Reception aged child socially isolated - PFB or genuine concern?

[TempsPerdu]

At a bit of a loss as to what to do about DD, who is coming towards the end of her Reception year at a demographically mixed school (London suburb). Basically I’m trying to work out whether we’re being completely PFB, or are right to be concerned about the social side of things - so any advice/similar experiences much appreciated!

We’re probably a bit more anxious than usual about friendships because DD is an only with no cousins, so we’re keen to get this aspect ‘right’ and ensure she can establish a strong social network of peers. But for various reasons we feel that she has been unlucky with the cohort of girls in her class, as DD seems to have little in common with any of them. She is older in the year, very capable and articulate, whereas I know that the cohort as a whole is a challenging one (I’m a governor at the school so am aware of the issues), with average attainment being lower than would be typical for the school. Her cohort seems to have been hit hard by covid and other factors, and the only other children working at a similar level to DD are boys, which means she has spent the year mostly working in groups with them rather than bonding with the other girls.

The girls in the class also skew unusually young (about two thirds have August birthdays) and DD often finds them quite babyish. She doesn’t enjoy the same types of games as them, and from the outset has gravitated to the Year 1 and 2 girls instead, although obviously she only gets to spend limited time with the older children.

We’ve felt throughout that she would have been better off in the parallel class, which has a larger group of more able, mature girls, and I know that the school does sometimes mix classes at the end of Reception, but they’re not keen on doing this unless they absolutely have to, and understandably won’t do it for the sake of one child.

So DD tends to be left on her own at break times/during free play. I’m in school regularly as a volunteer, and often see her wandering round the playground with her lunchbox looking for someone to play with. Until recently she was enjoying school, mainly because she loves learning and the adults in her class. But recently she has become reluctant to go in each morning, saying she dislikes play times and school is ‘boring’. I worry about her becoming increasingly isolated in Year 1, when much of the adult contact she thrives on is withdrawn and the children become more reliant on their peers. Obviously these things are always the luck of the draw, but looking at the children coming up from nursery I can see that she would have had many more natural peers within that cohort.

So we feel a bit stuck. DP and I have already discussed possibly moving for secondary as we’re not happy with the local options, and we’re now wondering whether we should bring this forward and try again at another primary. But it’s so very possible that we’re worrying unnecessarily, and that DD’s issues could resolve in time, perhaps as the other girls in her class mature a bit. Would love any words of wisdom, as it feels like we’re going round in circles!

It reads as if you'd prefer your DD to be in an environment with more capable, articulate children who perhaps reflect her background (I only mention background since you mention the school is demographically mixed which sounds like a euphemism for lots of non-English or non-white children).

Given your concerns over the challenging cohort that surrounds her, perhaps it would be better for you to move her to a different school? Alternatively have you spoken to the school and asked if they'd consider moving her to the other class with the more able girls?

@Eastie77Returns Thanks for replying. Apologies, I think the ‘mixed demographic’ comment is a bit of a red herring; I think I was just trying to show how DD’s school is pretty mixed and average in its intake, but I can see how it might come across otherwise. I have no issues at all with a diverse cohort (we chose her school partly because we didn’t want her to be in a middle class bubble) and indeed it seems to be the EAL children in DD’s class who are sone of the highest achievers.

But you’re right in suggesting that we feel unsettled, and the unusual gender skew is driving this I think. The Reception staff have commented many times on how unusual it is that the boys are outperforming the girls so markedly this year (across the school as a whole there’s an issue with boys’ attainment but this year’s intake is bucking the trend), and I do feel that DD is out on a limb somewhat.

Pragmatically (and as an ex primary myself) I’m aware that DD is unlikely to have anywhere near as much adult input next year, and I would like her to have a group of peers with whom she shares interests and can compete with. DP and I both had this as pretty academic kids at our respective primary schools, and my gut instinct is that this is unlikely to happen in her current class.

Plus the ‘girl parents’ in the class don’t seem as engaged or as keen to have play dates etc as the ‘boy parents’ - I know a fair few families within DD’s class quite well, but it is very marked how it is almost exclusively parents of boys who get involved in school events, want to meet for drinks etc.

Well my previous comment stands and I think you should change schools as it doesn’t sound as if this one meets your academic requirements? I am surprised that teachers divulged informant to you about the performance of other children (boys vs girls).

