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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Schoolgate Mafia

81 replies

Smarteenie · 17/03/2008 18:54

I am having an absolute nightmare with the politics that surround the School Gate Mafia. I just wasn't expecting it. Does anyone have any tips on dealing with it? I am taking the approach of smiling and being pleasant to everyone but finding it difficult when they are all in their little cliques and permanently looking down their noses at some of the mothers. Can't cope with another 6 years of it!! I am on the PTA etc. Is it just a case of carry on smiling and not letting it get me down (for 6 years?!)?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

hippipotami · 18/03/2008 08:04

Agree Orm, the children don't give two hoots who their mums do or don't talk to, and it does not make any difference in terms of getting asked to tea etc. Perhaps in the early months of being at school a parent may invite the child of a friend/acquaintance in an attempt to forge a friendship between the children, but later on the children make their own friends, in class and in the playground, and the last thing on their mind is 'does my mummy talk to your mummy'

Agree with UD too, we have a handful of very cool (and two very fit, one fireman swoon) dads at the schoolgate who are very nice, very chatty and just generally fab!!

needmorecoffee · 18/03/2008 08:11

You try having the only child with cerebral palsy in the whole school. They all turn and stare en masse as I wheelc her into the playground. Every bleedin' morning. DD never gets invites or playdates despite the kids (she's in the nursery class) playing with her inside the classroom.
Thank gawd she is changing schools in september and will be taken by taxi.
When I'm feeling charitible I think that possibly they have never met a child with severe CP before (dd can't speak either). When I'm not I think they are all bigots.
I don't think I have any friens who don't have a disabled child (and their kids all go to different schools or the special school)

hippipotami · 18/03/2008 08:16

Oh needmorecoffee, I have never replied to any of your threads (o, except the car one), but I can honestly say that if you were at my school I would be honoured to talk to you.

You and litte coffee sound fab.

Perhaps as you say people have never seen a child with CP like little coffee before and are unsure of what to say? No real excuse I know, but perhaps they are worried about saying the wrong thing?

seeker · 18/03/2008 08:27

How do you know it's a clique of people looking down their collective noses at you and not a group of friends having a laugh about something?

How do you know they are best buddies, and not a gropup of people who have found themselves standing in the same place at the same time and chatting socially?

WHy not go along to the PTFA meetings - they are always DESPERATE for people to do stuff!

How should people behave to look friendly and not exclude others? This last is an important question - I have never deliberately excluded anyone but I am worried that I might have done so accidentally.

chocolateteapot · 18/03/2008 08:27

I've never had any problems but there is a group of a few people at DD's school who all stand just outside with their dogs just outside the school gate.

They are all with out exception complete utter bitches and have no qualms about making bitchy comments about people so they can hear them and are queens of the bitchy sneer smile.

I know lots of people there and always have someone I need to have a chat with about something so it hasn't been a problem (plus I have mastered the sarcastic really glad to see you not smile which I trot out if necessary going past them) but I guess for people new to the school it is probably quite unpleasant.

Because we used to move a fair bit I've been collecting from 4 nurseries and two schools so far and I have noticed that they really do differ in how friendly it is in the playground.

Twiglett · 18/03/2008 08:30

of course some people, who are very nice inside, have faces like wasp's arses ... I find them very discouraging

princessosyth · 18/03/2008 08:33

Oh I don't do dogs, if we had a dog clique I would definitely be outside that one.

chocolateteapot · 18/03/2008 08:37

We have two dogs cliques. One side of the gate is normal people and the other side is made up of these, um, women.

windygalestoday · 18/03/2008 09:04

By needmorecoffee on Tue 18-Mar-08 08:11:42
You try having the only child with cerebral palsy in the whole school. They all turn and stare en masse as I wheelc her into the playground. Every bleedin' morning. DD never gets invites or playdates despite the kids (she's in the nursery class) playing with her inside the classroom.
Thank gawd she is changing schools in september and will be taken by taxi.
When I'm feeling charitible I think that possibly they have never met a child with severe CP before (dd can't speak either). When I'm not I think they are all bigots.
I don't think I have any friens who don't have a disabled child (and their kids all go to different schools or the special school)

thats rotten come round mine needmorecoffee-

fircone · 18/03/2008 09:19

needmorecoffee - . MIL had a child with cerebral palsy in the late 1950s. She says that NO-ONE would speak toher at the school gate when she took her younger ds to school. Every day she stood with a huge space around her, as if people thought her ds's disability were catching. I would like to think times have changed.

I think OliveOil's point is right - I don't think mums are outright RUDE, but often they know each other since way back when, and newcomers just ain't in the gang. I have barely spoken to another mother from ds's year, because he started in year one at his current school. However, because dd went to the nearby playschool, I know loads of mothers and always have someone to talk to.

That said, I've never met anybody through school to go and have a coffee with - sniff!

hippipotami · 18/03/2008 09:38

Gosh, that dog clique sounds vile, and how intimidating for anyone needing to get through the gates...

