Plenty of playdates at our house but ds never gets invited anywhere

goodfornothing · 2008-01-25T10:23:47+00:00

Hiya My ds is very much into playdates after school and I think he is working his way through the class. I have no problem with this I am happy to have one or two mates back once or twice a week. The problem is that my ds never gets a return invite and has probably had just 2 invites in all of the time he has been at school he is now in yr 2. Do you not think this is mean, and thoughtless. I do appreciate that people have busy lives and other children to contend with but surely a playdate can be fitted in somewhere. I am very shy when it comes to talking to other moms at the school and I only really talk to one or two moms regular. Maybe if I spoke to other moms more my son would get some invites. Does anybody else find this with thier dc that they do all of the inviting and never recieve one back.

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nametaken · 25/01/2008 10:32

Try not to let it bother you. I used to prefer them being at my house anyway.

There will always be givers and takers in life and this applies to playdates too.

It's better to give then receive.

Zog · 25/01/2008 10:36

I had this with my ds and it bothered me until I realised that his good friends' parents either worked, had chaotic homelives or never asked anyone else back either. He's now in Yr4, has the same good friends who I like very much and we still have them for tea (and my ds still doesn't go to theirs). Could this be the case?

Zog · 25/01/2008 10:37

Ooh and another thing, if ds is your first and his friends have older siblings, that also makes a huge difference. DS in Year 1 would have 1 playdate a week. DD2 will be lucky if she has one a term, just because of trying to fit them in amongst the other children's activities etc.

Original poster

goodfornothing · 25/01/2008 10:50

Hi

I just feel a bit sorry for my ds as he is always saying he would like to go to one of his mates houses.

I do know that some of the moms have jobs where they work evenings but not all of the time.
I am not too sure about some of the moms as I don't really speak to them that much.

My ds is very sociable and he likes and plays with everyone also he is not fussy about who comes to our house anybody will do.

My ds is an only and I do know a fair few have older siblings.

I think that with an only you probably do most of the inviting perhaps.

I also think that sometimes a parent only invites a classmate for a playdate if their dc as asked for someone to come.

OP posts:

lljkk · 25/01/2008 12:26

Entirely normal for us, gfn, we host and invite loads, get few invites back (virtually never for DD6, probably about 50% replies for DS8). Not a conflict of heavy workload for most of the parents. I honestly don't think after school activities is a factor, either. I know most of the other parents on a 1st-name basis (perhaps that is the problem? ).

Yes, it sucks.
But I have other things to worry about.

smartiejake · 25/01/2008 12:34

Sounds very familiar to me. My dds are 9 and 11 and I seem to spend my life feeding their friends (quite a few of whom have SAHMs)

One of dd1s friends has been round no less than 14 times( yes I am counting now- petty aren't I!)including 3 sleepovers and she has not been invited back (one of the ones with a SAHM and one older brother so not as if haords of little ones to juggle!)

I don't know how her mum can do it and quite frankly think she is taking the p*ss. There is no way I could let either of my dds go round and be fed and entertained even twice without returning the invite. Not sure what you can do about it- it's not as if you can ring them up and ask if your dc can come and play!

cutekids · 25/01/2008 12:47

i understand where you're coming from but sometimes i just have to stop reciprocating cos i'd never get any time for myself!!!
mine are all very close in age and i seem to be forever having to take other peoples'kids home with me...or i just have to give an absolute "no,sorry,not today!",smile nicely at their mothers and explain i just can't do it all the time.More often than not,they usually agree with me and say they know what i'm talking about!!!I appreciate people inviting my kids but I have to put a stop to it sometimes because I just couldn't afford to reciprocate all the time.

cutekids · 25/01/2008 12:47

i understand where you're coming from but sometimes i just have to stop reciprocating cos i'd never get any time for myself!!!
mine are all very close in age and i seem to be forever having to take other peoples'kids home with me...or i just have to give an absolute "no,sorry,not today!",smile nicely at their mothers and explain i just can't do it all the time.More often than not,they usually agree with me and say they know what i'm talking about!!!I appreciate people inviting my kids but I have to put a stop to it sometimes because I just couldn't afford to reciprocate all the time.

cutekids · 25/01/2008 12:48

i understand where you're coming from but sometimes i just have to stop reciprocating cos i'd never get any time for myself!!!
mine are all very close in age and i seem to be forever having to take other peoples'kids home with me...or i just have to give an absolute "no,sorry,not today!",smile nicely at their mothers and explain i just can't do it all the time.More often than not,they usually agree with me and say they know what i'm talking about!!!I appreciate people inviting my kids but I have to put a stop to it sometimes because I just couldn't afford to reciprocate all the time.

cutekids · 25/01/2008 12:51

oops! well i certainly got my point across there didn't i?! apologies for that!!!

smartiejake · 25/01/2008 13:08

But it doesn't have to cost anything to have a child round to play.
Just being invited for a few hours with no tea would suit me once in a while!

coffeepot · 25/01/2008 13:09

I work late three days a week, and of the remaining days one is taken up by swimming
lessons. On the three days I work dd often
gets invited to playdates. I am always
in deficit, we try and invite someone round
on the fifth day but I simply don't have
time to reciprocate all the time (and I feel
permanantly guilty about it).

It is easier when you know the Mums, at this
age play dates are still often initiated by the Mums, but in a year or so the children will be
arranging their own playdates and it might not
be such a problem.

LunarSea · 25/01/2008 13:18

ds1 goes to his friends house after school more often than we have them back here. Unfortunately as I'm AFAIK the only mum in his class who is working full time there's just not the opportuntity to have kids back on a frequent basis. I do make sure people are aware of this, and have friends over at weekends when we can though.

legacy · 25/01/2008 13:28

Oh dear, I'm guilty of the accepting mroe playdates than I have reciprocated

but not to the extent of 14 - that's ridiculous.

I have to say, I hate them at my house, and find them a right old PITA, simply because DH & I both work from home, and when one of the DSs has a friend round it seems to create much more work, takes extra time to organise and tidy up afterwards, AND there is much more noise!

The nature of my work is quite unpredictable too, so I never really know quite how busy I will be 2 weeks ahead, which makes planning things in hard.

I DO try to reciprocate, but stretch them out over time, 'cos otherwise I shut the door, think 'phew that's over' and then get another bl**dy invitation the next day

Some kids are better than others though - I have a mental 'high/ low maintenance list', and the low maintenance ones get invited more often! High maintenance sometimes get invited to the park, if I'm feeling nice!

juuule · 25/01/2008 13:28

If you don't like doing it or think that you are being taken advantage of in some way, then why carry on doing it? Just stop inviting them back. If it benefits your child to have friends back and you're doing it for that reason, then what's the problem?

legacy · 25/01/2008 13:36

Must admit, I am honest with people, and say it's hard because of the working at home thing.

I find that people with only one child (or where their child is the 'first') seem to do more inviting - they seem to 'need' it a bit more IYSWIM, whereas the DSs are happy to come home and muck about together most of the time.

One of two of the mums say things like, "oh please let me have DS1 after school - it keeps my DS occupied, and I can get on with XYZ" - strangely that doesn't seem to work the same way for me, as I end up having three boys (2 DSs + friend) but then if I then try to arrange a different playdate for DS2 I end up in playdate-loop-reciprocation-nightmare, and it just continues.....

AAAAAAGH!