Personally I don’t think a child of your daughter’s age really needs to ‘compete’ with other children but I’m not an expert in these matters and if she is unhappy then it seems sensible to find another school.

As an aside, my children went to a very diverse primary school. I met a number of middle class parents who insisted they wanted their children to attend the school so they could mix with other children outside the MC bubble. It was interesting to note those parents only really mixed with each other though. I seemed to be one of very few non white, working class parents most of them spoke to. When I took my son to their children’s birthday parties he was often the only Black child present despite the fact the class of 30 was at least 50% non white. Their bubble remained firmly in tact.

The op is a governor, that will be how she knows class attainment levels.

Op, I would seriously consider moving her. Have a look around a couple of other schools and see what the class make up is like.

She's absolutely young enough for it not to affect her badly, and she will be so much happier with the right fit for her.

To have two thirds of the class to be August born is extremely unusual. As your daughter is older in the year and an able child it seems to me it is a question of maturity. There could well be over a year difference in progress and development. You mention a parallel class and wonder how the children have been placed within the year group. I am a teacher of 20 plus years experience and we always balanced factors including gender, birthday, ethnicity, ability and social relationships. Of course in a single entry school it is not possible without vertical grouping. There are occasional blips in the curve of natural distribution, I had one class with only 5 girls, just the way it went.
Personally I would l see how my daughter fared in Year 1 and if she remains very unhappy consider a move then.

Thanks @booktokbear - yes, current governor at the school so have access to all the attainment data etc. I’m actually very happy with the school itself; it’s just the cohort DD has found herself in that is the issue for us.

@Eastie77Returns Very happy with the overall attainment within the school, and as a governor/volunteer I can see that they do well by the kids. Obviously I don’t think DD needs to ‘compete’ right now - she’s only 5, although very competitive by nature - but I do think that further up the school she will need at least a few likeminded peers to spur her on and support her natural inquisitiveness and love of learning. As a teacher pretty much every class I taught had a group of more academic children competing with each other, and in the few classes I had where there were only one or two very able children they did find themselves quite socially isolated (one to the point of leaving the school at the start of Year 6).

@Justaflippertyjibbet Thanks for your insight. It’s not 2/3 of the class who are August borns, but 2/3 of the girls (so 9 out of 14 girls). Just a weird statistical quirk I guess, but the gap really shows in the way the children interact with each other at present - DD complains that she struggles to understand some of the other girls’ speech and that they only want to play ‘mummies and daddies’ in the home corner. It’s balanced out to some degree by the boys, many of whom are older and (currently, I know these things can change) deemed to be more able. DD is currently grouped with 5 boys for her writing and number work. Classes were allocated largely at random, with the school reserving the right to mix them if necessary (but in practice they only do this around once every 3/4 years). Ours is definitely the ‘tougher’ class of the two in terms of behaviour/emotional issues/SEND - I suspect this was done on purpose as they have by far the more experienced teacher, who has spent a huge amount of time trying to get EHCPs sorted for next year.

We are leaning towards moving DD sooner rather than later I think, but will definitely give Year 1 a go first in case things do settle down for her a bit - she’ll definitely appreciate the increased structure and (what she calls) ‘proper learning’ of Year 1 as she’s very much over the play-based nature of Reception (as I teacher I was all about play and child-led learning in the Early Years so it’s typical that I’ve ended up with the rare child who dislikes it!)

You could move her but I'd also worry that she'd face the same situation elsewhere in terms of the social side. Personally I'd be encouraging her to join in with the play even if it's not her preferred game.

I'd also encourage the friendships with the boys and yourself too with the parents. In my experience, perhaps I'v been lucky, the boys and girls get on well in reception and yr1. Mine have then gone through phases where they find boys silly (I have 4 girls) but still find games to play throughout primary school and they all look out for each other. Parents also go out for drinks, coffee etc regardless of the sex of their child.

Have you had any class parties? Or arranged a play date yourself? Do you have a local park that children go to after school?

Personally I think it's a bit odd that all the August girls are babyish unless they are also first born/only children. I know plenty who were a little slower academically throughout reception but were absolutely fine in speech/socially as they had older siblings at home.

I'm a school governor. We have never had access to individual children's records, only while year group stats. I think if that's even true it's completely inappropriate and a data breach!

