Reception aged child socially isolated - PFB or genuine concern?

[TempsPerdu]

At a bit of a loss as to what to do about DD, who is coming towards the end of her Reception year at a demographically mixed school (London suburb). Basically I’m trying to work out whether we’re being completely PFB, or are right to be concerned about the social side of things - so any advice/similar experiences much appreciated!

We’re probably a bit more anxious than usual about friendships because DD is an only with no cousins, so we’re keen to get this aspect ‘right’ and ensure she can establish a strong social network of peers. But for various reasons we feel that she has been unlucky with the cohort of girls in her class, as DD seems to have little in common with any of them. She is older in the year, very capable and articulate, whereas I know that the cohort as a whole is a challenging one (I’m a governor at the school so am aware of the issues), with average attainment being lower than would be typical for the school. Her cohort seems to have been hit hard by covid and other factors, and the only other children working at a similar level to DD are boys, which means she has spent the year mostly working in groups with them rather than bonding with the other girls.

The girls in the class also skew unusually young (about two thirds have August birthdays) and DD often finds them quite babyish. She doesn’t enjoy the same types of games as them, and from the outset has gravitated to the Year 1 and 2 girls instead, although obviously she only gets to spend limited time with the older children.

We’ve felt throughout that she would have been better off in the parallel class, which has a larger group of more able, mature girls, and I know that the school does sometimes mix classes at the end of Reception, but they’re not keen on doing this unless they absolutely have to, and understandably won’t do it for the sake of one child.

So DD tends to be left on her own at break times/during free play. I’m in school regularly as a volunteer, and often see her wandering round the playground with her lunchbox looking for someone to play with. Until recently she was enjoying school, mainly because she loves learning and the adults in her class. But recently she has become reluctant to go in each morning, saying she dislikes play times and school is ‘boring’. I worry about her becoming increasingly isolated in Year 1, when much of the adult contact she thrives on is withdrawn and the children become more reliant on their peers. Obviously these things are always the luck of the draw, but looking at the children coming up from nursery I can see that she would have had many more natural peers within that cohort.

So we feel a bit stuck. DP and I have already discussed possibly moving for secondary as we’re not happy with the local options, and we’re now wondering whether we should bring this forward and try again at another primary. But it’s so very possible that we’re worrying unnecessarily, and that DD’s issues could resolve in time, perhaps as the other girls in her class mature a bit. Would love any words of wisdom, as it feels like we’re going round in circles!

Also, I’m definitely not aspiring to a whole class of kids who are like DD, and I totally agree that she needs to learn to rub along with a range of different people - but I would like one or two who are at least similar in temperament and share her interests.

I don't know how to say this more sensitively but you sound like a bit of a snob and I can imagine some of the other parents feel judged by you.

Ok, OP now sounds ridiculous. This must be a wind-up.😂

So do they have devices at school?

Even if the children are 'babyish' you still should encourage your daughter to play with them, they'll suddenly mature. If your daughter doesn't integrate now she might find it hard to later on.

So do they have devices at school?
No, they are viewing TikTok content at home and repeating what they’ve seen/heard - songs/rhymes/poses- in the playground. A few have their own TikTok accounts, set up by their parents. Obviously I know social media is a thing and use it in a limited way myself, but I genuinely thought this stuff would kick in at 9/10, not 4/5.

@Eastie77Returns @Whyisitsosohard

Just out of interest, which parts come across as ‘snobby’? Very much not a wind-up post, and there is no way other I would have interacted with other parents, some of whom I know and get on with very well (NCT friends etc) in a negative way; I spend a not inconsiderable amount of time and effort helping others out where I can, taking other people’s DC home or out for the day, raising money for the school, volunteering in class etc.

But I am unapologetic about massively valuing education and learning for its own sake, and am genuinely worried that my academic DD might never find her tribe in the class that she’s currently in, which as I’ve said has an unusual make-up for the school in terms of age range, gender balance and amount of additional needs.

I’ve been there as both an academically able child myself, and a teacher who has previously come across other children in exactly this situation, so I see my concerns as pragmatic and trying to pre-empt future issues, rather than snobby.

I’d also add that my DP, who was also a very academically able child, had an utterly miserable time at primary school (to the point of once escaping the building and running home) because he found himself in a tough class where he was vilified by the boys for being a ‘swot’. He spent all his time with girls until he went on to grammar school and eventually found his niche. So he is as concerned as I am.

Sad to say, you sound massively PFB. You will grow out of it.

Yeah, I’d be concerned if the critical mass of her peer group were on TikTok, whether with their own accounts or exposed to siblings. I don’t think that makes you a snob!

I don’t have any helpful advice - we are in a small school but luckily both my DCs have a critical mass of similar kids in their year.

Perhaps you should see if you can buy/import some suitable classmates.

I agree with you.

Very odd for a child who had been to nursery to be unable to play with children who are younger than her whether they are in the same academic year or not.

My DD plays with children both younger and older than her. Likewise does my neighbours' daughter who didn't go to nursery at all.

@Liorae OK, so in good faith - which aspects? Genuinely open-minded and interested to know.

A reception class?? How on earth do you know so much detail about their social media usage, academic ability, family backgrounds, levels of "maturity"?
It's highly unlikely most of what you think you know is anywhere in the ballpark of correct.

@Reugny I genuinely have no idea why people think this is somehow a wind-up. This is what DD is like, and has always been like, and in some ways I am as mystified as you are as to why.

DP and I used to have a bit of a joke about how every time we visited our local soft play she’d emerge with a ‘friend’ who was 2/3 years older than her; she mostly preferred the older girls at nursery to her peers; she sought out the Year 1s and 2s as soon as she started school; she loves Rainbows because at 5 she’s the youngest and gets to play with the 6-7 year olds. It’s a real theme with her and always has been.

