Overly competitive parents

[shehr]

My DS cleared the 7+ exams and is now going to join one of the top private schools in London. I prepared him for the exams myself (as I had the time).

I naively thought that once he is in, the pressure will ease off him and he will be able to relax and enjoy the rest of his primary school years. I have now met a few parents whose DC will be starting with my son and I have found them to be overly competitive. Every conversation is centred around how many sports, how many clubs, how many extracurricular activities their DS are involved in and how extraordinary they are. This is on top of external tutoring to make sure they are on top of academics too.

I am not from London so I didn't realise what we are getting into.

Please give me some advise to retain my sanity and prevent me from joining the rat race.

However, please also be honest if that really is the case in many top schools and the expectation?

You tutored your 7 year old to get into a top private primary and now you're complaining about pushy, competitive parents?

I honestly don't mean this hastily but I would've thought you would have fitted right in with them.

Most 'normal' parents wouldn't even dream of tutoring a 7 year old. You obviously want the best for your DS and are prepared to go all out for it and they are the same.

IME kids being tutored is just doing the schools job for them. These private schools must be loving this. They get to collect ££££ from parents and don't even have to provide decent teaching as parents are outsourcing to tutors.

Surely tutors are for children who are struggling. I doubt they are bragging about that. They are telling you their problems.

Run your own race op

We didn’t do lots of clubs and burn our kids out, and both got into world class schools and now universities.
Dont get drawn into the ruthless competition- it’s not about the childrens well being or interests it’s just pure oneupmanship.

Just nod and ignore and say you prefer to keep things low key, and whatever you do don’t buy into the notion that you are disadvantaging your dc by ensuring they get enough rest, sleep, nutritional suppers, play time and space to actually relax, reflect and think. Good parenting is much much more than clubs and tutors on a loop! Distance yourself from the tigers and focus on your dc

Next time you speak to her try to see how long it takes her to show even the slightest interest in you or your son. Honestly it becomes rather funny and a real eye opener. You start to see the triggers they use to start a conversation the can completely dominate.

The mum never mentions my son only to pry into what swim meets we might be doing... I don't tell her, the one I told her about she was like "how did you find out about this meet, coach never told us".. I simply said online... She is painful... The son is nice but complains constantly to his mum if other children get attention or help from the coach... They view swim club as a private lesson for their son even though there's 8 kids who attend 4 days a week alongside her son...

You don’t sound overly humble yourself!

Unfortunately I think it comes with the territory of the top private schools and tutoring 7 year olds.

The one thing I would say is try not to let it influence you. YOu don't need to buy into the idea that what they are doing is the best approach (unless that is what you believe). An overly scheduled, overly tutored childhood sounds like hell to me, and something I would never associate with "doing the best for my child". Remove yourself from the conversation, look at your own child and decide what's important to your family and how you want their childhood to be - then go from there with confidence that even if you aren't doing the same as everyone else at school you're happy with the choices you've made. If all else fails blank them completely or nod politely and leave the conversation- don't give them any ammunition!

OP -if you've bought in to a 7+ exam to one of the top London schools then you're already in the rat race! You chose that school so you have to expect that culture?

You don't have to join in the conversations and you can try to keep things chilled for your ds but if he's only 7 then this really is the tip of the iceberg - it'll be fever pitch in a few years time...

@Wnikat really? What did I say that came across as boasting? It’s an honest question.

@ChnandlerBong you are right! We should have thought about it before he gave the 7+
I knew it would be competitive to an extent but I wasn’t expecting what I have seen so far.
Maybe I have just met the wrong parents so far. I am sure we will find our tribe :)

@Spencerfig you are so right and I so wish that wasn’t the case. Back when I was in school, my mum didn’t even know what the parents of my friends did. Nowadays it seems, the friendships are engineered by mums. Children can’t pick their own friends.

@shehr
Its very much a London thing. Us country folk are more laid back. A few might tutor but most don’t when attending a prep school. They do most sport at school too. Plus music etc. So there are talented DC but lots of more laid back parents. It doesn’t have to be like this outside the London day schools. From 13, boarding is definitely the more relaxed way to go. You can certainly avoid parental angst!

@THisbackwithavengeance

The OP tutoring their own son, is a different kettle of fish to paying for a tutor.

Parents at every type of school work with their children for school work and exams. That doesn't make them tiger parents.

I didn’t. Mine took entrance exams with no input from me at all. It’s just about picking the right school for DC. When they boarded I didn’t do prep with then either! Bliss. And: they turned out pretty well!

I wonder how you know what school is the right fit if everyone else is tutored and supported by yours are not? Is that not a huge disadvantage?
genuine question as I increasingly find it is far from a level playing field regardless of your child’s ability ( we attend a non competitive country school) but acknowledge the global presence tizer

No. It’s not a disadvantage. I didn’t seek very academic schools. DD looked at schools with us and we never thought she wouldn’t get into any of them! All Top 100 independent schools. We chose a school where DD would be academically well taught but where she could enjoy music and drama etc and become a valued member of school society as the school was much smaller than the state equivalent. She also wanted to board and DD2 did too. They enjoyed all that was on offer - a lot!