Sorry I’m not familiar with how things are done in the UK system. If there is a parallel class will they not mix them up for year 1? Our DD was also one of the older ones with a very mature personality and academically very advanced. She didn’t really bond too well with anyone in her first year of school but she was in a year group with 6 classes and they mixed them up each year so there were always opportunities for new friends.

What's wrong with opposite sex play dates, OP?

Im trying to word this carefully but as you are a governor and parent, you know a lot about the class, current/ex-teacher? is it possible you are too involved? The word that comes to mind is ‘overbearing’ but I’m not trying to be rude (I’m a teacher so I understand). If I saw what goes on in my daughters class to the extent you do then I’d probably start worrying more, and getting too involved. I’m not trying to offend you just trying to get you to consider if this is a possibility?

When I read your OP a child I’ve taught recently sprung to my mind, clever articulate, used to adult company but struggled with other girls. She was quite fixed on what she did or didn’t want to play, other girls were being babyish etc. I got the impression her mum thought her daughter was too grown up for these girls when this girl needed to learn to let go a bit and play games she wouldn’t choose, be able to play with people who are different from herself. Ive found with my own children this ability to adapt is a real
skill. I’d say encourage play dates with another girl if you can. If you are at a park does she tend to keep coming to you/other adults and telling you things or will she go and play with others even if it’s not of her choosing? It’s helping her to find enjoyment in others company even if the content isn’t always what she wants.

I find it interesting you commented that the adult interaction will soon be less and this is what she likes. For my children the best bit was their friends but for the girl mentioned above it was the adults as she was used to being with adults, we had to gently redirect her to the children to get her focus onto them.

If there's two classes in the year, do they mix them up going into a new school year? Especially as they seem to be quite unevenly mixed at the minute? That might help matters somewhat?

Also I really wouldn't worry too much at the point, my DD is just finishing Y2 and is playing with completely different children to who she played with in Reception, despite the class staying the same throughout!

I understand your concern OP.

My DS was in a very small intake school (17 pupils). He had the same issue and spent much of reception playing with two girls who were closer to him in age and academic level. By year 1, the other 8 boys had paired up as mates and all played football together. DS was not included and felt excluded & lonely.

The school tried to integrate him more. They did their best with some success but it was a struggle. Being a full time working mum, I wasn't able to offer afternoon play dates which didn't help.

Talk to the school. Explain your concerns. They and you need to resolve the 'not wanting to go to school' now, before it develops any further.

And perhaps find an out-of-school activity local to your house that allows your DD to meet other children and will boost her social skills and confidence.

I'd try switching her class within the year first. Schools generally can't just create a space but there's often a lot of movement in reception, at least in my city .

Can she not play with the boys? My year 1 son has plenty of friends who are girls.

I also slightly wonder - and I was like this as a child so I don't mean this unkindly - is it possible that it's more that your DD isn't very good at mixing with other children?

I was an only child too and I think it made me less socially able when I was 4-7ish because I wasn't used to having to compromise, I was very academically able and my peers wanted to play things I wasn't interested in. My parents encouraged me to just read my book in the playground rather than get stuck in which made things worse.

Why the focus on the other girls?

i work in a mixed reception/nursery class and the children all mix not just girls playing with girls or boys with boys.

Mine did in Reception too. But by year 2 the friendship groups had split by sex. Same in the Y2 classes I was a TA in.

You mention she doesn't have any siblings or cousins. Does she do any clubs outside of school? Having a lifelong hobby or interest can be a really good way to develop the social network you're keen for her to have.

It doesn't solve the issues in school but it's something I would look at regardless.

@pastypirate I don’t have access to individual children’s records. The data I do see, though, is broken down by gender, and the attainment divide between girls and boys is been commented on in curriculum meetings as a point of interest, because it contrasts with the situation across the rest of the school.

@anon067 @Theelephantinthecastle @Sirzy I’d love for DD to play with the boys; she isn’t an especially ‘girly girl’ anyway. But we’ve found where we live that since nursery everything has very strongly delineated along gender lines (way more so than when I was teaching a few years ago) and boys and girls don’t generally play with each other. At her nursery the staff did ‘spa days’ with just the girls and told the boys they were all naughty; at school the boys sometimes ‘allow’ DD to play football with them, but always put her in goal, and we’ve already had complaints that the boys in her group don’t want to sit next to her (or any other girls - it’s not personal). I have wondered myself where all the gentle, non football-obsessed boys have disappeared to since my day, as there was always a group of them in the classes I taught, but none of them in DD’s. And from what I can see the parents around us seem to be pushing quite traditional gender stereotypes on to their children.

