school refuses to respond to me, only sends demands for donations

[DivorcedDad123]

I am a divorced dad of twins, 6 years old, I am the lessor party in the divorce so have been pushed out of the area in the divorce settlement. I am an engaged father and always have been, 50% custody, all the hospital visits, parks every weekend. My ex wife was physically abusive once the children were born and has broadcast far and wide what a bad husband I am, she was arrested for assault but hired a great and expensive barrister to get her off the charge. The school refuses to engage with me, will not return an email or telephone message. One of my children pulled down their pants in the school yard on one of my days, I was never called and the boy is 6 so I couldn't get a straight story from him. I emailed the school, responded to their letter but got nothing. I only receive their demands for donations to pay for whatever they require next. Any advice? because all I can think of is requesting an audit of their financial records to make my point. Its impossible to parent in a situation where you have no details of what has actually happened and your treated like a pariah by the other parents.

We both have equal custody rights and restrictions as defined by the solicitors, she can take them to Spain and I can take them camping according to the court documents. It was just an example of the interactions with my ex wife.

You are over reacting. What written complaint? I can only imagine that your reactions are the problem here. If no one wants to deal with you, why is that? The only parents avoided by schools are the ones who overreact, constantly complain and make mountains out of molehills. Maybe this is you??

From my original post which started this discussion

"One of my children pulled down their pants in the school yard on one of my days, I was never called and the boy is 6 so I couldn't get a straight story from him. I emailed the school, responded to their letter but got nothing"

Often a divorced parent has to request permission from the other parent about going abroad. For obvious reasons. Camping in this country, no. I’m wondering what else is going on here.

Putting a note in your child's bag isn't a 'written complaint'.

If they call you when your children need collecting early due to illness and speak to you at parents evenings, that's them doing what they can.

If you have concerns about your child's behaviour, book a meeting with the teacher (and you said earlier that they are helpful in person, so no problems there).

As for other parents blanking you, sounds like you drop off at breakfast club and pick up at after school club so that limits your interactions.

I think you are blaming your ex for a non-situation as part of the pointlessly over dramatic 'war' you are perpetuating.

You have it written in custody rights that you can take them camping?

It sounds like the solicitors have just formalised what you have agreed. If the agreement says you can take them camping, you can do so. And you should not have any problem getting a court order allowing you more freedom.

This doesn’t make any sense.

court order for 50/50.

she can’t not tell you what to do in yours just like you can’t in hers.

how has she stopped you from camping? How?

this just doesn’t make sense.

a war can’t happen if one party won’t engage.

email wise dear god - what aren’t they responding to?

my ex used to send the school missives about everything and they stopped replying

all parents get letters about money

you sound very very very bitter and angry
perhaps this is what the other parents pick up on ?

Oh and my ex claimed he had 50/50 custody despite a court document saying he has access on this time and this date but the court papers still. Said children reside with mother.

my ex told everyone he had equal custody - he lied had to send him and his solicitor and the schools etc all the court documents am saying ‘he doesn’t have custody / see below’ he even says he now despite a restraining order ….

you sound very similar ….

Maybe the written complaint from school was a note saying your kid pulled his pants down asking you to speak to him about why that isn't OK. Maybe you responded with an OTT email. You may be a totally reasonable person OP. But many people are completely OTT and you sound a little like this - 'written complaint', 'financial audit' 'at war' etc etc. Why do you need a straight story from your child? It sounds like you over react and make a massive fuss about everything. That is why you are avoided.

Was it something like this?

School
Dear Mr X
Another child reported that little X pulled down his trousers in the playground today. He says he didn't but could you speak to him about why he shouldn't do this? Thanks

You
Please could you supply me with further details about this serious incident. Little X says he did not do this. I would like a meeting with the head and to see an incident report. How many witnesses were there? Who was supervising the playground? This is a serious safeguarding issue and I would like to meet with you as soon as possible.

PITA like this I imagine.

I think you're probably being TOO formal with the school. You're certainly seeing a note popped into the school bag at the end of the day, as something much more formal than it was intended. No teacher would consider that a 'written complaint', just a notification, with an expectation that the parent they were dealing with on that day, would have a quiet word with the boy (when are taking about a six year old, anyway).

Schools simply do not have time to have conversations with both parents separately, about reasonably low level misbehaviour. It's up to the parents to communicate about such things.

It was almost certainly a written note because the child goes to after school club so they know they wouldn't catch you after school.

I would take a couple of hours off work once or twice to do the drop off or pick up and actually speak to the teacher face to face. It's so much easier to communicate that way.

