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Original poster

Schoolgate Mafia

81 replies

Smarteenie · 17/03/2008 18:54

I am having an absolute nightmare with the politics that surround the School Gate Mafia. I just wasn't expecting it. Does anyone have any tips on dealing with it? I am taking the approach of smiling and being pleasant to everyone but finding it difficult when they are all in their little cliques and permanently looking down their noses at some of the mothers. Can't cope with another 6 years of it!! I am on the PTA etc. Is it just a case of carry on smiling and not letting it get me down (for 6 years?!)?!

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claricebeansmum · 17/03/2008 18:56

Ha ha ha ha ha ha

I became embroiled in schoolgate mafia early on but now distance myself - ration the number of coffee mornings etc and keep your friends close but your enemies closer!

StripeyMama · 17/03/2008 18:57

Ah, the Muffia.

Just smile and don't let it get to you is all I can advise.

peacelily · 17/03/2008 19:09

I have to drive past 3 primary schools on my way to work and am already dreading this prospect (dd 18m). TBH I think groups of women who congregate in little grpups and exclude others and make them feel interior are idiots and not worth bothering with.

Be separate and proud, better for you and a better role model for dcs. Make a big effort to smile and make friends with other parents who're being cast out/not allowed in and always make the effort to smile and be friendly to any newcomers/unusual types who don't fit into their toxic bitch clique.

RosaIsRed · 17/03/2008 19:13

What is this playground mafia of which you speak? I am worried I might be in it without realising. How could I tell? Please advise soonest.

dinny · 17/03/2008 19:15

yes, same at our school - absolutely vile and really upsetting!

no advice, just wanted to sympathise

OrmIrian · 17/03/2008 19:15

I rarely get bothered by it. When my first was in reception I did my very best to make friends for DS#1's sake as much as mine. And the friends I made then are still friends (well in school context). I really can't be bothered anymore. Don't worry. Smile distantly and keep away.

cupsoftea · 17/03/2008 19:15

Ignore them

dinny · 17/03/2008 19:16

dd still gets excluded from all invitations to tea/parties from the clique generally, it never fails to upset me.

it's miserable, have never encountered such a bunch of rude feckers in my life!

tegan · 17/03/2008 19:21

dd1 is in year 5 and dd2 will be starting in september so i am stuck with this for many years to come.

I am vice chair on the pta and was also a governor and i too distance myself from it all as i have seen it get really nasty at the gates and even worse away from school.

like i said find a nice little group of mums from your dc's class and stick with them or generally not get involved with anyone.

dinny · 17/03/2008 19:32

why is it like this? it's soooo strange.

tegan · 17/03/2008 19:38

I also found this extremely odd as probably 25% of the mums in dd1's class all went to school together from the age of 5, me included and the school our dc go to is the one we went to and yet these are the mums who make a point of avoiding each other.

Jane68 · 17/03/2008 19:46

Wow, its like a throwback to the playground, I have this joy to come. Fortunately I'm a bolshy git so I'm sure I'll get no end of fun earning their disapproval. You survived it in school my gal, you'll do it again.

avenanap · 17/03/2008 19:50

I smile and say good morning whilst wearing my sexiest outfit and looking like a hot mamma so they think I'm after their husbands! . It's very effective. I try to avoid them at other times and will go for a coffee with the rest of the human mothers that are more in touch with reality.

rantinghousewife · 17/03/2008 19:53

I am probably in a clique or two (to the outside world it probably looks that way) but, am so cheesed off with the politics of who looked at who the wrong way ('What? Are you fecking 5!!') that I am going back to work....hopefully.

barking · 17/03/2008 19:55

Depending on what mood I'm in - I aim for bright and breezy, keep conversation neutral, try and be friendly to all, or just smile.

When I've had no sleep, I hide in the car or behind a tree until I catch I glimpse of dc's then grab and run

dinny · 17/03/2008 20:19

yeh, I'd go insane if I didn't escape to work twice a week!

ScienceTeacher · 17/03/2008 20:39

The answer is to get an aupair, or failing that, always arrive late to pick up your little ones.

Twiglett · 17/03/2008 20:43

don't understand this concept

it's so anti-women isn't it? because that's what you're talking about .. you're talking about groups of friends who chat and have a laugh

I see loads of groups of women, I stand with them sometimes and laugh and chat, I rove amongst others, sometimes I stand on my own because I can't be arsed

But really they're just people trying to make life easier for themselves by chatting as women are wont to do.

it's not a mafia .. it's your internal voice that is telling you they're talking about you or other people .. tell your internal voice to shut-the-fuck-up and you'll find life much much easier

eekamoose · 17/03/2008 20:55

Do you honestly think that groups of grown-up friends at the school gates are "looking down their noses at some of the mothers"? Honestly?? Please give some specifics ... At my dcs huge primary school there are groups of mums chatting every morning. I am one of them. I chat to the people I know, mainly mums or nannies with children in my dcs classes. I don't find it intimidating at all. You can't know everyone and can't be friends with everyone! Just don't understand this concept at all. Perhaps I am oblivious or my dcs go to a generally friendly and non-cliquey school.

But, actually, I can't imagine we're any different to any other school. London state primary, good mix of ethnicity and social backgrounds. Have never ever heard anyone make a bitchy comment about any other parent in the playground.

peacelily · 17/03/2008 21:08

I wish it was as innocent as groups of friends who chat and have a laugh!

There's only so many times you can be pointedly ignored openly sneered at or walked away from before you realise that you're just not part of the clan!

I'm not being paranoid, I have loads of friends but I AM v aware of Mum politics and TBH sometimes they're awful. The OP would not have raised the issue if it wasn't such a pertinent one.

In some areas you either fit in, or my God you don't and don't you know about it.

Original poster
Smarteenie · 17/03/2008 21:09

Ooops. Looks like I started something here and I didn't mean to . I think there are helpful pointers here from all of you thank you. I also get it that they are maybe not cliques but just groups of friends - I do get that. Perhaps I am just having an off day! Thanks for your help guys.

OP posts:
Oliveoil · 17/03/2008 21:11

I chat to people at my school and they are fine until their proper friends turn up

I am not arsed, they have known each other for eons, I am 'new' (5 years new )

also, I think it is paranoia, not everyone is ignoring or sneering, they may be thinking of the pile of ironing that awaits or why their dh is a knobhead

dinny · 17/03/2008 21:12

depends on the school, small village schools can be very cliquey

princessosyth · 17/03/2008 21:13

Not like this at all at ds's nursery which is attached to a school. I was dreading it because of all the posts on Mumsnet but it is very friendly and sociable.

rantinghousewife · 17/03/2008 21:14

Well I can honestly say there is something about a group of women at the schoolgate that makes them revert to childhood, (and I say that as someone who doesn't have a real problem fitting in) but, you do get a lot of backbiting.
I know 2 of the mums at ours aren't talking and one of them spends her entire time pumping me for info on the other. Makes me want to come over all school marmish!