It is when I read threads like these that I thank my lucky stars most mums at the dc's school are for the most part very approachable and welcoming....

mrsruffallo · 18/03/2008 09:48

Start you own clique, it's the only way

bozza · 18/03/2008 10:03

I'm like twiglett but without the confidence. I am happy to talk to other people but do talk to my friends naturally. And generally lurk outside the classroom waiting for one particular friend but that is usually to make arrangements - like who is doing the beavers drop off and pick up and will she take DS to football for me because DH is away etc etc.

OrmIrian · 18/03/2008 10:14

What is it with dog people?

Now I don't mind dogs but I really can't see what is so hard to understand about 'Dogs are not permitted into the playground'. It's not complicated is it? So why do we almost always have at least one dog in the reception playground? And people who wait with their dogs outside the gates usually end up encroaching so that by the time the bell goes the dogs are mostly in the playground

dinny · 18/03/2008 10:25

I don't think people are rude, per se, but there is a clique in our year at school - they are all friends and do a lot together. I have friends at school, get on with the clique ok, but it bugs me as most of them are the mothers of girls, so dd often gets left out/not invited to stuff.

that's what annoys me.

beckybloomwood · 18/03/2008 10:33

It could be worse, you could have another child with you who runs around talking to them all and waving his PINK dummy [where did he get that from???] for all to see.

I drift between different cliques or time it so I don't have to stand for very long.

Oh and I got a job for a few days a week so this breaks up the week a bit better.

Apparently all the people in the cliques talk to my parents when its their days for school/nursery runs!!!

seeker · 18/03/2008 11:10

What's the difference between a clique and agroup of people who know each other?

Janni · 18/03/2008 11:19

Are you hoping to rely on these people as your friendship circle? It's weird how schools have changed. My mum never set foot in my school, her mum didn't even know where her school was!
Nowadays we tend to talk about 'our school'. Remember it's your children's school and once they start there full time it's YOUR chance to go and have an adult life of your own. Smile and say hello to show you are approachable and you will draw nice people to you. Don't worry about those whose lives are so empty that gossip about other families is all that sustains them. And most important of all, do not mix up YOUR social life with your children's social life. Only a small handful of these people will be your friends once your children have left that school.

Original poster

Smarteenie · 18/03/2008 11:27

Thanks guys for your messages. I think because our school is tiny (less than 60 at the moment)things seem worse than they actually are. I need to stop being so sensitive, concerntrate on my child and go back to work! Thanks for putting things into perspective for me.

Over and out!

OP posts:

fedupwasherwoman · 18/03/2008 13:27

Eventually kids will form friendships and you will get to know the other mums this way but you can't rush things. Cliquey mums will initially do playdates with just their own friends kids but eventually kids determine for themselves who they want to play with and you'll end up chatting to your child's friend's mums/parents more often than not.

I am an outsider (ds1 is at a village primary school but we don't live in the village). No-one initially spoke to me in September or much of October but I am older than most of them and have buckets of (probably misplaced) confidence these days so I started conversations with anyone about anything. Eventually this has paid off. I see one other mother is particularly excluded by most other village mums even though she lives in the village and I can guess why, but she knows she can talk to me and I'll chat to her, because I can talk endlessly to anyone who'll listen/chat.

My ds has gained a reputation so far for being "kind" and "easygoing" and has started to be invited to the village children's homes to play, in fact I'm having to ration him to one playdate a week.

I can't influence him to play with anyone but I can still talk to any parent I feel like and I do if anyone looks isolated at the school gates because I know how miserable it can be if you feel left out.(I was bullied briefly at secondary school by the "in crowd of nasty girls" even though I had my own group of friends, I was a bit shy and lacking in confidence, so I possibly had target/victim written all over me.) I was determined therefore not to get sucked into parental cliques and pecking order when ds started school. If that means I'm considered an oddball who doesn't play the game and talks to anyone regardless of their place in the parental pecking order then that makes me feel all warm and fuzzy.

Mostly on wet days at the school gates I'll suck up to chat to to anyone with a large umbrella as I've always left mine at home.

dinny · 18/03/2008 18:54

Janni, very wise words!

dinny · 18/03/2008 18:55

Fedupwasherwoman, you sound fab! Why si that woman excluded in particular, do you think?

Flight · 18/03/2008 19:10

I sympathise...even though a lot of the mums at school seem quite friendly, I am terrified of having to make small talk so I linger round the edges of the field, trying to look busy, usually carrying ds2.
I am particularly scared of one person who says she is my friend but always tries to take my children from me.
No boundaries.

I will be mighty happy when he stops going entirely, which should happen shortly.

Although I will then carry it over into other aspects of daily life.

Either I'm actually depressed and have zero self esteem or school gate land really is very frightening indeed.

I even worry about what to wear and usually accept that I will be stared at uncharitably because I haven't the energy to sort out something smarter.

I am the one in an odd coloured coat and wellies with a dodgy haircut if anyone is from around these paaarts

Flight · 18/03/2008 19:12

Fedupwasherwoman, I chatted with a very tall dad one day, because he had a large brolly.
I have never spoken to him since

dinny · 18/03/2008 19:13

tries to take your children from you, Flight? how so...?

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