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Primary education

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Overly competitive parents

62 replies

shehr · 02/07/2022 12:10

My DS cleared the 7+ exams and is now going to join one of the top private schools in London. I prepared him for the exams myself (as I had the time).

I naively thought that once he is in, the pressure will ease off him and he will be able to relax and enjoy the rest of his primary school years. I have now met a few parents whose DC will be starting with my son and I have found them to be overly competitive. Every conversation is centred around how many sports, how many clubs, how many extracurricular activities their DS are involved in and how extraordinary they are. This is on top of external tutoring to make sure they are on top of academics too.

I am not from London so I didn't realise what we are getting into.

Please give me some advise to retain my sanity and prevent me from joining the rat race.

However, please also be honest if that really is the case in many top schools and the expectation?

OP posts:
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Plumbear2 · 02/07/2022 12:29

Listen but don't give any information about your child. They soon lose interest.

hatchyu · 02/07/2022 12:30

My friends who went to private school had tutors

hatchyu · 02/07/2022 12:31

this was in the 90s

sleepyhoglet · 02/07/2022 12:32

Just have a stock response. You know you are doing the right thing for your child but many others have lost perspective

Shehr · 02/07/2022 12:41

Thank you everyone.

Would you say that those boys who don't have this external help (be it sports, academics or clubs) are left out?

I wouldn't want my DS to lose his confidence or to develop some sort of inferiority complex.

I feel most of the mums are too much involved in keeping tabs on who is doing what and then engineering their DS friendships based on that information. I saw this pattern at my DS current pre prep too.

The amount of playdate offers we had once everyone knew he is in the top tables is astounding. The behaviour of these mums was very different prior to that.

OP posts:
redskyatnight · 02/07/2022 12:42

I suspect if you are sending your child to a competitive school then this will be the norm.
So you'll either need to get very good at ignoring it, or send your child to a different school.

Miriam101 · 04/07/2022 15:01

That's the system you've got him into, and it will continue thus until he is 17 and other parents want to know which Oxbridge college he's applying for and who's tutoring him through his A-levels.

Stichintime · 04/07/2022 15:04

This is the nauture of such schools. Private schools are competitive; he's already competed to get in. That doesn't mean you have to join in!

Eddielizzard · 04/07/2022 15:06

I've had to deal with these sorts. I grey rock them. I let them go on about their DC's achievements blah blah blah clubs 17 times a week, this top tutor blah. I didn't tutor my kids, they did the clubs they wanted. I used to worry that I wasn't pushing / doing enough. Now I work out who the non-pushy parents are, and talk to them. The others, I give as little info as possible. My kids are more than fine, in fact are doing very well without all this extra pressure.

Follow your gut. Yes, a lot of parents like this, but not all.

Shehr · 04/07/2022 20:32

@Eddielizzard glad to know they can still do ok without all the extra pressure as my main worry is that if I don’t join the race, will my DS be left behind?

OP posts:
Shehr · 04/07/2022 20:34

@Miriam101 Best approach would then be to avoid speaking with anybody or otherwise I will go crazy!

OP posts:
Eddielizzard · 04/07/2022 22:00

@Shehr who knows, I wish there could be a sliding doors film... I don't have the answers, I just know I used to listen to these pushy parents and put pressure on myself and my kids and it never went well. Our relationship suffered and they didn't do any better at school, in fact my DC worked less. I decided to back off and just encourage and stay positive. If they didn't want to do something - ok. It is very very hard, and this is my opinion: if you push your kids to work, they work to please you and their achievements aren't really theirs, they're yours (or they rebel and don't work at all). They did the work because you told them to and you pressured them the whole way. If you're enthusiastic about their effort, they own that achievement and they are likely to be spurred on to do more. Then all that work they put in belongs completely to them, and I think that's very powerful.

Good luck. I wish someone had told me this with my eldest so I didn't learn the hard way. It took me a long time to trust my instinct, but I'm fully aware that others may disagree...

Lolakath19 · 05/07/2022 12:49

Hi @shehr hope you are well. I followed the 7+ chat last year but can't remember where you have decided to send your son. Our son will join SPJ in September and he had an afternoon taster yesterday. Feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

CloudPop · 05/07/2022 13:33

Shehr · 04/07/2022 20:32

@Eddielizzard glad to know they can still do ok without all the extra pressure as my main worry is that if I don’t join the race, will my DS be left behind?

No he won't be left behind. He sounds like a bright boy who will do well academically. Try and few activities out and try to find something he enjoys. A few different sports/swimming, music, chess etc. If he finds one he enjoys then great. If not, it won't matter. Plenty of the boys won't do it all and even the ones that do will start dropping a lot of these activities off as they get older and focus on their main one.

CloudPop · 05/07/2022 13:35

Miriam101 · 04/07/2022 15:01

That's the system you've got him into, and it will continue thus until he is 17 and other parents want to know which Oxbridge college he's applying for and who's tutoring him through his A-levels.

In my experience it calms down significantly as they get older. It's crucial to ignore as much of this kind of behaviour as you can. You will find normal parents amongst the crowd, just smile and nod until you find some you can relate to

Musmerian · 05/07/2022 13:42

As someone who used to teach in London independents I’d say you’ll need to get used to it. They’re like bloody piranhas! It’s all insecurity and nonsense.

Aquilegia23 · 05/07/2022 13:47

That's what top London schools are like. My daughter is in huge demand for coffee mornings because she has got her son into a top London school. It's a very competitive environment right from the start.

BobbinHood · 05/07/2022 13:49

Surely this is just what it’s like at the top private schools? You’ve chosen this system and this environment, what you’ve described sounds exactly in line with expectations!

easyday · 05/07/2022 14:03

There are competitive parents at many schools, and of course a selective school encourages this - to even get your child in is hard work.
But you can keep out if it. There will be plenty of parents more realistic and down to earth.
My son did sports and activities outside his private school, but also enjoyed the opportunities within the school (this Is what you are paying for). Just keep away from 'those' parents.
My daughter did not get that involved. There were kids that got this prize at LAMDA, debating prize, grade 8 music, and so on. If your kid is into an activity, great. But as we are now facing university applications - they don't give a toss. They want to know what you do that demonstrates your interest in your subject. They don't really care that you have Gold D of E. Many won't even read the personal statement.
Kids should do extracurricular activities because they want to, they enjoy it, and if it's related to their eventual career aspirations great. But don't push just to compete with others.

CrispieCake · 05/07/2022 14:31

You just need to do the right thing for your son and chart your way through it. Some children need more downtime than others - if your DS needs a few afternoons a week to decompress from the stress of school rather than doing activities every afternoon, then you are absolutely doing the right thing for him if you limit activities to a couple a week he enjoys rather than trying to fill every empty space in his schedule. Likewise, there is huge value imo in letting children be 'bored' occasionally... let him mooch around the house and garden and have to find ways to entertain himself. The right path for your child (who you know best) might be very different from what is right for other children in his class, so don't feel he needs to be doing everything they are doing. The most important things are that he is happy, well-rested, has enough time to decompress at home and is supported by you to keep up academically but without excessive pressure. He is still very little.

Spencerfig · 05/07/2022 14:40

Shehr · 02/07/2022 12:41

Thank you everyone.

Would you say that those boys who don't have this external help (be it sports, academics or clubs) are left out?

I wouldn't want my DS to lose his confidence or to develop some sort of inferiority complex.

I feel most of the mums are too much involved in keeping tabs on who is doing what and then engineering their DS friendships based on that information. I saw this pattern at my DS current pre prep too.

The amount of playdate offers we had once everyone knew he is in the top tables is astounding. The behaviour of these mums was very different prior to that.

Look up the threads about cultural & social capital... Plenty of competive mums try to increase their child's "social capital" by trying to engineer friendships with well connected families... In my experience they have you sussed in 10 mins & you are no use unless you are horsey types / you ski /have a big country pile or a city job or similar... BTW this wasn't in a private school but an affluent state, we are the poor relations.

Tessasanderson · 05/07/2022 14:48

Parents are generally overly competitive and self centered. Don't take it personally. Unfortunately it seems to be that only the clever, most money or biggest house can be happy these days. Completely incorrect but that is the majority of people i experience these days.

Even the people i would regard as really nice cant help themselves. Long term friends i have known for decades. Its a social disease.

I work in sales and love listening to people and a few years ago i got so sick of people/friends saying something to me just to get the opportunity to unload. I decided that from then on, i would never bring up the subject of my children in conversation unless prompted. The results were amazing. I would sit for 30/60/90mins with friends i had know for decades listening to them chat about THEIR kids. I would listen intently and give it all my utmost attention, whilst wondering when/if they would even give a second thought for anyone but their kids. It very rarely happened. This was limited to anyone in particular, doctors, teachers, physio's, builders.

Listening is a lost art these days.

Tessasanderson · 05/07/2022 14:50

Sorry, wasnt limited to anyone in particular

Ilady · 05/07/2022 15:23

You helped your child to get into a good school. Unfortunately good schools have a habit of attracting the pushy parents or pushy mother's. These people are always looking around to see who their little darling is competing against. They don't like it when their little darling is not tops at everything.
I have a friend who's 2 children are good in primary school and good at sport. She has another child going into secondary school.
She has encouraged them to work hard and do their best. In regards to sport has told them it good to take part and that they might not always win but to wish the winner well.

