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Primary education

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Original poster

school refuses to respond to me, only sends demands for donations

69 replies

DivorcedDad123 · 22/05/2022 20:30

I am a divorced dad of twins, 6 years old, I am the lessor party in the divorce so have been pushed out of the area in the divorce settlement. I am an engaged father and always have been, 50% custody, all the hospital visits, parks every weekend. My ex wife was physically abusive once the children were born and has broadcast far and wide what a bad husband I am, she was arrested for assault but hired a great and expensive barrister to get her off the charge. The school refuses to engage with me, will not return an email or telephone message. One of my children pulled down their pants in the school yard on one of my days, I was never called and the boy is 6 so I couldn't get a straight story from him. I emailed the school, responded to their letter but got nothing. I only receive their demands for donations to pay for whatever they require next. Any advice? because all I can think of is requesting an audit of their financial records to make my point. Its impossible to parent in a situation where you have no details of what has actually happened and your treated like a pariah by the other parents.

OP posts:
FluffyDogMother · 22/05/2022 20:37

I'm not sure what you mean by lessor party?

I would suggest if no joy with the school contacting you or returning your calls or emails, you use their complaints procedure, which should be published on their website. Asking for a financial audit just sounds like a huge waste of yours and their time to be honest, makes you sound vexatious, and really has nothing to do with them contacting you.

Isitcake · 22/05/2022 20:40

Go into the office and ask for a meeting with the head and class teacher.

BreakerOfBras · 22/05/2022 20:50

Is there a court order against you at all?

saraclara · 22/05/2022 21:01

because all I can think of is requesting an audit of their financial records to make my point.

How on earth did you think that will help? If you want them to engage with you, the last thing you should be doing is trying to avenge them in an entirely unrelated way..

NerrSnerr · 22/05/2022 21:46

Have you asked them when you do the pick up/ drop off?

DenholmElliot1 · 22/05/2022 21:52

I don't understand why your not asking stuff at pick up time

Original poster
DivorcedDad123 · 22/05/2022 22:05

no court order against me, my commute to the school is 30-40 mins (I cannot afford to live in the catchment area, my ex wife does, I am the lesser party financially) so my interaction is with the commercial company providing breakfast and after school club who have no problem interacting with me in person/email/telephone, they are great and understand the situation.

"How on earth did you think that will help?" Never stated that I think it would help

"Go into the office and ask for a meeting with the head and class teacher." When I meet them in person its like all of this never goes on, I have attended parents evening, other than being blanked by other parents who always spoke to me previously when I lived in the area its all perfectly normal.

The sum total of the advice is to wait until the next time it becomes an issue and then make a complaint officially.

OP posts:
EeeByeGummieBear · 22/05/2022 22:16

Maybe you need to have a meeting with the teacher and ask explicitly why they aren't communicating with you about incidents that happen in school.
Due to work, my DH has always been the primary contact for our DC's (as I am unable to answer my phone whilst at work). The school NEVER rang him first- often they would ring my mobile and the home number but never him (despite not receiving an answer from me on mobile or at home).
Some schools have an old fashioned view re parental roles. However, there might also be something else going on, so please ask them about it (until you get a satisfactory answer)

PrimarilyParented · 22/05/2022 22:18

You have the right to request a file for your children containing all known contact and data they hold. This will include all email contact from yourself but they will also have to redact any personal information relating to your ex for GDPR reasons. Once you have this you will have a clear case to take to a complaint meeting regarding their refusal to respond to your contact with them as it will document their lack of reply. It will also document if they are responding to your ex and then you will have a very clear grievance case as it will show that they have taken sides and are discriminating against you. Or it may show you they are generally crap at replying to parents and don’t respond to her either.

titchy · 22/05/2022 22:20

The sum total of the advice is to wait until the next time it becomes an issue and then make a complaint officially.

If you have sent emails that have not been replied to then surely you don't need to wait till the next time - complain now. Make sure you go through the proper procedure.

PinkWisteria · 22/05/2022 22:26

Do you have Parental Responsibility for the children? If so, you need to make sure this is included on their school records. Schools are legally required to engage with parents, however what they 'must' do as opposed to what the 'can' do differs depending on the legal situation ie. PR any legal orders etc. Google Parental Responsibility and schools for helpful info.

PurpleandPlatinum · 22/05/2022 22:28

The school should have a primary and secondary contact.
I know if I need to contact someone about an incident the primary contact is sometimes a grandparent and most definitely is sometimes the dad. Unfortunately I wouldn’t have time to be ringing 2 people but I see no reason 2 people wouldn’t be emailed about routine things.
I would see it as the parents role to liaise between themselves about incidents at school.

Original poster
DivorcedDad123 · 22/05/2022 22:33

thank you @PrimarilyParented "It will also document if they are responding to your ex and then you will have a very clear grievance case as it will show that they have taken sides and are discriminating against you" great advice

OP posts:
stimpyyouidiot · 22/05/2022 22:38

I would call the office and ask that you be sent all correspondence. We have this where I work and it's as simple as a check box. They'll be able to sort it quickly and easily hopefully.