Personally I think it's a bit odd that all the August girls are babyish unless they are also first born/only children. I know plenty who were a little slower academically throughout reception but were absolutely fine in speech/socially as they had older siblings at home

The consensus among staff at DD’s school is that there’s been a bit of a perfect storm of factors - covid and the fallout from it - that has impacted on DD’s cohort. There are lots of speech and language issues and special needs that went undiagnosed during the pandemic and are now being dealt with by the school. We’ve hosted some of the other girls at parties and play dates and they do seem much younger - physically and behaviourally - than her.

Thanks for all the comments and advice so far - plenty of food for thought, which we’ll definitely take on board. Re the only child issue, which @1AngelicFruitCake, @Postapocalypticcowgirl and others have mentioned, yes we have considered this as a factor - it’s something I’ve been aware of and concerned about from the outset - and we’ve done everything we can to mitigate it. We’ve befriended our neighbours with similar aged DC, DD does several clubs including Rainbows and football, and we’ve always said that we‘d have an open house for play dates, sleepovers and so on.

What we can’t give DD is the casual, rough and tumble, ‘just hanging out’-type relationships that we see in the larger families around us. And it’s possible that DD is a product of this - she does love calm for example and hates chaos and excessive noise. She’s not shy as such - will approach children and make new ‘friends’ in a soft play etc - but it’s very striking that since she was 3 or 4 it’s always been slightly older, calm, ‘nice’ girls that she gravitates to, and she has always been slightly resistant to playing with other children her own age (I think because of the noise/rough and tumble thing - she hates tearing around in a big pack).

We have hosted several play dates for her new Reception peers at ours but they are always very one-sided, as the other parents don’t have as much bandwidth as we do for this stuff - lots of FT working parents, kids in wraparound care, house renovations and younger siblings in the mix, which means it’s always us doing the hosting and ‘favours’ (extra pick-ups, running other DC to clubs etc). DD has said that she wishes she could visit the other children’s houses too sometimes, but this just isn’t a ‘thing’ for them, as everyone is either too busy or not really interested in play dates for cultural reasons.

We host DD’s nursery best friend weekly - pick her up after school, mini play date then I take them both to their club. DD is still quite attached to her, but they are now at different schools and the friend has begun to branch out a bit. But they are very similar in temperament and interests, and seeing this girl every week makes it even more striking that there is no one in DD’s current class who she gravitates to in the same way.

I guess there are a few things that strike me:

That it might be a good thing for your DD to learn how to rub along with different types of children, rather than only having her preferred mode/dynamic

That if you move school, there is no guarantee that there will be "nice" older girls in her class for her to be friends with - and, even worse, there might be but they may already have best friends and not include your DD.

That these things are not generally settled at reception. My DS has had the same best friend since the reception but he has had a number of other friends who have varied a lot, you may find that year 1 is a totally different experience

I think overall I am biased because I was not socially adept at primary school and my parents moving me several times (for work reasons not because of this) actually really didn't help.

Thanks @Theelephantinthecastle - lots to think about (and I’m probably guilty of overthinking anyway!) You are quite possibly right that moving wouldn’t solve everything, although as I said upthread I’m pretty certain we’ll have to move at some point for secondary anyway.

I guess at the heart of it is that DD so far seems to be similar to me as a child - gentle, academic, slightly quirky, very inquisitive - and I really don’t want her to lose that enthusiasm for learning or feel that she has to change in order to fit in with her peers.

And I suppose I feel a bit out on a limb as a parent too. Our priorities and parenting style seems so at odds with what I see among many of the school mums (I now feel like a freak, for example, for teaching DD about nature and names of trees/plants as it’s just not on anyone else’s radar) and it seems to be almost as a result of us sharing all this stuff with DD that she now finds herself out on a limb - eg she now wants to look for leaves, flowers, feathers etc around the playground but the other children think that’s weird.

The other week the school sent a note home asking Reception parents not to let their DC use TikTok as they were sharing inappropriate memes at playtime - that sort of stuff is so far from DD’s experience that I do wonder how she’ll find common ground with this cohort of children, and it almost feels like we’re raising her not to fit in.