School Uniform for a Boy - thoughts

[SantaMariaJa]

Throwaway username for this one

my DS is starting primary school in September. We have been talking about uniform etc and looking at pictures/he has seen the other local children in uniform, and he kept saying he wants a school dress when he goes. I just let it slide hoping he would forget about it.

we have started shopping for uniform and he is still saying the same thing.

I kind of jokingly mentioned it to his teacher when we met at stay and play and she said that he could wear one if he wanted to.

I don’t want him to. For a start, I don’t want anyone to take the piss, see him as “that weird kid who wears a dress”.

He really likes dressing up etc and I am sure this is the reason he wants to, he definitely has never said that he sees himself as a girl or anything. He has princess dresses at home he wears, just as much as he sometimes wears a policeman or doctor outfit. It’s just play. He does occasionally wear his Princess dress to Pre School.

I am worried that if he went to school in a dress the adults etc would put too much on it and assume it was some gender thing when really he just think it’s looks nice/is fun, and that would be so confusing for him.

obviously this is something that is hard to explain to a nearly five year old. How would you handle it? Do you think it will just blow over when he gets to school and his friends are wearing trousers/shorts?

DH has actually said just let him get on it and wear one if he wants but he spent his school life as golden boy and hasn’t really considered the possible negatives.

I feel like just putting my foot down with no real explanation is confusing for DS when it’s no big deal at home. He is being very insistent about it. I know I could just say no but I want going to school to be positive and not started off with whingeing about uniform.

I know to some that this must sound a bit making a mountain out of a molehill scenario but he’s my first to go to school and as someone who was bullied relentlessly I am so anxious about it!

Oh this is a tricky one because as much as I think what’s the harm, everyone should just wear what they want, I also think it might lead to people making certain assumptions and in effect socially transitioning him. I think if this were my ds I’d probably just say no, at school you have to wear x and y. And get him one to wear at home.

Dresses are ridiculously impractical for school anyway, you are right even though society should accept clothing is clothing and people can wear what they want without judgment chances are he will be bullied for it and you do risk ridiculous comments and questions from teachers about how he identifies. I would just sell it as shorts and trousers are more practical (as they are) and I wouldn't subject him to this just to prove a point about regressive gender stereotypes. If it's anywhere like DS' primary the vast majority wear trousers anyway, those that wear dresses always wear rights which sounds hideously uncomfortable when playing! Obviously up to you though- you could buy one and let him wear it and see what happens.

Wear tights*

You could tell him they will be a lot of dressing up clothes for him to wear when he gets to school and he can wear during the day when playing! But for his uniform he needs trousers, shorts, leggings etc.

There are times when you need to parent and not pander. This is one of those times. People will assume he is transitioning. If he was then I would say, let him wear the dress from day one. One boy in ds’ class in reception did ballet (mainly because the mum was friends with the girls mums and wanted to sit and gossip with them whilst the lesson was on). Ds said that all the other boys would tell him it’s for girls and laugh. He can wear whatever he wants at home but at school he needs the boys uniform.

I wouldn't risk it, given how quick some places are to immediately jump to 'wearing dresses = wanting to be a girl'. I might think it shouldn't be like that, but given that it is, I don't think I'd want to let that happen to my child.

I also think there could be bullying or at least just seeing him as a bit weird, and it would be shame to spoil his start to school like that. It depends on his personality of course, and what the school is like around differences, but again the risk is high enough that I wouldn't.

I'd just say 'this is the uniform for you' and that it's nice that other children/year groups/girls have different uniforms - dresses, pinafores, shorts, other colours, blazers, ties, the whole gamut you can see in the shop, but this is the uniform for boys his age, and that's it. You can tell him the other clothes are for dress-up, including the princess dress, or maybe get a charity shop dress from another school/colour so there is no question about wearing it as everyday, and let him dress up at home. Or tell him that there will be chances to dress up at school too, both on special days, and probably with a dressing-up box in the classroom for him to play with. But school clothes are different.

You have to be clear from the start or it might be even more confusing for him. Explain that uniform at school is shorts/trousers , and that's that. Can you then focus on something else eg picking a lunch box or water bottle he likes?

He will be ridiculed if he goes to school in a dress, don't do it to him

It's a lovely age when they start school, enjoy it 😊

See that's sad and I hope you've spoken to DS about sports and activities not being for boys or for girls. A few boys do ballet here and just wear shorts and a t shirt, thankfully no one seems bothered by it even the other children and some go on to continue with ballet and forge decent careers in it.

If you don’t want him to then I would approach it in the same way as if he was saying he wanted to wear his swimming clothes to school: that’s not what you wear to school, it’s X and X. That’s the school rules. End of conversation.

So from experience of having a boy who is happy being a boy but likes expressing himself through fashion, including wearing dresses... people are very quick to jump on the "maybe he wants to be a girl" thing, which is tiring! My son is very happy telling people he's a boy and rainbows/unicorns/dresses/princesses whatever aren't just for girls but... it is a real thing and to be honest it's draining!

I went down the route of: school clothes need to be practical and comfy so leggings and polo shirt/t-shirt and there's lots of dressing up clothes at school. When it's dress-up day he wears what he wants, E.g his Elsa dress (he has sisters who also wear leggings and t-shirts/polo shirts which helps my cause!)

Good luck!

I’d cheat and say he’ll be too cold so must start school in winter uniform, gives you 9 months to see if he goes off the idea. Primaries really should just move to a unisex based uniform, preferably sports kit based to promote physical activity whenever possible.

Thanks for your replies so far.

it has definitely solidified for me that he will go in trousers/shorts (side note - aren’t school shorts so cute?) - purely because of the social side of things

I just have found the idea of telling him “boys can’t wear dresses at school because they are only for girls” difficult because it’s very contradictory to my usual wear what you like stance… and I don’t really believe it. I don’t really want to be a hypocrite

but obviously my child having a positive school experience is the most important thing

It is sad and I’ve had many conversations with ds about there’s no such thing as boy or girl activities and boys can dance just like girls. The boy who does ballet happens to be on of his best buddies. He still thinks it’s weird though, no matter what I’ve said. I’ve been really shocked at how since starting school, he has such strong views on gender and what’s for boys or girls. It was never a thing until school. He did say the other boys laugh and say ballet is for girls. It’s sad but then just imagine if he went to school in a dress.

This is exactly how I feel! Thank you so much

I would insist on the boys uniform for now. If after he’s been in school for a year or so he still thinks he’ll be more comfortable in a dress then maybe think again. He won’t realise himself at this point what the consequences of not conforming are, some kids are happy to be the odd one out at school but most don’t want to. Boys uniform is much more practical too, my dd is 15 and has only worn ‘boys’ school shoes.

Is it the gingham dresses he likes or just any dress? I can understand the attraction of the summer dresses, school uniform can be rather drab...

If its the summer dress its an easy reason as being for the summer term.

Otherwise... as plenty of girls can testify... dresses make it harder to play. Its easier to play in the mud kitchen or climb a tree or kick a ball or even sit on the carpet in shorts or trousers!

And actually I’d just like to say thanks for such nice replies, I was genuinely ready to be called a troll/pushover/over anxious and all the rest

I really appreciate your thoughts 💚

Yea it is the gingham ones he likes

the winter excuse is a great one if needs be

It depends on what your school is like really. But you don’t really know that until he starts! At my kids school a boy in a dress wouldn’t cause a massive stir. There’s an ethos of ‘let kids be kids’ and it comes with an understanding that a boy in a dress doesn’t want to be a girl.

I wouldn’t want to allow this either, like you I’d be fine with the dressing up but not for school as it has the danger of making him stand out and it becoming a huge thing.

The gingham dresses are the summer uniform anyway so easy to say it’s not summer and here is the uniform for boys his age (trousers) and that trousers and shorts are better for playing in (also true). Then hopefully he will be over it by the next summer.

One boy in ds’ class in reception did ballet (mainly because the mum was friends with the girls mums and wanted to sit and gossip with them whilst the lesson was on). Ds said that all the other boys would tell him it’s for girls and laugh.
This is appalling though, and shockingly ill informed! There are plenty of male professional ballet dancers, there’s a boy at DD’s school who is a royal ballet associate (and yes he wears the boy’s uniform for school and for ballet). No one has ever suggested it’s for girls well because it’s not.

I agree with the PP who said there are times to pander and times to parent. This is one of them. There will be loads of times you will need to be firm about school things in the coming decade. Start with this, and don't make starting school any more difficult for your DS than it needs to be, because turning up in a dress will definitely make it more difficult.

As a teacher, we have lots of boys who choose to wear dresses if they are dressing up, but never had a boy come to school in a school uniform dress iyswim. I agree that people will read a lot more into it then just liking the dress.
We have had girls in trousers though, and it's wrong that they are seen as socially acceptable for girls, but skirts for boys aren't.
A gender neutral option for uniforms is on the way I'm sure.

the problem is that a gender neutral option will just always be trousers and shorts.

A gender neutral might get rid of the idea that you can wear the uniform of the other sex just because you feel like you are that sex and it will change how other people see you.

But it isn't going to make skirts and dresses suddenly seem like clothes for boys. it'll just mean that option isn't there at all anymore, which wouldn't solve the problem of the boy preferring dresses (rather than wanting to appear like a girl), nor the problem of lots of girls preferring them too and them fitting their body shape better (especially as they get older).

Like I expect right now in many schools, the options are just listen as possible options, not even with boys and girls labels. And it still doesn't make the dresses actually seen as a viable option for boys. It just means that there isn't a rule against it, or that a boy who decided to socially transition could wear one etc. - it hasn't changed the public perception of who wears what.

My experience is that children wouldn't vat an eyelid unless their parents have taught them to stereotype. I would suggest first two terms in trousers, and tell him that this the uniform he has to wear in these terms. Then reassess in the final term of reception. If he has come home and been upset because of someone making fun of him for wearing dressing up dresses, then shorts. But don't tell him "shorts because you're a boy" as that would cement an unhealthy gender stereotype. I would go with "I bought these shorts because then you can do more playing. Skirts are fun but they aren't practical."