Original poster
DivorcedDad123 · 22/05/2022 22:42

yes your right @PurpleandPlatinum "I would see it as the parents role to liaise between themselves about incidents at school." under normal circumstances reasonable people be able to discuss their kids but we are at war and will be forever, I have just been told I cannot take the kids camping but she can take them to Spain, there is no logical reasoning going on

OP posts:
Sherrystrull · 22/05/2022 23:30

stimpyyouidiot · 22/05/2022 22:38

I would call the office and ask that you be sent all correspondence. We have this where I work and it's as simple as a check box. They'll be able to sort it quickly and easily hopefully.

Absolutely this. Schools are used to situations such as this.

daretodenim · 23/05/2022 04:14

I have just been told I cannot take the kids camping but she can take them to Spain, there is no logical reasoning going on

Who told you that? Either she can't stop you taking them on holiday (in the UK) during your time with the kids or she can which may be the same reason the school isn't contacting you. What does your divorce say?

My suggestion - which is hard when you have a bad divorce and feel like the one who came out of it worse - is that when you contact the school you leave ALL emotion at the door. You're coming across as somewhat petulant and victim playing. I'm not saying you've no reason to feel that way, but it's not going to help you here. Stick to procedures. And do not do anything vexatious because it will only make you look like a dick and back up whatever you think she's been telling people.

DockOTheBay · 23/05/2022 04:34

DivorcedDad123 · 22/05/2022 22:42

yes your right @PurpleandPlatinum "I would see it as the parents role to liaise between themselves about incidents at school." under normal circumstances reasonable people be able to discuss their kids but we are at war and will be forever, I have just been told I cannot take the kids camping but she can take them to Spain, there is no logical reasoning going on

Told by whom? If there's no court order against you, what is stopping you from taking them away?

Original poster
DivorcedDad123 · 23/05/2022 07:44

daretodenim · 23/05/2022 04:14

I have just been told I cannot take the kids camping but she can take them to Spain, there is no logical reasoning going on

Who told you that? Either she can't stop you taking them on holiday (in the UK) during your time with the kids or she can which may be the same reason the school isn't contacting you. What does your divorce say?

My suggestion - which is hard when you have a bad divorce and feel like the one who came out of it worse - is that when you contact the school you leave ALL emotion at the door. You're coming across as somewhat petulant and victim playing. I'm not saying you've no reason to feel that way, but it's not going to help you here. Stick to procedures. And do not do anything vexatious because it will only make you look like a dick and back up whatever you think she's been telling people.

I do what is in my divorce custody agreement, it was an example of how there isn't a reasonable logical discussion between both parties.

OP posts:
NeededAction · 23/05/2022 07:53

I’d ask for a FOI request relating to your DC from the school: not only will you have the information above as a previous poster set out, but it also indicates to the school that you ARE invested in your children’s education and well-being, and you won’t just be fobbed off with their non-responses. If they make life difficult for you (wont tell you whats going on) then you make it difficult for them (a FOI request is a hassle! Every single thing ever recorded re your child needs to be identified / printed / collated and (in some cases) parts redacted. It’s not a quick job!)

prh47bridge · 23/05/2022 08:02

She cannot control what you do with your children when they are in your care. Whatever it says in the agreement, the courts will not uphold any attempts by her to do so. You may need to go back to court to get a CAO to replace the agreement.

Regarding the school, I would suggest you remind them that they are required by law to engage with you and point them at the government's guidance which can be found at www.gov.uk/government/publications/dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility/understanding-and-dealing-with-issues-relating-to-parental-responsibility

cansu · 23/05/2022 08:03

I think your comment about being at war and threats of financial audits may go some way to examining why school give you a wide berth. To the school you are parents who bring a lot of drama and probably try to points score. Whether your ex is reasonable or not is irrelevant. You need to communicate about the kids and that includes about school. They may or may not be communicating badly with you. Make an appointment. Be polite and ask how they decide which parent to contact. If necessary explain you and your ex are not communicating well but are working on it. In the meantime you don't want to miss anything. You need to take the drama out of this. I think you might be approaching school in the same way you approach your relationship with your ex.

Isitcake · 23/05/2022 08:05

If you are not allowed to take them camping there is more to this story than you are letting on.

Any normal arrangement would mean you can do what you want during your time as long as you stay in the country.

I assume, contrary to what you have said, there is a court order in place which prevents the school sharing information with you.

You come across as very bitter and hostile. Maybe take a step back and work on appearing to want to be involved because you want to help your children rather then get back at your ex.

00100001 · 23/05/2022 08:13

It's in your divorce settlement that you can't take the kids camping...?

Original poster
DivorcedDad123 · 23/05/2022 08:40

cansu · 23/05/2022 08:03

I think your comment about being at war and threats of financial audits may go some way to examining why school give you a wide berth. To the school you are parents who bring a lot of drama and probably try to points score. Whether your ex is reasonable or not is irrelevant. You need to communicate about the kids and that includes about school. They may or may not be communicating badly with you. Make an appointment. Be polite and ask how they decide which parent to contact. If necessary explain you and your ex are not communicating well but are working on it. In the meantime you don't want to miss anything. You need to take the drama out of this. I think you might be approaching school in the same way you approach your relationship with your ex.

I have discussed and agreed with the school on what days which of us have responsibility, when I drop off the children I tell my children who is collecting them and breakfast/after school care provider so everyone knows who to contact. The school is quick to call me when one of the children vomits and needs to be collected. The school and I are very polite, business like and professional in our interactions by telephone and in person and then it all returns to 'no response' when request further details about a written complaint they put in the child's school bag.

OP posts: