If your child is at prep school but you're not mega rich

[wellingtonhighboots]

Hallo,

We are looking to send our daughters to prep school but we aren't mega rich, the costs all in (fees, uniform, trips, holiday clubs, wraparound, clubs and lunch) would sap up my entire salary so we would be living on DPs salary which is about £80k but there is potential to earn more through ad hoc work but wouldn't go above £100k or we'd lose free hours (the school we like does accept 15 hrs funding and may use 30 hrs free for our youngest at another setting before moving to prep for reception).

I've got some queries for others who have stretched to send their DCs to prep school rather than those who can effortlessly afford it!

How did you friends feel about it? We don't move in particularly posh circles with most of DCs current friends due to go to local state school. Will people judge us for sending our kids to private?

Then on the other side, what's it like with other parents- is there a mix of people or would we feel out of place?

Do you feel you get value for money? We'd be sacrificing holidays, new cars, the option of having a third child, being able to buy whatever we like... (although would still afford to live comfortably with DPs salary so it's more extras we'd lose) is it worth it for your DC's experience?

Grateful for any advice!

Depends what your state school options are like.

Some (many) private schools are not better than state options. In some areas state options are very poor and private is worth it.

Yes, some will judge you for choosing private, but that is up to you. If you go state, some would judge that too.

In general, bright children, well supported by interested parents will do broadly as well in state as private, in terms of qualifications.

The smaller classes and additional attention are beneficial for average children and can help them get better results. Wraparound is often better, lots of activities normally which means there is less to organise outside home.

Thanks @SpringOn our local states all get straight down the middle "average" KS2 results. Most are in the pluses financially but have poor pupil:staff ratios, so massive classes. All have 'good' Ofsteds.

Anecdotally people locally like our nearest state school and I don't think our DDs would do badly there at all, but I like the access to extra curricular activities at prep, the smaller classes and generally the one we are looking at has an ethos which is spot on for our family compared to the ethos in the local state school

It’s not quite what you’re asking, but if you’re already stretching yourself for prep school are you sure you’re going to be in a position to privately educate in the senior years?

In terms of the other parents it depends on the prep. The one I went to as a child was terribly cliquey (as was the village it was in) but others will be more relaxed I’m sure.

@SpringOn also our local secondaries are absolutely dire so private will be non negotiable for secondary school. Could save money for those fees now by going state but not sure if that would be better than doing run through private education so it's not a complete culture shock at secondary

In your circs, you'll be in the majority.

Yes, there are a sprinkling of exceedingly rich families. But you'll find most are high earners, planning carefully to cover the bills or having grandparents chip in

@PointyMcguire I have really good earning potential so although it would take all my salary now, I would expect to have moved up a few grades by the time DDs go to secondary. Also if we don't have to worry about free hours, DP can work more to cover senior school fees as currently is only working part time

@RoseAndRose thanks, I got that vibe on the open day and it's not a very high ranked or particularly expensive (comparatively) prep so am hoping we'd be in a similar position to others. I just don't currently know anyone in my personal life whose choosing to do similar so makes me question who these other parents are!

As others have said it depends on your local state offer. We decided to do state in primary and then private for secondary to give us time to save up. Bear in mind fees go up every year so you need to factor in this as well as all the extras. If you will be scraping around for 2 x prep places then I would say don't do it because 2 x secondary fees could be double that for prep.
Other people will judge/criticise but they are your DC so just ignore them.
Most parents at DDs private school are UWC/LMC with 'normal jobs' rather than ultra wealthy but we are in rural area so mostly farming families etc. There is only a tiny smattering of really rich parents.

If your state schools are what you say they are, I really wouldn't do this. Preps will be raising their fees rapidly and you don't want your child to end up having to leave.
You have a healthy income to supplement state to a point where it would be the same or better than state. I would probably put her in state and revisit in Y2. Maybe move to prep for Y3 if things are bad.

Sorry the same or better than prep.

I have also just read that your secondaries are dire. A lot can change in 7 years, nothing is guaranteed. There's lots of dire private secondaries too, so do be careful. I would save as much as you can now for secondary fees in case you have no other option. Moving to a private school in Y7 isn't going to be much of a shock tbh, quite a substantial amount of private school kids join that sector in Y7.

There is a state secondary local to us that was absolutely dire for as long as I remember. An academy took it over about 4 years ago. It now has an exceptional reputation and loads of MC families are moving into the area for it.
The same can happen in reverse too. A nearby outstanding school you had to live within 0.4m to get into the last 20 years has slumped so much the last child offered this April lived 2 miles away. This is London, so 2 miles is very very far. The houses around that school are £2m plus. So many now up for sale.

In view of this i would start off at state and save money for secondary. I was very hard up at this stage of life but had clever kids. All started at state. Two then got free places at private secondary grammar school, yes there were rich people there but they didn't seem to suffer for being less well off. My youngest was not thriving in state primary so he went to prep at 6 (again with free scholarship place). By the time he was ready for secondary the free places had stopped, he got a bursary which covered nearly half, so thought could manage this but by the time he was in sixth firm the fees had gone up so much that the bursary only covered less 30% and it was a struggle to keep him there.

In short, if you start at state and it doesn't suit you can change to private but not as easy to go the other way if proves too expensive.

We send DD to a prep school - our friends send their children to a combination of state and independent, and many family members are teachers in state schools.

These are the factors we have taken into account and what we've learned:

DD is an only child, we will only have to pay one child's education - this made it feasible.

We have a combined income of just over £200K - but fairly low outgoings other than school (low for London, not low-low).

We wanted her to be in a smaller class - BUT there is a downside to this, even in Reception and Year 1 she is acutely aware of her 'position' in the class - i.e. she knows who's the best reader, and who's best at maths etc... this can be quite stressful for her, even at such a young age.

They push their kids to perform, her reading and maths may be in the middle of her class of 12, but would be above a standard Yr1 in state school. This isn't because the children are more able, it's because they are hurried and pushed to learn at speed. This may not suit all children, I'm not sure if it suits DD yet.

The parents at DD's school are largely high-income, middle class, people - so have jobs in finance, medicine, law or accountancy. But work full time/long hours are fairly 'normal' (no sprawling mansions, Bentleys, or live-in staff).

Another reason to choose an independent school was access to facilities, and having a school that isn't struggling for money for equipment, building upkeep, etc.

There is a well-liked state primary nearer our house, we decided against it for the class size/facilities reason.

Bottom line: we want to give DD as many opportunities in life as we can afford, DH and I are both state-educated, and to be honest, didn't reach our full potentials in education.

I query your phrase "particularly posh circles". If you're moving in circles where the higher family income is 80-100K and you can afford private school + extras from the lower income, then you're likely to be mixing with people who are also deciding whether to go private or not so will be interested in your experiences and may move their own children at 7 or 11.

If you're moving in circles where others are earning more modestly (I accept that you are not mega rich, but you are rich!) and you know the people mainly through your children, then I think it's highly likely that your paths will diverge if you make the private school choice.

Not necessarily. Some of us earn a lot of money, but are ethically opposed to private education on principle. I don't think it's accurate to suggest it's purely a matter of affordability, and that everyone who can afford to will educate their children privately. Some people will regard it as a sign of divergent values. Obviously they won't all distance themselves because of it, or they are unlikely to.

We are a bit better off than where your family is at financially, but were in a similar position when our child was younger. Early years it was a bit of a stretch, but your income does grow too.. For us having just one child does makes a huge difference..
Our friends have similar levels of income and financial commitments, and probably nicer houses, but it was only us who took the move to private (in lower years) after feeling unsatisfied about the state our child attended.
TBF friends all felt the same at the time, they wanted to move their DCs but just couldn't commit to it - some because they have more than one child, some couldn't give up their comfortable lifestyle without having to worry about fees.
Up towards the end of primary school they have always been so keen to learn about what provisions our prep school offers (for 11+ or extra-curriculars), moan about how their outstanding primary doesn't do much or stretch their children. Worry about how in secondary schools children from private schools will be much better off having had a good foundation. (THIS IS NOT MY OPINION) They do seem to regret not doing it or show remoarse for not being able to so sooner. They're all planning to go private for secondary, though one family with two DCs are still uncertain about affordability.
Could be a very shallow perspective and years later I may be the one regretting pouring in all that money, but so far I'm happy about the current school and level of support my child gets.

Thanks @NewAnon I think your bottom line sort of sums up my thinking. Interesting about kids being aware of their position, my DD is very musical so hoping she will find some self esteem in wider abilities than just academic, I definitely wouldn't want her to feel pressured academically.

@redskylight most of my friends are from school, uni, church or my DDs current state preschool so a total mixture of lifestyles, although when we mix socially with DPs colleagues then we really notice being amongst richer people. A lot of her colleagues send their kids to prep. I would be sad to lose friends from my current circles

@lililililililili that's interesting. We live in quite a close knit community with all our friends on the estate and neighbours sending kids to local state primary so worried if we did this then decided to move DDs out and into prep then we'd become social pariahs

@wellingtonhighboots your social circle will inevitably drift away from existing, but you'll also join new circles. I have found my 'previous' circle of friends become more tightly knitted amongst themselves just because they see each other every single day during school runs. But then I am the only working mum so I was at a disadvantage anyways!

We don't move in particularly posh circles with most of DCs current friends due to go to local state school. Will people judge us for sending our kids to private?

Then on the other side, what's it like with other parents- is there a mix of people or would we feel out of place?

This depends so much on the schools in question. At some private schools there will be many people in roughly the same financial position as you. At other private schools, the average family will be much wealthier (in a few cases extortionately wealthy) and there will be fewer families like yours. At some private schools, many people are from families where "everyone" has always gone to a private school, in others, many people are "first time buyers" of private education. The only way you can know whether you will feel out of place is by looking at the particular schools in question.

It is almost inevitable that some people will envy you for being able to afford private education, and that some people will realise that you have different ethics from them about private education. Some people will believe that you think their children's school is not good enough for your own children. Many people will probably not care either way. Any actual friend should be fine.

Your post leapt out at me as we're just about to embark on the Prep school journey with our eldest DD who will be going into Reception next September.

I'm currently on maternity leave with my second DD but will be going back part-time at the end of the year. I will be a similar position in that my salary will be swallowed up by childcare/school fees with my husband covering everything else. He takes home about £150k pa which means we don't qualify for funded hours/tax-free childcare/child benefit but he does get bonuses/commission which will help paying off chunks off fees. We're also likely to get a bit of inheritance in the next year which will give us a bit of a head start with the fees and may mean we can pay a few years in advance for our eldest and then my salary will cover the youngest once she starts.

We won't have huge amounts left over for other things as everything will be going into savings to hopefully pay for private all the way through but we both believe Prep school offers children an incredible head start. We're also flexible in that we have to move out of our current house at some point in the next few years so could move nearer a grammar school/excellent state secondary of private secondary school turns out not to be possible.

We've had a few comments from friends that it's a waste of money to send children to private primary school and why don't we wait and save up for secondary but we both went to private primary schools (my husband went onto a state school and myself onto a private secondary) and know how vastly ahead of our peers we were at age 11 thanks to our early years education.

If we can afford to give them this head start versus an underfunded state primary with class sizes of 32 then it's a no brainer for us! Appreciate We're very fortunate to be in this situation but it does rile when people imply you're wasting your money. If you're happy with your decision and know it's best for your family, I just wouldn't worry about what others think.

Thanks @MrsSamR you sound incredibly similar to me! I do also think some inheritance will come my way as we have a very elderly family member but I'm not banking on this. We've got a bit of savings (around £20k) which is doing nothing at the moment so is a small buffer rather than starting from nothing.

I think a lot of my friends would say it's a waste of money but then I think expensive cars and holidays are a waste of money!

Thanks @NewAnon I think your bottom line sort of sums up my thinking. Interesting about kids being aware of their position, my DD is very musical so hoping she will find some self esteem in wider abilities than just academic, I definitely wouldn't want her to feel pressured academically.

Choose very carefully @wellingtonhighboots DD is also more arty/musical than academic, but even a preps that present themselves as 'rounded' are very competitively academic. In my experience, it's a lot of pressure for a small child. Some thrive in it, others less so.

Mine went to a mix of schools as we moved around - have you checked that there's not some little school in a nearby village that might have space with smaller class sizes? Eg. when my eldest started school, we lived around the corner from a big, but desirable state primary, which he did get a place at - but just before we started we moved about 5 miles down the road and put him into the tiny infant school there (only went to year 3) where there were 12-18 kids per class, and it was perfect for him.

Private for secondary gets very expensive. BUT when you take out the cost of wraparound care and meals etc. it gets easier to justify. Just be aware of how much uniform/extra-curricular will cost and budget accordingly.

I think you need to run the numbers very carefully if private secondary is the plan and the one you really want. I was on the fence re prep and decided against it. I’ve had moments of regret but in the main very happy that we have time to build some savings and support with extra activities etc while being part of our local community via the school.

The thing that I’ve realised is that all of my friends with kids in preps are still doing the run around re extra circular activities so don’t assume it will save you money/time. There seems to be an ultra competitive/spendy type of parent that do the prep plus tutoring etc. in some ways I’m quite glad to be in a slightly more chilled environment for primary. Extra holidays need to be considered as well re budgeting and costs. I’m not blind to the differences. Music is where the biggest gap seems to be between the preps (amazing facilities, orchestras galore) and our state (perhaps the chance to play the recorder and bash some drums occasionally), class sizes, less behavioural issues will be another.

I’d also check leavers destinations very carefully. One of the well regarded prep’s near me seem to send all of the girls to the lower ranking secondaries which put me off and made me question why the numbers going to top-tier where so low when they’ve selected early on, had small class sizes plus many with tutoring.

Different private schools have different demographics so no one can say definitively. However, many private schools have professional parents who are making sacrifices or can only attend with help from grandparents. At our school I've never seen anyone be judgemental or exclusionary about how rich other parents are though I'm sure that exists in some places.

Most of our friends send their kids to state schools and its never been an issue. Your friends would be pretty unusual for them to end a friendship over something like this.