Overly competitive parents

[shehr]

My DS cleared the 7+ exams and is now going to join one of the top private schools in London. I prepared him for the exams myself (as I had the time).

I naively thought that once he is in, the pressure will ease off him and he will be able to relax and enjoy the rest of his primary school years. I have now met a few parents whose DC will be starting with my son and I have found them to be overly competitive. Every conversation is centred around how many sports, how many clubs, how many extracurricular activities their DS are involved in and how extraordinary they are. This is on top of external tutoring to make sure they are on top of academics too.

I am not from London so I didn't realise what we are getting into.

Please give me some advise to retain my sanity and prevent me from joining the rat race.

However, please also be honest if that really is the case in many top schools and the expectation?

If you don’t want to get into it maybe have your children go to a state school instead.

We’d signed up for an extremely good private school, paid the deposit, then changed our mind because (in part) of the batshit attitudes of some of the parents and by being appalled at the two little shits who showed us around.

We accept this if ours do develop any special needs, or struggle at their state school that we may need to think again, but I swear some of the parents treated getting in to the school more as something to boast about than what was best for their children.

My younger DD went to a very good (not London) prep with scholarships to all the good (not London) schools. I know schools like this are in the east of the country. A few might have tutored but not all and it didn’t feel odd one out not to tutor. You don’t have to go state if you don’t want to. Next destination school matters and it’s easier from a prep. You can keep your sanity whilst all around you are losing theirs! Just be resolute.

I don’t think OP talks about Kings. My son will start Year 3 there in a month time, I’ve been to a few meet-ups with new boys families and everyone seemed to be very friendly and relaxed. Maybe it will change later, but so far so good.

@2minutesplease fingers crossed for you, I’m sure one of the most competitive schools to get into doesn’t have competitive patents……..

Its not unusual for middle class kids to do a lot of extracurricular activities (state or private) and bright children tend to excel at more than just academics. Are you sure they are being competitive. They don't know you well so kids and their activities probably feels like a safe neutral topic of conversation.

I do also think children begin to discover extra activities they would like to do. He’s only y3 so plenty of time yet. Most top
preps will offer music and sports coaching for example as the child goes through the school. You don’t always have to organise much yourself. I do think parents jostle for position within a new group and you will find people more like you.

Why do you make a distinction between a parent tutoring their child or paying someone else to do it? Either way, the main thing is the child doing the extra work and spending the extra time.

@user149799568
That’s the beauty of boarding schools. You don’t tutor in the main as a parent. Unless you are really desperate! You enjoy time with DC when you see them. I greatly preferred the more relaxed time with our children and I know other people valued it too. Yes, you went Dc to have a good work ethic and be organised about homework but you don’t want it filling every bit of the evenings.

@TizerorFizz
yes agree with you re boarding but not many people want to do that before Year 9 so you’ve still got 6 years of dealing with competitive parents after the 7+

@LivesinLondon2000
Plenty of country preps do weekly boarding before 13 and they are very good schools. Just not aimed at the London Day school market. Many senior boarding schools are weekly too. It’s a good choice if you don’t want to compete!

`@TizerorFizz There are boarding schools before the teen years but I think sending a young child away for boarding most of the week to avoid the need to prepare for entrance exams to most people would seem pretty extreme...

There are plenty of non-selective schools (private and state) that offer a very high quality education and send children ultimately to top universities. Extensive exam prep and tutoring aren't the only paths available besides boarding a child.

Anyway, the extensive extracurricular activities you mention sound fairly standard for a top school. The constant tutoring isn't at all universal though I've heard its much more common in north London which is very off-putting. Some of the west London schools though also have a reputation for absolutely ruthlessly competitive parents too.

I meant from 11-13 really. That’s perfectly ok. Lots of girls do it. It really isn’t sending them away if it’s not that far from home and you see them every weekend.