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Primary education

Join our Primary Education forum to discuss starting school and helping your child get the most out of it.

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Original poster

Schoolgate Mafia

81 replies

Smarteenie · 17/03/2008 18:54

I am having an absolute nightmare with the politics that surround the School Gate Mafia. I just wasn't expecting it. Does anyone have any tips on dealing with it? I am taking the approach of smiling and being pleasant to everyone but finding it difficult when they are all in their little cliques and permanently looking down their noses at some of the mothers. Can't cope with another 6 years of it!! I am on the PTA etc. Is it just a case of carry on smiling and not letting it get me down (for 6 years?!)?!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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grimupnorth · 17/03/2008 21:16

Just be glad you're not having to deal with the parents at dd's new nursery...

dinny · 17/03/2008 21:18

so depends on the year too - dd's year is generally a bit of a nightmare, ds's is great, on the whole

Original poster

Smarteenie · 17/03/2008 21:21

Do you think they are worse at the beginning and then ease off as the kids get older?

OP posts:

dinny · 17/03/2008 21:21

yes, I do think so

Original poster

Smarteenie · 17/03/2008 21:26

There is hope yet then! I think I need to go back to work and it might put things into perspective!!

OP posts:

RosaIsRed · 17/03/2008 21:27

I can honestly say that I have never encountered anything like what some of you are describing. Maybe it is just friendlier down here in the West Country. Everyone gets on - of course there are groups of friends, but no groups of enemies that I have noticed. Or perhaps I am just blinkered and naive. Entirely possible, I grant you.

dinny · 17/03/2008 21:28

yes, the WC is very friendly (where I'm from!) I hate it here in the southeast and cannot wait till we move home next year!

Smithagain · 17/03/2008 21:29

Haven't noticed anything here (Surrey), either.

Reallytired · 17/03/2008 21:36

Send your child to the after school club. It is like a playdate for your child and then you don't have to face huge numbers of people at pick up time.

The parents at my son's school aren't nasty, (individually they are nice people) but I find large groups of people a bit overwelleming. Its nothing against any indidvidual mother its the SHEER number of people in a very tightly packed area.

Original poster

Smarteenie · 17/03/2008 22:05

Good point. Perhaps it's just the large numbers of people and the fact that I HATED school which might be psyching (sp?) me out. DD1 is in Y1 so perhaps I am just not 'established' yet.

OP posts:

Bink · 17/03/2008 22:06

I'm sure queen bees do exist in life, and do with greater or lesser deliberate purpose try to make other people feel unwelcome. (I've definitely seen that in workplaces before now.)

But I think that, because there are occasionally QBs in life, the awful in-at-the-deep-end swirling new confusing dynamic of school makes people see, or feel, QBs at work where it just isn't happening deliberately. When really it's the new uncertainty of the dynamic that's actually to blame, not any individual person (or even group of persons).

My advice: take it v slow. Stage 1 is brief friendly-but-formal nods & smiles at anyone whose eye catches yours; Stage 2, once the children start to be familiar, you say Good Morning! very cheerily (inc. to child); and then somehow naturally after that Stage 3 (the chats) begins. (Doing it that way also means you don't end up with a hasty friendship with someone it turns out you're not quite in tune with.)

Quattrocento · 17/03/2008 22:08

You are too involved with it all IMO - I mean what is the point of all this stress over absolutely nothing? Why can't you just drop off and run? Who on earth wants to know the school run nannies/aupairs/mums? Not I

hifi · 17/03/2008 22:27

oh god its bad enough at nursery, now im dreading it when theres 3 classes of reception. might make dh take her.

edam · 17/03/2008 22:34

I dunno, haven't noticed any of this at ds's school but maybe I'm just oblivious? People who know each other tend to chat but are happy to say hello to anyone passing, as far as I can see.

Novicecamper · 17/03/2008 22:42

I am totally with Twiglett - again - is this honestly an issue for people? I don't get it.

hippipotami · 17/03/2008 22:48

Am totally with Twiglett. Have never ever seen this before (in Surrey). Dd is at a school with 3 classes per yeargroup, so potentially 90 parents outside the Reception classes door.
Yes, lots of mums stand around and chat. Most in small groups, because it is impossible to stand around in groups of more than 5 and chat....
Some groups are made up of people I know and like, and I will stand and chat with them. Some groups comprise of people I don't know, so they don't talk to me, I don't talk to them, but I am not paranoid or self-important enough to believe they are talking about me or looking down their noses at me.

paddingtonbear1 · 17/03/2008 22:54

well I'm definitely not part of any clique at our school gates.. I do say 'hi' and make general chat with a few of them, but I don't meet any for coffee and I'm not on the pta. I work 4 days so I guess this would be difficult anyway! If it means dd doesn't get invited places, well never mind, it doesn't seem to worry her yet. If/when it does, I will maybe try and make more effort!

Troutpout · 17/03/2008 23:09

I'm like twiglet. i flit between groups..never quite staying with any. I bet that although there are separate groups at your place, most are quite friendly or people cross over from group to group.

purpleduck · 17/03/2008 23:11

Those clique people are just too insecure to move out of their comfort zone.

They must be pitied.

windygalestoday · 17/03/2008 23:15

I HAVE vast experience of this both being in the clique and out of it it basically boils down to some mums who know each other forming groups rather like the ashleys in recess on the disney channel generally its mums that werent that popular at school and they now live school life through their children ....my advice? smile and say hello but dont get snared !!! be friends with parents of children tht mae your children happy.

UnquietDad · 17/03/2008 23:15

Are there many dads?

Talk to the dads.

We don't do cliques. We don't even get them.

We talk to all mums. Especially the fit ones. (I didn't say that. )

I used to think some people were stand-offish and they used to think I was. Just shyness really. Barge into conversations and the next time you are a known face.

SlartyBartFast · 17/03/2008 23:15

can't you just barge in on them, and join in

SlartyBartFast · 17/03/2008 23:16

i second that,
talk to the dads

TheDuchyEggOfNorksBride · 17/03/2008 23:21

What twig said. At our school, the parents just fall into natural groups - those whose children are friends, those that live in the same road, those that used the same pre-school etc. There are one or two that moan about the school but I've never heard any bitching about other parents/children. And nor would I expect to.

OrmIrian · 18/03/2008 07:57

I must admit that schoolgate mafia or not, I've never noticed it extending to the children and who they invite/don't invite home or to parties. That would be very sad. Actually I don't think it's that bad at all - it can seem that way when you've had a bad morning or are feeling a little vulnerable. But going to work as soon as the bell rings helps.

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