I still don’t think you must go to a ludicrously competitive school to do well. Being a bit more relaxed and less stressed is better. Most boarding schools are not overly competitive to get into. So we just tried. DD went to a state primary school and we didn’t tutor for county-wide 11 plus either. If you go weekly boarding you can get to brilliant schools without the massive London day school angst. It’s a lot easier!

Interesting view thank youtizer. Did your dc achieve the grades needed for an excellent university of their choice?
We went down the relaxed route from day one educationally as I am opposed to pressurising dc but we found it heated up regardless in the last year of GCSES and now A levels. Entry requirements seem to get higher all of the time.

@Provenceinthesummer
Yes: DD1 got a place at Oxford. DD2 was arty! But both are where they want to be. I don’t think your child needs to compete against 100 others that are all brilliant. It’s often just as fulfilling to be in the top 10 in a smaller pool! My DDs have friends who have mostly been to RG universities and have a wide range of jobs now. Yes, grades look terrifying for university but so are the A level grades awarded! Much higher than 10 years ago. I also think educating the whole person matters. Being enthused by the opportunities encountered is an important part of developing as a person.

I was very lucky that there wasn’t great parental angst in the school. Nothing like the angst amongst parents before the 11 plus. The poster who thought tutoring is for DC to catch up is way off the mark, sadly.

I'm not sure what you expected to be honest. If you choose to send your young child to a "top" private school that requires tutoring to get admission, then surely it's self evident that the children will mostly have pushy parents who are ambitious for their offspring? If you weren't inclined to be pushy, then you just wouldn't choose that environment in the first place.

Of course, there are levels of pushiness, and perhaps some parents are further along that scale than you are, but don't kid yourself that you're not one of them. That's the system that you have signed up to.

If it’s SPJ then I know/have known quite a few kids there. Yes there are indeed a lot of pushy parents but not all. I also know some very bright boys who got in without tutoring and the parents are not pushy at all.
I think that fundamentally if your son is naturally bright and was tutored mainly just for exam technique then I think he will enjoy it. That’s been the experience of the parents I’ve known anyway.
But I think you do need to accept that there will still be tutoring going on as some parents will always be anxious about the competition and will be trying to keep their child near the top of the year group etc. Obviously this is harder the more academic the cohort & that makes the pushy parent even more anxious.

Competitive pushy parents don’t necessarily back off once they’ve got their DC into their desired school. And it applies to every area - they need their DC to excel in sport, music, drama etc aswell. I really think you just have to consciously try to switch off, ignore them and do your own thing.

But it’s possible to extract from it! It doesn’t have to go any further.

@Anothernamechangeplease you are right. I guess ‘pushy parent’ is a subjective term then. I probably come across as one to many given I chose to prep my DS for a top school.

However, there is no way any child can clear a 7+ exam without some help from their parents or a tutor. They are expected to know the whole of year 2 curriculum when they sit the exam at the start of year 2. Parents who declare that their DC passed the exam without any help are lying. It’s just not possible, no matter how gifted the child is. For example, no child would know what long division is unless exposed to it in some form.

@shehr
Mt comments were for the 11 plus in a grammar county. Never considered 7 plus for a prep. Simply didn’t need to., However I do think you can let the school do the heavy lifting. Let DC enjoy his time at the school and: don’t worry! It’s a world I wouldn’t enjoy but you really don’t have to engage in it. I’m sure you will find other parents who are like minded. There are straightforward parents whose DC achieve well. I don’t see the need to be better than others in the school at 7,8 or 9 even.

DC find paths at senior school you might not have thought about. DD1 loved MFL. She was better than prep school educated DC at MFL despite never having done 1 minute of it at state primary. She also found singing. DD2 loved art. Other DC were great at sport. Just let them sort out what they like and they become good at it. A rounded child with time for hobbies and fun is a happier child in my view. There’s no need to compete against classmates all the time.

Come on OP, it’s Kings. Simple due diligence on the school would have told you this.

I don't think just because the kids do a lot of extra activities or sports it means the parents are over competitive. My children attend a state school and a lot of their friends are also doing a lot of activities. My dc both do many activities during the school year (summer as well if they have the camps) and this is by their own choosing, not because I want to be competitive. To give you an example my ds does tennis, cricket, football, rugby, golf, multisports weekly during the school year. My dd does dance, tennis, debate, netball 3 times a week, drama and art. But they also do not get much sport within the school, so we give them the options to do it outside. There was one year my dd did not want to do anything so we stopped her gymnastics, ballet, music etc and just let her play in the park every day after school with her friends. She then decided she wanted to do things again, but changed it up with new activities.