* Update After This Post *
So I had to take a day off to service my car and I decided to visit the school and discuss the communication matter face to face with the head of the school. I was politely accepted and we stat down and I received 5 mins about how my ex wife had handled the issue (written note in the children's bag). It was like I didn't exist but I let him speak and politely notified him that I was a proactive, hands on parent and it had fallen to me to deal with the matter as the child was in my care that evening.

Over this past weekend I attended a fundraising event at the school and he was visibly rude and dismissive of me, I let it pass and was glad that my recent government council tax rebate had been donated to another organisation that demonstrated an ability to do good with the money in a frugal manner.

I would have liked to have outlined that my ex wife has on 2 occasions locked my 6 year old out of the house as punishment. I only became aware of this over the weekend, I had suspected there was a problem as the children (twins 6 year old) have been very unsettled for the last number of weeks, similar to a time pre split, divorce was very much in flow and my ex wife was provoking them and me at any opportunity. So my child X was made to sit on a bench in the front garden, open to the street, the front door was locked on the 2 occasions. His brother handed him a toy out of the window on one occasion he told me. They live in a good area but there have been numerous reports of cars stopping and attempts to entice children alone into the car.

My ex wife works with colleagues that have similar views it seems, her boss has been convicted of assault of her now ex husband, I suspect it was the first time he called the police and not the first time he was assaulted. Its a large financial institution and to their credit her boss was demoted one level but I know she is not contrite or ashamed about the matter.

Did you remind them school that they are under a legal duty to communicate with you?

Re your ex locking your child out of the house in the front garden, I would inform Social Services.

I decided to try the nice approach, if you look at the discussion trail opinion is divided as to whether I have a valid issue or not. I managed to get a letter out of the school to prove I have custody of my children for an EHIC card. If the school continues to ignore me as the father and not communicate with me for reasons of parenting my child then the less nice approaches are available.

If any one has been hit by their partner or had to protect their children from their partner and would like advice about negotiating the system because from my experience its stacked against husbands. Please DM me, I would be happy to advise how best to protect themselves and their children. I have had more than one barristers tell me that if I had carried out the actions that my ex wife had done I would have been arrested, convicted, likely given a custodial sentence and removed from the house. The system in effect says, women can hit men but men cannot hit women. If your being assaulted just leave, my response, what about my children, response received, oh if you leave without the children then you automatically lose custody rights.

Every post you make has an added on bit where you rant about your ex. If you have concerns about her go to social services. I would like to bet that you are using the school to point score and to replace the fact that your ex won't engage with you. Every potential issue is poured over. Your comments about the head not acknowledging you at the fundraiser also speak volumes. You seem to have an issue with people and needing to feel that people recognise your importance.

They probably gave you a wide berth at the school event because you are unhinged.

I'm still completely unclear as to what the issue was, why it needed handling beyond the note home. How did your wife deal with it if you had the note from the school?

did the head have an unscheduled meeting with you? If he didn't want to engage with you he'd have just said no, I don't have time today. Why would you meet with the head and not the teacher over the pants dropping incident?

You are muddying the waters with the school.

Your issue with the school is that you want them to communicate with you as the parent of the of their pupils.

That's it.

Domestic violence, being ignored at events, children locked out. All of that is getting in the way of you achieving your goal.,

What you want is to get the same information your ex does from the school. If she gets a copy of their report, you want a copy.

How are day to day messages communicated to parents? For example some schools use class dojo.

This.

@cansu I would have preferred that the he had not acknowledged me but not be visibly rude in the process, he did it in front of the whole place. Frankly I do not care, its merely a detail in my assessment to whether the school will communicate with me to enable me to parent.

I have no problem with my importance, I am not a doctor and I do not save lives. I would be annoyed if I didn't make Noah's ark but would be more likely to spend my energy building my own rather than argue with Noah or discuss it.

Re: Engaging with my Ex
I get a verbal or written threat most weeks of;

• I am taking you to family court


• I am calling social services to have your house inspected


• If you go to X (country) I will have you attacked

Plenty of engagement from the Ex, more than I would like or need.

Contact the school and request both a meeting with the head and to be included on all school correspondence.

The instance with your son is deplorable and a huge safe guarding concern. Do they contact you if they are unwell and can't get hold of Mum?

If you do not hear back, contact the head in writing with a formal complaint.

He legally has to respond. Beyond that I would escalate this to Ofsted. Schools cannot choose sides. If you have PR and no court order against you you are entitled to access with the children's education.

Make a Data Protection Act request for a copy of the school's file. Make a note of the last, say, five times they failed to communicate with you, and make a formal complaint, pointing out that this is an ongoing issue. :Put the complaint in a constructive way, saying you want to sort out a system whereby they automatically keep you informed and make sure all communications about the children and about school events are copied to you. If the complaint isn't dealt with satisfactorily, escalate it, using the school's complaints policy.