At the moment she has a pushy mother's in one of her son's classes and she avoids her as much as possible. This child's mother is pushing her son in school and expects him to get high grades. She is doing the same at football and her son is not naturally good at sport. Everything for her is about winning and meanwhile her son is miserable when he does not win or do well in exam's. He is not a happy child and has not got many friends either.

My friend decided not to send her eldest to the local secondary school because it not a good school, has poor management and it offers very little extra circular activities. She applied for and got a place in the best secondary school a few miles away. She told 2 close friends that she was going to do this as one of her friends already had a child in school and the other lady would not tell people of my friends plan's. The pushy mother said to her was X looking for to starting in the local secondary next year? My friend told her then he was not going their but was going to Y a few miles away. Pushy mother was not happy to hear this because she knows it's a hard school to get into and it has better results than the local school.

The majority of these pushy parents can't accept their child might not always be top at everything. Some kids are not brilliant in school but can be good at practical subjects, art or music. Then as kids they have no time to play or spend time with friends because every afternoon they have some activity/class/grinds to attend.

So pushy parents then get them to do certain subjects for A level and push them towards certain courses. If the child gets into the course they might drop out because they are not able for it or don't like it. When they get away from home they go mad with going out, drinking ect because they had no life at home and then fail all their exam's. Another thing that can happen is that the adult child ends up having a breakdown or mental health problems.

The reality is for a lot of these pushy parents and in some cases the mother's seem to want their child to have the life they never had. They forgot their child is not them and have their own personality, interests and talent's.

I know a couple who are now in their late 70s and were pushy parents. 3 of their kids were bright and good in school but their other child was more into art, music and photography.
They pushed him towards college and he dropped out. He drifted along, got different jobs and now he is the only adult child with free time to help them during the week. The other kids visit and help them at weekends.

Another couple I know had a very pushy mother with a few children. One of her kids was nearly expelled from a boarding school because they went out one night with a few friends and it was in the school rules this was not allowed. Pushy mother then blamed the other students for leading her X to do this. She pushed her kids towards college and various things after college just to say what they were doing in college and how well they were doing later on. One of son's lives near them but the rest of the kids are further away and don't call to see them to much. 2 of their adult children are in Australia and have no plans to come home. The father has a few friends and interests and he goes to things. Meanwhile his wife has very few friends because who wants to be asked about their kids and then told about pushy mother's fabulous kids and about how great they are doing. In fact this woman is such a pain I have seen people cross the road or go in the opposite direction just to avoid her.
These people are now elderly. I know they don't have great relationships with their now adult kids because of the mother pushing them.

I would just wait and see what the other parents are like. Just say as little as possible to the pushy mother's because they remember everything and will comment when in their eyes your child is not as brilliant as there's. Don't get involved with bringing your child to every sports, music, ect thing they are bringing their kids to. Kids need time to be kids and to play with friends. They need to do an extra circular activities because it a useful skills to have or it something they enjoy. As well as that long term you want happy well adjusted kids that can cope if things don't always go their way. Then if your kid is happy they should do as well they can in school and as adults also.

You wanted to get your child into a good school so long term they would get a good education and have more options re college and careers when they are older. I would not be listening to or getting involved with the pushy mommy gang because long term it won't be good for you or your child.

Spencerfig · 05/07/2022 15:56

Tessasanderson · 05/07/2022 14:48

Parents are generally overly competitive and self centered. Don't take it personally. Unfortunately it seems to be that only the clever, most money or biggest house can be happy these days. Completely incorrect but that is the majority of people i experience these days.

Even the people i would regard as really nice cant help themselves. Long term friends i have known for decades. Its a social disease.

I work in sales and love listening to people and a few years ago i got so sick of people/friends saying something to me just to get the opportunity to unload. I decided that from then on, i would never bring up the subject of my children in conversation unless prompted. The results were amazing. I would sit for 30/60/90mins with friends i had know for decades listening to them chat about THEIR kids. I would listen intently and give it all my utmost attention, whilst wondering when/if they would even give a second thought for anyone but their kids. It very rarely happened. This was limited to anyone in particular, doctors, teachers, physio's, builders.

Listening is a lost art these days.

Yes my son has a mum like this in his swim club... She's so tiring... Every sentance "I never knew a child like my boy who after 8 lessons needed none"... "We're such an outdoorsy family he swam before he walked & he walked at 11 months" 🙄 she's ultra competitive but truely believes there is noone like her precious boy...