I am very prepared to consider that her ‘only childness’ could be a factor here. She attended nursery from two onwards, but only 2 days a week because we wanted to socialise her (that obviously worked well!). Plus it was sporadic as she started just before Covid hit and we weren’t key workers, so she stopped again for quite a while.

Which aspects of what? Please be more specific.

The comments about tiktok, the fact you're supposedly embarrassed you've taught her nature terms (stealth boast), the suggestion families with 2 working parents don't also value education. Basically every post. Also you're totally overinvested as a volunteer and Governor with the school. At 4/5, you can't really know how academically able kids are going to turn out to be in 10 years. So I'd stop worrying about it and definitely don't annoy her teachers by bugging them.

@HarrietJet School governor, see all the data, sit on the curriculum panel, used to teach primary myself (including in local schools) so have a good ‘gut instinct’, volunteer in school twice a week so see what goes on and how year groups differ, have a postgrad qualification in child development, have always lived in the area so have seen how demographics have changed and have a lot of local friends, many of whom also work in education.

They are not your tribe - sounds like the school is a bad fit for your family I would move her. Know we are supposed to be inclusive and right on but most humans are more comfortable with those of a similar outlook and intelligence levels to themselves. Being a square peg in a round hole is not going to be pleasant. My sister had this with her Dd at primary. Despite being an ardent supporter of state and making massive efforts with the school the class were just not like minded. she sent her Dd private where she was so much happier and thrived.

The children shouldn't be on TikTok I agree with that. Most children that age are copying dances from films so what they're doing is normal in that sense. Their parents have done them wrong unfortunately.

With respect you keep mentioning your child's academic ability, but she's only 5. You sound like you're saying she's better than the other children because she's more able. My DH took the Mensa in primary and was classed as a genius. He wasn't placed under any pressure and had a wide social group at school. Being academic shouldn't be a barrier to who you'll play with.

Ironically you say your child plays with children a couple of years older, they probably think she's babyish but are being nice. Personally I'd use this as an example on why she should make an effort with the girls in her class.

I also have the same experience as @Reugny There's 5 years between my DC1 and DC3 but DC1's friends loved/love DC3, even when she was still in nappies and they were rapidly maturing.

@Whyisitsosohard Sorry, why is disliking TikTok for Reception aged kids being snobby? Again, genuine question - I’m trying to be open-minded.

I don’t think I’ve said that families with two working parents don’t value education? Only that they’re often not available for play dates, which is understandable but makes things difficult with DD. I’m only working PT at the moment but will definitely be returning to FT at some point in the not too distant future, so no judgement there.

And I do think it’s sad that parents aren’t teaching about nature etc - nothing in-depth, just basic knowledge like pointing out a dandelion or a daffodil. (And before anyone jumps in on me I know this because I volunteered on a recent school trip and the vast majority of the kids couldn’t identify a dandelion, daisy or bramble/blackberry bush on the sheet they were doing)

We’ve had exactly same issue with DS - September born, no siblings or cousins, year 2 and one class entry so no opportunity for mixing classes and he sounds similar to your dd in relation to gravitating to older kids etc. The class is 29 kids with more boys than girls and no-one he really gels with - he gets very into specific interests that probably appear a bit odd / out there.

Gets invites to class parties, but play dates have been a struggle - we’ve hosted lots but reciprocal ones haven’t appeared despite people always being keen to attend something we suggest. We started school in covid and there’s no PTA so it’s been difficult to meet other families and parents

DS really likes school, and seems to enjoy lessons etc and isn’t outwardly unhappy socially (I think at this age he sees everyone as a friend unless they really don’t get on) but is reluctant to branch out beyond the same two kids for play dates to build a bigger social circle.

We’ve had same discussion about moving schools - made easier by the fact there’s no room anywhere else we’d want to send him locally so it’s a non starter. We do local beavers group and after school clubs which is great to meet other kids, but as they’re not at same school, it’s not quite ‘invite over to play’ scenario. We enrol in some part time summer clubs so he’s still doing stuff and socialising with other kids in the 6 week holiday

I have no concrete suggestions / solutions but totally empathise! I’m hoping as he gets older in primary school and friendship groups and interests change, it’ll even out a bit.

I think it’s all about balance, I’ve spent hours outdoors with mu children on big hunts and going looking for wildlife but I let them watch programmes other cgumdten are talking about (age appropriate). I don’t think it’s about changing but learning to get along with others or find common ground. I can well believe this about children’s speech but maybe encourage her to try playing with other children.

Finally, a little bit of being left to own devices, being told no, being told not now etc is good (if you don’t already do this).

Your DD can make friends with anyone they don't have to be in the same class. My DD has friends in her class but also friends in the parallel class and some friends in the year above. I just approached their parents or they approached me and we arranged play dates and invited to birthday party's etc.

Either move her to a different school or insist she is moved to the parallel class. My PFB DD is also coming to the end of her reception year and we have had a few friendship dynamics. Next year the classes will be mixed as several parents have a few concerns as well.

No advice from me, op, but will say I feel for you. Mine was the same when small. He made a couple of friends at school after a while, was also friendly with neighbours' children who were girls. He was quirky, very into music and computer programming (it was BBC basic back then which shows our ages), would sometimes get a bee in his bonnet about issues (still does), and extremely lively.

All I can say is after a few years, when he was about ten and coming up to eleven with puberty approaching, he became laid back, easy going and turned into Mr Popular. It all happened naturally and that has continued.

I'm sure my story is not unusual. It will all happen gradually for yours, op, hopefully you won't have a long wait. Please try not to worry, not easy for a parent. Good luck.