go on the Whatsapp group rather than physical invitations being sent to each kid.

Throw a party, invite the whole class, put on great entertainment, she will probably get invited then.

At that age it also matters alot how much the mums get on. Also though, this is life, no one can be invited to all the parties - they would be exhausted, getting used to not being included in everything is part of life.

I know that. But obviously you can’t help wonder why your child isn’t being invited, and yes, I’d be moaning like mad if there was 2 each week! But there is plenty of time in life to learn these lessons. And I’m sure the whole party pressure was t really issue when I was at school. My question is more, realising parties have been going on and we’ve certainly not been invited to a lot of them!

Personally i find age in year makes a difference (though doesnt sound like iit in the op case)
My dc is born october and their friendship group is
Oct
Novx4
Dec
Janx3
Marx2

Most also have older sibs

We started with a few of the younger in year but they have drifted off.

My daughter is a summer baby - one of the youngest.

@dual90

I’ll be honest, I did retreat for a bit and found the whole standing in the playground trying to make small talk unbearable, and especially after the what’s app incident

This will be the reason unfortunately. Just join the WhatsApp again & try to speak to people. You don't need to be mates with these people but it helps to be friendly.

I would also suggest organising a social that isn't a party. Maybe soft play or park after school? That will give DD chance to bond a bit better.

Also anything written on a school WhatsApp is likely to be shown at some point to headteacher. It's best to keep it to sending out info & reminders. Deal with any issues directly with teacher.

I'm intrigued by what was so bad it needed a WhatsApp chat.

OP , I agree with PP @converseandjeans in the nicest possible way , this is not about your daughter , but the fact you have withdrawn mostly from all school interaction channels is what’s causing this .
At that young age is mostly mums who know other mums type of thing that drives the party invite list .
You need to put yourself out there a bit more .

it will be fine , good luck

Thank you. It was about a parents evening only 4 weeks into term. A few of the parents hadn’t been particularly happy with what had been said, ie it felt far too soon to be drawing such conclusions when first of all they’ve only just started to settle in, and of course the huge age differences between the children. But we felt this isn’t really being taken into account. So it kind of of became a bit of a debate about that really. But certainly should not have been put into the what’s app group! But somehow it did. I did try and just not comment on there and look at it very occasionally. But I just found after that it all became stressful. It made the school drop off and pick up worse. And yes the head got involved. I did find after I’d removed my self from it I relaxed a little.

But that was beginning of term in reception, I guess I’ll have to try again.

Honestly, I’d look at what you’re modelling for your four year old — you’re ridiculously anxious about even a muted WhatsApp group, you don’t like doing school pick-ups and drop-offs, you didn’t fit into your own school environment and seem to be replicating that here, you’re worried about your child’s comparative lack of party invitations AND you’re overreacting to someone saying your child is ‘reserved’. Work on your anxieties.

I hate the school WhatsApp group and I don’t contribute to any discussion on there but it is helpful for reminders etc. just rejoin and don’t get involved in any controversial conversation.

this is reception and youve only experienced one term. Relax a bit. The invites will come

First of all I wasn’t over reacting. That is not a general observation of my child by most people. Just hers, so I’m not agreeing with it. But of course she may present differently at school. I’m not over anxious but I do find this situation quite difficult. I’m not modelling anything for her, she doesn’t know about any of this. I’ve been through s lot and my school life was living hell most days. I’m not transferring that onto her, party invites wouldn’t have entered my thoughts, it was just another parents comments that triggered this, and me wondering why. I think that’s perfectly normal. But as usual sadly amongst all the good advice I am now getting abrupt messages. I’m ok with doing all of this and most parents would probsmiy agree drop off and pick ups aren’t their most favoured thing in school life.

Maybe try and organise a get together at local park or soft play in half term

Ask if a day is better for some - as long as you can be flexible and start talking to mums